At loggerheads over dog

[Nate757]

My wife (24f) is a stay at home mum of our daughter (1f) and is struggling with her mental health, especially since I (28m) have started to work away from home about 50% of the time and will be abroad 7-10 days at a time. She loves staying at home with our daughter, but is feeling isolated a she recently moved away from family and friends for my job, she is depressed and due to something that happened in her past, struggles with extreme anxiety being alone in the house at night (she is going to therapy).

She really wants to get a dog, which I am definitely open to. I really would prefer a smaller breed, but she has her heart set on a a Saint Bernard as she grew up with one and adores them. Against my own wishes I agreed on the condition she pays entirely for its food maintenance out of her own money (she has her own little business she makes a couple hundred pounds from every month). My wife was absolutely ecstatic, picked out a puppy she wanted and last week we went to go and collect it. The puppies were adorable, but when I met the mum and saw how big she was I got cold feet, pulled my wife aside and told her I'd changed my mind. So we went home without the puppy.

She initially took it better than I expected and left the breeder's without a row but in the days after her mental health has deteriorated further and I'd be a fool to not see that this is causing major resentment in our marriage.

I feel like such an AH and know I've really hurt my wife by literally pulling out when she had the puppy of her dreams in her arms. I'm just not a fan of big dogs and don't want to live with one. I'm still happy to get a small dog, but my wife says she wants a breed she knows and loves, and a big dog would help her feel safer when she's alone. She doesn't want to comprise.

Am I being unreasonable?

I had JRTs (and Border Collies) growing up. They are not young family dogs. They need ALOT of stimulation. Without it, they become aggressive and snappy. Ours were out for hours, 7 days a week. I think German Shepherds were mentioned on here too. My brother has one, it has a strong guard instinct. Barks whenever anyone visits, very protective of family. Many badly bred ones are neurotic. My brothers is a pain in the arse. Nothing like the experience of SBs on this thread. You don't seem to be addressing anything other than dog size on here. You need to address the issues in your marriage and they have nothing to do with a dog.

100% this

Also, you are going to be a very partial presence to the dog, too. It will take a while to see you as family given that you are so part time. Don’t get a guard breed or it will try and guard her from you.

I explained why I couldn't just quit my job as I had 100+ people telling me to just change my job to something with more family friendly hours, which is what I would like to do if an opportunity ever becomes possible.

There is a good reason why we are telling you this.
THE JOB IS THE ISSUE NOT THE DOG.

You have made her move away from her family while she had a young baby, then you are not there for over half the time! Do you have any idea what it is like for a woman to have her first baby, in a strange town far from her family, and have no support?

You have got to break your contract and get another job ASAP. Get a minimum wage job burger-flipping if you have to. Sell the house and go into a rental.
SHE NEEDS YOU AT HOME.

And if you won't do that, then at least she should get the dog.

“but it wasn’t deliberate”? That doesn’t matter.
If you injure somebody by pushing them down the stairs they’re still injured. Doesn’t matter that you didn’t mean to, thought they wouldn’t actually fall, injure themselves etc.

You changed your mind when she was already holding the puppy! Make this right and get her the dog she wants. Especially when one considers how much she sacrificed for your career. And that you aren’t even home most days!!

JRTs you can just pick up and put in the bath is they get mucky.

In my experience, smaller dogs are far more likely to be aggressive - both to people and other dogs. I have yet to meet a small dog that wasn't needlessly aggressive.

The mud issue is valid. But being nervous of bigger dogs over smaller dogs is a bit ridiculous given smaller dogs are widely acknowledged to have far more behavioural issues.

She doesn't earn enough to be responsible for the upkeep of a St Bernard.

If she has fragile mental health then getting a dog is a bad idea.

She's being selfish. If she's frightened at being home alone then have better home security not a dog.

If anything a dog will make her more anxious as their ears prick up at sounds we can't hear.

Absolutely ridiculous of her to get a dog when she is struggling to cope.

I'm not sure I agree on most of the points above, apart from the first one of course.

If she is isolated and lonely then a dog is a perfect idea, depending on the breed, they are shown to be a calming influence, give you a reason to get up in the morning etc, a reason to go for a walk which can also help with your mental health, will be your shoulder to cry on and cheer you up when you're feeling down, if you want a dog and have previously had one chances are you will enjoy having a dog again.

He says she likes being at home with their daughter, it's the isolation and depression that is affecting her.

They do also give you a sense of security, if the dog pricks its ears up and starts making a fuss you can send it outside to see off anything out there.. usually a cat or fox etc. If you hear noises and are alone with a baby, what are you supposed to do, go out there with a baseball bat? Call the police? What can you possibly do to give you peace of mind.. your imagination will be working overtime, a dog will come trotting back in happy that it's saved you from whatever fallen branch or aggressive paper bag has been blowing around in the back garden and normality resumes, job done.

