Husband 'needs'

[NeedyOne]

An argument with DH about his needs not being met, the usual needs men demand. Sex.
I've said before that if you ignore me all day, speak to me about only sex and make lewd remarks it's not attractive and I'm not interested if there's been no connection. His reply is that it's apparently all about me, my needs are always first and his never matter.

I asked today after he had a 2 day sulk, was he going to talk to me as this behaviour is passive aggressive and controlling. He refused to engage. I asked why he thinks it's ok to demand his needs are met but I'm apparently unreasonable to ask for him to spend time with me.

His reply was, that is my need, (time together) and that he shouldn't have to do it if his needs aren't being met.
I had to clarify a few times as surely he couldn't be saying time spent with your wife, watching a movie or whatever (he never arranges anything) is apparently a need and he doesn't and won't be engaging in it as he's not having sex.

This can not be real? Do men equate the two as equal.
Add in the fact we have small children that crawl over me before bed and I do all the household labour and childcare.

If my husband stonewalled me it would be a clear indication there is something very serious happening in our marriage because stonewalling is dangerous grounds in a relationship. it can lead to divorce.

we would have a “come to Jesus” talk about our marriage and needs. There wouldn’t be finger pointing and assigning blame. We would both be at fault and we would both need to come to the table like adults and come clean about what’s working and isn’t and make a plan so we can both be happy.

and as it happens my husband has absolutely been sex “needy”in the past and his needs are far greater than mine however I see him filling my needs bucket and I’m happy to fill his. But that hasn’t come easy for either of us. It’s been hard won. It takes compromise and I’m not some submissive little wife- I’m actually the terrier of the relationship. But I’ve been married to someone who had no sexual desire for me, who ignored me, and had no respect for me. I decided to step away. I’ve also been down the road of believing men aren’t different than women in regards to need, and I no longer buy it. I’m very happily married now and my husband and I have to negotiate that regularly.

I won’t mince words with other women about it either so say whatever you may to me about my views but I won’t bend on them.

That’s the problem tho isn’t it.

He wants/needs sex to feel connected loved whatever

she wants/needs time/affection in general to feel the same to want the sex

They both want things from the other, but the other will not give the other their want/need till their own is met.

communication is the overall problem. It’s a Mexican standoff.

Now he might be a huge arsehole cunting wank badger or he might just be an emotionally stunted man who can’t verbalise so strops. Not good either way. Again communication.

But surely at one point this relationship was working, op got her time and affection and he got his sex which by ops own comments is good sex. So what happened. What made him or her pull away first, what made it so that he sees this as now a trade off when it’s obviously wasn’t before.

We can all jump to LTB abuse abuse or we can actually look a little deeper sometimes and try to find the cause to see if it’s fixable 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sorry but I fail to see what is abusive? He might be genuinely hurt by the situation. I’m not in their marriage and I can’t claim to know the ins and outs of what is happening here. I grew that is coersive but I also know many people who ignore their partners and see it as a non issue. I don’t agree but if that’s their pattern then that is something they need to fix

his stonewalling is a serious issue. I take that on board. But couldn’t he see her lack of sexual appetite for him as the same? And she needs to nip his stonewalling in the bud unless that is a typical pattern in their relationship… does she return fire

Maybe I’ve missed something but the amount of man abuse in this thread is ridiculous. and the amount of shouting for divorce every time something comes up with men and their need for sex and calling it abusive is ridiculous.

Oh god I wish I'd known this when I was younger.

OP I fell for all the guilting, sulking behaviour when I was first married. I'm afraid it doesn't change. Even if you met his 'needs' then he'd raise the bar higher.

This man doesn't love and respect you. That's nothing to do with YOU not being enough, it's about him. But you can't help him or change him.

The only thing you can do is get out before you waste any more time. Don't fall for the sunk costs fallacy. Think about not wasting any future time. I've got friends in their 70s who are STILL trying to live up to their husbands unrealistic expectations.

Finally someone with some sense

Nasty because I don’t agree with the toxic bs being rained on this woman’s post? fine with me.

Someone else referred to women who did t agree with him as nasty and I can guarantee you don’t want to be lumped in with his lot :)

We would both be at fault and we would both need to come to the table like adults and come clean about what’s working and isn’t and make a plan so we can both be happy.

