Can't cope with neighbour noise

[Stripeysuitcase]

Hi everyone, please be kind as I am really struggling. This is absolutely not a child or neighbour bashing thread. Noone is particularly in the wrong, I just need some practical advice to get through.

I live in a terraced house and I just cannot cope with the noise from my neighbour. They have a toddler and baby - the toddler in particular is very loud and screams often, and the parents are very loud. The thing I really struggle with is that the whole day is a running commentary from the mum to the children and she has a loud voice. Their door is often open and they are usually in the garden. So the noise is quite loud and it's constant. As its not antisocial, e.g. loud music at 1am, I don't feel I can say anything. But it is massively affecting my mental health and I can't cope anymore.

I find all of this noise so upsetting as there is nowhere in my house that I can go to avoid it. For example now I am just sat in bed unable to get up and have had constant noise since 7. It seems to paralyse me. I have stopped using my garden because there is no peace. I am neurodiverse and desperately need some quiet time to recharge, and I get to the point where I just have to go and cry somewhere to let it out. I have tried being out of the house most of the day or going out in the evening but this causes me more stress with more people and noises and I am just exhausted, because it's even less peaceful. I can't escape and despite it being my house I don't have control over 'my' space - I feel like my private life has been taken away. I appreciate that not everyone is affected this way by noisy neighbours and lots of people 'get on with it' but this isn't the case for me and trust me I would love more than anything to not care. I am desperately looking to move but it's so difficult. It is also impacting my partner as by the time he comes home I'm frazzled and for example can't deal with him putting even quiet music on if he wants to.

I ABSOLUTELY understand that children are noisy, and that people are entitled to live as they wish in their home. They are not necessarily doing anything wrong, and they are not bad people. But I don't think they are aware of just how much noise they make and how much it is impacting me. It is CONSTANT. I feel completely stuck as I don't want to upset them, or make things difficult for them, but I would like to find a way to ask them to be a little more mindful of the noise and try to reduce it some times. For example, I'd really like to be able to relax in the garden just a couple of hours a week, and perhaps they could close their back door? Or if the kids are screaming for a long time, perhaps they could take them inside? Or ideally use softer voices outside? I don't know what to reasonably ask for or how to do it.

It feels to me like they are living their life with no understanding of being in a terraced house, whereas I really try to keep my noise down and be considerate. I am a people pleaser and hate upsetting people. She has complained about one-off noise from me (we're not taking about parties or anything terrible here!) and immediately picks up on anything I do, and so I do feel like there are different rules for us and I live in a bit of fear of impacting them or upsetting then. E.g. I wouldn't dream of playing music with the door open, but they often do.

Again I am not interested in either slagging them off or slagging me off. We are just two people living our lives, but I just really need some practical advice as to how to address this carefully and kindly for both of us. I have tried everything from leaving the house to playing music to wearing noise cancelling earbuds constantly. All of this just exhausts me more. At the same time they cannot help having children, and I cannot help being neurodiverse. I have really really tried to not let it affect me, i haven't done anything to impact them or ask them to change anything at this point, and I don't want to upset them. Perhaps if they knew the impact on me they would try a little to keep it down. I'm hoping they are just unaware of how much their voices travel.

Sorry that was long, it's hard to get it across in the right way. Has anyone got any advice?

P.s @Bookgrrrl can you be my neighbour instead? 😅😭

You can come and join me when I buy my own island to guarantee peace and quiet😆But we’ll probably be driven bananas by screeching seagulls!

You’re not being unreasonable. Move as soon as you can.
We moved in March of this year from a rented quiet cul de sac to a rented semi detached house. I checked all the walls for thickness and the floors and windows etc for faults. I checked EVERYTHING in the house that bugged me about our old house and it passed.
However, the walls between us and our neighbour appeared to be thick but have zero insulation. I can hear every light switch, footstep and door closing, the toddler screams most of the day, the dog is left alone to bark for hours and the couple coo and shout much of the time. It starts anywhere between 4-7am with intermittent, but random breaks in noise, through to 8pm, thank goodness, when they all seem to go to bed at the same time!
The reason it affects me is that the noise sounds like it’s in our house, it is SO loud. I have really suffered with bad mental health and am trying to find a way to break our contract early. I saw another house before this one and simply made the wrong decision. I will NEVER make the same mistake again. If you get any sort of house, just make sure your bedroom at least is not adjoined to the neighbours house so you can go somewhere quiet to get some sleep.

I have two kids who are irritatingly loud (despite my best efforts) and if you came over to me and said what you’ve said in your posts, I’d 100% agree a way for both of us to try and be happy. I actually have a neighbour who never leaves the house so on the weekends I always take the noise makers out for at least two or three hours because I assume she must need some respite from them. I’d try to talk to them. Hopefully they’re reasonable. Also, I’ve NRTFT but are you near the countryside. Could you go out to a woods or something to get some peace? Not ideal I know but in the short term might give you some respite xx

I wonder if they realise how noisy they are??

