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Ex appears to have ghosted me, I'm devastated

413 replies

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 15:55

It was me who left. It was for various things, the first one being stalling on commitment.
The second was that he was quite critical of me, like I'd get a new haircut and he'd burst out laughing and say it looked like (insert X cartoon character)
Or he didn't like me using shop bought sauces so one time he deliberately hid the one I'd bought so I'd have to make a new one.
I felt like the cooking thing was a huge deal for him.
Our tenancy was ending soon and he seemed hesitant about us finding a new place to live.
Or on several occasions, he'd go out all night and not even tell me he'd gone out, I'd just come back to an empty flat.
He heavily berated me when he found out I had 1.5k of credit card debt, even though I was managing to pay it. He also told his parents something about my credit which I really didn't like.
I'm trying to justify why I left, but the main one was that I didn't feel I was his 'one" and that he was quite critical of me even though I did so much for him.
He really wanted me to be an avid reader. I do read, but I'm much more into non-fiction, I'm not massively into literature. I'm 'book-smart' I guess you could say, but I am just not someone who constantly reads novels sadly.

We stayed friends. We would still message all the time, he seemed upset at first but I wouldn't say he tried to win me back. I often felt I'd made a mistake, we had so many wonderful times together. We spent 5 hours together the other week.
I guess it was strange to still speak to your ex every day.. anyway, despite being the one to message me last, he's ghosted me. Just stopped reading and replying to my messages.
I am devastated.. I still regret the break up, we were together a long time. I'm 34 soon and I panicked.
But I didn't expect this. Everyone said I'd done the right thing leaving, but I still hoped we could work it out.

OP posts:
NinaPersson · 04/07/2024 16:20

Don’t try anymore. He doesn’t want to be with you, if he did he would treat you respectfully. You deserve better than that

HowIrresponsible · 04/07/2024 16:20

You dumped him and it doesn't sound as if you liked each other that much.

He was mean to you and disliked him enough to end things.

He's moved on and I'd suggest you do the same.

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 16:20

He cooked too, but wanted it all from scratch. Everything.

OP posts:
Changemynameforumpteenthtime · 04/07/2024 16:21

MimitteAndElsaGoToSwitzerland · 04/07/2024 16:13

He also doesn't sound like he'd be a great friend.

This!

You wouldn’t have friends who laughed at your hair and made snide remarks about your cooking, would you?

im friendly with a couple of ex’s , but its an occasional catch up in the pub once or twice a year. Wishing them happy birthday on Facebook kind of friend. And they were nice guys where the relationship just ran its course- no bad treatment.

its not helpful to stay in such regular contact.

what has happened is that you haven’t exactly split up …you’ve been hoping to get back together and this has really been the death throes of the relationship.

you’ve only just broken up now. That’s why it hurts so much now.

you’ll feel better soon

and this is the best thing to happen to you.

seensome · 04/07/2024 16:21

Was he hoping for a shag the other night, but just got dinner instead, hence ghosting? (He would still of ghosted whatever the outcome)

He sounds nasty with all his negging, fast forward a few years and you'll be glad he's gone.

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 16:21

HowIrresponsible · 04/07/2024 16:20

You dumped him and it doesn't sound as if you liked each other that much.

He was mean to you and disliked him enough to end things.

He's moved on and I'd suggest you do the same.

That's not true, I loved him a lot and still do. I regret leaving, but he didn't want a future with me.

OP posts:
LoreleiG · 04/07/2024 16:23

This is giving me Rob from The Archers vibes.

UpThereForThinkingDownThereForDancing · 04/07/2024 16:23

It is a bit messed up that you regret leaving someone who was so unpleasant to you.

I think the no contact is a good opportunity to try to undo some of the conditioning that it's ruling your thinking right now.

LakeTiticaca · 04/07/2024 16:23

You should be celebrating getting rid of such a wanker

Conniebygaslight · 04/07/2024 16:23

Don’t worry OP he’ll be back…..giving you a few crumbs to lure you in then he can treat you even worse. He sensed you pulling away and now wants control. This will happen. All part of his game and you’re falling for it.

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 16:24

I'm not sure why just ghost now? I don't think he's met anyone, but I could be wrong. He was messaging me a lot on Monday and suddenly, poof.
Why after all this time?

OP posts:
KreedKafer · 04/07/2024 16:25

First of all, of course you were absolutely right to leave him. He sounds like a complete arsehole.

However, I don't think you can automatically expect someone to keep replying to your messages once the relationship's over. You ended the relationship and he's entitled not to have any contact with you. I appreciate that ghosting you is a hurtful way of stopping contact, and he clearly should have told you that he'd rather not stay in touch - but it's not unreasonable of him to want to leave the relationship behind now that you're no longer together. To be honest, it doesn't sound like staying in touch was at all healthy for you anyway, so it's probably a blessing in disguise. I'd block him and make it a clean break.

