To admit I live like this to see if anyone else does?

[11ds]

I keep this a secret. I don’t expect it to be common but I wonder if anyone else lives like this?

I have a nice home, I am a single parent to a toddler. I look totally normal to the outside world and dress well etc. I am clean. DS’s spaces are always clean and tidy. But the rest of my home is awful. My bedroom is littered with tissue and labels from clothes or empty toilet rolls. It’s cluttered. Boxes still unopened from when I moved a year ago. I don’t let ds see any of this.

I don’t have a sofa. I have no rugs or a wardrobe (ds has a wardrobe). I keep my clothes in a pile on the floor.

I don’t own proper cooking utensils or oven gloves. I just pick food from the oven with my sleeve. I don’t have a duvet cover. I have one tiny hand towel to dry body and hair.

these are just a few weird things. It’s not a money problem. I have 100k savings and earn 4.5k a month. I spend money on nice make up and will get my hair done or buy ds nice toys etc. I always think one day I will sort a wardrobe etc but I never get round to it. I never feel it’s justified as I’ve just got used to living like this.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me? I assume this isn’t common? Am I mentally unwell? I dare not share it with anyone IRL!

If this is real then no, none of that is normal, and that should be obvious. You need to sort it out before your son is old enough to notice, and if you are capable of holding down a well paid job then you are capable of furnishing a house.

I’ve got ADHD.

you sound like me.

there’s a rather perky American woman with a decent YouTube page called “how to adhd”. It might be worth a look

Maybe you direct most of your energy to your child and work. When it comes to you there is little energy left?

I can see where you're coming from with the big ticket furniture items, especially if you have a big house to furnish. I would probably be guilty of putting off buying those until I saw something I really liked, as I wouldn't want to feel like I've made an expensive mistake. I'm guessing as you're a high earner, you probably work in an industry where people typically spend decent money on hair and clothes etc, so that feels like a more obvious necessity?

Certainly when I house shared in my twenties and early 30s, plenty of people had incredibly messy bedrooms, so that probably isn't too uncommon.

Having said that, there is something nice about the simple things like comfy cotton bedding with a decent thread count and nice towels. I was reusing worn out hand me downs from my Mum until a few years ago, when I decided to treat myself. Maybe start small with buying 2 sets of bedding/towels each for both you and your DS, so you have a spare for when one is in the wash?

Maybe take your son with you to a sofa shop to pick a sofa? Perhaps his interest with encourage you to buy one? I know my kids love soda shopping and trying out sofas!

Infact, go to oak furniture land or some place like that and pick a wardrobe and sofa while your there.

One day your child will be walking and will want to explore the house. So if you don't want your son seeing how you live, I think you need to sort it out soon.

Thank you for the posts. I am going to make it my aim to get a sofa this month. I have wanted one for ages as well as a new bed. I really don’t know why I deny myself things. Ds quite literally has all the best yet I can’t do that for me. His mattress was 400 and mine was 129! I just don’t seem to value things for myself

If spending a lot of money is part of the issue, can you look round a British Heart Foundation or Salvation Army second hand shop ? We have a huge one near us and the furniture is good quality, has safety labels and is a good price.

Agree with all the others, this is not normal, and is not really showing your son how women should be treated

@11ds Your DS must be a baby or toddler if he is still in a cot. Is his dad on the scene? Did you ever live together? When did you last live with another adult?

This is not laziness and it's sheer ignorance to suggest it.

Sounds pretty normal to me, I also don't have a sofa, and a limited amount of household items, what difference does it make as long as its what you want to do and how you want to live. I know many people who 'live normally' and they are extremely weird once you get past the thin veneer or normality they surround themselves with.

Good luck to you, your not hurting anyone, once it becomes important to you, I'm sure you will do something about it.

I think you're being given a hard time. No one else can know how you feel.

Can you employ someone to help you go through it?

If you're in the south of England I would happily help x

Any links to L shaped sofas would be very welcome

(thank you to the poster who sent one already x)

as I said the house is very big and there are multiple rooms that are finished and warm and homely

And your child won't be able to use any of the other rooms in his home - which is really sad for him. Part of having a nice secure home is having the freedom to access all parts of that home. Otherwise it won't feel like his home. He'll be living like a lodger.

£1k on a sofa will last you so so much longer than 5 lots of £200 on hair and make up. Think of it as investing in comfort for your son (and you) if it is easier to reframe it that way.

I feel for you, you sound mentally drained.

Take a day off work and go and find your dream bed. Lie on all the mattresses and find one you like. Get a bed frame which doesn't creak. If you get one of the frames with storage underneath where the whole mattress lifts up, you can keep your bed linen and towels in there and it might be easier to stop yourself from hoarding unrelated crap in there compared to having either drawers you pull out or an open space underneath.

Then buy yourself two sets of really lovely bedding.

