Can't cope with neighbour noise

[Stripeysuitcase]

Hi everyone, please be kind as I am really struggling. This is absolutely not a child or neighbour bashing thread. Noone is particularly in the wrong, I just need some practical advice to get through.

I live in a terraced house and I just cannot cope with the noise from my neighbour. They have a toddler and baby - the toddler in particular is very loud and screams often, and the parents are very loud. The thing I really struggle with is that the whole day is a running commentary from the mum to the children and she has a loud voice. Their door is often open and they are usually in the garden. So the noise is quite loud and it's constant. As its not antisocial, e.g. loud music at 1am, I don't feel I can say anything. But it is massively affecting my mental health and I can't cope anymore.

I find all of this noise so upsetting as there is nowhere in my house that I can go to avoid it. For example now I am just sat in bed unable to get up and have had constant noise since 7. It seems to paralyse me. I have stopped using my garden because there is no peace. I am neurodiverse and desperately need some quiet time to recharge, and I get to the point where I just have to go and cry somewhere to let it out. I have tried being out of the house most of the day or going out in the evening but this causes me more stress with more people and noises and I am just exhausted, because it's even less peaceful. I can't escape and despite it being my house I don't have control over 'my' space - I feel like my private life has been taken away. I appreciate that not everyone is affected this way by noisy neighbours and lots of people 'get on with it' but this isn't the case for me and trust me I would love more than anything to not care. I am desperately looking to move but it's so difficult. It is also impacting my partner as by the time he comes home I'm frazzled and for example can't deal with him putting even quiet music on if he wants to.

I ABSOLUTELY understand that children are noisy, and that people are entitled to live as they wish in their home. They are not necessarily doing anything wrong, and they are not bad people. But I don't think they are aware of just how much noise they make and how much it is impacting me. It is CONSTANT. I feel completely stuck as I don't want to upset them, or make things difficult for them, but I would like to find a way to ask them to be a little more mindful of the noise and try to reduce it some times. For example, I'd really like to be able to relax in the garden just a couple of hours a week, and perhaps they could close their back door? Or if the kids are screaming for a long time, perhaps they could take them inside? Or ideally use softer voices outside? I don't know what to reasonably ask for or how to do it.

It feels to me like they are living their life with no understanding of being in a terraced house, whereas I really try to keep my noise down and be considerate. I am a people pleaser and hate upsetting people. She has complained about one-off noise from me (we're not taking about parties or anything terrible here!) and immediately picks up on anything I do, and so I do feel like there are different rules for us and I live in a bit of fear of impacting them or upsetting then. E.g. I wouldn't dream of playing music with the door open, but they often do.

Again I am not interested in either slagging them off or slagging me off. We are just two people living our lives, but I just really need some practical advice as to how to address this carefully and kindly for both of us. I have tried everything from leaving the house to playing music to wearing noise cancelling earbuds constantly. All of this just exhausts me more. At the same time they cannot help having children, and I cannot help being neurodiverse. I have really really tried to not let it affect me, i haven't done anything to impact them or ask them to change anything at this point, and I don't want to upset them. Perhaps if they knew the impact on me they would try a little to keep it down. I'm hoping they are just unaware of how much their voices travel.

Sorry that was long, it's hard to get it across in the right way. Has anyone got any advice?

This. I really wouldn't tell a mother of two young children to quite down it won't go well.

The door open is the norm here also. It sounds unfortunately you are particularly noise sensitive so maybe explore resources to address thAt?

And if you have no kids or live on your own and listen to music your not allowed to make as much noise are you it's pretty unfair to those people who don't live with others who might enjoy listening to music etc that have the volume of noise limited but if it's people.its OK to be as loud as you like even it's impacting other people's enjoyment of their home.

OP, I feel your pain. I had to move to get away from a noisy neighbour. When I say move I mean I had bought my forever home, had spent years renovating it and many many £££'s to get it to be the perfect home. It was detached with a large garden as well. A neighbour moved in during that time and made our lives hell, he installed swimming pools, pool house, Jacuzzi etc, had loud parties all through lockdown and it was unbearable. We had many conversations and rows but in the end he and his family were just very loud and very entitled.

