to be sick of DP's ex wife's demands

[forestcookie]

The dc live with her primarily but DP does loads. He takes the dc to school 2 mornings a week so she can go to work early and miss the traffic, he has to be at her house for 7.45am. He picks the children up once or twice a week, depending if it's his weekend or not - has them EOW for 3 nights. He would pick them up more but he works late 3 nights a week. He is on 25k, she is on something like 40k but she has standard office hours - 9-5, no late nights etc. He is in a tiny rented 1 bedroom flat, she has a large 3 bedroom house with a garden, driveway etc. She also gets child benefit and UC help, DP doesn't see any of that.

DP has just given her £300 towards their swimming lessons and summer holiday clubs - his "half", IMO she should pay more because she earns more, and I don't know why he is paying towards childcare because UC pay for it, but he didn't want her to kick off.

Now he usually picks up the children on Wednesday nights from after school club, again this enables her to work. She has just told him that tomorrow night she is going to see a friend for dinner and won't be back until 9.30pm. DP usually likes to leave her house by 9pm so he can get home and have dinner and prepare for work the next day. DP has told her this and she has kicked off saying she doesn't have a life or time to socialise (she does). I don't think she should be going out that night anyway, because DP has to be in her house without her which I don't really like. He has offered to have the kids overnight Wednesday nights but the dc don't want this.

AIBU to tell DP to put his foot down? He is knackered all the time from working late or looking after the DC while she gets to earn more and get home late as long as he is looking after them!

Him having the kids at their home is better for them when it's until 9pm. Suck it up.

If what he contributed to doesn't fit any more, that's irrelevant

This. And I am seeing it a little differently.

If the father needs to take a job that is less paying to provide childcare (which a few nights a month and 2 school pick ups a week--- that is NOTHING), it would make sense if he is providing the appropriate 50% childcare. I mean, society still seems to expect women to do this ALL THE TIME including dropping out of the workforce to provide free, unpaid labor in the home.

He is barely doing 5% of the childcare. And we do not know if he is even paying child support.

So IMO it seems he is ok with earning less... I mean, he could get a much better job as he is not truly parenting. He has the time to do so.

So stop knocking on the mother. She is pulling MORE than her equal share and they BOTH has the kids.

And like most have already said-- none of your business. That is his to manage. If you do not want these complications, and a BF that earns a higher income that he can invest more in you, do not date men with children. That is on you.

Paying ‘half’ the cost of the children isnt just a blanket rule… if someone earns £250k and the other parent £30k, they can never be 50/50 whether they’re a couple or separated.

Now the income disparity here isn’t quite that level, but there’s still a difference. If mum wants to buy the DC expensive things that he can’t afford how is he supposed to pay for it?

Many children in low income households only have basic needs met unfortunately, and this guy has a low income household. Everyone saying things like ‘he should pull his socks up’ and get a higher paid job… oh yeah that’s so easy, just go out and earn 6 figures!

Not being rude but your sounding like a hater and it not any of your business how much she earns or how she lives he’s only your boyfriend not your husband pray for yourself and worry about getting your money up to help him out if that’s the case hun !!!

I think that maybe having a DP that has existing children is not for you OP. You are absolutely clueless and I can only hope you’re not single parenting one day, you will be in for a hell of a shock.

put this one back for his sake and for yours and move on to the next victim.

This all falls apart when you acknowledge that the ex wife isn’t demanding he pay half for expensive things he can’t afford and he did have a job earning significantly more which he chose to leave, apparently for his kids but I’m struggling to see any way in which it was for their benefit really as he doesn’t see them more and just financially contributes less.

She mentioned about going to a more expensive gym pool for swimming rather than council pool so I guess that’s one example. Minimum wage earners would probably have to go to the council pool!

Yes I also don’t understand why he has taken lower paid work so I agree this is odd. Only makes sense if the parents had agreed he would do this and pick up more childcare duties, feels strange if it wasn’t discussed between them when he made that change.

He doesn't do loads let's be honest he's not even a part time parent when he has them 6 days a month when she has them the other 25 !! You sound resentful that some of his time and money is going to his children not you you need to find someone without baggage because you sound ridiculous and childish

She doesn't get CB - the children do, irrespective of which parent they live with.

If she is earning £40k a year she definitely doesn't get Universal Credit. You need to be sure of your facts if you are going to say anything to him. Better still, don't say anything - he's not actually paying that much towards the children. She may be earning more - that doesn't mean he can contribute less.