I used to live a bit like this when I was single and living alone - no one else saw it. I wasn't like that when single and sharing a place with friends, or when my girlfriend was staying over regularly or since getting married etc. Given that you clearly do things for your son "normally", and that you maintain yourself as well presented to others generally, it could be maybe you need that external motivation to do things for other people or to ensure you are not judged negatively by other people.

If I saw how you lived behind the scenes, I would think, kindred spirit but we need to sort this out!

I wouldn't say this makes you "mentally ill" or "lazy" as I don't ascribe those labels to myself (well, lazy in a way... I am not lazy when my laziness would affect other people or cause them to do more work, but lazy when it comes to things just for myself that I don't think are essential or fun).

Is this an extreme case of mum guilt? Because I happily pull out £100 for garden toys but the thought of spending that on myself, well I couldn't.
So think of it this way, a nice, big comfortable sofa, nicely decorated lounge with you and DS cuddled up under large throws for a relaxing movie night. That's his benefit. As he gets older he'll like the odd night like this. School and running riot is tiring. He'll pick up 76 bugs in one term too, you'll need somewhere to lounge around together.
A wardrobe doesn't have to be expensive. A clothes rail and a set of drawers will do. It'll take less time to sort an outfit for yourself. More time with DS.
Boxes, clutter etc. Spend 10 minutes a day once little ones in bed sorting through it. Every little helps.
Towels, does DS have a few? Can you take one of his and buy him two new ones? You're not spending on yourself then.

When he's older he will want friends round. They'll find it strange if he has an empty lounge. Even if all other rooms are extravagant. He'll come bursting through your bedroom door too.

If you struggle to make the changes yourself then you'd probably need to consider reaching out for support. Whether that's practical from friends or family or a therapist. Because, I'm sorry, this isn't normal.

I have a son recently diagnosed with inattentive ADHD. Not on my radar. Then I read it was 80% genetic - but I never struggled at school, so couldn’t possibly be me.

Then I learnt more about it - I’m messy, I struggle to get basic tasks done at home (but very high achieving at work), like another poster said something will just stay lying on the floor for days (no other bugger will pick it up). I thought I was lazy (but will happily run 25 miles a week).

I haven’t read people critiquing the ADHD suggestions - I would have rolled my eyes too a mere month ago. But it does sound like you have that and executive dysfunction. Nobody will understand why you just don’t buy the sofa. But it’s a mental block.

I would read up about it. I have no interest in medication but it explains a bit more about why I am the way I am. Haven’t worked out any strategies yet to make me tidier and get stuff done. But I’m working on it.

Just do it op.

Were you not valued by your family? It can be an issue when you become an adult in that you don't think you deserve lovely things. That might explain why you can make things nice for your DC but not for yourself and you can spend money on being presentable to the outside world but not on being comfortable in your own home.

I really think you could benefit from some counselling to get to the bottom of this issue. Resolving it will ultimately benefit your child as when they get older they are going to see your bedroom and how you live and it's a good idea to sort it out before then.

You may feel a bit of shame as well for living how you do if your child and their friends see it.

Sad thread and I'd say I'm not alone in thinking the OP needs a kick up the backside to spend some of the substantial savings she has on making HER areas liveable, and getting the basics. But it's not that simple I'd imagine, all the suggestions and lecturing in the world won't change the OP until she acknowledges that something is wrong with her, whatever that is and she reaches out for some therapy and help.

I feel sorry for the baby. S/he is compartmentalised within this large house while Miss Havisham languishes amongst the bedroom detritus and has one towel and few kitchen implements, oh and no sofa.

I hope you approach someone for help OP.

Op it sounds extreme, I constantly have labels from clothes on the floor and piles of washing I haven’t put away (and probably never will) and our living room is covered in stuff. I only clean if someone is coming to visit because I’m lazy and I’m quite happy to live in mess, as is DH, but I have furniture and utensils and towels.

Not the sofa bit. But the hugely disorganised bedroom, having boxes/ no proper wardrobe sounds like my mam. She has a wardrobe now because the house she is renting had a built in wardrobe but she didn't in her previous houses. She also rarely if ever changes her sheets.

She used to drink too much.

Just another thought OP - have you ever lived with anyone who was controlling (maybe in childhood or more recently). Sometimes, people keep mess or chaos in certain areas as a kind of psychological defiance - eg. If you live with an extremely fussy person who always wanted things very precisely tidy or done in a certain way, then when you are in your own you just do the opposite because you can?

But, I agree with others that it sounds most probably like some form of depression and / or ADHD.

I think it's a bit sad that you and your DS live such separate lives that he never comes into "your spaces". Even if the house is so big that you've each got your own wing or whatever, why does he never (want to? feel able to?) come wandering into your room, or even into your bathroom? If you're a single parent and nobody is watching him while you shower he's either very self-sufficient, or he has on occasion come into the bathroom and seen the state of it. Unless you lock him out, which doesn't seem ideal if he's that little and there's no other adult in the house.
Agree with PPs that it sounds like a trauma response.