Can't cope with neighbour noise

[Stripeysuitcase]

Hi everyone, please be kind as I am really struggling. This is absolutely not a child or neighbour bashing thread. Noone is particularly in the wrong, I just need some practical advice to get through.

I live in a terraced house and I just cannot cope with the noise from my neighbour. They have a toddler and baby - the toddler in particular is very loud and screams often, and the parents are very loud. The thing I really struggle with is that the whole day is a running commentary from the mum to the children and she has a loud voice. Their door is often open and they are usually in the garden. So the noise is quite loud and it's constant. As its not antisocial, e.g. loud music at 1am, I don't feel I can say anything. But it is massively affecting my mental health and I can't cope anymore.

I find all of this noise so upsetting as there is nowhere in my house that I can go to avoid it. For example now I am just sat in bed unable to get up and have had constant noise since 7. It seems to paralyse me. I have stopped using my garden because there is no peace. I am neurodiverse and desperately need some quiet time to recharge, and I get to the point where I just have to go and cry somewhere to let it out. I have tried being out of the house most of the day or going out in the evening but this causes me more stress with more people and noises and I am just exhausted, because it's even less peaceful. I can't escape and despite it being my house I don't have control over 'my' space - I feel like my private life has been taken away. I appreciate that not everyone is affected this way by noisy neighbours and lots of people 'get on with it' but this isn't the case for me and trust me I would love more than anything to not care. I am desperately looking to move but it's so difficult. It is also impacting my partner as by the time he comes home I'm frazzled and for example can't deal with him putting even quiet music on if he wants to.

I ABSOLUTELY understand that children are noisy, and that people are entitled to live as they wish in their home. They are not necessarily doing anything wrong, and they are not bad people. But I don't think they are aware of just how much noise they make and how much it is impacting me. It is CONSTANT. I feel completely stuck as I don't want to upset them, or make things difficult for them, but I would like to find a way to ask them to be a little more mindful of the noise and try to reduce it some times. For example, I'd really like to be able to relax in the garden just a couple of hours a week, and perhaps they could close their back door? Or if the kids are screaming for a long time, perhaps they could take them inside? Or ideally use softer voices outside? I don't know what to reasonably ask for or how to do it.

It feels to me like they are living their life with no understanding of being in a terraced house, whereas I really try to keep my noise down and be considerate. I am a people pleaser and hate upsetting people. She has complained about one-off noise from me (we're not taking about parties or anything terrible here!) and immediately picks up on anything I do, and so I do feel like there are different rules for us and I live in a bit of fear of impacting them or upsetting then. E.g. I wouldn't dream of playing music with the door open, but they often do.

Again I am not interested in either slagging them off or slagging me off. We are just two people living our lives, but I just really need some practical advice as to how to address this carefully and kindly for both of us. I have tried everything from leaving the house to playing music to wearing noise cancelling earbuds constantly. All of this just exhausts me more. At the same time they cannot help having children, and I cannot help being neurodiverse. I have really really tried to not let it affect me, i haven't done anything to impact them or ask them to change anything at this point, and I don't want to upset them. Perhaps if they knew the impact on me they would try a little to keep it down. I'm hoping they are just unaware of how much their voices travel.

Sorry that was long, it's hard to get it across in the right way. Has anyone got any advice?

You are not being unreasonable, but I don't think they are either. I think you can speak to them but it's hard to control child noise all the time. Bear in mind that the noise should lessen as the kids grow, and likely will spend more time at nursery/childcare, then school. It's probably worse in summer to, with them being outside. Do you work from home as sounds like you're there a lot? If so, can you go to a workplace instead, so you're away from it, or work at the library or cafe? These headphones saved my sanity with noisy neighbours: Wireless Noise Cancelling Headphones | WH-1000XM3 | Sony United Kingdom

I'd never live in a terraced house again. I really sympathise with you OP, it's awful.

I moved to semi detached but only one room is connected to the other house and I hear nothing.

Thanks both. @Peonies12 I have those exact ones, both in ear and full, and yes they help cancel out some noise but after a while they're uncomfortable and I do just want peace. Unfortunately they only really work if you have music on too, otherwise you can still hear a bit and then I'm 'waiting' for the next noise if that makes sense?!