It’s been pointed out several times now that the op has shared her part in what’s not working with her husband. Her husband isn’t taking it on board. She’s even ‘giving in’ to his ‘needs’ (which again, are not needs, they’re wants) to placate him - he’s still not changing his behaviour to meet her needs.

and as it happens my husband has absolutely been sex “needy”in the past and his needs are far greater than mine however I see him filling my needs bucket and I’m happy to fill his. But that hasn’t come easy for either of us.

See above again for why this isn’t working for the op.

It takes compromise and I’m not some submissive little wife- I’m actually the terrier of the relationship.

You have a frightening amount of internalised misogyny and have been gaslit to hell about what is a healthy, equal and loving relationship. But I’d also bet you scoff at the term ‘gaslighting’ in general don’t you? Especially in how very determined you are in finding blame in the op here.

I won’t mince words with other women about it either so say whatever you may to me about my views but I won’t bend on them.

Yes, it’s quite evident you’re a ‘I say it how I want’ type person, even if you don’t have the capacity to fully weigh the information presented to you and come to a better articulated conclusion.

Sorry I don’t believe in the “ patriarchy “

I think women and men have different biological wiring and therefore different needs

i don’t care if you agree or anyone else does

I have no internalized misogyny. I see the world how it is. I have three children, a very disabled child, and am the survivor of six years of childhood sexual assault and grew up essentially in the third world

i hve very little time to sit and argue much less make well articulated (I sense a layer of education class being thrown at me here) with a bunch of unhappyily married women on mumsnet who want me to buy into second wave feminist bs (which guess what I actually used to buy into. I am a reformed liberal.)

I don’t care whether you agree with what I have to say or not. But your opinion and thoughts about me have no bearing on my life. I’m happy to see they’ve only reinforced yours about your own.

Sorry I don’t believe in the “ patriarchy “

Honey, you couldn’t have made that more obvious even if you put it on a tshirt. You seem very much the type of woman who will fight for men’s needs and feelings to be recognised, lots of ‘we’ve forgotten what it means for men to be men’ memes floating about your social media…

Op

sorry to derail your post

I merely wanted to offer another opinion. I knew you would get lots of opinions telling you he was abusive and controlling and his needs were not valid. However, having been through something similar myself, I’m offering you another viewpoint. Whether you agree or anyone else agrees or not you wouldn’t post on a public message for him if you weren’t asking for all of you. Which is why I asked you what you wanted in the first place. I didn’t come here to get beat up and called, all sorts of names. I came here to help.

Stonewalling IS abusive. It's one of the four aspects of behaviour that John Gottman (one of the foremost relationship experts) calls the most lethal to relationships and predictive of divorce.

It is not up to her to fix him. This is one of the biggest things we need to change in how women are taught to behave and you're just falling for it. She doesn't have to nip his stonewalling in the bud, HE does.

She is trying to explain what she needs from him that are basic requirements of ANY relationshiip: listening to the other person, not being critical, spending time together. Sex is not a requirement in that way; it comes naturally as part of a loving and caring relationship with your partner. Someone who is stonewalling and not helping at all with the household or childcare is not being loving and caring.

The problem with your post is I don’t actually get on social media because lots of women like those in this thread have overtaken it with liberal BS ideas and best up on. Woman expressing any opinions counter to their own. That’s not being real feminist is it? Who is actually showing misogynistic views now? It isn’t me. I don’t agree with the general consensus or group think about how women should be so that now makes me the bad woman. Don’t you see the irony in this?. We don’t live in medieval times. The patriarchy isn’t real. It’s just some general thing we like to blame all of the ills of society on, but actually doesn’t really exist anymore. It’s now women beating up on other women for not agreeing with every single one of their viewpoints. Tell our women any happier now than they’ve ever been? I don’t believe so.

Maybe women needed progressive feminism years ago when we weren’t allowed to work outside the homes and when we were considered property of our Husband. But I actually see marriage is something far more nuanced than a man only being there to provide for our own needs

like it or not I don’t really care

And given that I have a son, I will absolutely raise him to believe his rights matter just as much as mine and my two daughters.

I have no internalized misogyny.

Sure, Miss ‘there’s no partriarchy’.

