Husband 'needs'

[NeedyOne]

An argument with DH about his needs not being met, the usual needs men demand. Sex.
I've said before that if you ignore me all day, speak to me about only sex and make lewd remarks it's not attractive and I'm not interested if there's been no connection. His reply is that it's apparently all about me, my needs are always first and his never matter.

I asked today after he had a 2 day sulk, was he going to talk to me as this behaviour is passive aggressive and controlling. He refused to engage. I asked why he thinks it's ok to demand his needs are met but I'm apparently unreasonable to ask for him to spend time with me.

His reply was, that is my need, (time together) and that he shouldn't have to do it if his needs aren't being met.
I had to clarify a few times as surely he couldn't be saying time spent with your wife, watching a movie or whatever (he never arranges anything) is apparently a need and he doesn't and won't be engaging in it as he's not having sex.

This can not be real? Do men equate the two as equal.
Add in the fact we have small children that crawl over me before bed and I do all the household labour and childcare.

I’m not sure which century you’ve popped in from but as I said, you can’t predict what kind of man you’ll have once you have children and a household to run. Many men don’t show their true colours until after they have the children they both wanted and made together. This idea that women are so baby brained they’ll mate with any man is so old fashioned - men are more likely to want children, because they don’t factor in the care that they and the household need after.

What is more horrifying is a man sulking when he can’t use a woman’s body for his sexual gratification. And not stepping up to meet her needs that allows her to recover her libido or her seeing him as an attractive mate. What did people sprinkle on their weetabix this morning, a bit of 1950s values? Young children don’t need to be seeing their father acting like this…

Maybe I’m the odd one out for not immediately saying LTB but I do think it might be helpful to strip this all right back and try to have an open and honest conversation about your relationship as a whole, what you both would like/need and how you can focus on improving things as a whole. Relationships shouldn’t be transactional and at the moment both of you are sort of making it that way, you are saying he has to do xyz to get sex, and he is saying you have to do xyz to get what you want, if you want to improve these things you need to strip it back and lay all cards on the table

Guaranteed this is the reason so many women ask for a divorce and the man acts blindsided when she has told him for years what the problem is! If a woman is doing everything while the man is not stepping up and helping and is just expecting the woman to drop her knickers every time he clicks his fingers and going in strops like a baby when he doesn't get his way then why would the woman have any sexual desire for him at all? These men need to grow up and stop treating their partners like a sex doll while expecting her to mother them, it is not sexy and not attractive at all.

Why are you with this man? He sounds vile.

the reason I ask is because you seem to be agreeing with a lot of people who want you to think you’re the victim here

I don’t think it’s helpful for anyone to point fingers at either party. I’d assume you’re both at fault.

youre getting some terrible advice from my limited perspective here. Men have different needs than women. There’s reason trans men take hormones to become more female. We are very different beings with different ways of experiencing love and connection. Clearly there is some baggage between you both with regards to this subject , but it’s very obvious neither are considering the importance of those need for either party.

you need to sort out whether you want to stay married or not. If so, assume he never changes and maybe you do? What would you do differently? And how might he change as a result? And if doesn’t can you live with that? There are countless posts on number about men’s needs especially for sex. This isn’t new. And we as women have our own needs and I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to have the ones you do.

I'm mum of 3 and am completely touched out and stressed out constantly So I get it. I don’t want to be pawed at all the time but alternatively i’m aware I could be with someone who doesn’t want me at all. In fact, I was previously married to someone like that. And I felt completely invisible in a completely different way. You’re lucky he wants you and finds you attractive in some ways. A lot of women don’t feel that way. But it sounds like he needs to temper it just as you might need to compromise too.

Could we not start by having extra sexual play one more time? Can he offer watching movie and rubbing your back one time a week? My husband and I both realize we have buckets that need filling before need get met but that takes talking and knowing we are on the same team and being honest. Sure we don’t want it to feel transactional but sometimes that’s life isn’t it? that still feels better than what’s happening now I’d assume

talk to him and see if there is a way to get through this together without assigning blame and making a plan

Have you read anything from John gottman as you might find it helpful especially the four horsemen

This was a very good question and your answer says a lot. How you feel is how women nearly always feel when they’re subjected to sustained emotional abuse from their partners: confused and wondering if everything really is their fault.

He blames and scapegoats you, makes out you’re the problem and if only you would behave like you should, everything would be ok.

It’s the complete reverse of the truth.

HE’S the problem. He’s emotionally abusive to you: trying to coerce you into sex you don’t want, stonewalling you (the silent treatment), telling you everything’s your fault: all this is abusive behaviour.

He’s absolutely not treating you like a partner he loves, not in any way at all.

I think this will be hard for you to absorb but your situation is worse than you currently realise.

I don't think there’s any way you can communicate with him to work this out because he’s not a reasonable, loving man but a selfish, abusive one. You can’t change him into the partner you (quite reasonably) want him to be: he doesn’t want to be that person. He just wants to use you, as if you weren’t a human being yourself.