We sold in the end as I can honestly say I nearly had a nervous breakdown so I can totally understand how you feel. Funnily enough the house is up for sale again just two years later so I imagine they are doing the same to the new owners.

I don't think you will resolve it personally - she "may" be quiet for a little while but people like that just don't care. I would say the only option you would have is to move. I tried all the noise cancelling headphones and white noise machines but I could hear them ALL the time, even when the TV was on.

A way to approach this is to start with yourself in the conversation.

So for example, pretend you're going to have some friends round and say "hey neighbour I'm having some friends round on the 15th. I know that my noise has bothered you in the past so wanted to check in with you if there was anything we can do to mitigate the impact.

Then continue to talk and say "yes these terraced houses are difficult because the noise travels so easily and our gardens are so small. I do hear you all the time and Im sure you hear us! Actually now that we're talking, maybe we should try to have a quiet hour or some mutual rules so we don't disturb each other outside core hours. What do you think?"

This way you're letting them know it's audible for you but coming from the angle that you must be annoying them (which ofc you aren't)

It's just different tolerance levels isn't it op. But that still doesn't mean it's easy.

I don't think there's much she can do in a terraced home with two very young children to manage the noise.

Do you wfh or is there another reason why you have to be there all the time? I'm thinking if you have the chance to do it could you go somewhere else during the day, maybe to a beach or forest or somewhere that's quieter? Maybe a lesser used coffee shop or library? Presumably this is mainly daytime noise as the kids are likely in bed by the early evening? So I'm thinking that filling your time during the day when they're at home is probably your best approach?

I'm sorry I disagree. I don't think people without children should be quiet, but I do think theres a difference between noise you can control and noise that is part of every day life.
I like watching films at home, if it's in the daytime I'll have the audio through speakers, if it's nighttime it'll be through headphones, it's not hard.
If the children were playing basketball or had baby shark on repeat then it'd be reasonable to bring it up, but nothing the OP has described is unreasonable.

A sudden idea @Stripeysuitcase, in case you love the area and don't want to/can't move.

Could you possibly change the way you use the rooms in your house, so your sitting room is upstairs so further away from the noise during the day, and then your bedroom isn't next to the kids' bedrooms at night/early morning?

I'm just looking at houses for sale and found one which is "upside down" to make the most of the views, and that's what made me think of it...

Just some solidarity from me. And maybe a cautionary tale.

I lived in a terrace. I love quiet and peace but financially I couldn’t afford anything detached and thought an older solid house would be better insulated than a paper thin new build. How I was wrong! My neighbour was a SAHM who had school age kids. The minute they went to school, she had the radio booming from 9.15am to 3pm every day. Then after 3 the kids picked up the pace with their own sounds. The walls were so thin I could hear conversations. We looked into soundproofing but part of the noise leakage was via shared chimney breasts so we were advised it was pointless. She then moved one of her radios to the windowsill right by the kitchen door, and had the kitchen door open all day for her pets. Her door and mine were opposite across a tiny yard - maybe 8ft apart. And I listened to that crap for 8 months of the year, day in and day out, through the walls, through the garden, inescapable. Frazzled with a newborn, I did eventually ask super politely if she realised how it was quite intrusive. BAD mistake. It led to louder music, music she would leave on deliberately when she was out, then dinner parties with music until 3am. It got worse and worse. We moved.

it consumes you and I’m sorry you are having to go through this. I really can’t suggest anything other than living elsewhere.

I sympathise with you, I lived in a terrace. It was awful. Walls like paper could hear everything. Had noise both sides and couldn't enjoy the garden as kids constantly screaming .

Like you said, there is no getting away from it. In the end, I moved. I hadn't lived there a whole year. The best thing I did is that I now live in a semi-detached and only have 1 neighbour.

I sympathise totally OP.
I am about to sell up and move to a more rural location for this reason.

I think some people are just loud and entitled, and of the view that just because “there is no rule about it”, “they are allowed to”, or “there is nothing to stop them” they don’t need to consider other people.

Most of our neighbours are lovely and considerate. The usual noises of kids playing (and being told to be more considerate if they start shrieking), normal volume conversations outside, music/tv volume lowered if the doors or windows are open.

