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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Ex appears to have ghosted me, I'm devastated

413 replies

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 15:55

It was me who left. It was for various things, the first one being stalling on commitment.
The second was that he was quite critical of me, like I'd get a new haircut and he'd burst out laughing and say it looked like (insert X cartoon character)
Or he didn't like me using shop bought sauces so one time he deliberately hid the one I'd bought so I'd have to make a new one.
I felt like the cooking thing was a huge deal for him.
Our tenancy was ending soon and he seemed hesitant about us finding a new place to live.
Or on several occasions, he'd go out all night and not even tell me he'd gone out, I'd just come back to an empty flat.
He heavily berated me when he found out I had 1.5k of credit card debt, even though I was managing to pay it. He also told his parents something about my credit which I really didn't like.
I'm trying to justify why I left, but the main one was that I didn't feel I was his 'one" and that he was quite critical of me even though I did so much for him.
He really wanted me to be an avid reader. I do read, but I'm much more into non-fiction, I'm not massively into literature. I'm 'book-smart' I guess you could say, but I am just not someone who constantly reads novels sadly.

We stayed friends. We would still message all the time, he seemed upset at first but I wouldn't say he tried to win me back. I often felt I'd made a mistake, we had so many wonderful times together. We spent 5 hours together the other week.
I guess it was strange to still speak to your ex every day.. anyway, despite being the one to message me last, he's ghosted me. Just stopped reading and replying to my messages.
I am devastated.. I still regret the break up, we were together a long time. I'm 34 soon and I panicked.
But I didn't expect this. Everyone said I'd done the right thing leaving, but I still hoped we could work it out.

OP posts:
Brandonsflowers · 04/07/2024 16:43

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 15:59

We had a lovely time the other day, I bought us dinner and we had a great chat.
He actually apologised during this and I told him he didn't need to.
Then we left, he was messaging me that night and we had normal chat.
Then suddenly ghosted. I don't understand why.

I'd bet my house on him shagging someone else now.

HowIrresponsible · 04/07/2024 16:44

Brandonsflowers · 04/07/2024 16:43

I'd bet my house on him shagging someone else now.

Your point being? OP dumped him

Nanaof1 · 04/07/2024 16:44

AutumnFroglets · 04/07/2024 16:12

That goodness you managed to leave this abusive twat. I remember your other thread and I'm so pleased it helped you to get out.

Now you need to be happy that he's ghosted you so you can finally move on and heal. Block him so he can't come back until you've done some therapy work on yourself. He wasn't a good man, remember that.

Do you happen to have a link to this other thread? If you can find it, please share.

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 16:45

Yes, he is entitled to. Like I say, I did try to work things out for us a few times. He could've done, but didn't want to.

OP posts:
DollyBelle · 04/07/2024 16:47

Sorry you are hurting OP but sometimes the person who leaves feels worse than the person who left.
You have said you are not his one. That should be enough now. Whether you are or not, his treatment of you has been appalling. How you can think he’s your one under the circumstances….
You did the right thing in leaving. Often when we do this, we panic. We wipe out the bad things and try and hang on to something and someone which isn’t genuine.
It will get better in time and you will get better. But while you keep hanging on to some sort of contact with this man, you will further erode your self esteem.
You deserve better. Even if he was the loveliest man on earth, he doesn’t want to spend his life with you.
Take some time yourself.
And then find someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated.

pikkumyy77 · 04/07/2024 16:47

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 16:31

Yes, ok, I left. I'm awful, I get it.
I left because as I've said, he didn't want to commit to me as his lifelong partner. I wasn't his one. So he rejected me too. I'm not trying to justify it, but he told me something was missing.
Since then, I've tried to sort things out around 3 times.
I'm not 'playing with his feelings ' dangling him on a string or anything.

No one us saying that you are awful—its interesting that that’s your go to, though. What we are all saying is that you are somewhat confused about how relationships work.

Your relationship didn’t break down because of lack of effort on your part. Or because you failed to do something. Or even because you left him. If a man wants to be in a relationship with you he will ACT LIKE IT. He will try to please you, try to keep you interested, try to pursue you and bring you back if you try to leave.

You asked him for more commitment and he refused. You left and offered to come back and he refused.

He’s just not that into you. There is no more juice to be sucked out of this dried lemon of a relationship. No amount of talking about it or rehashing it will bring him back. Or, if he comes back and you are foolish enough to take him back, he will still treat you like shit.

You loved him but he didn’t love you.

Tillievanilly · 04/07/2024 16:48

Maybe he saw the 5 hours as an ending? He didn’t need to continue with the contact. Maybe he could have told you or he didn’t for his own sanity. I think it’s best not to have regular contact with an ex.

Caththegreat · 04/07/2024 16:48

There is no one ffs

Brandonsflowers · 04/07/2024 16:48

HowIrresponsible · 04/07/2024 16:44

Your point being? OP dumped him

She doesn't understand why he's ghosted her. He's probably found someone else and that's why he's ghosted her. That's my point.

DogInATent · 04/07/2024 16:49

Sounds like he's done the right thing. Because you can't move on he's done it for both of you.

StripedPiggy · 04/07/2024 16:50

Of course he has met someone else. That’s by far the most obvious explanation as to why he has moved on. And as a single man whose partner dumped him, he is perfectly entitled to do so.

tinytemper66 · 04/07/2024 16:51

Stop romanticising hook. He sounds like a complete prick. You are better off with out this type of arsehole in your life. You have had a lucky escape.

