To admit I live like this to see if anyone else does?

[11ds]

I keep this a secret. I don’t expect it to be common but I wonder if anyone else lives like this?

I have a nice home, I am a single parent to a toddler. I look totally normal to the outside world and dress well etc. I am clean. DS’s spaces are always clean and tidy. But the rest of my home is awful. My bedroom is littered with tissue and labels from clothes or empty toilet rolls. It’s cluttered. Boxes still unopened from when I moved a year ago. I don’t let ds see any of this.

I don’t have a sofa. I have no rugs or a wardrobe (ds has a wardrobe). I keep my clothes in a pile on the floor.

I don’t own proper cooking utensils or oven gloves. I just pick food from the oven with my sleeve. I don’t have a duvet cover. I have one tiny hand towel to dry body and hair.

these are just a few weird things. It’s not a money problem. I have 100k savings and earn 4.5k a month. I spend money on nice make up and will get my hair done or buy ds nice toys etc. I always think one day I will sort a wardrobe etc but I never get round to it. I never feel it’s justified as I’ve just got used to living like this.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me? I assume this isn’t common? Am I mentally unwell? I dare not share it with anyone IRL!

She hasn’t claimed she lives like this because she’s short of cash. Why do some people struggle so much with thinking beyond their own experiences? Another poster said it can’t be ADHD because she has ADHD and doesn’t live like this

Just how are people so ignorant? It’s blowing my mind. There’s clearly an issue at play, here (in all likelihood ADHD) that’s causing the OP to act irrationally. It’s clearly not about finances! And what’s with the tedious hackneyed phrases 🤦🏽‍♀️. The critical thought ain’t critical thinking in this post.

So you have item number one on your To Do List - sofa for the living room. Great. I wouldn't worry about a cheese grater, I think I managed without one for years and as someone who has children in their 50s I still don't own over gloves I just use a teatowel.

So what would be number two on the list? Maybe a wardrobe so you can tidy your room for when your little one is moving about more? Or some nice bedding, nice for when little one wakes in the night and comes in for a cuddle.

Take it one step at a time and maybe don't think about this as spending money on you but spending money making a nice home for your little one. Good luck.

And multiple people have said they live like this when they clearly don’t remotely live like this, rhey are just messy, which is only part of the issue here, the op doesn’t even have basic furnishings, chucks her duvet rather than put a cover on It, but spunks hundreds and hundreds in clothes and make up.

OP if going shopping is the issue how about online? If you don't have anyone to shop with how about doing a shopping thread on here, pick a couple of sofas (or more) on line and then show us and we can help you choose?

I love how you’ve diagnosed ADHD. Didn’t realise you were qualified to make that diagnosis. And you talk about ignorance LOL

Why can’t people live like slobs without a condition or mental illness attached to it?

It sounded like a troll post to me so if you disagree feel free to move on babe.

Oh I like the look of that. I'm in my 70s and I am finding getting duvet covers on quite fiddly, don't know why but I might treat myself on one of these.

Thanks for posting it.

This is what I was going to say: either PTSD or ADHD. Get a life coach for a few months to help get you organised.

The idea of spending money on myself like that panics me and so I do nothing

Whether or not you have ADHD, this suggests to me an emotional issue going back to your childhood.
You are able to provide for other people - your son, guests, but not for yourself. Even doing hair and make-up is not for you, it is jut putting your face on to present yourself to the world, so other people are not uncomfortable with you - they don't see the real you, the one underneath who doesn't believe she is worthy of having decent towel.

I strongly suggest you find a counsellor to talk this through.

In the meantime, trick yourself into buying stuff by telling yourself it is for your son, e.g. he won't want mummy to have burnt hands, so mummy needs oven gloves. He might like to try grated cheese or grated carrot, so mummy needs to buy a grater for him. He might want to come into mummy's bed if he is feeling ill one night, so mummy's room needs a semi-clear floor and decent bedclothes.

