At loggerheads over dog

[Nate757]

My wife (24f) is a stay at home mum of our daughter (1f) and is struggling with her mental health, especially since I (28m) have started to work away from home about 50% of the time and will be abroad 7-10 days at a time. She loves staying at home with our daughter, but is feeling isolated a she recently moved away from family and friends for my job, she is depressed and due to something that happened in her past, struggles with extreme anxiety being alone in the house at night (she is going to therapy).

She really wants to get a dog, which I am definitely open to. I really would prefer a smaller breed, but she has her heart set on a a Saint Bernard as she grew up with one and adores them. Against my own wishes I agreed on the condition she pays entirely for its food maintenance out of her own money (she has her own little business she makes a couple hundred pounds from every month). My wife was absolutely ecstatic, picked out a puppy she wanted and last week we went to go and collect it. The puppies were adorable, but when I met the mum and saw how big she was I got cold feet, pulled my wife aside and told her I'd changed my mind. So we went home without the puppy.

She initially took it better than I expected and left the breeder's without a row but in the days after her mental health has deteriorated further and I'd be a fool to not see that this is causing major resentment in our marriage.

I feel like such an AH and know I've really hurt my wife by literally pulling out when she had the puppy of her dreams in her arms. I'm just not a fan of big dogs and don't want to live with one. I'm still happy to get a small dog, but my wife says she wants a breed she knows and loves, and a big dog would help her feel safer when she's alone. She doesn't want to comprise.

Am I being unreasonable?

Agree.
Up the home security.

You are unlikely to feel ill at ease with a dog that has been raised in your home from a puppy. It will only gradually go from little and cute, to big and cute. It will feel very different to being confronted by a large dog that you don’t know. You ‘sound’ like an intelligent guy and (given that you work away so much) between the lines of your posts, you feel you should just agree to your wife having the dog she really wants. You may also know that caring for an animal is very beneficial for mental health, so there is that added benefit for your wife. My opinion, for what it’s worth is just agree to her getting the puppy she wants and suck it up. Very soon s/he will become part of the family. If you are fine with having a dog, you’ll be fine with having a big dog as he grows. As for the poster who said SBs are not good guard dogs, we no, they don’t have a strong guarding instinct, but they do have a big bark and their size will put off nearly everyone with malicious intent.

The dog is not the issue here (or at least, the magic bullet). She doesn't need a dog, she needs a present partner and support from her family and friends. Otherwise her mental state is unlikely to improve.

Yes, lots of people work away from home but at the point at which they have an isolated wife with mental health difficulties struggling to care for their young child, it's time to reassess priorities.

I actually think it took you a great deal of courage to realise it was a commitment you couldn't make.

I don't know if you have the room for a large dog but I'm not sure I'd want my dog and kid to be toddlers together! A puppy is a huge commitment when you're running after a toddler too. If her heart is set on a St Bernard and you have the room, you are probably better at adopting one. If you're not comfortable with large dogs or you don't have the space, you need to honest with her.

The dog is a red herring. Why have you taken a job that involves working away so much when your wife is struggling? Can't that wait until she is in a better place and you be around for your wife and child? And as for making her pay for the dog food, jesus 🙄

Yes YABU

@Nate757 yes I do think she'd be better off without you.

She won't be losing you, she'd be gaining family and a dog

What a dick.

"Making" her pay for the food from her money? You sound like a controlling twat.

I agree couples should have joint finances. But this is a 28yo (not old enough to have huge career leverage yet) with a wife (who is not earning more than tiny amounts of money) and child, who has already explained that just shifting jobs is difficult. Someone needs to bring home the bacon.

The first step needs to be a discussion about the wife returning to work. It would probably help with her mental state - at least she could give it a try. The yearning for a dog is probably coming about due to isolation. And if she can lay the foundations for earning more, this will also increase the odds that the OP may be able to shift to a career with more family-friendly hours in the future.

I would also suggest the wife gets her dog fix by doing something like the Cinnamon Trust - this might be sufficient for improving the mental health issues, it might also signal to her that looking after a dog, a baby and a job/business when your spouse is away much of the time is going to be a massive, massive burden.

When my husband wanted a dog (I wasn’t keen) we went round rescue centres to look at breeds and asked other dog owners about their dogs… my husband wanted a Great Dane, but after researching the breed it was a firm no from me… we ended up with poodle mix and she was adorable!
Im a cleaner at the moment and I have to say having cleaned houses which have a big dog living there I am so glad mine don’t moult!! One house has a big hairy Alsatian and the hair blows around on the wooden floors like tumble weed!…. It absolutely clings to the upstairs carpets and I hate hoovering these houses!
I don’t understand why you wouldn’t have met the mother dog before even choosing the puppy,, I do think though that you’re mad getting such a gigantic dog with such young children, it will be a lot for wife to cope with a baby and an elephant sized dog that’s food bill alone would put me off!
It’s also unfair to make her pay for everything… This is a joint decision dog items should be a shared cost, as should walking, brushing and picking up poo!
I do think your wife is being rather stubborn insisting on a certain breed, one that you don’t want! Sadly if she won’t compromise then she won’t have a dog!…. As for her feeling unsafe… install a camera doorbell, a burglar alarm and any other security measures to reassures her!