BeckiWithAnI · 04/07/2024 16:25

Despite breaking up with him, you clearly still have feelings for him. This is why (sucky as it is) him going no contact with you is the right thing to do and what you should have done from the start.
Look at it this way, imagine someone dumped you and then still tried to keep you in their life. Headf**k much? Everyone has a right to move on and for his own pride he’s probably had enough of this dance you two have been playing. I’m assuming you have no kids, so there is no reason to stay friends. If you did stay friends how would future new partner’s feel about this? Accepting an ex in someone’s life is part and parcel when they have kids together, but with no kids or other deep lifelong connections it doesn’t exactly scream “emotionally available/committed.”
It’s time to move on. If you were meant to be it would have worked. You need to let him go now.

Whyoohwhyohwhyyyy · 04/07/2024 16:26

He sounds like an absolute prick. Imagine spending a lifetime with someone who laughs at your hair and hides jars of sauce?
Be thankful you've escaped the control and abuse, get excited about your new life and freedom!
I think you should take back control and block him, he's bound to come crawling back

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 16:26

KreedKafer · 04/07/2024 16:25

First of all, of course you were absolutely right to leave him. He sounds like a complete arsehole.

However, I don't think you can automatically expect someone to keep replying to your messages once the relationship's over. You ended the relationship and he's entitled not to have any contact with you. I appreciate that ghosting you is a hurtful way of stopping contact, and he clearly should have told you that he'd rather not stay in touch - but it's not unreasonable of him to want to leave the relationship behind now that you're no longer together. To be honest, it doesn't sound like staying in touch was at all healthy for you anyway, so it's probably a blessing in disguise. I'd block him and make it a clean break.

Yeah I understand why you say that, it's been 8 months, and it just happened in a very sudden way. And I've tried to sort things out with him a few times.

OP posts:
Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 16:27

I wanted to work things out, and he didn't. We could've sorted it out, but he didn't want to.

OP posts:
Mirabai · 04/07/2024 16:27

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 16:20

He cooked too, but wanted it all from scratch. Everything.

That’s fine, if he cooks everything from scratch himself.

loropianalover · 04/07/2024 16:28

He makes you miserable OP and he sounds insufferable. Put your energy into meeting new people, you’ve got loads of free time now to do what you want and eat a frozen pizza if you want to!

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 16:28

Please, stop acting like I just left him for no reason.
He pretty much made it clear I wasn't his lifelong partner.

OP posts:
Mostlycarbon · 04/07/2024 16:28

Time to draw a line under this. He sounds like a terrible partner who wasn't making you happy. I think perhaps you were hoping he would see the light, come back to you and change but these kind of men don't change. You need to properly rip the plaster off, block him and properly move on. You'll feel so much better.

KreedKafer · 04/07/2024 16:29

DaisyChain505 · 04/07/2024 16:17

What you need to work on is your self respect, self esteem and self worth because no person who had any of the above would miss this piece of shit.

This, 1000 times over.

This man is a manipulative bully who has fucked with your head. Get him out of your life entirely and stop pining for him. He's a cunt. It's beyond unhealthy to stay friends with someone who treated you like this - you must surely be able to see that he's been manipulating you all along? He's deliberately done everything he can from day one to make you feel insecure and unsure of yourself - it's the oldest trick in the book for abusive/controlling men to behave like that. Please try to see it for what it really is and block him rather than letting him mess with your emotions.

HowIrresponsible · 04/07/2024 16:29

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 16:21

That's not true, I loved him a lot and still do. I regret leaving, but he didn't want a future with me.

So you still saw enough problems to leave.

Did you call his bluff hoping he'd commit?

Pigeonqueen · 04/07/2024 16:30

I find it strange when people stay friends with exes. I mean each to their own but usually if I’ve broken up with someone it’s because I’ve reached the point of not being able to stand them breathing (!) there’s no way I’d want to keep contact. And if they dumped me I’d find it too painful. So I block them all everywhere. I suggest you do the same. Much better in the long term.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 04/07/2024 16:30

There is absolutely no point in regretting the break up, you didn't ruin the relationship by leaving, you are not the one for him, nothing changed that.

If he wanted you back he would have got back with you, simple. He doesn't want to be with you, not because you broke up with him but because it was never right.

Also, he's a dick and you will be much happier with someone who actually loves you.

ThisKookyBlueSnake · 04/07/2024 16:31

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 16:21

That's not true, I loved him a lot and still do. I regret leaving, but he didn't want a future with me.

You regret leaving someone who was verbally abusive to you?

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