Husband 'needs'

[NeedyOne]

An argument with DH about his needs not being met, the usual needs men demand. Sex.
I've said before that if you ignore me all day, speak to me about only sex and make lewd remarks it's not attractive and I'm not interested if there's been no connection. His reply is that it's apparently all about me, my needs are always first and his never matter.

I asked today after he had a 2 day sulk, was he going to talk to me as this behaviour is passive aggressive and controlling. He refused to engage. I asked why he thinks it's ok to demand his needs are met but I'm apparently unreasonable to ask for him to spend time with me.

His reply was, that is my need, (time together) and that he shouldn't have to do it if his needs aren't being met.
I had to clarify a few times as surely he couldn't be saying time spent with your wife, watching a movie or whatever (he never arranges anything) is apparently a need and he doesn't and won't be engaging in it as he's not having sex.

This can not be real? Do men equate the two as equal.
Add in the fact we have small children that crawl over me before bed and I do all the household labour and childcare.

Jesus fucking Christ. This could perhaps be the biggest pile of utter shit I’ve ever read.

And from a woman. I just can’t…

😂😂

yep and I’m a happily married one at that

There’s reason trans men take hormones to become more female.

WTAF @cheekycheekshiyah ?? Do you even know what biological sex a transman is?

What a vile man-baby. Relationships don't work like that. I can't see him changing op

Yeah, it's not the same situation and I wasn't saying it was. Only that sex makes me feel closer to my woman and I was extrapolating that to men in general. I do think this is true though In don't have a large body of evidence :-)

And you’ve assumed she’s acted perfectly and somehow in the past hasn’t allowed the stonewalling

if my husband stonewalled me once over sexual issues we wouldn’t be having that same conversation over and over again

wake the hell up people

Thank you for sharing your experience as a man

my husband is the same and if I was ignoring his needs he would be very hurt

if my husband stonewalled me once over sexual issues we wouldn’t be having that same conversation over and over again

Why, what would you do to address that situation? What would you do if your husband ‘needed sex’ despite not listening to how he’s not making you feel valued as his equal partner, would you just have sex to placate him?

Probably, because you’re so fucking delirious.

OP’s DH is abusive and uses coercive control to manipulate OP into having sex when she’s exhausted after doing absolutely everything at home. And she’s partly to blame? You’re an enabler. This is why we have so many fucking awful men, because morons like you enable it and even blame the victim.

OP should feel lucky that her husband is a sex pest and views her only as a wank hole, but doesn’t want to spend any time with her otherwise unless he’s sticking his dick in her?? Fuck that.

Man and women have different needs?? Fuck that, no they don’t. Different desires maybe.

@RichieRich64 now you've said her H probably does need more sex to feel closer to her, how do you think he can achieve that whilst giving OP what she needs too (emotional connection), any insight she can use?

no
im assuming there is a lot of baggage she hasn’t clarified and that she’s likely not perfect in this scenario

i see nothing bout a sex pest. I see someone desperate to have sex with his wife and doesn’t know how to communicate it properly. And I see a lot of women being horrible about it

i only brought up trans stuff to illustrate a point that men and women are biologically wired very very different and we need to remember our needs and their needs look very different

you don’t like what I have to say

you don’t like what I have to say
I think we can all agree with that considering you are talking bollocks. Your take on the trans issue is especially embarrassing.

OP - sorry for the derail . Your H won't suddenly change so you need to think what you want for your future. What would you want it to look like?

my husband is the same and if I was ignoring his needs he would be very hurt

OPs husband is ignoring her needs and she is very hurt by it, can you not understand why she feels unwilling to also meet his needs? Women have wants and needs just in the same way as men, there has to be a certain amount of mutual respect in a couple to make a marriage work.

Would you expect your husband to resort to coercive, abusive behaviour if you (for whatever reason) weren't meeting his needs? Would you then decide to service him to meet his needs anyway, even though you didn't want to, how would that make you feel about him?

