to be sick of DP's ex wife's demands

[forestcookie]

The dc live with her primarily but DP does loads. He takes the dc to school 2 mornings a week so she can go to work early and miss the traffic, he has to be at her house for 7.45am. He picks the children up once or twice a week, depending if it's his weekend or not - has them EOW for 3 nights. He would pick them up more but he works late 3 nights a week. He is on 25k, she is on something like 40k but she has standard office hours - 9-5, no late nights etc. He is in a tiny rented 1 bedroom flat, she has a large 3 bedroom house with a garden, driveway etc. She also gets child benefit and UC help, DP doesn't see any of that.

DP has just given her £300 towards their swimming lessons and summer holiday clubs - his "half", IMO she should pay more because she earns more, and I don't know why he is paying towards childcare because UC pay for it, but he didn't want her to kick off.

Now he usually picks up the children on Wednesday nights from after school club, again this enables her to work. She has just told him that tomorrow night she is going to see a friend for dinner and won't be back until 9.30pm. DP usually likes to leave her house by 9pm so he can get home and have dinner and prepare for work the next day. DP has told her this and she has kicked off saying she doesn't have a life or time to socialise (she does). I don't think she should be going out that night anyway, because DP has to be in her house without her which I don't really like. He has offered to have the kids overnight Wednesday nights but the dc don't want this.

AIBU to tell DP to put his foot down? He is knackered all the time from working late or looking after the DC while she gets to earn more and get home late as long as he is looking after them!

Did YOU also walk into a lamp-post? He doesn't pay for his kids. Won't sort out clothes for them. Your bar is low if you think that's being a good dad.

Not only is he not "a good dad" - he's a whiny, wife-blaming, maintenance dodging knob. She is not "lucky to have him" - she doesn't "have" him, clearly. If he was serious about her in any way he would have introduced his children to her after two years.

Tut tut, that's so 1950s. It's chimney work they need.

I'd argue it was incredibly selfish of the ex wife having these kids without forwardly thinking of the husbands next relationship and house deposit she's definitely done this on purpose! At this rate he'll of spend £1000 by the end of the year!! What vultures!!

He really doesn't sound like a good dad.
He won't pay maintenance and has clearly lied about his outgoings to avoid it, on 25k he would be paying something, he's also getting help with his rent despite having a lump sum from when his ex wife bought him out so he must not have declared that either.
He pays towards things reluctantly and makes out he's going above and beyond because he shouldn't have to pay for anything and then he goes back to the OP and details all about the exes finances or else how would she know?
He has them EOW and does a couple of collections or drop offs and whines non stop to the OP about it making out he's been taken advantage of and that he's so tired and needs a life.

Would you think a woman was being a good mother if she only had her kids that much and moaned about it all the time? Or if she refused to pay maintenance and then begrudged the financial contributions she did make. Would you think she was a good mother if she acted like any parenting she did was to pick up the dads slack and that she was doing him favours?

Oh do me a favour! He's an utterly shit dad! If that's your bar for good parenting, I feel very sorry for your children.

Hahahahahaha HA. No.

What? Are you on glue?

Yes. He is a fantastic father. Really top notch...... if you compare him to Fred West.

In my mind, the phrase 'good dad' is an insult. It's only used by people who have an exceptionally low bar and use it to refer to a dad who takes a kid to the park occasionally or to football.

Based purely on her posts the OP seems to be every bit as ghastly as her 'D'P. I am very glad that at least he has kept his DC away from her to date as she seems a most unsuitable person to be around them; that looks to be one of the very few things he is doing right as a father.

He doesn't see her as long term, that's why she's not met the children in two years. He's not as invested as she is. Regardless of his shit parenting, I do wonder if he's still far more involved with his wife than he has admitted and is hoping for a way back. OP, while an absolute piece of work, is quite possibly being done over with all the sob stories. I do hope she stays away from children.

@TheFormidableMrsC I agree that the Op is being done over by her partner. Hopefully she’ll learn a valuable life lesson to not be so easily manipulated by sob stories from men about their exs. And to not have the wool pulled over her eyes about commitment that’s not really there.

You got yourself a lazy bum and potential cock lodger. imagine having a couple kids with him and then he ditches and pays you nothing and does nothing.

Surely you can find somebody better than this deadbeat

Maybe, but in this case she knows the details of the 'sob stories'. A lot of the time the sob stories would be more vague.

It's not like he's telling her that ALL of his wages go to the ex because she demands it for the kids...and then the OP believes he's genuinely giving a huge chunk of his wages to the ex for the kids.

She knows he's contributing fuck all, a measly £300 recently and the last £300 at Easter and the OP is outraged about it.

