To admit I live like this to see if anyone else does?

[11ds]

I keep this a secret. I don’t expect it to be common but I wonder if anyone else lives like this?

I have a nice home, I am a single parent to a toddler. I look totally normal to the outside world and dress well etc. I am clean. DS’s spaces are always clean and tidy. But the rest of my home is awful. My bedroom is littered with tissue and labels from clothes or empty toilet rolls. It’s cluttered. Boxes still unopened from when I moved a year ago. I don’t let ds see any of this.

I don’t have a sofa. I have no rugs or a wardrobe (ds has a wardrobe). I keep my clothes in a pile on the floor.

I don’t own proper cooking utensils or oven gloves. I just pick food from the oven with my sleeve. I don’t have a duvet cover. I have one tiny hand towel to dry body and hair.

these are just a few weird things. It’s not a money problem. I have 100k savings and earn 4.5k a month. I spend money on nice make up and will get my hair done or buy ds nice toys etc. I always think one day I will sort a wardrobe etc but I never get round to it. I never feel it’s justified as I’ve just got used to living like this.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me? I assume this isn’t common? Am I mentally unwell? I dare not share it with anyone IRL!

Just go on Amazon and type in the things you’ve listed here-towels, kitchen utensils, duvet covers etc. You could probably even get the sofa and wardrobe!
stuff will be here by the weekend and you can spend a day with your son getting things nice.

@timenowplease he doesn’t though. The house is very big. Each room he is in… bedroom, his bathroom, kitchen, playroom and dining room are all pleasant to be in.

My DF was and is a hoarder.
It sounds as if you're heading that way and I would really, really urge you to seek help now. It will escalate. It isn't fair on your child although they will love you whatever. But please get help. You will have a very difficult life and so will your DS otherwise.

I have ADHD. I don't live like this, but I do sometimes get overwhelmed and my house gets cluttered, and there are odd jobs that need doing, eg broken door on the hall cupboard. My colleagues would never believe that my house is like this

But you spend money on make up and your hair so what's the difference with buying a sofa or wardrobe? Where do you and your child sit if in the living room?

Can’t he walk? Or open doors? He will do soon. You can’t keep him out of rooms in his own house

Because it’s his home op. He can’t be banned from your bedroom and not able to use the living room. Have a mother who is primary carer who has one towel, clothes and rubbish all over the floor, no kitchen utensils. Growing up watching you live like this.

do your family know of your problems?

Your son will quickly grow up and will be out of the cot. What do you imagine your routine will be like when he is older? When he is aged 3 or 4?
Do you hope to sit and watch a film with him? Have family meals together? I guess you know you need to change things. Its not an overnight fix but you could definitely do with some help.
Could you ask family, friends to help you? I would aim to start with something like a wardrobe for yourself and maybe a chest of drawers? So that you can tackle the clothes on the floor? Then maybe some new bedding and accessories to make your bedroom more homely?
Maybe give yourself some dates to aim for? Buy a sofa by Christmas and make the lounge area cosy for you?
I think you will need help if you haven't achieved these things yourself.
If you can afford it then do it, you're investing in your son's home. He deserves a nice home and so do you OP. Spend the money on yourself.

Well no I missed that part. But tbh my en-suite is the least sorted place because no one will see it. Which I no is the wrong attitude but I’m too tired to deal with it at the end of the day.

OP Write a list and work your way through it. If money is no object (you said you are a high earner?) book a cleaner to help you maintain it and the start room by room to get it into a more livable state

OP - start small. Are you at home now and is your DS asleep? If so, could you grab a rubbish bag, go up to your bedroom, collect all the old toilet rolls, used tissues, clothes labels and things that are obviously rubbish, put them in the bag, dump the bag in the outside bin, and then come and report back to this thread? Surely can't take more than ten min or so to fill one bag, and we'll all give you a pat on the back. Because you deserve a nicer space. And your DS does too. Even if he's not coming into your bedroom now, he will be soon.

OP, it sounds as if you’re subconsciously trying to punish yourself. As if you can’t bear to think you deserve the basics in your personal space.

It could also be a manifestation of depression.

You have reached out on here, so that’s great. It’s an important first step.

Whole you’re reading responses now, why not seize the moment - go onto Amazon and just order some towels.

Also, I would book an appt with the GP whi will assess your MH.

if you can’t do this for yourself. do it for your son please. He might not have noticed yet, but it’s only a matter of time.

You can do this. it could be worse - at least you’re not a hoarder and at least your behaviour is limited to your room. Just keep talking - reach out to the GP and maybe get a therapist.

So your house is nothing like hers.

I think social services would think different, I work close to the sphere, if a kid told me what you have said, I would ring social services,

@wellington77 no, as I said the house is very big and there are multiple rooms that are finished and warm and homely.

Pp can answer herself but it’s because of your separating ‘his spaces’ and yours, I think. In many (most?) families there’s a degree of sharing all the spaces. It’s not so compartmentalised. My children are in and out my room all the time, have cuddles and stories in my bed sometimes, and have done since babies.

It’s great you’ve posted. I think that’s an important step. Why don’t you just buy something small to start - a towel set.

Is there anywhere for you two to sit together and have a cuddle apart from the floor and his bed?!

Are these responses helping you? Many posters are helping you in what you need to buy...will you buy these things? I know it feels difficult.

You keep mentioning money, but it doesn't take money to throw away loo rolls and labels. I think you need some counselling or mental help.

What exactly are they furnished with if you’ve no sofa?

and as your son grows how’s he going to feel seeing his mother with rubbish all over her floor.

clean it and call your doctor for an assessment, and go on Amazon and buy stuff now.

I have ADHD and don't find the suggestion of it in this situation offensive. Some of what you describe sounds like ADHD paralysis which can show up in different ways for different people, obviously. It sounds like your mental energy is gone on other things and you can't see a way to tackle this so you just don't start.

OP

I grew up in a messy run down farm house

Just built a brand new house
Earn around 6-7k a month

A few rooms are spotless

But my own room is bare
Few of clothes scattered around the house or on the towel rails

Don't have a oven mitt either
Not painted most rooms etc
Don't know if I ever will

I don't honestly see anything majorly wrong with what you have described
And bit by bit can you make lots of lovely changes

Just sharing xxxx

@JennyfromtheBlok ds doesn’t stay in one place long enough to need a sofa. I am aware he will want one soon though.

yes all his things are clean. This is what I don’t understand about myself. I even wash his jellycats religiously.

as for my towel, I simply wash it every two days.

But otherwise as he grows the state of the Ng s becomes the shameful secret he has to hide. He'll be too scared to have friends round in case they see it.

You might want to read Truly Madly Guilty by Lianne Moriarty (who wrote Big Little Lies). There is a good portrayal in that of a women who grows up with a mother who slips into hoarding and the effect it has on her.

Are you the poster who often posts worrying about paying off the mortgage early/as soon as possible on your home despite earning well?

If so I do feel like you could possibly use some help.

But if there's no sofa, where do you sit to have a cuddle together and read a book? Or watch some TV?

A home isn't compartmentalized rooms, it's a shared space