To admit I live like this to see if anyone else does?

[11ds]

I keep this a secret. I don’t expect it to be common but I wonder if anyone else lives like this?

I have a nice home, I am a single parent to a toddler. I look totally normal to the outside world and dress well etc. I am clean. DS’s spaces are always clean and tidy. But the rest of my home is awful. My bedroom is littered with tissue and labels from clothes or empty toilet rolls. It’s cluttered. Boxes still unopened from when I moved a year ago. I don’t let ds see any of this.

I don’t have a sofa. I have no rugs or a wardrobe (ds has a wardrobe). I keep my clothes in a pile on the floor.

I don’t own proper cooking utensils or oven gloves. I just pick food from the oven with my sleeve. I don’t have a duvet cover. I have one tiny hand towel to dry body and hair.

these are just a few weird things. It’s not a money problem. I have 100k savings and earn 4.5k a month. I spend money on nice make up and will get my hair done or buy ds nice toys etc. I always think one day I will sort a wardrobe etc but I never get round to it. I never feel it’s justified as I’ve just got used to living like this.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me? I assume this isn’t common? Am I mentally unwell? I dare not share it with anyone IRL!

@Shiningout i guess because two hundred quid on hair and make up feels different to 1k on a sofa.

in the living room he has toys, a play mat on the carpet and there is my desk for work.

Sounds like you despise and don't value yourself at all. So you spend money on superficial things that will win others' approval - beauty, hair. You do need counselling, there is a MH issue called underspending which is the inverse of being a spendthrift. You can buy a home starter pack on Amazon which contains everything basic you need to furnish a kitchen, also towels etc - think they're intended for students. Costs around £200. We got one for my uncle who was living very poorly (and again he wasn't short of money). Student Essentials - Home Starter, Kitchen Set, Bedding Pack, (Duvet, Bed Linen, Pillow) Kitchen Accessories for Home, Kitchen Appliance Set, Towel Set (Double, Navy & Navy) : Amazon.co.uk: Home & Kitchen

I can relate. Was your last house like this or is it worse since you moved? I strongly suspect I have ADHD. My DM also went a long time without buying a wardrobe, OP. ADHD goes with low self-esteem.

I don’t think this sounds “unreasonable” as such but it is unusual and a weird way to prioritise spending money. Did you grow up in a similar home?

Go and spend a couple of grand in Ikea and you’ll be sorted

Where do you sit and cuddle with him, or sit and read a book? Not at your desk or at the dining table? Do you sit on the floor??

You can buy a cheap IKEA sofa for £200 if the idea of spending £1000 is too daunting.

@11ds Make a small start. Buy 3 of these for your bedroom and clear the clothes: https://amzn.eu/d/030VbceA

Get this sofa or a similar one with storage:
https://www.ikea.com/gb/en/p/landskrona-3-seat-sofa-with-chaise-longue-gunnared-dark-grey-wood-s99272662/

Once you've done that find a cleaning company that will do a big clean and sort.

@Theweepywillow i think you have misunderstood. There is no rubbish on the floor to the extent that there is dirt.

he is too little to wonder why I don’t have a cheese grater or why I have one towel. He has all he needs and more. I do understand a lack of sofa will soon affect him though, which is why that is top of my list

I am not going to get drawn into a debate about whether it’s offensive to suggest ADHD in this case, but it’s pretty clear that OP is living with a very high level of executive dysfunction and crucially, whatever the cause there is help and treatment available to her.

@fedupandstuck we read his books in the playroom or on the chair in his bedroom

My room is like that. And the other bits get bad too. I keep my DC’s room nice but there’s a lot of stuff. Not sure what’s going on with me (have a thread about it) but I can sort of relate - it may be ADHD or just not believing you deserve nice things?

Or maybe looking for external “permission”? If so, I give you permission to go on dusk.com right now and buy what you need!

Buy some towels.

