Can't cope with neighbour noise

[Stripeysuitcase]

Hi everyone, please be kind as I am really struggling. This is absolutely not a child or neighbour bashing thread. Noone is particularly in the wrong, I just need some practical advice to get through.

I live in a terraced house and I just cannot cope with the noise from my neighbour. They have a toddler and baby - the toddler in particular is very loud and screams often, and the parents are very loud. The thing I really struggle with is that the whole day is a running commentary from the mum to the children and she has a loud voice. Their door is often open and they are usually in the garden. So the noise is quite loud and it's constant. As its not antisocial, e.g. loud music at 1am, I don't feel I can say anything. But it is massively affecting my mental health and I can't cope anymore.

I find all of this noise so upsetting as there is nowhere in my house that I can go to avoid it. For example now I am just sat in bed unable to get up and have had constant noise since 7. It seems to paralyse me. I have stopped using my garden because there is no peace. I am neurodiverse and desperately need some quiet time to recharge, and I get to the point where I just have to go and cry somewhere to let it out. I have tried being out of the house most of the day or going out in the evening but this causes me more stress with more people and noises and I am just exhausted, because it's even less peaceful. I can't escape and despite it being my house I don't have control over 'my' space - I feel like my private life has been taken away. I appreciate that not everyone is affected this way by noisy neighbours and lots of people 'get on with it' but this isn't the case for me and trust me I would love more than anything to not care. I am desperately looking to move but it's so difficult. It is also impacting my partner as by the time he comes home I'm frazzled and for example can't deal with him putting even quiet music on if he wants to.

I ABSOLUTELY understand that children are noisy, and that people are entitled to live as they wish in their home. They are not necessarily doing anything wrong, and they are not bad people. But I don't think they are aware of just how much noise they make and how much it is impacting me. It is CONSTANT. I feel completely stuck as I don't want to upset them, or make things difficult for them, but I would like to find a way to ask them to be a little more mindful of the noise and try to reduce it some times. For example, I'd really like to be able to relax in the garden just a couple of hours a week, and perhaps they could close their back door? Or if the kids are screaming for a long time, perhaps they could take them inside? Or ideally use softer voices outside? I don't know what to reasonably ask for or how to do it.

It feels to me like they are living their life with no understanding of being in a terraced house, whereas I really try to keep my noise down and be considerate. I am a people pleaser and hate upsetting people. She has complained about one-off noise from me (we're not taking about parties or anything terrible here!) and immediately picks up on anything I do, and so I do feel like there are different rules for us and I live in a bit of fear of impacting them or upsetting then. E.g. I wouldn't dream of playing music with the door open, but they often do.

Again I am not interested in either slagging them off or slagging me off. We are just two people living our lives, but I just really need some practical advice as to how to address this carefully and kindly for both of us. I have tried everything from leaving the house to playing music to wearing noise cancelling earbuds constantly. All of this just exhausts me more. At the same time they cannot help having children, and I cannot help being neurodiverse. I have really really tried to not let it affect me, i haven't done anything to impact them or ask them to change anything at this point, and I don't want to upset them. Perhaps if they knew the impact on me they would try a little to keep it down. I'm hoping they are just unaware of how much their voices travel.

Sorry that was long, it's hard to get it across in the right way. Has anyone got any advice?

Sending sympathy! Totally get where you're coming from as I'm ND too and sensitive to noise. I carry Loop earbuds with me and find that normal headphones fit over them quite comfortably (and provide extra quiet). But I get that using them on a long-term basis is untenable.

But, bluntly, if it's affecting you this badly, you only really have three choices.

a) Change something
b) Don't change and continue the status quo
c) Move

If it's a) may I suggest the semi-comedy option of having stronger-minded friends/advocates over to socialise (if you really can't bring yourself to be there, maybe you can go to a local cafe). Making normal noise in your household may show the neighbour what it sounds like. But do ask a strong friend/family member to advocate for you. It could make a world of difference.

If b) you'll need to change your mindset and accept the noise as your new normal. Otherwise you are going to put your own life on pause while you wait for the next noise and get offended about it. It's one thing to say "people SHOULD" do something but if they don't, and you won't communicate/press the issue, nothing new is going to happen.

Remember you can also communicate through writing. A gentle letter through their door, for example. A good trick for any future conversations/letters - know what you're asking for, specifically.

Not playing music with the door open? Reasonable!
Never letting the kid cry? Unreasonable.

Wishing you all the best luck and hope you find many oases of quiet.

