At loggerheads over dog

[Nate757]

My wife (24f) is a stay at home mum of our daughter (1f) and is struggling with her mental health, especially since I (28m) have started to work away from home about 50% of the time and will be abroad 7-10 days at a time. She loves staying at home with our daughter, but is feeling isolated a she recently moved away from family and friends for my job, she is depressed and due to something that happened in her past, struggles with extreme anxiety being alone in the house at night (she is going to therapy).

She really wants to get a dog, which I am definitely open to. I really would prefer a smaller breed, but she has her heart set on a a Saint Bernard as she grew up with one and adores them. Against my own wishes I agreed on the condition she pays entirely for its food maintenance out of her own money (she has her own little business she makes a couple hundred pounds from every month). My wife was absolutely ecstatic, picked out a puppy she wanted and last week we went to go and collect it. The puppies were adorable, but when I met the mum and saw how big she was I got cold feet, pulled my wife aside and told her I'd changed my mind. So we went home without the puppy.

She initially took it better than I expected and left the breeder's without a row but in the days after her mental health has deteriorated further and I'd be a fool to not see that this is causing major resentment in our marriage.

I feel like such an AH and know I've really hurt my wife by literally pulling out when she had the puppy of her dreams in her arms. I'm just not a fan of big dogs and don't want to live with one. I'm still happy to get a small dog, but my wife says she wants a breed she knows and loves, and a big dog would help her feel safer when she's alone. She doesn't want to comprise.

Am I being unreasonable?

No. I think this is actually about control. You want to be the boss in choosing the dog. Your wife has made it clear. She wants a St Bernard. In other circumstances I'd be with you. That breed is way too big for me. BUT you don't say I don't want this breed because you live in a flat, have no garden, are on the breadline etc etc. Deep down this is you being in charge. Let this woman have the dog. I think she deserves it.

I think your title is misleading, because you are minimising the effects of your behaviour.
You get your own way on everything, you've started being financially controlling on top of everything else, and its likely that all the demands you have made have contributed to her poor mental health.

If you really want help, listen to the advice. Respect her business, have joint finances, speak to her about the dog issue rather than telling her what will happen after discussing her like a child with other women. See her as your equal rather than a supporting role in your life. In your situation I would suggest her moving closer to family for support. I'd likely agree to the dog too, in your opinion she is a responsible dog owner so let her have her 'thing' because she has sacrificed a lot for you.

I do also agree that in the current situation you have put her in, she would be better off divorced. She could move closer to family and eventually meet someone that loves, supports and respects her.

Amen to this.

But your against a saint for no good reason other than it’s big. You’ve not given any other compelling arguments other than that. If you live in a 1 bed flat fair enough but you haven’t said that.

Presumably your wife is adult enough to decide whether she can manage a big dog or not. Shes not stupid, she’s had one before. Shes done her research. There’s lots of pros to giant breeds that you’ve ignored but your wife presumably has not. She has experience, you don’t.

This smacks of control. Can’t control that she wants a dog so I’ll control which type instead.

I actually still cannot believe that you drove that woman to choose a puppy and changed your mind. JFC.

Honestly, why did you bother getting a wife? Did it not occur to you to listen to what she is telling you?

Did you just think ‘she’s wrong, I’m right, it’ll be fine’?

The fact she came away without that puppy tells me she’s in a seriously bad way. I’d have laughed and said, ‘Sorry, too late love!’.

She’s used to pandering to you, putting what you say first. She’s so used to prioritising you, she left without her puppy.

If a child was reaching for an ice cream and you took it off them, you’d expect a meltdown. If you don’t get one, you’d worry.

She’ll check out. She’ll give up on you. And you can’t reverse that.

Labradors need a lot of exercise. Saints don't. They are happy plodding down a path for ten minutes then back home. Not required to do lots of exercise. I would be absolutely exhausted having small DC looking after high maintenance dogs like collies and labs! No thanks

I still think its a shame she is unable to have her preferred breed BUT in the interest of everyone getting something they are comfortable with and moving on with life, it's probably a compromise to find a mid size dog who your wife can love and who will fit the bill for everyone.

This. We have a giant. Hes great, super friendly, sleeps all day. No bouncing around the house or other silly behaviour. Happy enough for a 20min walk or an hour, doesn’t matter. If the kids are sick and we miss a day it’s no problem.
Quiet, friendly to everyone. Big enough to make me feel safe as a visual deterrent. No guarding instincts so I don’t worry about visitors or friendly.

It’s also nice having a ‘rare’ dog as I’ve made so many friends within the breed. I go to meets and shows, allsorts.

Yet apparently a working breed that needs hours of stimulation with young kids is always seen as a better choice 🤷‍♀️

You are never bloody there - let her get the dog she wants. Not to mention how cruel it was to change your mind. Change it back quick. She will just resent you.

You clearly aren't going to change your job or anything on your end to make her life easier/help her mental health. So if you don't let her get the dog she wanted things will just get worse for her and your relationship will inevitably fall apart when she falls apart. Selfishly - letting her get the dog is the smallest compromise on your part given that the job is non negatioable, think of it like that.

And I agree it is pretty financially abusive to make her pay for it when she is providing full time childcare for YOUR child.

It really isn't like that🙄 that's why it's called a movie. Not real life.

Mine just lies around. Sleeps loads, hardly barks at all. Not any messier than a Lab. Grooming isn't needed more than once a week if done thoroughly.

Agree with everything here 🙌 thank you for painting it as it really is.

These types of dogs are great for families. Low maintenance unlike a Lab in my street who is constantly barking and needing lots of exercise daily - my dog is the polar opposite. Thank goodness.