I think you need to start looking at ways to help yourself cope with it. For example, noise cancelling headphones? Headphones with soft music or an audio book playing? Either sound blocking or sound altering earplugs? I have some Calmer earplugs which are supposed to make noises affect you less - reducing the fight or flight response. Set up several smart speakers throughout your house with soft music playing in every room? You could look at sound proofing - admittedly this will be a high cost. Hanging soft blankets along your adjoining wall will muffle some of the sound coming through.

i recommend trying the calmer earplugs - they are about £20 and help me when in a busy and loud environment

From all the OP has said, I think that's just not her. No point in antagonising even more. That said, it must be particularly galling to have made a noise, had a complaint and stopped; it sounds like the thoughtfulness is ones sided; I'd agree that consideration for others appears to be on the wane overall.
Out of interest, is she a single parent? It's possible she too is neuro divergent, or a child is, or perhaps someone has some hearing loss - which might help explain why she talks so loudly. On the positive, it's good to hear she is interacting with her kids, not parking them in front of a TV all day.
Do you have a partner?
I'm not neuro divergent, but I do dislike noise. My wife & I have a constant battle over the volume button on the telly; right for her is way too loud for me. I'm encouraging her to get a hearing test(Subtitles are a godsend!)

From all you've said, I think you're going to find it too stressful to talk to her, and if she's unwilling or unable to change, that could worsen the relationship between you. You'd not want to get to a position of wanting to o move, and finding a neighbour dispute on the cards

Good luck with your decision

Unfortunately for you, a household with a toddler and a baby is always going to be noisy. I think parents learn to tune it out to a degree as they are so used to it.

The way I see it, you have a few options - you can say nothing and try and subliminate the noise with white noise/background music/earphones

You can try speaking to your neighbour and explain how much the noise is affecting you and ask for a few specific changes, for example keeping their back door shut, turn down their radio etc. I doubt they'll be able to keep the children quiet or change how loud their voices are - some people are just loud!

If you really feel you can't cope, maybe think about moving? My mum lives in a little cul-de-sac which is mostly elderly people and it's very quiet. If peace is really important to you, you need to look at places where there won't be young families.

Your neighbours could be the best and most understanding in the world and despite efforts they still wouldn’t be able to keep small children quiet all the time.
I mean this kindly, but I find it hard to believe the noise is ALL the time. How old are these kids? Don’t they go to nursery or school? Surely there is a time in the evening when they are in bed that it’s quieter?
Could you listen to music or audiobooks with big pair of high quality headphones for a bit when it’s at its worst?
I’m wondering if there some relaxation techniques you might use when you find it bothering you?

If you feel you must talk to them, then it might be easier to focus on specifics than a general ‘you all make too much noise can you be more considerate please?’.

Pick your battles. Choose the times of day that it bothers you the most or seem particularly problematic and focus on those.
Im a very non confrontational person myself and I would find this very difficulty but maybe something like

‘This is really awkward but I need to chat to you about something. I’m finding it difficult in the mornings because the children are quite noisy at 7am. I have trouble sleeping and it’s waking me up really early. I wonder if they could be a little bit quieter?’

Or

’sometimes when I’m in the garden it’s hard for me to relax when your back door is open and everyone is making noise, would you be able to keep it down a little or just close the door for a bit?’

Hopefully things will improve as the kids get older, go to school/nursery if they don’t already, or when autumn and winter come and they at least don’t have doors and windows open so much!

I have lived below an ignorant mum and her child...when I complained I was told "she is 9" yeh old enough to not run and jump off the steps.

I feel your pain. Caused massive arguments I eventually moved.

Sadly autistic people need detached houses far away from humans, and most of us can't afford that. I think suicide rates are going to increase rapidly with the constant noise in the UK getting worse and worse. A lot of people don't understand the impact background noise has on them, but it's a major contributor to depression and obviously for autistic people it's far more severe.

You're not being unreasonable - most people have no consideration of others.

@@Aspierational Aspie here and I moved to a detached house for that very reason after going almost insane from stress with stompy upstairs neighbours.

It was great - then they all had kids and now that summer is here the noise is unbearable, constant screaming and balls being booted off the fence. We're selling up again. Note to aspies, new build estates aimed at families are not peaceful environments.

I'm autistic my neighbours drive me mad with music at crazy levels all day every day at weekends so can't use the garden and parties.

Highly recommend white/pink/brown noise depending on your type of neurodiversity some are better than others. Bbc sounds cbeebies calming sounds is what I use.

Loop earplugs are fab

Wear ear defenders. Lots of people with autism wear them to manage noise

Do they have neighbours at the other side of them? Might be worth talking to them.
Also, surely they aren't in the house all day? With a toddler and a baby they must go out for a couple of hours at some point to give you some peace?