Or it's not like he's saying that he's non stop looking after the kids and always being asked to stay late and to do this and do that and go there, and take them every weekend and whenever suits her.
She KNOWS he only has them EOW, and then does a couple of drop offs and pick ups and that's it and then she acts outraged when one time the ex asks him to stay for an extra 30 minutes.

Oh my god. Hopefully this is a wind up. If not, you’re woefully naive and in for trouble in the future. You boyfriend has become self employed to avoid paying maintenance, does not provide a bedroom for his children and refuses to buy a few items of clothing for the rare night he actually has his children to stay over.

Speaking as the ex of someone who decided two years ago that he just didnt want to be married anymore, I've read through OP's posts in wide-eyed amazement at the astonishing sense of entitlement. Some thoughts of mine:

1. None of this is any of your business. Literally none of it.
2. Your DP has chosen to take a job with a salary low enough that he doesn't have to pay the statutory minimum dictated by CMS. That's nice of him. This is his choice.
3. If your DP wants his kids to have clothes at his place, he needs to buy them. Who the heck do you think you are, casting aspersions on what their mother spends on their pyjamas!?
4. When the children are with either parent, childcare is their responsibility. If the ex has made arrangements for her school runs to be done by someone else, that's her business. Your DP can do the same.
5. Commenting on her salary, holidays or anything else is rude. What she earns and how she has got to that level is none of your business, or his. Opining on this makes you and your DP sound bitter. I can pass you some ketchup for the chips on your shoulders if that makes you feel better.
6. Your "DP" (although I'd love to understand how you are 'partnered' when he wants to continue having two lives, one of which you're not a part) needs to grow a spine if he disagrees with having to take his own children to their friends' birthday parties.
7. None of this is your business. Literally none of it.

Grow up.

This has got to be a wind-up. How far the bar of "good" has dropped.

I don’t think we will get another reply from OP now - the consensus is massively YABU.

What I will say is with the slating of dad - yes he is certainly not contributing enough , but he may not be moaning about what he’s doing . It does sound very much like it’s OP who has the problem. Mum may be happy with the set up and happy with the contributions . I have no money from my one child’s dad - I don’t think he should as he has DC 3 nights per week and provides well … no cash to me but DC wants for nothing . I have another DC whose dad gives me £20 per week. I actually told him not to pay anything for a long time as DC got DLA and tax credits also went up and when that happened the ex wasn’t earning much and I felt like I had enough , ex was a great father and had DC twice per week and treated them well . Eventually he forced me to take something , because he didn’t “ feel like a man “ so I said £20 .

@LanaL
She seems to know an awful lot of detail about the exes schedule and finances and the fact that they went to her boyfriends with 'Frugi' pjs and she's never even met them so either he's telling the OP all of this stuff or the OP is a super stalker looking up her wages and house prices in the area and zooming in on pics of the kids to see what brand of Pyjamas they're wearing.
I don't think the boyfriend would be telling the OP all of that information if he wasn't moaning.

The boyfriend is definitely moaning. The ex is the third person in their relationship.

I don't think this relationship is for you OP. If the children are only primary age, you mention that one of them is 6, that is a long time until they finish education. You really need to ask yourself - if you don't want kids (no issues there, it's a choice) why get involved with a man with two young ones? I cannot see you easing your attitude if you get to move in together or buy a house.

I am all for not rushing to introduce 'another new Uncle/Aunty' to the kids but in two years, it's odd that you've not met the children. He may have a one bedroomed flat but you could all go out to a playground, for an ice cream. Pizzas at your place. It doesn't have to be a sleepover or nothing - you don't even live together.

As for the pyjamas - when I was single I would buy my friend's kids White Company PJs and baby UGGs as gifts. Don't assume she bought them. Not that it's any or your business.

I am assuming the ex would send clothes over to the boyfriend and they would be lost or not returned. The ex is right, clothes can be picked up easily in supermarkets, he can buy cheap bundles on market place, charity shops or Ebay.

I will say it again. I don't think this man and his situation is for you.

Good luck OP

From what I am reading here, you are encouraging your partner/ boyfriend, to take a less active role in parenting his own children? This is so, utterly, utterly wrong. Stop.

Just read all your posts @forestcookie. I’d suggest you do the same. You are very unhappy, you resent the kids and you’ve drunk the ex wife Kool Aid. You are also jealous of the ex wife’s house, salary, social life and begrudge her any little support or flexibility that might make being a mum easier.

What you can’t see but the rest of us can is that the ex out classes your boyfriend in every way and she’s better off without him dragging her down.

If your boyfriend wants to take his kids to Centre Parcs, he needs a better job. He doesn’t get to skip out on paying the necessities of feeding, clothing, housing and educating them so he can afford a holiday.

Let the ex live her life in her towel, she doesn’t want the loser you’re saddled with now.

Very well said 👏👏

I am very glad that OP has no relationship with the children. She is poisonous.