Can't cope with neighbour noise

[Stripeysuitcase]

Hi everyone, please be kind as I am really struggling. This is absolutely not a child or neighbour bashing thread. Noone is particularly in the wrong, I just need some practical advice to get through.

I live in a terraced house and I just cannot cope with the noise from my neighbour. They have a toddler and baby - the toddler in particular is very loud and screams often, and the parents are very loud. The thing I really struggle with is that the whole day is a running commentary from the mum to the children and she has a loud voice. Their door is often open and they are usually in the garden. So the noise is quite loud and it's constant. As its not antisocial, e.g. loud music at 1am, I don't feel I can say anything. But it is massively affecting my mental health and I can't cope anymore.

I find all of this noise so upsetting as there is nowhere in my house that I can go to avoid it. For example now I am just sat in bed unable to get up and have had constant noise since 7. It seems to paralyse me. I have stopped using my garden because there is no peace. I am neurodiverse and desperately need some quiet time to recharge, and I get to the point where I just have to go and cry somewhere to let it out. I have tried being out of the house most of the day or going out in the evening but this causes me more stress with more people and noises and I am just exhausted, because it's even less peaceful. I can't escape and despite it being my house I don't have control over 'my' space - I feel like my private life has been taken away. I appreciate that not everyone is affected this way by noisy neighbours and lots of people 'get on with it' but this isn't the case for me and trust me I would love more than anything to not care. I am desperately looking to move but it's so difficult. It is also impacting my partner as by the time he comes home I'm frazzled and for example can't deal with him putting even quiet music on if he wants to.

I ABSOLUTELY understand that children are noisy, and that people are entitled to live as they wish in their home. They are not necessarily doing anything wrong, and they are not bad people. But I don't think they are aware of just how much noise they make and how much it is impacting me. It is CONSTANT. I feel completely stuck as I don't want to upset them, or make things difficult for them, but I would like to find a way to ask them to be a little more mindful of the noise and try to reduce it some times. For example, I'd really like to be able to relax in the garden just a couple of hours a week, and perhaps they could close their back door? Or if the kids are screaming for a long time, perhaps they could take them inside? Or ideally use softer voices outside? I don't know what to reasonably ask for or how to do it.

It feels to me like they are living their life with no understanding of being in a terraced house, whereas I really try to keep my noise down and be considerate. I am a people pleaser and hate upsetting people. She has complained about one-off noise from me (we're not taking about parties or anything terrible here!) and immediately picks up on anything I do, and so I do feel like there are different rules for us and I live in a bit of fear of impacting them or upsetting then. E.g. I wouldn't dream of playing music with the door open, but they often do.

Again I am not interested in either slagging them off or slagging me off. We are just two people living our lives, but I just really need some practical advice as to how to address this carefully and kindly for both of us. I have tried everything from leaving the house to playing music to wearing noise cancelling earbuds constantly. All of this just exhausts me more. At the same time they cannot help having children, and I cannot help being neurodiverse. I have really really tried to not let it affect me, i haven't done anything to impact them or ask them to change anything at this point, and I don't want to upset them. Perhaps if they knew the impact on me they would try a little to keep it down. I'm hoping they are just unaware of how much their voices travel.

Sorry that was long, it's hard to get it across in the right way. Has anyone got any advice?

I can sympathise to an extent - I love peace and quiet - but they are doing nothing wrong, it’s that simple. By speaking to them you’re likely to antagonise them and thus cause you more stress. They won’t change and there’s no need for them to. Also I think you’re being pretty childish when you said in your last post the situation is “unfair”.

What’s the issues regarding moving? Is it purely lack of finances because I can’t understand why you’re still there.

I feel for you OP. One of my attached neighbours has a real “booming” voice which bounces through the adjoining walls when he talks. Thankfully he doesn’t talk much but blimey when he has a phone conversation I hear every word!

id look at Loop earplugs.

Noise cancelling headphones. In-ear, over ear, buds, try a few before you find a comfortable model. Neighbours did their extension last summer and I was lounging in my garden unbothered, listening to "tropical nature sounds" from Spotify in my earphones with zero outside noise.

Yes I'm serious. Some people have no idea how loud their voice is, or if it carries. If a neighbour knocked on my door and said they could hear every word i said I would be mortified and would try to moderate my voice especially in the evenings.

My DH has a booming voice, and it's painful to everybody's ears when he gets excited when driving. It's almost like he's shouting but not. He never used to be like that.

You can’t really ask them to be quiet OP, as much as that isn’t what you want to hear. Family life with young children IS a bit noisy, it is a lot of playing, running, communicating (louder than 2 adults would), in and out of the garden, back doors open etc. They aren’t doing anything wrong and I think any attempt to tell them to be quiet will be badly received because it is unreasonable, no matter how kindly you try to phrase it.