Yeah, single mother with a small baby, been out of the workforce for a while, struggling alone with an enormous smelly dog. Sounds like a fantastic life.

I think the OP needs to adjust his attitude in certain respects, but some posters here are being incredibly naive about the pressures on breadwinners when the wife is SAHM. Somebody has to earn the bloody money!

Seeing some suggestions on here that the OP should take a lower-paid job in order to be at home more. OK, fine, but we are in a cost of living crisis with inaffordable housing. If the OP is to earn less, his wife is going to have to start earning more.

The wife needs to start getting ready for a return to the workforce. For her own mental health and to take some pressure off her husband. And for the love of God, don't get a dog.

OPs wife isn't a SAHM, she has a 'little business'. Unfortunately OP has chosen a job that massively restricts his wife's earning potential. If he found a job where he was able to be a more present parent, then I'm sure she could contribute more, life would be more balanced and I'm sure his wife would be happier. But I highly doubt OP is willing to make changes for his wife, he is far too important for that.

Against my own wishes I agreed on the condition she pays entirely for its food maintenance out of her own money (she has her own little business she makes a couple hundred pounds from every month).

You sound financially controlling and like you’ve got your wife right where you want her, isolated from her friends and family by moving her away and being a SAHM with a young child.

She earns £200 per month and you want her to pay for the dog’s food/maintenance out of this tiny amount of money.

I’m not buying your apologetic tone, OP, I hope your wife wakes up to your true colours and leaves you.

I can completely appreciate how your wife feels. My DH doesn’t work away but goes on a few trips a year. We have a Rhodesian Ridgeback, he’s big and a pain 😂 but when my DH is away I feel so safe and he’s so good for my MH. Gets me up and out of the house when I don’t always feel like it. St Bernard wouldn’t be my choice because of the hair but I would be looking for larger dogs to get that sense of being safe when home alone.

I feel like your dog should get the big dog that she wants to help her feel safe in the house at night. A small dog isn’t going to make her feel safer. I would be devastated to think I’m having a puppy and taking it home to then have to walk away without it.

Love said she’s raised a puppy before but both with a 1 year old in tow, also what happens when your wife is having a bad day and doesn’t feel like walking the dog? That’s a big dog to be kept in. Why don’t you suggest that you go to a therapy session and you can both discuss your issues about the dog with someone who is impartial

St Bernard's are very low energy so you'd probably find that the dog doesn't care about not having a walk.

Do you see her as an equal? With her 'little' job? She should work out what 50% of childcare costs would be and charge you that to add to her income.

Dog wise. What about being a foster home for a dog charity? Would expand her network, be doing a good turn and give her the dog fix to see how taking care of one would impact her mental health.

You...you think a JRT would be a more suitable family pet than a St Bernard. Presumably your concerns about volume of dog exceeds your concern about your small person getting snapped at or bitten? You know far less than your wife about what's appropriate & nothing you've said makes you look less controlling or patronising towards her.

The PP who compared this to her wanting a coat & you saying she can have gloves is bang on.

The only reason the voting looks as close as it does is cos MN is abnormally anti-dog.

The breed she wants is slow and plodding and doesn’t require much exercise!

This.

I meant absolutely nothing malicious by describing her business as "little" as opposed to "small". I was just describing its scale. I'm really proud of her business

It was unreasonable of you to say she had to pay for the upkeep of a large dog entirely by herself, especially as it sounds like you wouldn't have given her the same ultimatum had it been a smaller dog.

You are away 50% of the time, abroad a lot and will have little to do with the dog. You agreed to something that was making your wife so happy and then pulled the rug out from underneath her feet at the last possible second. This is after she has uprooted herself from her friends and family and is having to seek therapy to cope with the outcomes from loving you and ensuring that you and your job is a priority.

The way you behaved was cruel and selfish. It sounds like you need to work on yourself and hope that your wife forgives you.

@Nate757 you sound perfectly sensible to me, the comments about your wife divorcing you are a bit silly in my view. I do think married couples should have joint accounts. The dog isn’t going to solve your wife’s problems. Your wife needs to grow up a bit and get out of the house more, a couple of good female friends to laugh with.

I don’t think you are going to get any more from this thread. I would leave it if I were you. I am very happily married 25 years to a man who (the horror) worked away from home regularly for the money. He is retiring this year age 57 with a good nest egg so we feel it was worth it. All the best.

@Nate757 this is the most sensible advice I've seen so far. Ask if she'd be open to you going to a therapy session with her to discuss it. Take it and run.