She moved areas for your job, she has to be alone for days at a time for your job. You said you’d have a SB pup and went to pick one and then said no? How much crueler could you be?
I suggest you go back and buy the puppy she wants and hope she’s still prepared to put up with you.

Life is undoubtedly tricky but bringing in a brand new puppy, that OP doesn't want, will not be the panacea that she thinks it will be. OP has good reason to think that a SB puppy is not the answer.

I agree with this. You seem very condescending and controlling. Why do you get to decide? And the thing about telling her she had to pay out of her own money to help her understand what a commitment a big dog is, sounds like you treat her like a child.

You need to find a way to compromise and make joint decisions like two functional adults.

I don’t like the way you say she has to pay for it’s food it just should be a family thing and you’re obviously on a lot more money than her. I wouldn’t want own myself but she knows the breed so you’d hope she’d know what she’s taking on. Would she be happy with a Labrador or something? Still a proper dog but not a giant, untrainable, drooling, malting mess

A few hundred pounds a month will not pay the bills for a Newfoundland dog

I have 2 bernese mountain dogs! Tbh I do find st Bernards on the large side, but generally the bigger the dog, the softer they are. A st Bernard has very little in common with say a cockapoo. It isn't going to be running around all over the place wanting to play. It will spend most of its time asleep. It won't want to play fetch or run or even play with toys much. They are a great breed if you just want a big gentle giant. Like I say, they are a bit big for me - how big is your car? Insurance and vet bills will be through the roof. And food. But if you can afford one, why not? People will stop you to say hello all the time, it's very sociable. But maybe look at bernese or newfoundlands instead x

You moved her away from her friends and family for your career. Now you work away 50% of the time. Your wife's mental health is deteriorating because of YOU. You agree to having a St Bernard, a gorgeous breed who will be loved by your wife and daughter. Then you go back on a promise that you made at the last minute.
It's all about you, isn't it? Think you need to start thinking about your wife and child, otherwise you may look around and they will be gone.

You should never promise something and then change your mind at the last moment, very unfair. Go through with what you promised always

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that she is being a bit manipulative. Her mental health has got worse because she can't have what she wants. Bollocks and I say that as someone who has an adult child who suffers so badly with his mental health he can't work and even he sometimes tries it on. What happens on the days when she's really bad and can't give the dog what it needs?
I agree you were in the wrong not to research properly but we live and learn.

I think you're an arsehole, not over the dog (I wouldn't want to live with a creature the size of a small bear!), but to have uprooted your wife and child from their support network and then essentially abandoned them for most of the time.

Move back to where you were and commute.

He's already explained that his job requires him to live near his work. What do you expect him to do? Perhaps live on benefits. I despair.

Find a Mon-Fri lodging? Whatever. If he's not even there for most of the time, it doesn't matter where his wife lives.

If your wife wants to feel safe whilst you are away buy a German Shepherd,they are smaller than St Bernards,great with kids and will protect both your child and wife

Sorry mate but yabu. She is alone, suffers from depression, in a strange place. C'mon be a man and put her first here. She needs this. I moved away from friends and family to live with my new partner. I was struggling and just before COVID I moaned at my partner until he agreed to a dog. Well thank god as during the pandemic I WFH and he was out on 12-14 hour shifts. I suffer from my mental health and if it wasn't for my dog I'd probably have lost the plot. And I'm not young and vulnerable. You have also mentioned she has suffered some sort of trauma in the past. Pretty cruel of you to say no after she'd fell in love with the puppy. You have no idea how much a dog can help with loneliness and depression.

I'm well aware my job/working hours is a huge factor, if not the biggest factor of my wife's current struggles. If I could turn it into a regular 9-5/Mon-Fri job I could, but those jobs simply don't exist in the field I work in. I work hard to support my family financially, and if I were to just quit I couldn't just walk into a new career and still earn my current salary. It's in my contract that I live within a certain amount of miles of my base, which is why we had to move. I really wish I could spend more time at home with my family.

Did you actually consider a career change or did you just assume that you have to stay in this career because of the salary?

A lot of people would decide that a lower salary was better than an enforced move away from family & friends plus working away over half the time. Especially people with kids.

I appreciate a career change is not easy and it may mean you accepting a less senior position or less interesting work. But it may be your wife would rather you earned less and be around more and/or be able to move back “home”.

A dog of any size is a huge responsibility, I'd say your DP is trying to get some security & stability as she found it in her childhood with this dog. She obviously found peace with her st Bernard growing up.
Don't underestimate small dogs they can be a big handful, we have a dachshund & he's virtually untrainable, he's a lovely dog & I wouldn't be without him but he's a handful.
When we were first married I used to just turn up with a dog or couple of kittens, my poor DH just got used to it. Not the best way to do things but it worked for us, you're lucky she's not doing that 😂

German shepherd's terrify people. It can be lonely walking one on the local dog park as people will complain and avoid you. And they need a lot of stimulation. A st Bernard will just sleep!