What time do they go to bed?

This.

I think a lot of people just don't know how loud they are or don't consider others.

I love quiet and agree it's my issue and I can't impose my standards on other people but I live by a river which I walk along daily.

'My' side of the river has houses way above it and is a bit of a challenging walk, the other side has houses with a paved area in front but then the river.

Nearly every day as i'm walking between 6-7 am there are joggers on the other side in pairs running past peoples front doors talking and laughing so loudly I hear them from the other side of the river. Or carrying 'phones belting out music.

Before 7am. If it was later in the day it might seem more reasonable but before 7 a lot if not most people will be in bed.

They either don't know how loud they're being or just don't care about disturbing other people.

Have you tried calmers or loops op? I don't think that they sound like the kind of people who would be quieter if you asked them.

Have you tried the loop earbud things, could they work for you?

I'm so sorry OP. Have you tried something like Loop earplugs? They're very discreet and come in different types / levels of noise cancelling. They're not like noise-cancelling headphones which, as you say, work best with music, but are intended for noise management in their own right. (I swear I\m not shilling for them, but many of my neurodiverse friends have them and find them useful for exactly this type of situation). https://www.loopearplugs.com/

I think much more likely is that it will antagonise the situation and paint OP in a very unreasonable light.

@Stripeysuitcase Unfortunately they only really work if you have music on too, otherwise you can still hear a bit and then I'm 'waiting' for the next noise if that makes sense

Are you sure those are the actual ones you have? I have these and wear them frequently in my house as we are a full house packed with adults and lots of noise. My (adult) kids literally stand right in front of me and talk to me and I can’t hear a word when I’m wearing these - no music required. Frustrates them no end but is a joy for me. It’s my me time and I’ll take them off when I want to listen to people talk to me😁. I also wear them when travelling to work and can’t hear any station or train announcements whatsoever, it blocks it all straight out, don’t need to be playing anything as such. Do you have them set right? I’m guessing they need to be set up a certain way, wouldn’t know as someone set mine up for me?

It seems really unfair that I have to live very quietly and in fear of making a noise that upsets them, yet they can be as loud as they want and make no effort to regulate that noise

You need to start making more noise to let her know that noise travels through the houses. I live in a terrace house and my NDN said she was having a terrible time with the neighbours on the other side of her regarding noise. There was a few spats between them.

Meanwhile she was slowly driving me mad with her own noise but I wasn't brave enough to say anything. I am very very quiet, there's only 3 of us here, no young kids. So she thought because it was so quiet on one side and noise on the other that those neighbours were extreme.

She was in my kitchen one day and she heard through the wall her husband pottering about, he slammed a cupboard door (by accident I assume), it wasn't even really that loud, wouldn't have been loud enough to bother me but she was really shocked. She was mortified that she'd given the other NDN a hard time. She has stopped all the noise that was bothering me. Just normal household noise now but the thundering up and down stairs has stopped which was the worst.

If you have the budget, you could look at acoustic wall panelling - it's pretty decent to look at these days and can make a difference. And you need something to tune your ears into to stop listening for their noise - if you can bear white noise, a talk channel on the radio or keep a fan running on low. I can't sleep without a fan on all year round as I've got hypersensitive hearing.

And I would make sure that you're making noise too so they begin to appreciate that noise travels through the walls.

The problem is that it is really the luck of the draw what your neighbours are like. The noisiest place we ever lived was a semi-detached in a supposedly quiet cul de sac with almost no traffic. The green space outside our house was used by about 10 to 30 local kids as a playground, and the noise - shouting, screaming, footballs being kicked - was constant after school until after dark, all day at weekends, and in the holidays it started at 10 am and went on until 10 pm or later, every day. It was like living in the middle of a school playground, there was no escape from it, even in the back of the house or in the garden. Of course children should be able to play out, but we moved. We now live in a terrace, which is completely silent 90% of the time.

I strongly suggest that you start thinking about moving. Just doing something - looking at possible new places - might make you feel less tense and more in control. I really understand how noise at home can send your anxiety spiralling and that feeling of never being able to get any peace, and some people are much more sensitive to noise than others.

I think people are very much more inconsiderate than they used to be, and it’s not just about how much noise parents allow their kids to make. It’s now the norm to be on public transport and have someone nearby listening to music, watching something or Facetiming without headphones, for example. I think things like mobile phones have made the problem worse, because a lot of people are so busy staring at their devices that they’re oblivious to other people.

