Can't cope with neighbour noise

[Stripeysuitcase]

Hi everyone, please be kind as I am really struggling. This is absolutely not a child or neighbour bashing thread. Noone is particularly in the wrong, I just need some practical advice to get through.

I live in a terraced house and I just cannot cope with the noise from my neighbour. They have a toddler and baby - the toddler in particular is very loud and screams often, and the parents are very loud. The thing I really struggle with is that the whole day is a running commentary from the mum to the children and she has a loud voice. Their door is often open and they are usually in the garden. So the noise is quite loud and it's constant. As its not antisocial, e.g. loud music at 1am, I don't feel I can say anything. But it is massively affecting my mental health and I can't cope anymore.

I find all of this noise so upsetting as there is nowhere in my house that I can go to avoid it. For example now I am just sat in bed unable to get up and have had constant noise since 7. It seems to paralyse me. I have stopped using my garden because there is no peace. I am neurodiverse and desperately need some quiet time to recharge, and I get to the point where I just have to go and cry somewhere to let it out. I have tried being out of the house most of the day or going out in the evening but this causes me more stress with more people and noises and I am just exhausted, because it's even less peaceful. I can't escape and despite it being my house I don't have control over 'my' space - I feel like my private life has been taken away. I appreciate that not everyone is affected this way by noisy neighbours and lots of people 'get on with it' but this isn't the case for me and trust me I would love more than anything to not care. I am desperately looking to move but it's so difficult. It is also impacting my partner as by the time he comes home I'm frazzled and for example can't deal with him putting even quiet music on if he wants to.

I ABSOLUTELY understand that children are noisy, and that people are entitled to live as they wish in their home. They are not necessarily doing anything wrong, and they are not bad people. But I don't think they are aware of just how much noise they make and how much it is impacting me. It is CONSTANT. I feel completely stuck as I don't want to upset them, or make things difficult for them, but I would like to find a way to ask them to be a little more mindful of the noise and try to reduce it some times. For example, I'd really like to be able to relax in the garden just a couple of hours a week, and perhaps they could close their back door? Or if the kids are screaming for a long time, perhaps they could take them inside? Or ideally use softer voices outside? I don't know what to reasonably ask for or how to do it.

It feels to me like they are living their life with no understanding of being in a terraced house, whereas I really try to keep my noise down and be considerate. I am a people pleaser and hate upsetting people. She has complained about one-off noise from me (we're not taking about parties or anything terrible here!) and immediately picks up on anything I do, and so I do feel like there are different rules for us and I live in a bit of fear of impacting them or upsetting then. E.g. I wouldn't dream of playing music with the door open, but they often do.

Again I am not interested in either slagging them off or slagging me off. We are just two people living our lives, but I just really need some practical advice as to how to address this carefully and kindly for both of us. I have tried everything from leaving the house to playing music to wearing noise cancelling earbuds constantly. All of this just exhausts me more. At the same time they cannot help having children, and I cannot help being neurodiverse. I have really really tried to not let it affect me, i haven't done anything to impact them or ask them to change anything at this point, and I don't want to upset them. Perhaps if they knew the impact on me they would try a little to keep it down. I'm hoping they are just unaware of how much their voices travel.

Sorry that was long, it's hard to get it across in the right way. Has anyone got any advice?

Try the loop in ear earplugs. I bought some recently for sleeping and they are so comfortable but they also do some for dulling environmental noise.

I really don't think you can ask them to keep the noise down because it sounds like normal noise from a family with tiny children. They aren't playing loud music or banging balls against a party wall or thundering up and downstairs all day.

I think you sound a bit like me in that you get completely overwhelmed by noise. Where I live is normally pretty quiet but sometimes on hot summer days there's a lot of noise from people outside enjoying their gardens and I find it wearing. My solution is to go out into the countryside and get away from the noise and from people just to reset a bit. Is there anyway you could do that? Depends where you live obviously but there must be a park somewhere near where you could find a quiet corner to sit.

What time to the kids go to bed? Can you use your garden after they've gone to bed? Surely the parents aren't making a whole load of racket when the kids are trying to sleep.

Do you work from home? Can you go back into the office a couple of days a week? Can you go to a local library?