I suggest asking for your post to be moved to the Relationships board as there are more women there who understand how men like your H operate, and who will be able to support you in recognising what your situation is and how to deal with it. If/when you feel ready to face up to it.

This shows a misogynist attitude that sadly quite a few men have. Mates are for leisure and spending quality time with, not partners/wives. When they’re first going out with a woman they choose to spend time with them bc it’s a transaction for sex. But mates are separate - they’re the ones they have a laugh with and where it’s seemingly non-transactional. In longer relationships these men begin to view their partners as mother figures and we know how teenaged boys view having to spend ‘quality time’ with their mothers 🙄 it’s a wonder their partners actually want to spend time with THEM.

Some posts on here are coming up with excuses for this man’s behaviour. There are no excuses, this man is abusing his wife. How can you excuse that?

So you just jumped to blame OP's low libido, ignoring that her husband does nothing around the house or with the kids and just expects her to put out, then punishes her when she doesn't. You've also overlooked that her husband has refused to have an adult conversation about any of it. I guess in your universe women just have to suck it up, and love their husband through his immaturity and selfishness. Let's face it, he's not doing any 'navigating', is he?

If you want to save your marriage get some counselling and suggest that to your husband. If he wants to save the marriage too then he will agree to it.

If you don't you can just walk away.

I spent 20 years with a man like this. It was unbearable and I was relieved when he went. The entire marriage was about his "needs" and hobbies. I was irrelevant. Don't waste your life. They never change.

Counselling is not suitable where a partner is abusive.

Just to clarify, he's never said I had to when I didn't want it, he just shuts down and won't speak. Then says I'm selfish.

This is a form of coercion in itself, giving you the silent treatment and blaming you/namecalling if you don’t want it when he wants it. That is abusive.

The fact he stops short of all out rape (which is what it would be if he actually compelled you to have sex when he knew you didn’t want to) is hardly a glowing endorsement of his good character.

Beg to disagree, speaking as a man. I can't speak for all men, obviously, but sex makes me feel closer and no sex does the opposite. The latter has been my situation for several years, DW won't discuss it so DIY it is, as an alternative to divorce.

youre getting some terrible advice from my limited perspective here. Men have different needs than women. There’s reason trans men take hormones to become more female. We are very different beings with different ways of experiencing love and connection. Clearly there is some baggage between you both with regards to this subject , but it’s very obvious neither are considering the importance of those need for either party.

Ive read some horseshit on AIBU over the years but this one is right up there on the armchair psychology bollocks. He doesn’t need sex, he wants it. His dick doesn’t rule his brain. As for the trans bs, Jesus Christ could you be more uninformed…

And yours isn’t armchair horseshit? Show me your data and where it comes from other than anecdotal second wave feminist bullshit.

I understand what you are saying about communication, but what you're talking about is essentially bartering for services.

He isn't meeting her emotional needs, and she isn't meeting his sexual needs, if he is only going to be a caring, loving partner when he knows he can get a shag out of her then become distant and unavailable until the next time he 'needs' one, then that isn't meeting OPs needs at all, in fact it will have the opposite effect and make her feel worthless until he deems he needs her 'services'.

I can see where these problems come from, but you both have to want to meet each others needs, he doesn't want to meet hers and she doesn't want to meet his, except now he is using abusive coercive tactics, like giving her the silent treatment until she gives in, to try and force her into it.. instead of recognising that he is failing as a partner by not accepting his part in the blame, he is only interested in blaming her.

That isn't the basis of a good marriage, the trust is gone, even if he becomes caring and attentive and wants to spend time with you, you will always doubt his motives.. men are so fucking stupid at times.

Leave. How awful

But you’ve said your wife won’t discuss it, meaning presumably you (the partner who wants more sex) have tried to discuss it with her.

Thats the complete opposite of OP’s situation, where she (the partner who is less interested in sex) is trying to talk about it with her H but he refuses to do so, simply shutting down and blaming her.

It’s not the fact he wants more sex than OP that's the problem: that’s a very common scenario, especially when a couple has young children. It’s the way he’s behaving about it.

He hasn’t shown any willingness to address this as a couple; he just demands that his “needs” are met and calls her selfish.

You clearly feel your opinion is the only one that matters here and now want to bring political bs in a thread where someone is asking advice. Because you don’t like my advice or my answer you choose to attack it when you’re doing that same exact thing- express an opinion

do us all a favor and fall off your high horse

Ask him if he wants sex with someone who isn't consenting because that is what he is pushing for by trying to get sex through coercion.
Having sex with someone when you don't want to is no where near comparable to spending your time with someone when you don't want to. He should be making an effort to spend time with you and build on the relationship.

Well, at least @LostTheMarble and second wave feminists know what a trans man is, which you clearly don't. Clue: trans men are women. They take testosterone, not oestrogen, as they want to appear less female, not more. You really couldn't be more clueless.

I didn’t bring in any political bs, you mentioned trans identifying males for no reason. Your advice is harmful to women like the op, whose husband is behaving like an abusive sex pest and does nothing to earn a sexually receptive partner.