to be sick of DP's ex wife's demands

[forestcookie]

The dc live with her primarily but DP does loads. He takes the dc to school 2 mornings a week so she can go to work early and miss the traffic, he has to be at her house for 7.45am. He picks the children up once or twice a week, depending if it's his weekend or not - has them EOW for 3 nights. He would pick them up more but he works late 3 nights a week. He is on 25k, she is on something like 40k but she has standard office hours - 9-5, no late nights etc. He is in a tiny rented 1 bedroom flat, she has a large 3 bedroom house with a garden, driveway etc. She also gets child benefit and UC help, DP doesn't see any of that.

DP has just given her £300 towards their swimming lessons and summer holiday clubs - his "half", IMO she should pay more because she earns more, and I don't know why he is paying towards childcare because UC pay for it, but he didn't want her to kick off.

Now he usually picks up the children on Wednesday nights from after school club, again this enables her to work. She has just told him that tomorrow night she is going to see a friend for dinner and won't be back until 9.30pm. DP usually likes to leave her house by 9pm so he can get home and have dinner and prepare for work the next day. DP has told her this and she has kicked off saying she doesn't have a life or time to socialise (she does). I don't think she should be going out that night anyway, because DP has to be in her house without her which I don't really like. He has offered to have the kids overnight Wednesday nights but the dc don't want this.

AIBU to tell DP to put his foot down? He is knackered all the time from working late or looking after the DC while she gets to earn more and get home late as long as he is looking after them!

he shouldn't have to pay for 2x new wardrobes for them when the kids are only at his flat 2 weekends a month and they have more than enough clothes at their mum's house that DP has contributed to in the past!!!

She gave him loads over christmas and said she wouldn't be packing clothes for the kids any more and he will have to buy them from now on if he wants to keep clothes at his flat. Almost all of the clothes are too small now.

I probably shouldn't keep replying as it seems this poster is too wilfully ignorant to be real, but

a) she did already give him loads of clothes, and guess what, as children grow rapidly, the clothes will need to be replaced as they grow. Your boyfriend is responsible for buying the clothes that live at his house, not his ex.

b) from what I can tell your boyfriend and his ex separated at least two years ago, and probably more like three or four. So any clothes he contributed to in the past will be well and truly too small to be of any use now. The clothes the ex has now will have been paid for out of her own pocket so your boyfriend has no claim at all on them.

God's...you sound naive to the point I think you're a teenage girlfriend, or someone in there extremely early 20's with no kids.

You need to crawl out from under that rock and get your head out of your backside, or scuttle off somewhere there aren't children involved.

Of course he's complaining to you; he's playing the victim card and gaslighting his Ex-wife. You're hanging on to every word because you're more than likely jealous.

For the love of all that's holy - Do not have children with your boyfriend. Do not have any until you can grow up.

Jesus. Utterly clueless.

@forestcookie I have twice (in the past) been in long term relationships with men who have children from previous relationships. Even when we lived together I maintained the boundary that I would completely stay out of the co parenting relationship they had with the ex. I also made it clear that bitching about the ex (out of respect for the children) was not appropriate and I didn’t want to hear it or get involved.

In my experience the men who complained about their ex/acted as a victim of unreasonable ex, would do that to you the moment you separated regardless of how nice, reasonable, respectful etc. you were. It’s a massive red flag when a man plays upon your sympathy by portraying himself as a victim of his unreasonable, demanding ex. Especially when he has children with her.

Children never benefit from parents who regard each other as enemies and it’s always made so much worse when a parent ropes other people in to take their side.

Out of consideration for the children don’t get involved in any disputes or disagreements between their parents. Stay absolutely neutral. Focus only on your own relationship with him. Have healthy boundaries. And for your own sake, every time he wants to complain or bad mouth his ex, tell him that you don’t want to get involved.

I actually was very much warming to you until this comment Re “has to rooe in her ex and mum to pick up” uhm. That is your exs job as their father. It’s not about “being roped in and looking after DC over the summer, he helped create them, sadly things didn’t work out, but he still is 50% responsible.
And I’d be giving the mother of your DPs children a little more respect than slating the woman all over MN.

Get the hell away from this man. For your sake. For his kids' sake, most of all. And even for his sake. This is a fucking car crash of a relationship. You hate his ex, and have zero chance of connecting with his kids. Just stop. Now.