I know both of us are not unreasonable but I'm just so miserable and feel trapped in my own house. It's awful. I hate that it impacts me so much. I grew up in a detached house and whilst I've lived in terraces when I was younger for short periods it's not the same.

I do need a way of talking to them without it coming across as critical, I am absolutely terrified to do so though.

Does background radio/tv/podcast help?

I understand you'd prefer quiet but you're not going to get that. Perhaps 'choosing' the noise would help.

Also, it may help them realise how thin the walls are.

I would look at moving house as this is the nature of terraced or attached living spaces.

Honestly with two young children in a terraced house. Your neighbour won't be able to promise you to keep the noise down at certain times. Small kids don't work like that. I get it's rubbish but I really think you need to move or else wait for 3 years until they are in school for a couple of hours a day.

Hmm. Chatting to them and discussing which rooms they are in in the morning etc might allow some accommodations to be made. We Had this and agreee to take the toddlers downstairs when they woke (at 6:30) to allow for peace upstairs. You could try soundproofing the adjoining walls, but it would be an expensive and messy job.

Ultimately I think you need to move. They are allowed to make this noise, and you cannot cope with it. The problem is yours not theirs unfortunately.

What one off noise did she complain about?

We had an issue with our neighbours and their children making an inordinate amount of noise in their garden. Not screaming but shouting and very loud playing. It was seriously affecting my well being.

We talked to them and asked them to please try to reduce the volume a little. We were absolutely clear that we didn’t want them to not use their own garden freely but simply to keep the volume down.

They took it onboard and we are now on very friendly terms. The change was incredible. They simply hadn’t realised how much noise they were generating.

If she can complain so can you

I sympathise, being a naturally quiet person (and also ND with some sensory issues) it can be hard to live alongside people who are naturally loud. I don't think it's something you can ask them to change though. And living in a detached property would be the dream but not affordable for most of us!

I use wireless earbuds with noise cancelling a lot of the time, and if I'm really struggling, a white noise machine. Have you tried anything similar? I've actually started using the noise cancelling in day to day life (eg commuting, supermarket) and it's really helped me relax, even though I wouldn't have said that they were problems for me before.

This is the nature of terraced housing unfortunately - they're not doing anything wrong by making normal day to day noise in their own property.

I'm neurodiverse too (autistic) and also struggle with noise but ultimately that's my issue to deal with, I can't expect total strangers to change how they live to accommodate me.

I assume you've tried earplugs or noise cancelling headphones?

I do need a way of talking to them

Why, though? You acknowledge they're not doing anything wrong so what do you hope to achieve by having a conversation?

They can't stop their baby and toddler from making noise altogether and they certainly can't do much to control when it happens - that's just the nature of small children.

I don't even have kids but honestly, what exactly do you want them to do?

Thanks everyone. I'm not going to get drawn into specifics or discussing whether it's necessarily unreasonable or not, but to add - I do believe that they make more noise than is necessary and I don't think they are aware. I do not think they consider how the noise travels in a terraced house or make any amendments to consider the impacts on others, so I do feel like I want to ask them to consider this more.

What I'm looking for from this thread is not really to discuss the above but for some help in how to approach this in a way that is kind and considerate but also allows me to get across how much it is impacting me.

As @MatildaTheCat says, there is a good chance they don't realise how much noise they are making. My neighbours walking around above my bedroom when they came in from work late (hospitality) and I was already in bed was a nightmare, until I found the courage to mention it; they decided to take their shoes off as soon as they got in and the problem was solved...they just hadn't realised. I related this story to a friend whose toddler was scampering about at 5am, and she hadn't realised that her downstairs neighbours were being driven crazy by it - on the basis that he was only small and barefoot. So she took him into the lounge rather than stay in the bedroom - and harmony was restored!

It is always nerve-wracking having these conversations, as you don't want to risk making things worse...but as it sounds like you are at the end of your tether @Stripeysuitcase (and I do get it, I am very affected by noise), so it's got to be worth a try...and if you phrase it as you have done in your post ie you know it's all normal noise but...then hopefully they will respond nicely. If it's easier, could you write to them like you have done here, would that be easier than trying to say it to them face-to-face and things accidentally going awry?