A house in this area that is semi detached or detached is about £400k unfortunately.

Well then you move a bit further away where your money will buy you what you want, you take a chance a buy a similar property locally and pray for quieter neighbours, or you find better ear defenders.

Not a lot else can be done.

Yeah we have a lady next door to us with a 3 y.o. and we hardly hear her - or her toddler. And she has her sister and 5 y.o. niece around twice a week too, and the kids play and have fun, in the little paddling pool, and the little trampoline she has for them, and they just make normal 'kiddie having fun' sounds' We rarely hear them in the house either. SOMEtimes but not often. We live in old 1930s semis, so the soundproofing is really good.

She is a lovely considerate neighbour and we're so lucky to have her.

A lady I know who lives just up the road (on our side - 5 doors away,) is joined onto the noisiest family in the world. They have had to get white noise machines and sound bars, just to be able to hear the TV when this family is in the house. You can hear this woman screaming blue murder at her (three) children from halfway up the road.

Poor woman I know is at the end of her tether, and after 23 years living there and raising both her children there (one still at home) she is selling up. Younger DC is moving in with her partner in the new year, and this lady is hoping to move into a little 2 bed bungalow (detached!) You can hear this woman and her 3 kids in the garden when the weather is nice too, from a fifth of a mile away! (When she screams blue murder at them in the garden, which she does often!)

Dreadful woman, and a dreadful mother. Her 3 kids wander around the area on their own with no parental supervision (they're 4, 7, and 9, boy, girl, boy,) because she CBA to engage with them. Makes me wonder why she had them tbh. They constantly wander onto peoples driveways, and into their gardens, and make a nuisance of themselves.

They also take no notice of their 'mother' and her screaming. It's like white noise to them now. They're just annoying now. Another 7-8 years and I reckon they will turn into vandals, and be terrorising the neighbourhood, because they have had NO discipline. (Never seen a single man/any of the childrens fathers at the house,) and the mother has certainly never given any.

As the pp said, some people are just inconsiderate gobshites, and sadly, their children often turn out the same!

(The noisy family near the lady up the road moved in a year ago btw.)

They’re young kids OP, they get upset, and sometimes that will be in the garden. Saying goodbye at the door is also very normal. As others have said you need to find a way to cope or move, this is a you issue, not a them issue.

I disagree that's it's a me issue. I absolutely agree that I am probably less able to cope than some people would, but it's not a normal amount of noise like precious posters have also suggested. I know several other families and it's not like this.

Hopefully the advice from this thread can help me approach the issue in the right way. It's at least worth a shot before moving.

But there is no “normal” noise with babies and toddlers, they are all different. Nothing you have described is unreasonable noise, nothing you have described would be taken as a genuine noise complaint by the council, it’s a young family making the noise lots of young families make, in their own home/garden. Feel free to approach them if you want to but be prepared for them to tell you exactly what people have here- kids make noise, it is what it is.

I understand OP I’m in a similar situation.

I live in a rural quiet area with only a couple of houses as neighbours but they are very close together.
When I applied to rent through the agency I was told they only rented to quiet working professional people and there was a clause about noise and respecting the neighbours, I had 10 years of harmony and the property is also very well sound proofed.

During Covid they rented a two bedroom property to a couple who said they only had his kids every other weekend for two nights but it was a lie. They actually have the 3 kids 50/50 and all 3 are in the bedroom right next to mine.

I’m also neurodivergent and feel exactly like you, it’s making me seriously depressed and although I understand families make noise I think the noise my neighbours make is excessive. The kids run round shouting and arguing, one of the kids is a girl of about 7/8 who lets out high pitched screams, doors bang, the parents argue constantly with each other or shout at the kids and the dad screams at the top of his lungs when football is on and bangs his hands or feet against the wall. They also constantly sit outside and their door is next to mine, Every time I have anyone to visit they comment on how bad it is and when I went on holiday I had a cat sitter come and she was upset hearing the shouting and arguing between the couple and said she couldn’t live with it.

They also get aggressive if I make any noise and I spend the majority of time with my AirPods in listening to audiobooks and creeping about scared to make a sound. It’s a bit different for me because the man is very nasty and has been threatening so I’m actually scared of him and I feel can’t say anything without making it worse.