I see the world how it is. I have three children, a very disabled child, and am the survivor of six years of childhood sexual assault and grew up essentially in the third world

With all due respect, so what. I have three disabled children and a past of abuse. Literally irrelevant again.

You’ve turned this thread into your own personal agenda rather than recognising what issues the op is facing. You’ve made it oddly political. You still haven’t addressed the fact she has tried to speak to her husband and compromised on his needs and he’s not doing the same in return. You’re just desperate to see a woman meet a man’s needs just like you do. The op isn’t here to validate your life and beliefs.

Are you getting paid for these messages? I’m guessing so given how much thought and time you’re actually putting into psychoanalyzing me. Can you save it for TikTok please

lots of women like those in this thread have overtaken it with liberal BS ideas

So saying no to abusive men is a liberal bs idea? Wow.

I actually mentioned Gottman in this thread already. I completely agree with what you’ve posted. But we’re missing a lot of information, including whether she stonewalls him back. We have no idea how deep this goes. I am merely was offering other suggestions.

Oh that's awful op. I'm sorry you're having to deal with it. With little kids, it is exhausting, and the last thing you need is being pestered when you fall exhausted into bed, and hope for a quick read, or series episode etc!

I know alot of posters say dh's need to be loving all day, as a tactic to get sex later, but I don't agree. I want my dh to kiss, cuddle because he loves and appreciates me, and not because he is doing it for sex. I have noticed my dh is very tactile, give me cuddles from behind in the kitchen, very affectionate, and i have always thought this to be genuine. However, I have been increasingly becoming aware that when I am on my period, he doesn't come anywhere near me, and he is generally not as nice to me! I have had this conversation with him, he argues black is white. This has been a source of contention for us lately. The issue is if he changes this behaviour, I feel it won't be genuine, and just because I have told him to! We could have sex the night before, and it isn't enough, he will put it back on me as apparently I have teased him etc.

Honestly you cannot win. Men!!!

I’m not on TikTok, I’m not a teenager or that bored.

Still not actually sticking to the thread or answering the fact the op has tried to converse/compromise with her husband about the issue. So instead of waffling about mens rights, do you have any further advice for her that’s actually helpful?

lol if that’s how you want to read my msssage

while all you fight out over what my messages really mean and how im a horrible woman I’m now going to make my husband lunch and fold some laundry. Have a lovely day x

As tempting as it is to say LTB I think it's worth a final attempt at communicating your issue.

Some men fail to grasp the notion that for many women, sex often begins in the mind. Love, affection, time and consideration.

I’m the one getting attacked here. I’m getting replied to and people mentioning me

im not the one writing those messages so let’s everyone else turn the finger on themselves before only pointing at me

goosbye for now

He regards her as an object for his use, comfort and convenience, when he should see her as the human being she is, the sentient being, the person with a mind, thoughts, feelings, hopes and fear and NEEDS of her own, whom he dearly loves and wants good for her!
My STBX was treating me like that in the last few years too. I eventually remebered a phrase he used when talking about another man whom he thought was trying to entice a woman into moving in with him " I think he has a "bit of cushion" lined up!" So, I realised he just regarded ME as a "bit of cushion", there for his comfort and use, and a things that just needs plumping up every now and then but otherwise, is just an inanimate object, not a person!
Hence, he's now STBX! You are a person, OP! He is out of order and yes, I do think what he's doing would be considered emotional abuse or even coercive control. Please contact Women's Aid for guidance, they'll give you the advice and support you need. I can't see this being resolved in any other way except you splitting from him. You are a precious, unique human being and you deserve better than this!

With the period thing. Could it be the smell… like not that you smell haha but are we not meant to give of different pheromones to attract a mate as such when near or ovulating. So it would make sense that we don’t smell as come to me when in our periods. Maybe we have a fuck off pheromone 😂 maybe I’m chatting shit. Who knows 🫣

Too late to edit but meant to add something else. When you consider women who have a few dates then they are desperate to instigate sex. They haven't exactly been made to feel cared for & special. They simply fancy the man for his sex appeal. This can also happen within marriage. Personally speaking my DH has no need to feel grumpy. He excites me just looking at him & long may it continue. I'm not contradicting the OPs feelings just considering this from a different angle.