Holiday plans mess - my fault so suck it up?

[weekendersun]

A friend asked me to go on a long weekend break to a popular city abroad, to a place I've always wanted to visit. She knows the city so said she would book the hotel and we both booked our flights individually (on same flight). Hotel paid on arrival - no cancellation fee.

It's in 3 weeks time and I asked yesterday for name of hotel and whether our rooms would be near to each other and other details. To my surprise she told me it was one room and we'd be sharing. This didn't even occur to me, I'm in my 50's and not shared with anyone (apart from ex partner) and have no wish to do so. I like my own bathroom, plus I snore and I often wake in the night to make tea, read etc.

I asked friend if we could book 2 rooms but this would double the cost and she said she can't afford it. I suggested we swap to a cheaper hotel but she doesn't want to do that as likes the hotel she's booked.

She has asked that I don't go and she takes her sister instead. However flights have gone up in price and she feels it's only fair if I reimburse her sister the cost difference between the flight prices, as it's my choice not to go (her words). But I would also lose the cost of my flight as that's not refundable.

I have said I could still go with her and her sister but she's pissed off with me and not responding to my calls or texts, so don't think that's an option.

She can't understand why firstly I won't share and secondly that I'm being difficult in not accepting her alternative plans.

I'm wondering if IABU (although it would really spoil the break for me to share). I also do t think I should pay sisters costs but am I in the wrong?

Also, I don't mean to lower the tone... but I want to be able to fart freely if I want to at some point in the day.

This, also definitely don't give her any extra if she uninvites you. You shouldn't be paying anything towards the sister going it was a mistake on both your parts and you're the only one comprimising!

In the absence of prior discussion, I would have (like your friend) assumed you were sharing a room. It’s something you should have discussed.

Ridiculous! Keep your flight and book a hotel far from where she'll be. People in their 50s don't default to sharing a room like 19 year olds would.

The only decent thing for her to do is to agree to a cheaper hotel. I don't mind sharing rooms or even beds, but would be annoyed that she wants me to subsidize her. Of course we all want fancy things but can't always have them...

She lost all sympathy with me when she tried to be grabby about her sister's air fee.

Fuck her - book your own hotel and say nothing to her.

In the absence of prior discussion I would have assumed separate rooms and would expect someone to check I was happy to share.
It's why I always check and never assume.

Nothing much to add except that I feel better about myself seeing so many posters who also don't like sharing. I wasn't that keen when I was younger (but did my fair share of it) but these days I'd rather not go than share a room. However, for that reason I would have made bloody sure I had my own room when the holiday was being discussed.

She should have told you she’d booked a shared room. She’s now being unreasonable about not considering a cheaper hotel. I suggest you go on your own, book a different hotel, and definitely don’t contribute to the sister.

This isn't your fault. It's a mistake. You've proposed reasonable solutions.

Her response is really cheeky.

I think you have made a really great compromise and if she still isn't happy then that is on her!

I must say I'm quite relieved by this discussion.
I started one a few years ago because my cousin wanted to share a bed with me if I couldn't get an extra bed in the hotel room and quite a lot of people implied I was some sort of pampered princess for not being prepared to do this.

I used to share rooms when younger. Happy enough to share a room - with separate beds- if needed. But I do feel happier with my own room as I usually have a few nighttime wee trips.

I do not share except with DH. Sharing with a friend would involve sleep walking, spooning, sleep chatting and nakedness if the room was hot. No one wants that, but it isn't something I would necessarily discuss with them; I just specify that I need my own room.

Don't understand the reference to paying the increase of the sister's flight. IF you go, then your flight is being used, and you are reimbursing your friend for the cost of the bedroom, because you don't want to share. Fair enough if you want to stay friends. Although she is equally at fault for not checking with you first.

If the sister goes too to share the room, then it is entirely up to her whether she can book her own flight and pay for it, or not.

If you pay your friend your share of the double room then the sister doesn't need to go. That was only suggested because she thought you weren't going presumably, because of sharing?

Fuck it. Go on your own. Your friend is acting like an arse and it will horrible either way. No way you should bankroll her sister either.

PS - it is NOT entirely your fault. You friend should have checked. It is NOT the default situation. Everyone is different. I wouldn't share either

Exactly this.

I'm really not sure how this is your fault, why on earth didn't your friend think to check if you were OK with sharing? I would never share with friends on a holiday, I snore and more to the point, I value my alone time and privacy and would find it impossible to relax in a shared room. It would ruin a holiday for me.

As your friend is not responding to any of your suggestions and the hotel is pay on arrival with no cancellation fee, I'd let her know that if you don't hear back from her today, you will go ahead and book your own room or hotel as sharing is not an option for you and she has declined to agree to finding alternative accommodation. She is being extremely unreasonable.

It’s no one’s fault. Just lack of communication. My default would be to share a room though.

Your two original suggestions were enough. Cheaper hotel or she pays more.

With your new suggestion of paying for half her room, why does her sister need to come? It’s the same price for her as she originally thought!

I think it’s surprising shes being so stroppy. Regardless of whether it’s reasonable or not to expect to share, it’s a breakdown in communication. No more your fault than hers. I would expect her to share some of the financial burden of correcting the error you made jointly.

I'm team no way to sharing here. I need that decompression time away from other people.

The friend is v v unreasonable to have fallen out with OP just because there are different expectations.

You'd be surprised. We are supposed to share on our company annual retreat. For the last five years, I've been telling the admins to book me a separate room and that I will pay the difference, I just can't deal with that. I like my colleagues but, at age 49, need my space and don't want anyone to be talking about my snoring.

Exactly this
your tickets. You book room for yourself
so send a message in advance of booking room to say “ I am disappointed you assumed, without discussion, that I’d be willing to share a room as this is something I never do. Whilst I understand you wanted to keep your costs low and saw a room share as a cheap option, the room is cancellable and a cheaper option open to you. I am not willing to subsidise your nicer level of room for my own comfort. As I still want to make this trip I will be travelling as planned and stay in a room I’ve found. You can decide that your sister joins you, of course, but I’m not subsidising her flight. Again, if you had discussed your assumptions about room arrangements with me ahead of time that could be avoided.

but you’ll loose a “friend” - however, asking you to make up sister flight difference and loose the cost of your own flight is a big cf in my opinion. No friend lost there

next time, make sure you’re really explicit in no room shares.

She asked you not to go so that she could take her sister instead. So her sister will be sharing a room with her. I absolutely would not be paying your half of the room that she's now asked you not to use! Her sister can pay for it herself, along with her own flight cost.

All I'd do now, is what you've said, just quietly book your own hotel, and go and have a lovely trip on your own.

Thinking through some of your comments and wonder instead of offering to pay half of the double room so her sister can go, I should just offer to book a single room for my friend to use and I pay for the whole double room myself and use that.

This option would mean I get the use of the bigger, presumably nicer double room and my friend would have a smaller room but totally to herself and not pay for it?

I really don't want to lose my friendship over this.

@weekendersun I think your friend should still pay what she initially thought she was paying for - half a double room. If you choose to book another room and pay for that, then you're being incredibly generous and I don't know how she could take exception to it.

I would be wary of offering her the single room though. They are usually smaller and much less luxurious. If she is still paying her half room, then I would let her have the double.