I don’t want to move because there is nothing really available in my area. My friend has been looking for somewhere for months and says dozens of people apply for any property that comes up. Everywhere is expensive and I’m lucky that my rent is cheap, it’s a beautiful area, the rest of the neighbours are nice and it’s a long term rental and owned by an agency not a private landlord. Any issues are dealt with straight away and before they moved in it was perfect. I was expecting them to move soon as the kids are getting older and I can’t see how it’s practical for them and they were talking about buying somewhere. I’m losing hope as the years go by though…

Can you write a letter? You could explain that you understand that families with kids make noise and you are aware that it’s not classed as unreasonable but describe the impact it’s having? Keep it as nice as possible and try to word it so it works both ways. Explain that you do everything to keep your own noise down and the main problem is vicinity and noise proofing.
You might find that if your neighbour knows it’s having such a big impact on your mental health that she will try to be quieter if you use a nice approach and make it clear that you know that a lot of the problem is your noise sensitivity. If she doesn’t feel criticised and sees it more as a kindness then she might make more effort to keep it down.
I sent a facebook message to the woman above me and things were better for a few weeks till her partner found out and then he made sure it was worse, I’m not dealing with a reasonable person though!

If this doesn’t work then I know you are against the idea but I’d start to make normal noise back. If they hear how much sound carries and it annoys them back then they might compromise with you. I don’t mean anything excessive but I’d be having friends round, having music on, play your guitar etc… If the kids go to bed early I’d be doing it then so she realises the effort you make and will possibly return the favour.

The other thing is to use the silicone earplugs a pp suggested. I find they are pretty effective, I tried the loop ones but the neighbours noise is too loud to drown out. I also don’t hear as much wearing my AirPod pros but I have to listen to something at the same time and it’s not the same when you just want silence. My neighbours seem to never go out so I’ve also started going and sitting somewhere quiet like in the countryside or a park or even my car if it’s raining!

You could try speaking to the council? I had the police come round to take a witness statement recently who were surprised at how loud it was. They were very sympathetic and said even what’s classed as normal household noise can be dealt with if it’s classed as excessive. They recommend I see if the council can do anything as it was impacting the enjoyment of my property and causing my mental health to suffer. I suspect that was more to do with the arguing screaming and banging the adults were making though, they said it’s definitely not a police matter or they would have happily helped!

Could you speak to your landlord? I tried going down that route but I was told they couldn’t do anything as they had no proof and the neighbours were denying they were noisy.

I hope you find a solution, I know the obvious solution is to move but that’s not as easy as people think and it feels unfair to be pushed out of somewhere when the problem could be solved with a bit of consideration from the neighbours.
If you feel talking to them would help then give it a try and try to keep things as friendly as possible so they don’t see you as making demands and have more sympathy and understanding of your situation.

I do sympathise OP. I have very loud neighbours. They don't seem to be able to do anything within the normal realm of noise.

Everything has to be accompanied by music. So every summer's day in the garden is ruined due to BAD music being played loudly and even worse, the accompanying singing. I think someone told my neighbour she had a good voice so she likes to share it. It's awful!

Then let's not forget the shouting, swearing, door slamming and motorbike revving... all the time... It's absolutely heaven when they go away. Too bad they don't go more!

Thanks @Minimili , some good advice there. I want to be kind and considerate, I'm not looking for anything unreasonable, just some action really from them regarding consideration for neighbours. I really hope she will understand and try. I really don't want it to turn into a tit for tat and bring up her past complaints but there does need to be a level or fairness. I absolutely don't want to report anything as this is more about being a considerate neighbour than breaking the law. Hence why it is so difficult.

It is hard to explain how much constant noise affects you. It would be a lot easier if it was clearcut e.g. making noise past 11pm. Just because it's not 'illegal' doesn't mean it doesn't have an effect on people. I think everyone should make an effort to make other people's lives easier and work together.

I understand how you are feeling I still have anxiety due to past noisy neighbours but mine were party lovers and druggies so a completely different type of noise. But nevertheless If it affects you it does, doesn't matter how others cope. I can imagine I would get sick of it being constant.

There are a few videos on YouTube coping with neighbour noise etc that may help. I'm even looking into therapy as I think I have ptsd still from it all.

You could move but do it with caution as you may end up fixating on other noise. Unless you can do what I've ended up doing and go detached, but you can't control outside noise.

Certain noises can sometimes trigger me so it's not a case of getting over it (dont think you can) but it's trying to cope with it (and that's not easy). I use to get rage and want to run, and that's called fight or flight mode, the knots in my stomach use to make me sick. Dreaded even going home.