I’ve had neighbours like yours, two separate families with young kids, often out in the garden making a racket all day long. When I was a child, we would be told to keep the noise down when we were in the garden because other people had a right to enjoy their gardens, too. Nobody expects children to be seen and not heard, but one thing I have noticed in recent years is a huge increase in the amount of screaming that children seem to do (when playing, not when upset). Forty years ago, that was considered completely unacceptable. I find it physically uncomfortable, and often that kind of loud play seems to go on and on and on. For a short while it’s tolerable, but when it’s hours it’s not. In the end I moved out of the city to get away from it.

The thing is I don't want to make unnecessary noise to deliberately impact her, and quite frankly I'm afraid to. In the past she has messaged me about one off noises, and I have found this been quite inappropriate and intimidating, and now I am afraid to make any noise. I have NEVER messaged her about noise as I am trying to be as tolerant as I can. But I just can't cope anymore.

I stop myself doing anything that would make a 'voluntary' noise, e.g. playing my guitar properly, having friends in the garden, making any noise in the bedroom. I feel like I have to live my life as quietly as possible and without freedom to do the things I enjoy, and I think this is partly why I find it so hard to cope with. I don't deal well with conflict and am mortified when I upset others and can't seem to just let this wash over me. So I am not comfortable knowingly 'inflicting' noise on them - this would be awful of me and is not who I am.

This is why I would like to have a reasonable conversation with her about how much the noise is travelling. For example, yesterday she was leaving the house and her child was upset. This was all done outside the back door, so I had booming voices of MUMMY IS LEAVING and a wailing upset child for 5 minutes. I found this really hard to listen to, it's quite upsetting listening to a kid being upset. I am really affected by others' emotions so it's really hard. I couldn't get away as it echoes through the house. I think this could have been avoided by not doing it right next to my door, so an example would be asking if her child is upset like that to maybe pop indoors for a few minutes, or say bye inside the house not next to my door. Not all the time, just sometimes if it's possible. Just now I have been listening to the baby crying and screaming in the garden for over an hour whilst she comforts them. Or course babies and children cry and I'm not saying they can't! But is it really completely normal to not think about who else may be impacted and try and do a little something to change it like go indoors or shut the door? If my dog was barking in the garden I would immediately take him indoors or quieten him, for the neighbours sake.

Sorry, I'm just rambling but again I'm sat listening to loud voices and children crying through open doors and I'm just exhausted. I want to hide in my own house. I've already been out for half the day walking about and just came straight back to it and just feel so tired.

I think there's a middle ground between living with this silently and spending hundreds of thousands of pounds to relocate and move away from my home. I would like to think that I shouldn't have to live with it, or at least I can TRY to not have to live with it as it is now, by approaching my neighbour in a kind and reasonable way.

Honestly l lived next door to a neighbour with a baby and toddler in the middle of summer.

I never heard them. They’d be outside a lot but it was all quiet and they took them in if they got noisy.

Some people are just inconsiderate gobshites. And you live next door to one. Why do they have to shout or be loud? What about voice moderation or just good manners?

If you think the noise is unreasonable, then record, log and report. Having children doesn’t mean anyone can run riot.🤷‍♀️

@Stripeysuitcase you say it would cost you hundreds of thousands of pounds to move.

Can you explain why that is as it doesn’t seem plausible.

This new screaming phenomenon is so strange. The kids in my street do it too and only one of the parents goes out to tell hers to stop but the rest all carry on. My youngest is 13 and when she used to go out to play, she and her friends would shout, be loud(ish) but never anywhere near this screaming level that happens now. I don't understand how the parents can stand it.

Me and another neighbour went out to the street one evening after hearing screaming thinking that a child had been injured but no, they were just screaming for the sake of it. What happens when there is an accident and everyone ignores it?

The thing is I don't want to make unnecessary noise to deliberately impact her, and quite frankly I'm afraid to. In the past she has messaged me about one off noises, and I have found this been quite inappropriate and intimidating, and now I am afraid to make any noise. I have NEVER messaged her about noise as I am trying to be as tolerant as I can. But I just can't cope anymore

That's because you make NO noise. My neighbour was the same about the ones on the other side until she realised her noise was also travelling into my house. Don't keep your noise down. How dare she do that to you. Tell her you can hear all her noise too.

The thing is I don't want to make unnecessary noise to deliberately impact her, and quite frankly I'm afraid to. In the past she has messaged me about one off noises, and I have found this been quite inappropriate and intimidating, and now I am afraid to make any noise. I have NEVER messaged her about noise as I am trying to be as tolerant as I can. But I just can't cope anymore.

Why are you letting this stranger have so much power over you and how you live your life?