To admit I live like this to see if anyone else does?

[11ds]

I keep this a secret. I don’t expect it to be common but I wonder if anyone else lives like this?

I have a nice home, I am a single parent to a toddler. I look totally normal to the outside world and dress well etc. I am clean. DS’s spaces are always clean and tidy. But the rest of my home is awful. My bedroom is littered with tissue and labels from clothes or empty toilet rolls. It’s cluttered. Boxes still unopened from when I moved a year ago. I don’t let ds see any of this.

I don’t have a sofa. I have no rugs or a wardrobe (ds has a wardrobe). I keep my clothes in a pile on the floor.

I don’t own proper cooking utensils or oven gloves. I just pick food from the oven with my sleeve. I don’t have a duvet cover. I have one tiny hand towel to dry body and hair.

these are just a few weird things. It’s not a money problem. I have 100k savings and earn 4.5k a month. I spend money on nice make up and will get my hair done or buy ds nice toys etc. I always think one day I will sort a wardrobe etc but I never get round to it. I never feel it’s justified as I’ve just got used to living like this.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me? I assume this isn’t common? Am I mentally unwell? I dare not share it with anyone IRL!

Is it like this, you’ve one hand towel, no duvet, no sofa?

Not the usual op although people do live like that. It does sound a bit unhappy for you and I hope you find a way to have a nice life for yourself as it sounds like you can afford it and you deserve that.

I suspect it's adhd. It's the overwhelm paralysis. You use all your 'energy' and abilities doing and providing for your son and working. You simply don't have enough left to do those things for yourself too. You become almost blind and immune to them in a daily basis. They don't matter. If you were able to obtain a formal diagnosis( realistically you'd have to pay due to crazy backlogs) you may well find meds and coaching life changing.
I don't think it's about self deprivation or anything like that I can well understand it's part of a pattern which exists within some forms of neuroduvergent people.

@wellington77 no he doesn’t have a sofa but I don’t think that matters? He has lots of toys. He has cutlery, what I mean by utensils is I don’t use a chopping board or cheese grater and things like that.

I would be like this if I didn't work at it. I get overwhelmed easily so even though throwing out rubbish and ordering a wardrobe, a sofa, an oven glove and some towels could easily fit into my day there is no way I could do it. My wardrobes are 10 years old and I still haven't put handles on them!

I just write down everything in my head and prioritise and do as and when I can.

What bothers you the most? I'd prioritise your son in this so get those things done first.

Maybe not offensive to you, and that's fair enough. It's offensive to me.

There are lots of reasons why OP might live like this.

I just get tired of the armchair psychologists on here diagnosing anyone and everyone with any sort of problem... with ADHD.

Of course it matters!

Try to reframe this in your mind and tell yourself you are getting the sofa for your son. The duvet so he can come into a nice bed for a cuddle. The kitchen stuff so that you will be able to bake with him. Etc. Do one thing every week or so until you have a nice home.

If I was prioritising for you it would be:
Kitchen utensils (health and safety)
Towels (hygiene)
Sofa (comfort)
Wardrobe (keep things clean)
Duvet cover (keep things clean)

I understand the money thing. I have trainers that are falling apart and can't bring myself to buy new ones, yet. But your DS needs you to set him an example of how to live.

It's strange. Surely he should be able to be in all common areas of the house.

you will be prepared to change this as soon as it affects your DS. For some reason you do not value yourself. Please get some therapy. Talk it over with someone, for you and DS

Do you maybe think you're not worthy spending money on, deep down?

Or is it more that if you wanted a sofa, you'd have to choose it and order it and get it delivered and what if you don't like it?! and it all gets a bit overwhelming?

Just the fact you talk about spending money on "myself" but aren't thinking about your child's needs is something to be concerned about.

your child deserves a pleasant home environment- even if you don't want to spend any money on yourself - do that child a favour and make sure they have everything they need, esp if you have £100K stashed away. You and your child only have one life.

@Theweepywillow why is that upsetting? Ds has a really lovely bedroom and playroom, I buy him all the best things. I am not concerned about him, he is very happy.

Do you feel like you don’t deserve nice things?

Do you not eat with your child?

Would you sort it out if you realised it's borderline neglect for your child to live in a house like this?

It does matter there is no sofa- why you ask: where do you socialise in the house apart from the bedroom where you can sit down ? You can ask his friends round as a toddler and older without a sofa can you. To me it sounds like you literally expect him to live his life in the house in his room, that is not healthy.

He will soon be big enough to get into all rooms of your house and to notice what the other spaces are like. He will soon enough want to have friends over for play dates - you need to get everything sorted out.

Given that you can order things easily online for home delivery and you have the money, I would write a list of items you need and order one a day. Include a duvet, oven gloves, sofa and wardrobe. If you can't decide which ones to buy, just get the first ones you can find that fit your budget or if necessary ask on here for people to help you choose. If choosing is the issue.

I think you know that you must have a reason for this inertia and panic when it comes to sorting things out. I think some kind of counselling or therapy to address it might be a good thing to start.

Have you ever thought about paying one of those people who gets rid of clutter to come and blitz your home?

And then when everything you don't need is gone you can sit down and work out what you do need. Sofa. Oven gloves. Set of towels. Duvet cover. And so on.

I think maybe you could also benefit from some therapy to try and figure out what makes you like this. You can give your house a makeover but until you figure out what's going on psychologically you won't be able to make any permanent changes.

Have you always been like this or is it a recent thing?

You have a son but it sounds like you're a single mum. Did you ever live with your son's dad?

You absolutely need to get a sofa if you have a lounge. This doesn’t sound important to you. But to most people (including your son possibly)
it’s really nice to have somewhere to completely relax on at the end of a day.

Only 1 towel? How often do you wash this?

I hope you have clean bedding and towels for your son.

please prioritise the above

Do you have a sense of self and know what you want and need for you?

Making sure things are ok for your child but not looking after yourself seems to be the problem.

Ignore posters who tell you to just get a grip, it’s not helpful.

Are you overwhelmed by decisions such as choosing a wardrobe but getting through the day to day by working, earning money and making things nice for your child?

@DecayedStrumpet I feel anxious spending the money in case ds needs it. And I also feel stressed about which one to choose etc. In an ideal world I would love an L shape one in mid grey. I just get overwhelmed looking :(

How do you prepare his food?

Genuine question no judgement from me, but if you don’t have a duvet or a sofa and your son is still in his cot, where do you cuddle your child?

Could you frame it that way to yourself, and buy a sofa and a duvet. He needs a healthy home and access to all areas of his own home really.

My bedroom is by far the messiest room in my otherwise very tidy house but what you describe isn't normal.

Could you write a lot and order ten things a week- you could have things delivered by the weekend. I'd start with:

• kitchen utensils
• oven gloves
• tea towels
• 2 large bath sheets
• 2 towels
• 2 hand towels
• 2 flannels

Then next week -

• bedding
• waste paper bin for upstairs
• some nice candles
• placemats for dining table

... ikea near me do delivery to Tesco now. Just do it now OP.

Sofa/wardrobe - FB market place and man with a van. Again, make it a priority.