At loggerheads over dog

[Nate757]

My wife (24f) is a stay at home mum of our daughter (1f) and is struggling with her mental health, especially since I (28m) have started to work away from home about 50% of the time and will be abroad 7-10 days at a time. She loves staying at home with our daughter, but is feeling isolated a she recently moved away from family and friends for my job, she is depressed and due to something that happened in her past, struggles with extreme anxiety being alone in the house at night (she is going to therapy).

She really wants to get a dog, which I am definitely open to. I really would prefer a smaller breed, but she has her heart set on a a Saint Bernard as she grew up with one and adores them. Against my own wishes I agreed on the condition she pays entirely for its food maintenance out of her own money (she has her own little business she makes a couple hundred pounds from every month). My wife was absolutely ecstatic, picked out a puppy she wanted and last week we went to go and collect it. The puppies were adorable, but when I met the mum and saw how big she was I got cold feet, pulled my wife aside and told her I'd changed my mind. So we went home without the puppy.

She initially took it better than I expected and left the breeder's without a row but in the days after her mental health has deteriorated further and I'd be a fool to not see that this is causing major resentment in our marriage.

I feel like such an AH and know I've really hurt my wife by literally pulling out when she had the puppy of her dreams in her arms. I'm just not a fan of big dogs and don't want to live with one. I'm still happy to get a small dog, but my wife says she wants a breed she knows and loves, and a big dog would help her feel safer when she's alone. She doesn't want to comprise.

Am I being unreasonable?

Okay so perhaps controversially I do think YABU about the breed and I think your wife has done her research here.

In some ways a st is a better choice than a lab, mainly because someone of the low exersise requirements. They also sleep a lot of the day so not as full on as a working type dog. Having owned both giants and German shepherds as mentioned previously, a giant is way better suited to a family with limited time for exercise due to having small kids and is much easier to live with. Mine used to sleep most of the day so we’re less in the way than a busy dog. They are also generally really friendly and good with children. I also found they made it really easy to talk to and meet people because they were such a conversation topic.

I think you’ve been quite cruel to be honest. I think everyone should be allowed to have something to enjoy and if that’s your wife’s ‘thing’ then why deny her it out of spite? A dogs a dog regardless.

Ignoring all the stuff about the size of the dog, your insistence on wife agreeing to finance the cost of the dog out of her tiny income when she is a SAHM is paving the way for a lifetime of financial abuse for her. FGS it's not 1952 any more. Grow up. She's left alone half the time whilst you're away working. I feel so sorry for her - she's been set up for a shit life and you're frothing about the dog size? Ugh. Poor wife and your daughter is going to grow up being exposed to this crap dynamic. Double ugh.

I don't think its spite.

I am a my chosen breed or nothing person but I have had to accept that I can no longer give a dog of "my" breed the life it is entitled to so I am at nothing. There is nothing to suggest that this lady has ever had "her" breed as an adult person and so its different from your own circs. She has never been the adult responsible for the care and raising of a puppy from what we have been told. No one is saying she should never have "her" breed, just that its not a good idea now snd likely to make it harder for her to cope, not easier.

Did you have a child and anxiety issues?

@Nate757 From your OP and subsequent updates I just don’t think you are very nice.

In my opinion, you come across as if you think you are some sort of hero for working away and working hard.

You referred to your wife having a “little business”. It’s not a “little business”. It’s a “small business” and yes, there is a BIG difference.

This woman has a 1 year old, runs a business, a home, life admin and everything else in between. And is alone most of the time.

This woman has anxiety. This woman is struggling.

For someone who thinks so highly of themselves, I find it hard to believe it took looking at a puppy to realise how big the requested dog would be.

Taking your wife, to pick a puppy and change your mind was a dick move.

Telling your wife who is enabling you to work away and do your job that she has to fund the none existent dog from her “little business” is an even bigger dick move.

Who do you think you are? Her parent or her partner. Fuck that.

In the village where we live we have 3 St Bernard’s that live here, 2 male, 1 female. The males are big but the female is actually smaller than my golden retriever (f) honestly it is the smallest one I’ve ever seen. All of them are beautiful dogs with the nicest natures. If your home is big enough for a dog of that size then I wouldn’t hesitate to get one. My partner said our dog was too big before we got her because she was very full on and bouncy but now he realises he just wasn’t used to her and I was right to persuade (ignore!) him.

100% this.

She even showed him the breed IRL, he saw them how big they are and he still let things go ahead because he couldn't bother to pay attention properly. He let her think she was getting a puppy then said the dogs she had already previously showed him IRL was to big. He's been a complete shit to her over this. I don't think it was necessarily purposeful, but it shows clearly he didn't care enough to pay attention to something that is really important to her.

