To admit I live like this to see if anyone else does?

[11ds]

I keep this a secret. I don’t expect it to be common but I wonder if anyone else lives like this?

I have a nice home, I am a single parent to a toddler. I look totally normal to the outside world and dress well etc. I am clean. DS’s spaces are always clean and tidy. But the rest of my home is awful. My bedroom is littered with tissue and labels from clothes or empty toilet rolls. It’s cluttered. Boxes still unopened from when I moved a year ago. I don’t let ds see any of this.

I don’t have a sofa. I have no rugs or a wardrobe (ds has a wardrobe). I keep my clothes in a pile on the floor.

I don’t own proper cooking utensils or oven gloves. I just pick food from the oven with my sleeve. I don’t have a duvet cover. I have one tiny hand towel to dry body and hair.

these are just a few weird things. It’s not a money problem. I have 100k savings and earn 4.5k a month. I spend money on nice make up and will get my hair done or buy ds nice toys etc. I always think one day I will sort a wardrobe etc but I never get round to it. I never feel it’s justified as I’ve just got used to living like this.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me? I assume this isn’t common? Am I mentally unwell? I dare not share it with anyone IRL!

@11ds would it
help if someone just sent you a list of things to buy? Are you overwhelmed by choice?

of course you need towels and a duvet and a sofa and a chopping board. These things are easily sourced.

I'd pay a professional to come in and sort - you mention not wanting to spend money on yourself but this is spending money, to help your mental health, which will benefit your child

I hope I am not projecting my own situation here too much but I do feel that the extreme house-proud nature of your parents might be at the root of some of your anxieties.

Growing up, I lived in a house in which 'orderliness' was very important. I never felt that my things were really mine but I was in charge of them and had to keep them neat and tidy. There was just a real feeling of stress around material goods and looking after the home to the required standard. In adulthood I live in clutter and procrastinate. To do otherwise causes me to panic and remember those fraught days.

I do not know if it might be similar for you? If you are anything like me, you have to learn to disconnect from childhood patterns. Whatever you buy is for you and your DS to enjoy together. You are not responsible to your parents any longer. They should have helped you to learn to cherish a home and its contents without getting uptight about it.

That is a start, so that is good.
I think that you deny yourself comfortable things that would help you (you alone) because deep down you think that you are unworthy. I am sure you are worthy, but it is what you yourself believe that matters and needs to be worked on.

Maybe you could seek out a high quality CBT therapist. It certainly helped me.
The fact that you know that the loo rolls and tasks are not being dealt with, shows that you know its not helpful.

I think some people are being harsh on you, though, but you are a good mum, obviously that is not the issue.

People can live like slobs without having a condition attached. It’s just very clear from the thinking patterns and behaviours described that there’slikely be something else going on here. Of course it’s not a diagnosis it’s an opinion (based on years of experience of the condition).
Sorry if that’s too difficult for you to grasp hun LOL. But you do you/ go live your best life/make memories etc

Sorry but this sounds ridiculous to me.

You have money so throw some of it at this problem, get therapy and furniture! You can get a cleaner in once a week, a gardener once a month.

Do this all before your baby is walking about the house etc whilst you still the time to do these things. Do it before your child thinks this is normal.

I grew up with no couches! There were two very austere Victorian chairs that each of my parents sat on, and I sat on the floor! We had no table or chairs in our terrace.
My mum is not very practical, and a bit of a hoarder, so that's how I grew up.
I'm not very tidy, but I love comfort, big soft couches, rugs, fluffy cushions etc.
Some people are really not interested in home comforts. I'd say you need several towels, big ones for bathing and hand ones, and spares to rotate them. But I do know that people's living standards can vary pretty massively.
If you are happy then no harm done, surely?

But you do value stuff like hair/clothes/make up for yourself? It’s not a case of not feeling worthy of spending money on yourself, because you do do that, and on far more frivolous things than a sofa or a bed.

But no one can diagnose on the internet with limited information.

some Folks on here love diagnosing people. Every single issue someone faces, adult or child, someone pipes up is it adhd or as. Now it doesn’t mean it isn’t, but good god, not every single thing people do is due to that and no one should be diagnosing anyone.

I don't have an oven glove at the moment, I use a teatowel. It's no biggie. As long as you have knives and forks I wouldn't worry about utensils. Obviously easier to grate cheese than slice but whatever.

You need some perspective op. Your home is lovely and large, ds's room and belongings all perfect. Your home isn't dirty.

You have a very messy bedroom and no sofa. I'm not sure why some are so horrified. Just order a sofa and a wardrobe at some point. It doesn't sound like you're a hoarder knee deep in clutter.

Have you thought about downsizing OP? It sounds like you have a very large house and are overwhelmed and sounds like you keep a kitchen, playroom, bedroom and bathroom clean and tidy for your son, why not just downsize to a house where all spaces are shared. Sounds like a fresh start could help too.

It is working for you at the moment having designated areas but honestly this is not what you want for your son as he gets older "forbidden spaces". Look after yourself, you'll be a better parent for it.

I'm Autistic , adhd and chronically ill and OK my house isn't exactly a show home but I have all the bits and bobs we need. I look like a train wreck , I don't get my hair done or buy fancy shit. You've 100k in the bank , spend some of it finding out why you are living like this and buy a bloody couch!

Some really harsh replies here! I can totally empathise with you OP. I was a single parent from the time my DS was two and would often struggle on with minimal equipment because I was too exhausted to make any decisions I didn't have to . How much support do you get with your toddler? Is his father involved? You sound very burned out to me and suspect you really need some space to rest. Look after yourself ❤️

Was going to also say getting a cleaner helped me. I work best under pressure so knowing she is coming forces me to do a big tidy up just before.