Can you afford to do any sound proofing? Triple glazed windows, or wall insulation can help. Even if you can just do one room to have a sanctuary. It sounds very unlikely that the external noise will reduce, so looking to place a barrier between you and it seems.like your best bet.

I assume moving is out of the question, as if you could have afforded more separate space, you probably would be in a terrace to begin with.

Also to add, I am obviously not expecting their baby or toddler not to make noise, or for them not to make noise. I'm not expecting to live in a terraced house and have complete quiet. But the level of noise that they have control over and where and when this happens could be more considerate. It is absolutely constant and above what I've experienced and I think it is reasonable to at least discuss whether some small changes could be made so that I can also enjoy/tolerate my home. We both have a right to live our lives and I think we both have a responsibility to consider our neighbours in a terraced situation.

Again I really don't want to get drawn into the exact specifics or wording of my post of whether I've completely chosen then right words or phrasing, when I say noone is unreasonable I am trying my utmost to be understanding and kind to both them and myself.

@MatildaTheCat this is the dream outcome! I just want everyone to be ok, as a people pleaser usually I doesn't usually extend this to myself but it's reached crisis point now!

I have neighbours like you to, if they hear me they start getting extra loud, naging doors, shouting etc. It's deliberately.

Funny cos sometimes wheb they don't realise I'm at home how quiet they are even in the garden it's like they suddenly found their normal voices! I can't even hear them in my house whereas I would hear every word of every conversation.

100% they can lower the noise to be more reasonable.question is will they or are they the type you can't go over and have a friendly chat with as it will make it worse.

Op I say this kindly, but making 'more noise than they need to' isn't a good enough reason to tell them to be quiet.

She's allowed to make noise as a family. She's allowed to be an extrovert. She's allowed to have noisy children. She's allowed to have the van back door open.

This is something that you need to find a way to manage, and there are options for doing so.

@Bridgertonned I would also be within my rights to make more noise but I am a considerate neighbour. I am assuming they are also considerate neighbours and would be open to at least me bringing this up. Again this isn't about what's right and wrong, this is severely impacting my ability to live in my house and I have decided that I need to say something. There is no blame, no criticism, no unkind words. The point of this post is to get a bit of help with trying to do that in the best way.

What time does the noise start and finish? Is it above and beyond normal noise. I live in a terrace and have brought my kids up in one. My neighbours have young children and yes we occasionally hear one another but it's not all day, every day which is what is making me ask.

I often go weeks without hearing any noise from next door and I've lived in a couple of terraces which have pretty much been the same as this one

Does anyone else live with you or a friend who can visit to judge if it is beyond normal realms or just normal every day noise to be expected just to see whether it's you who needs to make adjustments?

I understand the feeling OP, but what do you expect to say to them? It's not that they're playing music, or bouncing balls against a shared wall. You've described a baby crying, a toddler shouting, and a parent talking to their child.

My SIL and her kids are loud, so loud that I sometimes flinch. I'm naturally very quiet. But it's just how they are. Telling her to be quiet would be as difficult for her as someone telling me that I needed to raise my voice, or be more outgoing.

I really feel for you OP. I too am neuro diverse and struggle with day to day noise and the mental disruption of having neighbours. Our house is detached and yet I am still affected by others around me so it's not necessarily a solution to things as the houses may be detached but are still very close in proximity to the houses next door. We are in the process of selling our house and moving somewhere rural and more secluded, hopefully without another neighbour in sight. I've come to the conclusion that it's the only way that I can live and not be affected negatively by other people, even if they're not doing anything wrong so to speak. I understand that you may not be in a position to do the same and I don't really have any advice as like you I am the type of person who doesn't like to upset others so I'd probably be too scared to say anything to the neighbours in question, but just wanted you to know that you are not alone in how you are feeling. What I would give to be the type of person who just gets on with things and isn't bothered but I can't control how I am. I hope things improve for you soon. If I were you I would move but I appreciate it isn't always that easy and you my find similar problems elsewhere.