@11ds the very fact that you have written this down is good. it means you realise that things are not right and have to change. you know that you can start with the basics. go out and buy a set of pots and next week go and buy a bale of towels. remember this is not just for you but also for your child's comfort.

Is there nobody you could ask for help with this? Friends or family, even a work colleague you get on with?

You don't even have to tell them the extent, just say you need to order a sofa but you're overwhelmed with the choice and can they help?

As for all the other bits - can you just do an Amazon order with some essentials? Cheese graters/oven gloves/towels are pretty standard and don't require much thought.

Op my advice is to do all the things you have listed DESPITE the anxiety...just say to yourself ..yep anxious feelings are here l acknowledge them..I accept them..... and now am carrying on ordering x and y.Make peace with the anxiety it is just an uncomfortable feeling...
Do the things you now you need to anyway...it works!

I agree with this. My bedroom is the worst room in the house, half decorated but then left as it needs various things done professionally and is too chaotic . I also sometimes struggle with big purchases as the amounts make me feel a bit sick and stressed. It’s stupid really as I fritter away money on smaller things. I think mothers often prioritise children so their own things are less nice, my own Mum definitely went without things to give us children nicer clothes, holidays etc.
Get a really good duvet that you don’t want to throw away , (think of all those duvets in landfill) and three sets of bedding (one on, one off, one in the wash is the thinking). Three bath towels, three hand towels etc. that’s the basic amount for one person. I would go to John Lewis either in person or online and buy all that in one go. Duvet, pillows, bedding, towels. You could get white cotton everything or get excited about colour.
I don’t have an oven glove either, I’ve always used tea towels. The kitchen basics include a grater, tea towels, a whisk, knives, a measuring jug and weighing scales, bowls of different sizes, serving spoons, a spatula, a couple of wooden spoons, baking dishes and a few cake tins.
A sofa and a bed are the biggest expenses , IKEA sofas are fine, I have one with loose covers that has lasted 10 years so far. A bed and decent mattress should last you decades, (at least the bed will, mattresses last at least 10 years) again IKEA mattresses are fine and good value. So think of these large things as something you won’t need to repurchase for many years, break down the cost into an annual amount in your head, that might make it seem less enormous.
If you get overwhelmed by choice, would a friend go to IKEA with you ? Narrow down the choices online before you go ?
I think that once you start making these choices for yourself it will get a bit easier. Add up all your hair costs annually, and think of that is relation to something like bedding. Simple white cotton bedding will be a lot cheaper than a few hair appointments. https://www.johnlewis.com/john-lewis-crisp-fresh-200-thread-count-egyptian-cotton-bedding/white/p5417600 The duvet cover is £40, another £16 -£20 for pillowcases. So under £200 for three sets, assuming you already have bottom sheets. £168 for three sets with standard pillowcases.
Towels - https://www.johnlewis.com/john-lewis-ultra-soft-cotton-towels/white/p5399715. Lots of colour choice, but white is easy if you are getting stressed about choosing. Roughly £60 for three hand towels and three bath. I would add three bath mats. £36 for three https://www.johnlewis.com/john-lewis-egyptian-cotton-bath-mat/white/p4839339 So £264 ish for all those things.
Spend a decent amount on a duvet, my dd has this one .https://www.johnlewis.com/earthkind-reclaimed-natural-down-duvet-10-5-tog/p5129545 But you may prefer a different type or a lower tog. The ones that button together are good to give options for all seasons.
Then all done apart from a few kitchen basics, and the mattress and sofa , all easy and well priced in IKEA.
Then you won’t need to think about it for ages, and can add small things when you need them.
This ikea sofa would be your most expensive purchase, a mattress would be a few hundred pounds .

By the sounds of it Op

You have completely isolated you and your son from the outside world

when does he start school?

And on salon visits and make-up. Basically, things other will people 'see'.

I'd care about my home before I cared about anything like that.

In that case, think of buying the sofa as buying it for your son. He won’t be a toddler forever and play dates loom. Having a sofa in your home helps that home to be warm and welcoming for those who live in it and visit it.