@forestcookie he is their parent as much as she is. He doesn't have them 50/50 he has them less. Her earning more is none of your business, nor his and it's not relevant unless he is their primary care giver which he is not-his ex is.
To simplify, you wouldn't say to a restaurant owner "that lady over there earns more than me so I should pay less for my food!" Also on childcare, her mother having the kids or any childcare arrangements that she makes does not mean their father should parent less 🤦🏼‍♀️ why the heck would it?! I'm baffled at your reasoning

Honestly you sound bitter and jealous.
Your boyfriend doesn't really contribute much to the children, time or money wise. Having an issue because she has her mum pick up the kids sometimes is nothing to do with you or your boyfriend, she's arranged help because she's out there working to provide for her kids. Likewise, you seemingly having and issue that she's consolidated her hours into 4 days is nothing to do with you. She's doing what she has to do to provide a decent life for herself and her children, with minimal help from their father.
You say you don't want your own kids, but tbh it sounds like a relationship without step kids would suit you better. Whether it's your current boyfriend, or any other man you just don't seem to grasp how much a mother has to do, or what your partner should be doing.

And let's be real, saying she needs to provide clothing for his house because you saw their pjs were £35. She could have got them on sale, as a gift, 2nd hand, even if she did spend that much it isn't your business. I can only imajow you'd act towards her if you did meet the kids and become established in their lives.

Well that thread didn’t go as planned 😂

So, to sum up what almost every single reply is saying;

1. You are jealous of his ex and full of spite because her lifestyle seems to be better than yours. Grow up. If you want a change in lifestyle, work towards it like she did. Don't depend on your brokeass, deadbeat little bitch of a boyfriend to give it to you.

2. You know nothing about childrearing or what it costs to raise them. Shut up about her parenting and choices. Mind your own damn business.

3. Your boyfriend hardly does anything for his kids and does not contribute financially to any acceptable degree. To say he does "loads" is bullshit. The only loads are the ones he puts in you when he uses you for a fucktoy.

4. He doesn't want you around his kids. That suggests he is leading you on if he's saying he wants something permanent. He probably realizes you aren't exactly the maternal type. He may even want to get his ex back, which you suspect and are jealous of.

5. He is not going to be able to afford a house and the pittance he pays for his kids every now and then isn't the reason. Get a clue FFS.

6. Find somebody without kids, because you'd make a horrible step-mother if he ever decided to have a real relationship with you. The relationship you have now isn't serious and you're kidding yourself. He's using you.

7. His complaints about having to pay anything towards his children are contemptible. His complaints about his ex are nonsense. He sucks. You deserve each other, but the kids deserve much better than him.

Did I miss anything?

So there you have it OP. The jury has come in. It's time to accept the verdict.

He sounds like a good guy and is working with his ex to support the children. However when you say he is doing ‘loads’ he really isn’t…

I don’t really know why you’re so worked up about it, isn’t the fact he is working with his ex and being there for his kids a positive trait in a partner? Are you quite young and childless?

Then you have a dp problem not an ex problem. If DP is staying past her getting home then she is free to do what she wants when he is there. If you are uncomfortable with him being at her home with his kids then that is on him. He could take them to his house and he doesn’t so that’s that.

He's earning 25k, getting help with his rent, he has a lump sum from when the ex bought him out and he doesn't pay maintenance because he doesn't earn enough apparently, he clearly hasn't declared his whole income or his lump sum or he wouldn't be getting any help with his rent.

He's paid her £300 twice this year by the sounds of it, of course he can afford that, he clearly just resents having to pay anything towards his kids.

I wouldn't see this man as a good guy or think it was a positive trait seeing as he appears to constantly moaning whenever he had to do any parenting or make any financial contributions.
Sounds like whatever he's doing he's doing it reluctantly, and making out he's doing favours for the ex. Definitely not a positive trait.

I didn’t get that vibe from the post. It sounded to me like he was trying and it was the OP moaning.

I retract my statement…I didn’t read the whole thread and have just seen other things the OP has said. They both sound like idiots.

fair play to the ex for making sure SHE is financially able to provide for her kids.

@FTMaz
The fact that she knows absolutely everything about the exes finances and how much her house has went up in value and what pjyamas she's sending the kids in etc (despite never meeting them) makes me believe her boyfriend has to be the one telling her all this information, and I can't see why he'd be telling her if he wasn't complaining!

Agreed. He should be happy that his ex lives in a nice house and can raise the children there. I think OP must be quite young.

She's 29,she says earlier in the thread. And doesn't want kids, which is probably a good thing, as she doesn't seem to have any insight into the responsibilities of being a parent. Or empathy towards the kids and their mother.

And to close the post at 1000 😃