Can't cope with neighbour noise

[Stripeysuitcase]

Hi everyone, please be kind as I am really struggling. This is absolutely not a child or neighbour bashing thread. Noone is particularly in the wrong, I just need some practical advice to get through.

I live in a terraced house and I just cannot cope with the noise from my neighbour. They have a toddler and baby - the toddler in particular is very loud and screams often, and the parents are very loud. The thing I really struggle with is that the whole day is a running commentary from the mum to the children and she has a loud voice. Their door is often open and they are usually in the garden. So the noise is quite loud and it's constant. As its not antisocial, e.g. loud music at 1am, I don't feel I can say anything. But it is massively affecting my mental health and I can't cope anymore.

I find all of this noise so upsetting as there is nowhere in my house that I can go to avoid it. For example now I am just sat in bed unable to get up and have had constant noise since 7. It seems to paralyse me. I have stopped using my garden because there is no peace. I am neurodiverse and desperately need some quiet time to recharge, and I get to the point where I just have to go and cry somewhere to let it out. I have tried being out of the house most of the day or going out in the evening but this causes me more stress with more people and noises and I am just exhausted, because it's even less peaceful. I can't escape and despite it being my house I don't have control over 'my' space - I feel like my private life has been taken away. I appreciate that not everyone is affected this way by noisy neighbours and lots of people 'get on with it' but this isn't the case for me and trust me I would love more than anything to not care. I am desperately looking to move but it's so difficult. It is also impacting my partner as by the time he comes home I'm frazzled and for example can't deal with him putting even quiet music on if he wants to.

I ABSOLUTELY understand that children are noisy, and that people are entitled to live as they wish in their home. They are not necessarily doing anything wrong, and they are not bad people. But I don't think they are aware of just how much noise they make and how much it is impacting me. It is CONSTANT. I feel completely stuck as I don't want to upset them, or make things difficult for them, but I would like to find a way to ask them to be a little more mindful of the noise and try to reduce it some times. For example, I'd really like to be able to relax in the garden just a couple of hours a week, and perhaps they could close their back door? Or if the kids are screaming for a long time, perhaps they could take them inside? Or ideally use softer voices outside? I don't know what to reasonably ask for or how to do it.

It feels to me like they are living their life with no understanding of being in a terraced house, whereas I really try to keep my noise down and be considerate. I am a people pleaser and hate upsetting people. She has complained about one-off noise from me (we're not taking about parties or anything terrible here!) and immediately picks up on anything I do, and so I do feel like there are different rules for us and I live in a bit of fear of impacting them or upsetting then. E.g. I wouldn't dream of playing music with the door open, but they often do.

Again I am not interested in either slagging them off or slagging me off. We are just two people living our lives, but I just really need some practical advice as to how to address this carefully and kindly for both of us. I have tried everything from leaving the house to playing music to wearing noise cancelling earbuds constantly. All of this just exhausts me more. At the same time they cannot help having children, and I cannot help being neurodiverse. I have really really tried to not let it affect me, i haven't done anything to impact them or ask them to change anything at this point, and I don't want to upset them. Perhaps if they knew the impact on me they would try a little to keep it down. I'm hoping they are just unaware of how much their voices travel.

Sorry that was long, it's hard to get it across in the right way. Has anyone got any advice?

I lived next to that kind of family for almost 10 years and I hardly ever went in my garden because of it. I was tense every day and stressed and hated living there. I moved and now I love being in this new house. It’s so quiet. I don’t need to play music to try and drown them out anymore. I’ve only heard the neighbours a couple of times so far and only for short periods of time. It’s lovely.

Hey there.

From experience ( I'm not living in terraced housing but in a neighborhood where house+garden are quite close to each other and there are mostly no fences) Our direct neighbours are not neglient about their kids but they believe quite strongly in "free" development and are not setting boundaries to their kids as I set boundaries for my kids. As I'm neurodiverse as well and just know how you are feeling about the hole confrontation stuff - you have to start getting confrontational.
For your peace of mind. You are clearly able to reflect yourself and with that in mind you can get peace without annoying people.
I couldn't cope with my neighbours kids as you can't cope with yours ( or the mum) being overly noisy (they're not doing something obviously wrong but overstepping your personal boundaries)
Tell them as you told us in your original post, be considerate but firmly. And live with their possible reaction. If that's hard for you, think about what's the worst that can happen. You are not emotional attached to them in anyway nor is it impossible to move away. Maybe not now but it is a possibility. There will be more people in your life you have to piss off.
And also take into account, the vast majority of people are not reacting reasonable to criticism. Nor thankful incase your criticism helps them and nor would they need to be.

I mean, maybe she'll be pissed of being asked turning her noise down but it's quite possible it's not you but her being angry with herself for getting emotional very fast or whatever.

One communication technique is, saying something nice about them( like you've got a nice garden, you must spend a lot of time outside ect) and then saying something along the line of it must be hard with two small kids ect) Or invite her over for something to drink, try finding common ground. She doesn't need to be your ( best) friend but it helps creating acquaintance.

So. Please give an update on the situation, I'd be quite interested in what worked for both of you in the end.

Bye

As I'm not a native speaker I'm thankful for being corrected if there are misplaced or misspelled words in my texts..

In my experience people can’t just suddenly talk at a different volume when asked - it sounds like she may have ADHD and much like you can’t just turn off your neurodiversity and dislike of constant noise she is unlikely to be able to turn off hers and stop talking.

Loop earplugs have been a lifesaver for me with neighbours breeding dogs that bark 24/7 in a very small terraced house

I agree. It sounds like you need something that just isn’t going to happen.

Alternatively I wonder if some sort of counselling would help?

No advice, I'm afraid, OP, only sympathy. I have ADHD and living in a terraced house with noise sensitivity nearly did me in. I hope you can find some respite - I completely understand what it's like when you feel your all-important safe space is invaded by noise.

Um.... you've just answered your own question
Have an adult conversation about keeping her noise down ...or start playing your guitar the minute she starts yorpping
My friend lived in a semi.
One night loud music till late.
The following Sunday morning my friend got up at 6 am and turned his stereo in full blast..... never heard a peep from them again.

Sorry OP, sounds tough.

However sounds like they’re just living a normal life with kids. It’s you that is suffering and personally think it’s unreasonable to ask them to change in their own home.

You really need to move house into better suited accommodation allowing quiet. I think that’s the only realistic solution.

Unfortunately we have neighbours who have friends over talking loudly til 2.30am and we play the stereo against the party wall from 6am Sunday morning back at them....they then just had friends over the following Saturday! @TammyJones so your friend's approach doesn't always work...

OP, you have my sympathies. I struggle to cope with noise. Also living in a terraced row, it's the noise late into the night whilst trying to sleep that gets to me. Her loud voice carries during the day but I can thankfully go outdoors or turn up my TV to block her out. But at night, my bed is my sanctuary that I am denied because they have friends over talking loudly all through the night.

I would not bother speaking to her OP. She obviously has no consideration and if she was it wouldn't have carried on as long as it has.

What happened in the end?

As someone who had very loud neighbours with a screaming baby and 4 noisy barking dogs in a 2 bed terrace with no garden I totally get it. Loop earplugs were a game changer