Op, you have my sympathy. When I was growing up and when my kids were small we were considerate to those around us - it’s vulgar and brash to be shrieking all the time and I don’t care how old and stuffy that makes me sound. The level of entitled parenting that goes on these days is shocking. My only advice, apart from to really try and look into moving even if it’s to a new area (easier said than done, I know) would be to live your life - play your guitar, have friends in the garden, and when she complains see this as an ideal moment to explain to her that the noise levels that come from her house are unacceptable most of the time and what is she doing about it? Of course she’ll retort that kids are kids blah blah but hopefully if you stand her ground it might make her a little more aware. She sounds vile though, so ultimately I’d consider moving even if it’s to another terrace - just check out the neighbours first!

I sympathise… I lived in a terrace house,( owned) which was next door to a council house. The previous neighbours were not noisy. This family moved in and it was just awful… the kids constantly screaming and yelling, the adults yelling at each other ( all hours) people coming and going ( all hours), the smell of weed permeating through the walls, the sound of a trampoline being bounced on nearly drove me insane, not to mention the kids climbing on a frame and looking into our garden or wrecking our fence by climbing over to retrieve footballs etc etc etc.
They were not the sort of people you could complain to… we kept a diary for the council, but little was done.
In a funny way, I was glad my marriage broke up to get out of there.
There is just no need for excessive noise. I didn’t allow my kids to be over noisy when they were younger, and to have respect for the neighbours.

I sympathise with you OP but given she was happy to pull you up on noise immediately but appears to have no self awareness of her own noise, I doubt she will be receptive to your conversation and I’d worry that she may escalate out of spite….

If noise cancelling headphones aren’t helping, short term I would look seriously into sound proofing your house (even one room?) and long term,
at moving to a more rural location

also, with upset kids, it’s really not always practical to move them back inside, and may actually prolong the tantrum (especially if the reason the child tantrumed in the first place was because they didn’t want to leave the house!)

Seriously look into sound proofing your walls. It might save you all.

Do have a little word with them, they might not be aware.

The kids will grow up.

Thanks everyone for your suggestions and kindness.

A lot of people talk about kid noise - some of it is kid noise, but a lot of it is the mum. So I do feel like this can be changed. Also the location of the noise is the key thing - kitchen with door open, or in the garden. There is clearly zero understanding of or effort to reduce this noise, so either 1. She's not aware or 2. She is aware but doesn't care. I'm really hoping it's the first and hopefully this thread can help me word this in the right way.

Again, I am really understanding about kids. They're not robots. But there does have to be a level of awareness and having kids is not a get out of jail free card to make as much noise as you like. Having children is a life choice, I did not choose to have children mostly because of the household chaos and noise, and I am sad that I am essentially having to deal with this.

Regarding sound proofing, it won't help as again it's by my back door and it's just impossible to do the whole house. And I can't afford it. One of the major issues is that there is an alley between us, and my bedroom and bathroom go over this alley, so the noise sort of amplifies and echoes throughout the house. I can't soundproof this. For example, when the kid runs through this in the morning and the mum shouts after her, it is SO loud.

Thanks again. I want to say again that I really am trying to be reasonable here and it's so hard but I do need to stick up for myself and address my needs!

And I am trawling Rightmove (but also should be playing the lottery)

Op this is me. I don't think that people care these days how much ' normal' noise they make. I'm nd, and I have suffered most with loud extroverts next door the mother's voice was like a fucking cheese grater on my brain. They moved thank fuck , I also cringe at bouncing balls and footballs hanging against fences it literally makes me feel sick. The only thing I can do is headphones, they go on when kids are around, and stay on until late at night.bi don't use my garden either because even with the headphones I can hear them. We can't move, we can't afford to, if you can move do so and choose carefully, I presume you are young as you're still working, but my dream would be a quiet apartment in an over 55 place. I wouldn't be being careful with my noise though op , go in the garden and play your music, at a reasonable level, if she tells you to turn it down, just say naaaaah, it's so i can't hear your kids love. Like the pp says she can tell you to turn it down you don't have listen.

I do think parents become noise blind, I don’t have kids and when I see my friensa with there’s. (6 & 9) they run around screaming top note and they seem oblivious. Where as my inner self if cringing lol

YANBU. I've lived in many places exactly like this, and people who witter on about families being allowed to make noise just don't understand what it's like (or care). Where I live now there's a lot of noise (the estate's kids all congregate outside our row of houses, kick balls off cars and scream persistently, and my NDN but one can't speak at a normal volume but has to shout, so her kids also shout, etc.) but it's not constant so it's more bearable.

Unfortunately these days the majority of people couldn't give a stuff about anyone but their family, and think that having kids means that they can make as much noise as they like because the council can't do anything. It's bloody awful.

If I were you I'd just stop being so kind and live life at a normal, considerate volume rather than church mouse volume. If she texts, tell her you can hear her as well and it's just terrace living eh?

I wouldn't bother with an active request as speaking from experience, anyone who makes that much noise without making any adjustments for their neighbours couldn't give a fuck about anyone else.

@Billybob10 lol yeah you're right there, but I also think some level of noise is to be expected with small children - and the law agrees as normal family noise isn't counted under any of the antisocial noise laws.