How is stating the "obvious" rude? A parent will interact with children are you expecting the parent to not?

Babies and toddlers can be loud it is normal.

Seriously?!

You think you can ask someone to moderate their voice in their own home? The Mum is not shouting or screaming here but interacting with her kids - I have all the sympathy for OP but this is just crazy.

The onus is on OP here, to find a way to live with this and how she reacts to the noise if moving is out of the question.

Because I think it was patently obvious that I meant for the OP to talk to the adult neighbour.
The adult in the house can then easily moderate their own voice or arrange for children to be kept inside before 7am or bring them back in at a certain time etc etc
I had 2 small boys and was certainly able to get them to be quiet from time to time. Not all the time but certainly possible for a period

I understand you don't feel it's about right or wrong, but you do need to think logically and decide what the actual point in speaking to them is.

You've already acknowledged they're just making normal family noise, so there's very little point in actually having a conversation unless you think they an actually do something to make it any better, surely?

I'll be honest, if a neighbour of mine complained because I had my door open in summer and they could hear me going about my daily life, I would just ignore them.

ive lived in 2 terraces.

Both eith children next door and one had a shared back yard.

No one ever made this sort of noise.

Well, legally and local government guidance will always exclude normal family noise. Baby crying at 1 am there is no law etc. To encourage people to give out about it is unlikely to go well.

The Op obviously has a noise sensitivity that is more likely to be rectified by their actions not others

To be fair we don't have an independent view of the noise. Given the equation with baby and toddler interactions i would be sceptical.

Well, legally and local government guidance will always exclude normal family noise. Baby crying at 1 am there is no law etc.

This is the problem - morality aside, it's not illegal to talk or make noise in your own home, and there's certainly nothing illegal about toddlers shouting or babies crying at anti-social hours.

That doesn't mean it can't be annoying as fuck, but complaining isn't going to get OP the outcome she wants (silence) - it's just going to piss them off.

But she says they shout through the door and at each other.

What happened to consideration?

Talk to them. I’m neurodiverse and noise sensitive . I’ve spoken to my team at work about the difficulties I have and many have been helpful and the situation has improved.
I know that this is largely my issue. People are generally kind .

They can’t make it better if they don’t know.

Without us being in OP's house and hearing it for ourselves, we can't say whether it's shouting or just people calling out to each other.

I'm not accusing OP of lying, it's just I know that as a neurodiverse, noise-sensitive person myself, what I interpret as shouting is often just normal noise.

I agree. I don’t think it’s “normal” to shout through the doors when you live in a terraced house. However I do think it is becoming normalised, which is a shame. You can tell by the number of comments about “normal family noise” (I suspect by the same people who give their toddlers iPads without headphones on planes and trains, and answer calls on speaker in shops).

As someone who lives in flats with really noisy neighbors I know how you feel and it does effect your mental health. I find having white noise on in the background really drowns it out and makes me feel I can relax more easily

We lived with neighbours like you. We constantly worried about our kids making too much noise. We were constantly telling our children to be quiet / laugh more quietly in their own home. I think our neighbours hadn’t had kids, but also didn’t expect people to live with kids in flats. Maybe when they were younger all families could afford a house. But this is now and we couldn’t. It was a three bedroom flat in a great school catchment. What did they expect?

The relief was IMMENSE when we moved. Such a weight off our shoulders. No child should ever be told to laugh more quietly.

Well you can control how loud your voice is, you sont need to be shouting for example, kids don't need to be screaming and ahoukd be told to tone it down otherwise how will they learn to be mindful of their behaviour in public places.

Ok. I have dealt with some noise matters.

Op's case seem to be overly stated so it is unclear what the issues are.
The main problem Op has is that she is at her end of the tether- it is never a good time to speak to anyone when you are this desperate. She admitted to being a people pleaser. Does it mean OP is also shy and neither her nor her 'neighbour' ever said hello to each other?

With neighbours, it 'pays' to have a civil relationship with, even a nod/ smile of acknowledgement when you meet at doors at same time pays.

Many many times, I could have raised issues with neighbours about kids behaviour etc but we ere on good terms so I let it slide.