@11ds please ignore all of the references around neglect for your child. You've explained multiple times and it is pulling the thread away from the main issue which is the inability to buy nice things for yourself. There is a deeper issue around it all and it's not as simple as posters say to just go and buy it. But it's so brilliant that you've recognised that you have a problem and I sounds like you'd like to work on it.

I was/still am the same whereby I find it terrifying spending money on certain things. I can spend hours agonising over a food shop and which is the best bargain and I find it extremely difficult going to a cafe and spending money on a nice lunch. Same with getting my hair done or a massage or something to help me relax, it's an agonizing decision. However I can spend money on other people, sometimes into the thousands. Through some hard work I am much better now - I still struggle, but it doesn't impact me the majority of the time.

It has taken me a long time but the three things that helped me overcome this were 1. identifying some of the reasons so I could be kinder to myself and work on resolving that 2. Gently feeling the fear and doing it anyway, in small steps and 3. Getting some support/outsourcing. You also don't have to get better straight away but the more you practice the easier it will be.

Firstly I would absolutely reinforce and concentrate on how life would be like when you're better, even just in some areas. Imagine having a lovely shower and wrapping yourself in a lovely warm soft towel. Image sinking into a lovely sofa and relaxing. Think about how much you want to change and use that as your goal. Don't reinforce any thoughts that you can continue to make do, focus on the end goal and keep reminding yourself of that.

For 1. Understanding: can you get some therapy? I'd treat this in the same way as getting your hair done. If you can't do that, can you do a bit of self help? Can you try and work out why this has happened? Mine is down to a difficult childhood with money and fear of losing my childhood home and parents, and also having to share things with a twin. It's not my fault, and I can't change the past, but I can change the future.

1. Make a small list of things you'd like to change and do one thing. You've already got that list - sofa and towel. Why don't you start with the towel - you can get that along with the weekly shopping. You don't have to run out and buy it now, but put it on the shopping list and go down the homeward isle and just put it in the basket. Don't think about it, it doesn't have to be perfect. Try and recognise in advance what is stopping you - is it that you can't choose a colour or worry about getting the wrong thing? In that case you can always go back and get another one - most people have several towels. But one towel or the wrong size or wrong colour is better than no towel. Is about starting the process. Try and write down what you're feeling so you can challenge it and be aware of what might stop you in the future.

1. Can friends or family help? Can you sit down with someone and have a nice cuppa and choose a couple that you like, and the give them the power to purchase it for you? Regarding the sofa, can you try and think why you can't do it, and then find ways to overcome those? E.g. if it's because there is too much choice (this is what I struggle with) then limit yourself to only grey sofas. If you still can't choose, limit yourself to one shop, or ones you see on the shopping suggestions on Google. Most are home delivery. If it's the money, then I try and justify things in other ways, e.g. I didn't go out this week so I saved £20, so I'm not out of pocket. Or in lockdown I didn't go ok holiday, so I'm still £500 up. Anything to help lessen the anxiety. Again, any sofa is better than no sofa and you can always change it in the future, but it's about starting and making some progress. Give yourself an hour to choose one.

Remember also that it is hard making changes and if you slip up that's ok. But try and challenge this and identify why you slipped up. You do have to be a bit hard on yourself sometimes. If it helps you could use your son as encouragement, e.g. he will need a sofa by time time he is X months old, so that is your deadline.

OP I have a history of living a bit like this too. I believe it’s down to some kind of undiagnosed neurodivergence. My sister is similar. We were brought up like it too. It’s clear that our parents are both autistic, and one probably has ADHD too.

I try my best to stay on top of things as I was so stressed out and embarrassed by the chaos in my childhood home. However the rooms in my house that guests don’t see are definitely not “normal”.

If it’s bothering you get a bit of paper and write “Things I’d like and I can easily afford”.
Walk around and list it all out, a wardrobe, cooking utensils, a sofa etc. Then just go online and order some stuff.
Book a day or two off work when it arrives having fun getting organised and making your home how you want it.