Of course people can’t diagnose on the internet hence me saying it’s not a diagnosis. It’s not every single issue though. It’s issues that chime with experience of the conditions. If people complain of feeling nauseous do people suggest ADHD? No.
If people complain of severe executive dysfunction then of course people will suggest it as a possible factor to be explored. That’s not «diagnosing » someone!

Seems a bit unusual and I imagine you don’t really need us to confirm that. I always like a patch of ‘mess’ in my home, sort of feels comforting although it makes Zero sense. I agree with those who are suggesting to just pay for someone to buy/build a wardrobe and then go from there. If you really hate it, then you can always get rid of it !

Hands up - I can be like this. My communal living areas are immaculate: hallway, living room, dining room, kitchen, downstairs toilet. Floors hoovered, swept and mopped daily etc Visit my home and you'll think I'm a neat freak with all my shit in order.

But, step upstairs, and you'll find it's like that moment in The Truman Show, where he pushes through the perfect blue sky backdrop to the real world behind.

My bedroom is a mess. Not just mess, but not clean either. Ditto my ensuite. Ensuite is actually probably a health hazard. I pour bleach down the toilet, but that's it. I have a duvet cover but I washed it 2months ago and still haven't put it back on the duvet. I do wash my pillow case once a week, as I find that manageable.

Kids bedrooms are clean, clean bedding etc and I hoover and dust, empty their bins etc. They're usually messy, but by their own doing (dropping clothes on floor instead of in laundry bin etc) but I'll collect those up once a week. Their bathroom isn't up to kim & aggy standards, but is clean enough. Again, there'll be clothes dropped in there too.

I honestly hate it and regularly vow to sort it out. It definitely affects my mood and contributes to my feeling of overwhelm.

I just find it hard to motivate myself to actually do it. One problem is that keeping on top of the main living areas takes a lot for me. I have a chronic health problem that means I'm usually exhausted and doing things like this tire me quickly. Another problem is that I have no help. When I have striven to make upstairs perfect, whereas i will try to stay on top of it, dh will drop his clothes on the floor and leave toothpaste in the sink and skids in the toilet. And then I feel defeated and give up on trying. It's not all him, but I definitely would find it easier to have a clean space if I was on my own.

I haven’t read the whole thread so sorry if duplicating. Have you thought about getting professional organisers in to help you? Dilly’s Dollies type of thing.

I had read all OP posts, but not the comments so apologies if I am repeating.

OP, I think you may have a form of PTSD, as I have a friend who I thought was posting this, except for a few details different.

Brought up by a single mum who had severe OCD. The amount of times my friend would come to school with the wrong shoes on, next time the incorrect jumper. And why, because she had left the shoes/jumper/lunch container/socks you name it, laying around. Her mother would pick up anything laying around, put them in a bin bag and she had until a certain time to claim it, if not, then the bag when into the main dustbin. They lived in a flat so the bins were communal, and often raided before she had time to salvage her items. If she had gone home, changed from school clothes and then gone out, and missed the bag dump curfew, she had lost those items. Her mother had a real problem, but it is just how they lived.

She moved out as soon as she could after school. But her house sounds like yours. Any area that someone would see, was immaculate. The guest bathroom, the towels were lined up perfectly and it was so bad she would go in after you and make sure it was perfect. If you got up off the sofa, she would puff the pillow so it was perfect. BUT, her room and her bathroom we were NEVER allowed to enter. One day she was really ill and I turned up unannounced to drop some things off for her. She was furious, and as she was unprepared, I was able to see into her bedroom. It was just chaos, and was like another part of her existed in there.

She has had quite a few MN problems through the years, but was diagnosed with PTSD. She too would spend so much money on personal grooming, always turned out immaculately. She married a much older man (as in 20 years her senior) he was a very patient man, but I think the attraction was that he was well established in life by then, and secure.

I don't think she will ever admit that her childhood was a factor here. She will tell you she had a very happy and normal childhood. It was normal for her though. I could see it wasn't being an outsider to the family.

OP you can try to help yourself and it seems like you have taken on board a lot of advise here. Make the first step and get the sofa. Baby steps going forward, perhaps next month buy a set of towels for your bathroom, or a kitchen appliance.

You are worth more than you think you are.

What you do with your bedroom is your business, if your happy with clothes on the floor etc so be it.
But i do think you need to be getting a sofa soon and some oven gloves, you could badly burn yourself.
Assuming your son has a towel??
You need to keep telling yourself it is not just a house, it is your home, yours to do with as you wish, break free of how you lived as a child, decorate, start small, get your sofas and some gorgeous cushions, maybe a fluffy throw for winter, scented candles for winter? nice and cosy, some lamps for soft lighting? I'd raid somewhere like B&M or Ikea. If you don't like duvet covers how about a coverless duvet? Just wash and dry it.

Are people not understanding the op. Thus isn’t what she’s like she doesn’t have basic furnishings and utensils.

I live like this and have ADHD.

Like you, I’m fortunate to not have to worry about money but I am just completely disorganised and in a constant state of chaos.

You say people, but have quoted me, so I'll answer.

Yes, I understood the post. I'm sharing my experience. She, like me, knows the standard of living in aspects of our homes isn't normal or socially acceptable, but we both have an inability or an inertia to change things.

It's really easy for people to go "well, step one, buy a sofa. Step two, get yourself an oven glove." Er, yes, literally everyone knows that is the normal, healthy thing to do. I know cleaning my bathroom is normal. Step one, clean the toothpaste off the sink. But I understand the feeling of being unable to compel yourself to fix these things.

But the point remains you don’t live like the op. She isn’t posting saying she’s living in a mess and that’s it, she’s explaining a much bigger issue. The woman doesn’t even have a sofa. She uses her sleeve to take stuff out the oven. It’s not remotely the same.