Getting a dog with a 1 Yr old is ambitious in itself
Who's going to train it?

I do understand the appeal of SBs. They have nice temperaments, are low energy and from my research (which I have done!), are good family dogs. My issues are these - I have always felt ill at ease around big dogs. I don't know what it is, but I can't relax around them. I'm nervous at the idea of having a dog for the next ten years whose presence stresses me out. My wife has a lot of anxiety over cleanliness, I think something she picked up from having a very chaotic childhood. This has recently gotten worse since our daughter has started to crawl. JRTs you can just pick up and put in the bath is they get mucky, SBs it's not so easy and I'm worried that the reality of living with mud/drool/hair would add to her stress. I'm also worried about the practicalities of being able to take it out with us, and I don't want it to lead to her being more tied to the house.

You always make sure you visit adult sized dogs before looking at puppies that way you get an idea of their size in adulthood.

We made sure to check out adult giant breeds before even buying a puppy.

My female Saint is 60kgs, very tiny for a Saint. She's an adult now and won't get any bigger than this.

The males are HUGE however. So a compromise could be your wife choosing a bitch.

OP, if you get the dog from a puppy then you aren't getting a big dog right away. You won't notice the puppy growing day by day so by the time you have the big dog it'll be via stealth. However, I take other PPs points about care of the dog when its elderly. We used to have greyhounds and when time came when they were old and needed lifted up/down stairs I couldn't manage it, and they were on average 30kg. Even so, there are ways to manage this, eg, train the dog from an early age to be used to a ramp to get in/out of the care, etc. Personally, I wouldn't want a JRT. Lovely dogs but I was bitten by one as a child and I've known some right nippy little tykes over the years.

I have two jacks -they are very cranky dogs and suffer from small dog syndrome. I wouldn't have children around my current two are old and set in their ways. I would actually suggest that the two of you go to a shelter or rescue and talk to the people there, explain both sides of your situation, what you both expect and constraints. They are the ones that know each dog. Just because you know a breed each dog though is completely different. Lurchers and Greyhounds are one that make great family pets , gentle and dont need much exercises. Small dogs can be yappy and cranky. Every dog is different and itis like having another child. I wouldn't be in favor of getting a puppy - they are hard work . I actually read last week that70 per cent pf dogs in shelters are less than 2 years old as so many being surrendered after getting as a pupppy

You can’t pick a JRT up for a bath if it snaps at you.

My friend had to have her elderly JRTs pts after they snapped at her toddler’s face. Shouldn’t have happened but it did.

I KNOW I've massively fucked up. I know backing out at the breeders was cruel but it wasn't deliberate, I really want to make my wife happy and sort out our issues long term.. I just really don't want a St Bernard.

Don't worry about that part too much OP, she may have known you'd back out after not being keen in the first place. I worked with someone who took his wife and kids to a rescue centre to finally get a dog that they were pestering for all their young lives (he's not a dog person obviously), he got to the gates, then turned around and came home again, he said he just couldn't go through with it! They never did get a family dog, but his children are all adults with families of their own and every one of them has got at least one dog now!

Have you talked about it with your wife since at all?

I’m amazed 42% think YANBU!!

You’re an asshat.

You agree to get the dog. You knew how big they were. You waited until you were collecting the puppy before you changed your mind. Did you worry about what the breeder would do with your discarded puppy?

How much do you earn compared to your wife? What proportion of her salary is the food going to be compared to yours?

She moved for your job. She gave up her support network for you. She needs support but doesn’t have it because she wanted to accommodate you.

You’re buggering off for potentially more than half the month leaving her to raise your child. How much parenting do you do and how much will you do? Will you expect the house to be sparkling clean and tidy for your gracious return? If you wanted her to pay for the dog food, how do you split finances? Does she have plenty of funds to go to groups, go for coffee etc so she can leave the house and speak to an adult other than her husband?

This is not about the dog.

She has nothing to lose by leaving you other than a cruel and controlling husband. Your work isn’t compatible with having children so your dd would live primarily with her, she would most likely get more than 50% of your shared assets including pension, she will get child maintenance, she can move back closer to her support network without having to live with her parents, she can get the dog she wants. She will gain freedom and money and lose an abusive dick. It’s a no-brainer really. Don’t know why you think she’s happy with you, everything you gave said so far shows the opposite.

Also, you saying no to a SB but saying you’ll compromise and get a JRT isn’t a compromise, that’s you being controlling again. It’s as if your DW needs a new coat but you say no, I don’t like it let’s compromise on a pair of gloves instead.

You seriously need therapy.

I feel very ill at ease around large dogs, not Saint Bernards though. As for little dogs our big dog was way more child and family friendly then the little one. I always had to direct kids away from her to pat the big gentle calm one. Terriers and JRT especially can be snappy anf barky and not very kid friendly.

Realistically how much of the next 10 years are you going to be at home for? 50%? She feels ill at ease being alone, she feels that way all the time you're gone, really think on that how that must be for her. She is going through a lot, for you. You're still putting your ill at ease before hers. If you hadn't done things the way you did there might have been other options but now she's fixating on this as the only solution or at least the only one that she feels she can achieve. I honestly don't know if I was in her shoes if I could forgive what you've done. Especially with the way you're not willing to prioritise her needs for a change. I can't say if a big dog is actually what she needs, I think a lot of your reasons are valid, buf because of how you acted you're long past the point of logical discussion. She got her hopes up over this and it can really smash you down when the hope you're desperately clinging too turns out to be hopeless. I expect what's she's feeling right now is hopelessness and defeat.