But in the other hand, it’s your home, it’s your life. You’re not doing anyone any harm how you’re living. If you’re happy, then you do you. We all have our own weird habits and ways of doing things.

Deep down though, you might have some things to resolve regarding spending money and valuing your own wants and needs.

Your issue is that you're afraid of spending money on necessities. That's the issue. It's probably from some childhood or upbringing experience. No matter how much money you have in your account, you won't be able to spend it somehow. I heard somewhere that this pattern is difficult to break. Search for something like Chrometophobia. This may be an extreme example, but it may give you new insight.

Ok so one small step forward you can do...

Go on Amazon or wherever and buy an oven glove. Will take you thirty seconds and no effort.

I am glad you have decided to get a sofa this month.
I am similar to you in that I can get overwhelmed by having to buy things and spending money and so on and I feel like I don't really need these things (in my case it's mainly clothes that are the issue).
I have found that making a list of things I need and allocating to them to different months really helps me. For example in July I need to buy new jeans and some T-shirts for a holiday coming up. In June I dealt with socks and underwear.

The same goes for household items which might need to be replaced - I allocate them to a month (I have a day-per-page diary to write in) and it really does help me to deal with it.

As for the money thing - if you are very anxious about spending money on stuff for you which you may need for your son, perhaps you could open a small savings account for you and put a certain amount of money in it each month so that it builds up and you can use that money to buy some of the things you need.
You seem to earn quite a lot but you are still anxious about spending for some reason - I am the same and I think it stems from my parents not having much money and seeing my mother constantly counting cash in an envelope (Dad was paid in cash and that's how much we had to last the month).

Or another thing you could do is take ca. 5K out of your savings account and put it in your current account and then use it to buy everything you need in one go. The savings take a small hit 5K out of 100K is not a lot but it's all one go so will possibly make you feel less anxious than if you take it out and dribs and drabs (this has helped me on occasion). And perhaps you take a week of your holiday allocation to just buy the stuff you need. You need a wardrobe. You need kitchen stuff.
Can you not just go to Ikea and get all the stuff for the kitchen you need there? Then get some towels and duvet covers or new blankets or whatever it is you want.

I think this stems back to a time when you were made to feel not good enough.
your son has his needs met.
you, on the face of it have your needs met - you ‘look’ the part but, when it comes to things that make you feel comfortable it’s as if you feel it’s too much.
you mention you are a single parent - could you be denying yourself because the life you thought you had hasn’t worked out?

Its ok to buy things that make you comfortable even if you don’t believe it right now - all the posters saying your child needs this - YOU need this and you’re as important as him.

Maybe as a step towards it (although I appreciate money isn’t the issue) is to be some of the things you need secondhand and get used to them before buying ‘big’- but really for hygiene and general comfort you need some new bedding and some towels, again I know it isn’t financial but maybe if you didn’t buy something else maybe a bottle of wine when you were shopping (not suggesting you buy wine just thinking of a luxury you might buy) you could justify it in your mind to buy a duvet cover or some tea towels.
I don’t think you’re alone in how you feel I think yours is an extreme that lots of people don’t get to, I for example buy most stuff secondhand purely because I’ve never had a lot of new to me stuff even as a child but, for my adult sons they had new stuff and I took great pride in walking out of next with the carrier bags !!

I really hope you can realise your worth and I hope you update this thread at a point in the future to tell us x

Set a budget for the house. 5k should be enough.
Buy yourself a wardrobe, so you can care for your clothing. It will save you money.
A bin for the rubbish on the floor, just aim for something small, and tell yourself no make till you do it.
The sofa I think you need so you can have us time with your child and friends.
Oven gloves will save your clothing , cheaper than a new jumper.
Maybe you can sort some kitchen items if you plan new meals.
Remember only 5k . So yo know you can afford it.

After all he will want friends round soon.