@Nate757 so how are you planning to support your wife? This doesn't require you to quit your job, you can do both you know. What about her going to stay with family more? Not that that would be up to you, but you could suggest it and support her to do so if she wants to. What are you doing to make up for the shitty way you behaved both over the money and the puppy? Have you apologised for letting things go that way when she'd already shown you the dog IRL? Have you acknowledged you fucked up and asked her how else you could support her? Have you considered bigger breeds and actually listened to your wife on this and discussed it together or just told her nothing bigger than a lab and use your own money like she's a teen who has no idea what she'd be getting herself in for? So far it looks like you've done nothing to make up for your massive fuck up and you haven't tried to support her though this or find other breeds or other things that could give her the support you can't.

Surely there must be some middle ground here - a smaller breed that she'd agree to as a compromise?

But he did pay attention. He said no and she kept at him till he felt as if he couldn't say no. I'm sure the word no had to claw its way out of his throat when he got to the breeder. He clearly loves his dw, he's just a dope and a wet lettuce.

No he didn't, he said himself he didn't.
I will hold my hands up and say my wife did take me to a local dog show beforehand to meet some. It just didn't quite hit me until it came to actually taking one home with us.. He saw how big they were, said ok, let her pick out a puppy, start to feel a bit better mentally and then changed his mind and now his wife's struggling more and instead of asking for help to help her or talking to her about how else he can help he's going on about how he can't possibly quit his job like that's what was meant.

I can see why looking at giant breeds at a dog show is totally different to seeing them in a house presumably the dog show was in a big hall or outdoors so you don’t see the size as much as when you see them in a normal home standing next to the settee .

Yes youre right, and im sure seeing a dog at a show(well-trained and beautifully groomed) was quite different than seeing a big shaggy slobbery mum up close. 95% of his replies were about what a pos he is. He's even defended dw at every turn to the few pp saying she wants it like its a new handbag.
Of course he was defensive about his job when that was a big focus of the posts. If he wasn't working and paying the bills, everyone would say what a lazy bastard he is. He's said hes willing to take any dog that's a bit smaller. The solution to a MH crisis is not having a horse in the house with a small child. He's created a very bad situation, but the pile on has been a bit much for a guy that WAS asking what he could do for his dw to fix all this before he got buried.

I wasn't happy after seeing how large they were at the dog show, but I felt under so much pressure to give my wife what she wanted because I know it's my job that's brought her so down. But seeing them in an enclosed indoor space vs outdoors at a show ground gave me even more context for how large a presence it would actually be in our space and I couldn't go along with it anymore.

I explained why I couldn't just quit my job as I had 100+ people telling me to just change my job to something with more family friendly hours, which is what I would like to do if an opportunity ever becomes possible.

Of course I have asked her what else I can do to help, and the response I get is "the only thing I'm asking you for is the dog".

I KNOW I've massively fucked up. I know backing out at the breeders was cruel but it wasn't deliberate, I really want to make my wife happy and sort out our issues long term.. I just really don't want a St Bernard.

As you're not there 50% of the time why not just let her get the dog. She's going to do all the hard work.

If this would make her mental health better isn't it worth considering? It was cruel backing out at the breeders, at least you've acknowledged that.

Tbh you might be better off divorcing. She gets the dog; you don't want a dog so you won't have one, she can move wherever her family is and get practical support and you can see your kids when you're home from working away same as now.

Oh ffs this is getting ridiculous now

I also want to add my concern is not that my wife wouldn't be capable of looking after the dog as some people have speculated will happen. She has raised a dog from a puppy in the past, so I trust she knows what work it entails. She is responsible and loving and plans to go to training classes (which of course I would contribute to). It won't be a fix all to her problems, but I want to give it a go even if it just helps lift her mood - but I just want it to be a breed we're BOTH happy with

Don't be ridiculous. My wife and I love each other, and we have a daughter together. Of course we have our ups and downs like everyone, but we are a happy family when I'm not away at work. It's the time I'm away at work, when my wife is essentially a part-time single mum, that she struggles. Do you honestly think my wife would be better off as a divorced full time single mum, losing her family and living with her parents?

I do yes. She wouldn’t be losing her family, she’d be losing you.

Does she ask a lot?
because she’s telling you there’s one thing…
So You’re putting ’not having a st Bernard’ above helping her feel better.

And to reframe this bit- Do you honestly think my wife would be better off as a divorced full time single mum, losing her family and living with her parents?

Do you think living with her parents would massively ease her mental health, her finances, her loneliness and anxiety? Reduce the domestic load? Would she be living somewhere where she has more friends?

All she has to lose is you. She has lots to gain.

If you lose her, in contrast- you lose your housekeeper, childminder, access to your daughter and her.