I find that fans create white noise so it doesn't sound as loud, I find it soothing and I always put mine on to help me sleep too just a little tip. Rain apps etc are amazing also lots of white noise videos on YouTube !

Welcome to living in a terraced house, I guess? Could be a lot worse, trust me. I once lived somewhere with such poor soundproofing I heard next door sneeze.

I hear one set of neighbours quite often, and just take the attitude that if I can hear their partying then they can hear my autistic son's loud vocal stimming, so let's just leave each other to it.

You sound so stressed out OP. I do understand, neighbour noise is very stressful and what I’ve experienced has been less than what you’ve described, that was stressful enough.

I would like to think that I shouldn't have to live with it, or at least I can TRY to not have to live with it as it is now, by approaching my neighbour in a kind and reasonable way.

Thing is, how would that go, really? You live next door to a family and honestly the stress of keeping kids quiet means the stress you’re feeling will just transfer into their household. Best to actually just remove the stress - one of you move! Hopefully they’ll outgrow their terrace if they’ve got 2 kids? I would honestly just move though, for an easy life. Surely approaching them and the relationship going forward will just be equally stressful. Life is short, you can’t be hiding away paralysed in bed or crying in your car etc. Honestly just move. Home is where you make it!

Live your life, play your guitar and have friends over. When she messages you, message back " yes, I hear you as well".

Put that ball right back in her court.

There’s no answer to this other than moving and crossing your fingers. I really sympathise as I’ve felt that way too.

I would want to say “your voice never stops from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to sleep and it’s driving me mad” but we live in a world where we can’t say what we mean. Even if you manage to dress that up “politely”, people are so unpredictable. You could get anything between “oh I didn’t realise, I’m so sorry” to a punch in the face for being Rude.

The thing is, you can't force people to be nice, considerate neighbours.

I think everyone should make an effort to make other people's lives easier and work together.

You are being spectacularly naive. And do you really think a mum of two small children who are doing what small children do has the energy to consider what you may be feeling?

I’d wait until she next complains about your noise (perhaps don’t be so considerate to expedite that process) and then say it would be good to discuss noise generally so that you’re both able to live peacefully as far as possible. Then consider some reasonable things you could ask her to do. Ie expecting the children not to run around or play isn’t reasonable but asking them to shut their back door when they are in the garden so the Noise doesn’t travel inside might be.

I agree.

Maybe you’re being spectacularly selfish?

Honey catches more bees than vinegar. People should at least try and consider others.

I would do this and I'm also neurodivergent.

Stop tiptoeing around her. She doesn't do it for you. Almost everyone on this thread is saying she has the absolute right to be loud and inconsiderate and make your life awful, so that means that you do as well.

Fuck her. Play your guitar. Play music. Phone a friend and talk really loudly. Show her the same consideration that she does to you, and when she texts you just reply "yeah, I can hear you as well, that's life in a terrace isn't it?" Or ignore her. Or say "yeah I'm playing music to drown out your noise".

She's obviously selfish and thoughtless so I don't think talking to her is going to help. Just live your life.

I would definitely say stop tip toeing around and ignore her complaining messages about your noise! Live your life. You sound like a very considerate neighbour so I wouldn't worry about her moaning.

It will be hard getting her to change how she conducts her life in her home, as she just won't be thinking about how what she is doing impacts on her neighbours - she doesn't sound like the sort of person who will think of others.

I spent 20 years in a terrace house mostly with neighbours with young children and never heard them. Now I live in a detached house and my perfectly nice neighbour loves to play loud music in the garden so this house is noisier than the terrace! So, even if you did move, there is no guarantee life would be better. We live on a crowded island on a crowded planet.

My neighbour would shout into his phone on work calls in the garden of our semi detached houses so I did shout down the garden to see if hubbie wanted coffee. He went quieter ..goid luck xxx

Sorry just came back to reply to this. I am not spectacularly naive; what a shitty, patronising and misjudged comment. I can think and aspire to be whatever I like and I can encourage others to do the same. This is what's wrong with society - we absolutely should all be aiming to be kind to each other, even if that means little sacrifices and shock horror sometimes thinking about the needs and wants of other people.

Jesus. I can't believe I'm being openly criticised for simply wanting people to be kind to each other.

I can’t believe you are being criticised for that, either.

Being considerate of other people is common decency. It used to be expected, now it seems to be the exception. I’m shocked by how many posters don’t seem to think people should have to give any thought to anyone but themselves. What an awful world we now live in.

Amen!!!!