What OP should have done or need to do in her next home, is mention the noise in a normal conversation. I would say something like: "God, how are you? I hope you manage to get some rest with the toddler and baby, as even I can hear the noise and sometimes just have to leave the house to get a break'. Then say, you understand her situation and maybe not much she can do about it.

Trust me, many people would try to keep the noise down- in as much as possible- if a neighbour mentioned that in a polite manner.

Your issue now, is it is past polite innocent convo as it is affecting your mental health. Maybe get a friend to visit you and ask the friend to go over to attempt the friendly conversation. Good luck.

Oh bless you. You’re not being unreasonable but I agree with others that neither are they unfortunately. I do wonder if they actually realise that they can be heard so clearly? Perhaps play some music really loud for a short while so that they can hear how loud things are?

Not that you should have to, but have you tried noise cancelling headphones just to get a bit of peace and quiet?

BOOTS…wax earplugs. That’s all I can advise. They mould to your ear, but they are soft, so not too uncomfortable. I’m ND and they got me through living in UNI social housing 🥴😬 I’ve used them many times next to my snoring husband. Distant noise they block out and almost block all close noise too. I know you shouldn’t have to but as they aren’t doing anything wrong as such, you’re sort of stuck between a rock and a hard place. Another thing, yes and babies make noise, but they also copy parents…the apple doth not fall far from the tree. 😅

I don't think there's much you can do, nothing you've described is exceptional, you just don't like hearing it. I'm sat in my terrace house with the door open and there's always some noise, drilling, sirens, traffic, sometimes music, the teenager next door drumming etc etc.
When my children were young I didn't let them outside too early and I discourage screaming and don't allow shouting inside, but if someone had complained about hearing me talk to my children-well what do they seriously want? Unless there's someth8ng you've left out, I think you need to come to terms with it.

I think I just need to clarify a few things.

I have never said that I can't and won't tolerate noise from children. I am not some hermit who can't interact with people. I have clearly said I don't expect children to be quiet all the time.

@Countymayo your comment in particular was quite painful to read. You've insinuated that I'm controlling their children's enjoyment and making their lives insufferable. I haven't even mentioned anything at this point, I have gritted my teeth and done everything in my power to deal with this myself. This includes noise cancelling headphones, putting music on, working in different rooms, working in the library and cafes, and just leaving the house whenever possible. I can't keep this up indefinitely. I am entitled to some peace within my house.

To clarify on the noise, it is most of the day, starting early, and it's throughout the house. The major noise is the mum talking, but also where the kids make noise. For example, they will be mostly in the kitchen with the door open or just outside. This is right next to my door, and the layout of the house also means that the sound travels throughout. It is all day every day and I just want SOME periods of quiet.

Again I am not asking them to control how loud their children laugh. I am a reasonable and kind person. I want to have a conversation about how much the noise travels and to try and find a way where SOME of the CONTROLLABLE noise could be reduced.

It seems really unfair that I have to live very quietly and in fear of making a noise that upsets them, yet they can be as loud as they want and make no effort to regulate that noise. I am just wanting to ask for some consideration, just a little bit. I don't think that's unreasonable. I'm not a monster, I just need some peace sometimes. I miss my lovely garden and being able to have a quiet bath in the evening or have a coffee in the kitchen in peace. It's very very rare I have any peace and I am so worn out 😞

Yeah I think you are going to have to move sadly.

It seems really unfair that I have to live very quietly and in fear of making a noise that upsets them

You don't have to do that at all, though. She can complain all she likes, you don't have to listen to her - just as she doesn't have to listen to you.

That's true, but that's not what the OP has described - baby or toddler screaming/crying at times. Babies and toddlers don't 'learn' not to get upset, not at that age. Parents 'constant commentary' to the children. IE interacting with them. Not screaming at them. Is the parent meant to ignore the children when she's with them?

I totally understand that the noise of children can be wearing, but it doesn't mean the OP has grounds to tell her neighbour to be quiet. And it may well just make things awkward if she does.

I've said already on the thread I like story quiet myself, so I'm not defending the neighbour because I think kids should run riot, far from from it, but that's not the situation the OP has described at all.