Another vote for ADHD (and, yes - I do have it myself)

My house isn't like this but my bedroom is an absolute tip. I think that maybe because I don't HAVE to keep that clean and tidy, I don't

@11ds maybe you could reframe your thinking of this - the whole of your house is your ds's space. Imagine in a few years time when he wants to have friends over - the least they would expect is a sofa and kitchen utensils

But other than that, I would recommend looking into some help you could get as well

Have your family/friends never asked why you don’t have a sofa?

OP I suggest you may have unresolved trauma. And something is blocking you having adequate or even nice spaces for you.
It's not lack of money. But you clearly judge yourself as not having worth.
I recommend you get the course 'take your house back' and work through it slowly.

What do you do when you have people over?

Things can get on top of you quite quickly, op. Whilst I'm terrible at keeping my bedroom tidy (really, it's like a dumping ground), I do think lacking things like a sofa/duvet is too much. Can't you start small? Just pop to IKEA with D's one day and pick three things? Or even just one? Start with the duvet and some sheets. Then the sofa etc. just one thing at a time.

My eldest ds is 4 and there is no way I'd be be able to keep him out my bedroom. At the moment, he bolts in and climbs over the boxes of old clothes or trips over slippers 🤦🏼‍♀️ I also love sitting with him on the sofa after nursery and having a chat or watching a movie together... It's a place to be social and connect. It may seem like just a sofa but it is more than that really.

I get so bored of people's reacting like this to the mention of ADHD on here. For the people at the back, it is ok to mention ADHD absolutely no one is on here diagnosing people. You're the only person on here who had taken offence, other people with ADHD are either not offended or are suggesting it themselves.

I'm a bit like you, and the people calling you lazy just don't understand. It's definitely not laziness. I am autistic but I think undiagnosed ADHD as well. I can leave a tissue on the floor for weeks, I know it needs to go on the bin but it's like my brain doesn't have the capacity to get me to pick it up. Only my children stop me from living in chaos, as I don't want them to think this is normal. But it is so so hard to fight against.

Aw this is so sad to read… it does sound like you are subconscious beating yourself up… and I wonder if there is some unresolved trauma…

Please do seek some therapy to help yourself.

It sounds like your whole perspective needs to change around spending money on YOU.

It is wonderful that you’ve saved £100,000! Well done. But now you can allow yourself £10k allocated on your living needs.
You can buy yourself a gorgeous, comfy sofa - you deserve it!

Download the John Lewis App - they have everything! And work through by department.
Enjoy treating yourself!

Oh how I wish I could take you shopping and help you ,you sound like a great mum who loves her child very much but you need to also love your self buy your self xx

But he will get wind of it. He isn't going to be little forever and will gradually explore the rest of the house. What are you going to do when he is older and wants to bring friends home? To a home with no sofa and a mother who takes things out of the oven with her sleeve!!! Sorry OP, but I don't know anyone who lives as you do, and it is definitely odd! You say the thought of spending money on yourself makes you panic, yet you buy nice make up and get your hair done so you are spending money on yourself. You need to sort yourself out, for your child if not for you. If you really can't do it then you need to seek help.

This crossed my mind. I worked in mental health and had a community role for around 5 years. Did a lot of home visits and the way some people managed (or didn't manage) their homes was often indicative of where they were with their recovery or could often be a clue that they were starting to struggle.

Google UA - underearners anonymous. There can be an addictive element to denying yourself things. Sounds mad but normally stems from childhood trauma.

I think that you have to reframe your thought process. It's weird for your DS never to come into your bedroom. One day, he will know that you neglected yourself and your own spaces in quite an extreme way. It's your responsibility to model self-care, and not just the care of others. He needs to be taught that when he's older, he deserves all the basics and more.
Also, he might feel tremendous guilt once he clocks your attitude of "I can't buy a sofa in case DS needs money one day." I'd feel awful if that was one of my parents.

Instead of doing it for you, do it for him. Treat yourself as kindly and generously as you want him to be treated when he's grown up.

You deserve oven gloves and a duvet cover. You should have a nice bedroom that makes you feel cozy and nice. You deserve a sofa where you can both snuggle up and watch movies together. You both deserve all these comforting things. You need to love yourself enough to sort it out as you are teaching someone very important to you how to love themselves.