Brandonsflowers · 04/07/2024 16:51

StripedPiggy · 04/07/2024 16:50

Of course he has met someone else. That’s by far the most obvious explanation as to why he has moved on. And as a single man whose partner dumped him, he is perfectly entitled to do so.

Exactly.

UpThereForThinkingDownThereForDancing · 04/07/2024 16:51

Justme2023123 · 04/07/2024 16:36

@Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 has anyone here said you are awful?
I've skimmed some of the messages but the vast, vast majority have all said you did the right thing and need to move on now.
You don't seem to be hearing that.

Completely agree.
I think your internal dialogue has constructed a strong dialogue of star crossed lovers who came so close but things didn't align and you blew it and are at fault... Or something along those lines.

Your perceptions on what that relationship could have been / what you have lost and what you're hearing from some really balanced replies... It's like a fairground hall of mirrors in there.

It takes time to unravel things, gaps have to be filled with more wholesome life and self affirming things... Meanwhile if you are able to find and access support to explore why your thinking is so skewed on this, I think would be time well spent.

It would be nice to be free from this ache and self recrimination wouldn't it.

BeckiWithAnI · 04/07/2024 16:52

AmelieTaylor · 04/07/2024 16:36

@Canttakemuchmoreofthis1

it hurts, I get that!

But honestly read your ownposts. He didn't want you back. You aren't his 'one'...

sorry if this seems brutal, but stop wasting your time on a man who has made it crystal clear he doesn't want to be with you.

This! But the word you used @Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 was “rejected”. He’s been a dick to you because 1) it’s his nature, and 2) you aren’t the person for him.
You seem to be reading that as if it means you aren’t enough when really it’s just that you aren’t right for each other.
It is almost like his ghosting (“rejecting…”) you has made you more desperate for his love and proven to you that you somehow aren’t enough. But you ARE enough, so where does this thought pattern come from? I think counseling will help you understand where this fear of rejection is coming from. Your self-worth should not be so tied to whether or not one single person in a world of billions wants to be in a relationship with you. I think in time you will also see that THIS particular person was really not worth hitching your emotional wagon to….

Nanaof1 · 04/07/2024 16:52

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 16:21

That's not true, I loved him a lot and still do. I regret leaving, but he didn't want a future with me.

You really need to take a break from dating anyone and work on your self-esteem. He treated you horribly. Just because sometimes things were "good", his abuse of you was wrong in every single way.

You seem to act like you don't deserve better treatment or are so desperate for a relationship that you'll settle for an abusive one.

You deserve MUCH better than what he was giving you. Please seek some counselling so you can learn to value yourself. Until you value yourself enough and understand how you deserve to be treated kindly, with love and respect, you will not find the relationship and love you deserve.

I am sure you are hurt now but don't settle for someone who acts so ugly and disrespectful. Block him so he can never darken your heart again.

itsmylife7 · 04/07/2024 16:53

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 16:45

Yes, he is entitled to. Like I say, I did try to work things out for us a few times. He could've done, but didn't want to.

Come on OP he's spelt it out to you.

He doesn't want to spend his life with you maybe marry etc.

You can't fix this and should except he doesn't really love you.

As for his behaviour towards you...belittling you, that's not how a good relationship should be.

Do some work on yourself and improve your self worth.

tinytemper66 · 04/07/2024 16:53

tinytemper66 · 04/07/2024 16:51

Stop romanticising hook. He sounds like a complete prick. You are better off with out this type of arsehole in your life. You have had a lucky escape.

Him not hook...

DogInATent · 04/07/2024 16:53

Brandonsflowers · 04/07/2024 16:48

She doesn't understand why he's ghosted her. He's probably found someone else and that's why he's ghosted her. That's my point.

He probably hasn't. He's just realised that she's never going to do one thing or the other, just hang around like an emotional leech.

Londontown12 · 04/07/2024 16:54

U 2 were not suitable for each other !
I think u be happier with someone else tbh !

IReallyStillCantBeBothered · 04/07/2024 16:55

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 16:00

I understand why you say that. But I have tried to sort it out, I haven't given mixed signals.
I wanted commitment at 34, I didn't just leave for any old reason.

You keep saying you tried to or wanted to sort it out, what does that mean? That you tried to make up and get back together?

ChampagneLassie · 04/07/2024 16:55

He’s probably met someone else and is moving on. You’ve listed all the reasons you’ve broken up and they sound plenty. You’re grieving it’s natural but you can do much better than this

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 16:55

DogInATent · 04/07/2024 16:53

He probably hasn't. He's just realised that she's never going to do one thing or the other, just hang around like an emotional leech.

I'm sorry but what are you trying to say?

OP posts:
Getonwitit · 04/07/2024 16:56

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 15:58

He was lovely most of the time and we had great memories.
I just think ghosting like this is cruel. I know I left, but I have actually tried to sort it out since leaving.

He wasn't lovely. Expect better for yourself. Be glad he has gone and given you the chance to have a better life.

UpThereForThinkingDownThereForDancing · 04/07/2024 16:56

Fill the void with something op.

This is one of those times where it hurts like hell but you have to trust that your own desires aren't calibrated to the truth right now and are in fact self sabotaging... For now, place your trust in time and space from him and properly hear that this is not the disaster it feels like, there is life and sunshine on the other side.