You can't apply the same 'standards' of a healthy communicative relationship to an abusive one, that is the mistake you are making here.

i see nothing bout a sex pest. I see someone desperate to have sex with his wife and doesn’t know how to communicate it properly

Thats a him problem, the op has explained to him what the issue is and he’s not taking it on board. Demanding sex because he ‘needs it’ and completely shutting down when explained to him why she doesn’t want it with him is being a sex pest.

i only brought up trans stuff to illustrate a point that men and women are biologically wired very very different and we need to remember our needs and their needs look very different

I don’t think you know enough of the biological and sociological differences between men and women to be commenting on this. Because there’s a overlap when it comes to wanting sex (which is natural to both men and women even if it fluctuates) and the reasons why some men think they’re owed sex (patriarchy control). Regardless, it’s completely irrelevant to the thread.

It's understandable when you feel rejected emotionally & physically you are less likely to want to be sexually intimate. There is also the old adage 'use it or lose it' The other very important consideration is an incompatible sex drive. It's often assumed it's men who are desperate for sex within the marriage with women reluctantly obliging. Although this is far from the truth, in many cases it will be true. Does this make for a fulfilled & happy relationship, absolutely not. The happiest & most contented people in marriage are couples who communicate with meaningful discussions addressing every aspect of their lives, including their sex lives. Its nothing to do with age either. Sex when both parties are fit & healthy can be a wonderful way to bond whether you are in your 20s or 80s. As far as menopause is concerned. It's a myth that all women dry up & lose their sex drive during this phase. Again although many do there are others who are the absolute opposite. All the best OP, I hope you both work it out.

There is no correlation between not enabling domestic violence and not being fun in bed. I’m far from vanilla my little sugar lump, but we’re not talking about me right now.

I can’t engage with you anymore, you’ve got the iq of a Didgeridoo and it’s embarrassing trying to communicate with someone so thick. Your other replies are as shit as your first, I’m embarrassed for you. 1950 wants you back.

I do agree with this, I’m a woman and sex/intimacy is an important part of my marriage so we prioritise it because we know we both start to feel a bit disconnected without it! I think it comes down to really what people feel is important in their own relationships and what they need to feel connected, it’s difficult when both people don’t agree on what those important things are

This is sexual coercion. If you don't have sex with me I'll stonewall you. He is trying to bully you into sex. That's repulsive.

Where is the romance? Where is the effort? Most women don't get turned on by fuck me or I'll sulk for days and act like a tennager. Kevin and Perry "it's so UNFAIR".

I bet you do all the housework, parenting and life admin as well.

At these stage op you're not even friends. He will never be able to get past this. Wouldn't it be just so much easier, more happy and content for you to get to just live without having him around? Yes it's not easy when you have kids, but this isn't working.

Imagine, after putting your little ones to bed, getting to sit in the peace and quiet knowing how loved you are by those innocent little souls? THEY love you for YOU. HE doesn't. Right now you're drowning, and it's HIM that's pulling you down under the water.

Repulsive

I'd rather not completely out myself or he'd be really angry.

My heart breaks reading this. If I could reach you from this anonymous place, I'd give you a bear hug. The abuse you've been subjected to seem more awful than your original post.

OP, none of us in Mumsnet can stop your husband from abusing you. None of us can fathom how that abuse has affected you as a woman, deserving respect and love in a mature relationship with the man you share your life with.

If there is one thing you need to take from the majority of posts is this - you are being abused by your husband. Let it sink in. Keep thinking about it. It'll be a beginning for you.

He's treating her like a hole.

She SAID that she didn't turn him down all the time, she asked him to STOP GOING ON ABOUT IT.

Jesus fucking Christ. OP, ignore people like this. You have EVERY right to simply want to have your husband want to spend time with you as a person and not just a HOLE.

They seem to be a very nasty person don't they?