Then there is that one neighbour. Booming voice. Patio doors open with the music turned up so he can work out to it outside. Kids screaming ant each other and he just raises his voice over them. Most recently he has trained his dog to bark, and also bought whistles for his kids. I genuinely think it doesn’t even occur to them how much louder they are than everyone else. Even when they are talking at “normal volume” for them, I can hear them over a block away (if they are at the park).

@jeaux90

Rural doesn't necessarily mean quiet, the noisiest house I've lived in neighbours wise was a tiny village and it wasn't the semi attached that was the problem - nightmare neighbours next door the other side, aggressive barking dogs, pot smoking, fights in garden plus further away at the "big house" a love of all night parties! And that's before you add in agricultural noise from tractors etc.

My house now is super quiet despite being terraced because it's an eco house properly insulated for noise and heat.

Are you seriously not able to contemplate why one noise created by an autonomous human being differs from a controlled noise?

Honestly the critical thinking skills on here baffle me sometimes.

And exactly how is one supposed to communicate this with the toddler and baby?

I do think it's the luck of the draw with a terrace. I have elderly neighbours either side, which I am hugely grateful for, but live in terror of them dropping dead and a young family moving in.

I think it's either moving or finding ways to live with it.

If you really can’t mitigate and it’s making you this miserable, I think your only option is to move.

No need to be rude! I meant the parents of course

Sometimes I think there should be a national campaign focusing on how 'other people's noise' affects others because it definitely got much worse over lockdown and seems to have just continued thereafter.

We used to have hellishly noisy neighbours - who were actually a lovely family but just SO loud.

I’m not sure many people making normal household noise would respond well to being told to speak less to their dc. I don’t think it’s a conversation you can have as they’re not being unreasonable.

I feel like this, I'm lucky that I'm end terrace and have a lovely single lady and her adult son as my neighbour but if she ever decides to sell I think I will too! I would struggle enormously with small child noise

I don’t think there is a solution and I’m not sure really what you think you’ll get from this thread? I dont know how you tell a family in their own home not to make normal noise, regardless of how loud and grating it is for you because unfortunately that is the joy of Terraced life! (And I speak from bitter experience.)

I use wax ear plugs at night, Bluetooth during the day and like you have been known to stay out of the house when it’a particularly bad just to stop myself going round and screaming at them to shut up 😁. I’m now looking to move because I know that it’s the only option.

I haven't read the full thread but Loops earplugs have been a game changer for me.

I'm so sorry OP. I don't have any advice, I'm afraid, but you have my sympathies. I absolutely hate, hate, hate noise. I'm not ND, but I am sensitive and anxious. I'm also an introvert who craves space and silence. The UK is a hellish place for people like me. There are just too many human beings squeezed onto this little island, it's as simple as that. Developers take advantage and build tiny rabbit hutches which they jam on top of one another to maximize profits. It's disgusting. We're literally building new slums.

I live in dread of noisy neighbours. Unfortunately, they never stop building round here. My local woods have been hacked down to make way for two new estates, and a second giant estate has been built at the other end of the village. We've also heard that 800 new homes are planned for the road that leads into town. That road is choked with traffic now, so god knows what it will be like when an extra 800 cars are added. And the village news letter now tells me more houses are going to have to be built in the village. It just never ends. I'm constantly woken by the screeching and exploding of boy racer cars. And kids on motorbikes now fly up and down my road carrying drugs between the new estates.

I will do anything for peace and quiet. I'll move anywhere and make any sacrifice. I'd rather live on a narrowboat, or in a caravan, than on a noisy estate. If I ended up trapped on a noisy estate, on in a block of noisy flats, it would be a death sentence. And I mean that literally.

You can't change the level of noise and you (presumably) don't want to move but you can change the way you think about the noise. At the moment you have an emotional reaction to the sounds; you're anticipating them, you probably tense up every morning and your brain is highly tuned to picking up each and every noise. It is possible to change your response so that your mind filters out the noise as unimportant - in the same way that people who live next to railway lines, busy roads or under flight paths quickly stop hearing those noises.

whole day is a running commentary from the mum to the children and she has a loud voice.

Start there. If she can moderate her volume, or go nearer to the children when talking, it might improve enough. Plus she could start encouraging her toddler to do the same. There's a reason primary schools implement "indoor voices" almost immediately. Ask her if she realises her voice carries and you can hear almost everything she says.