Honestly, I have never read a thread with an OP that is this awful. A few things that stood out to me -
-The 'father' took a lower paying job - Why? just why? he should be working his a$$ off to support the kids. He also chose to move away from where his kids live. My ex moved 20 minutes away from us (I stayed in suburb) and he manages to do 50/50 just fine. (A lot of driving for him but thats the way it goes).
-The mothers salary is not 'high.' If she lives in an area with high living costs, it is not a huge amount to run a family home. Also, most workplaces now are family friendly, and she didn't get to be successful by having 'lucky breaks.' Generally people become successful at work by working hard. Compressing into a 4 day week - 5 days work in 4 days, and Fridays she prob does things such as chores she doesn't get time for M-Th cos shes busy running a household with no partner to take on some of the load,
-She has 'let herself go.' Wow. just wow. So nasty. And why shouldn't she go out and enjoy herself?
-How do you know the expensive clothes/pyjamas aren't gifts, second hand, hand me downs from friends?

this post stinks of jealousy and resentment. You have no idea the cost of bringing up kids plus the emotional and physical costs. Your dp absolutely should be paying CMS REGULARLY and not the odd shared payment for activities but as well as. He earns £25k which is to support just him. She earns £40k but has to support 3 people and anyone on here can confirm kids aren’t cheap. He has them four nights a month and she has them 26-27 nights a month. Clothes, food, keeping a house over their heads, heat, water, petrol, the list is never ending. You seem to have no concept and sound about 12!
Butt out of things that aren’t your business. There’s clearly more of a reason that you haven’t met his kids yet

I think people keep saying they feel sorry for the children because of two reasons.

1: Your DP.

2: You.

I really hope that the responses on this thread helps you to see a bit more clearly. For the kids sake more than anyone else’s. But you’ll really bring more peace to your own life if you just let a lot of this go. Maybe try therapy which could help you to unpack the underlying reasons for you feeling the way you do.

99% of what you have complained about is absolutely none of your business.

she did already give him loads of clothes, and guess what, as children grow rapidly, the clothes will need to be replaced as they grow. Your boyfriend is responsible for buying the clothes that live at his house, not his ex

OP's take on this : It's an outrage that children continue to grow and their father should have to buy them clothes for when they are with him. HOW DARE THEY 🤣

Just ewww. Grow up mate.

So his ex doesn’t supply a full wardrobe for his house as well as her own? That’s because she’s not his wife, and he needs to parent his own children. For gods sake.

@forestcookie I genuinely hope that this post is some sort of a joke, or attempt to obtain attention (predominantly negative) on your part.

Never in my life have I read anything so delusional as some of your replies on here!

I pity these poor children if their father has any intention on pursuing and further a relationship with you!

Comments like she does not make any effort with her appearance- why should she? Who says a woman needs to be done up to the 9’s every minute of every day- and why on earth would she bother when she is either at home or work - which is when your DP sees her.

Your DP is a parent - he should provide for his children, you are beyond delusional if you think it is his ex’s responsibility to pack clothes for the children to spend time with their father- they are not going on holiday or a short break- they are going to their dads- it is his responsibility to be a parent - he is not baby sitting he is parenting!

Your attitude towards this poor woman is abysmal you are insensitive at best - nasty in the majority of your speaking of her.

Being a Parent is a 24/7 job not 3 nights every other week, he takes his children to school- so he should! He collects his children from school- again so he should - he pays half of their clubs etc - so he should - regardless of her earnings why on earth should she pay more than him, she is already parenting more than he is why should she be financially penalised for his pathetic parenting.

what he should be doing is paying regular maintenance money for his children - he clearly has purposely reduced his hours to avoid paying maintenance- this is not the behaviour of a good parent. His housing costs his lifestyle his debt etc is not and should not be taken into account when the monthly allowance is decided those are all his own problem not that of his ex or children. He should be paying her what he is due for the children!

I hope for these children’s sake you never have an active role in their lives - their poor Mother would need to work twice as hard to eliminate any influence you have on them!

Children are not a hobby your DP can just pass off onto his ex when he’s bored of adulting!

you however need to have a long hard look at yourself - your first priority should be the wellbeing and happiness of these children even though you are (thankfully) not an active participant in their lives you should still be prioritising them!!

Properly laughing at your outage over the clothes. She reasonably told him to buy clothes for his kids but still gave him a load to begin with. And yet she’s still the arsehole 😆

I don't think having the kids stay over is unreasonable if she wants to have a night out. He seems to be dancing very much to her tune still. He needs to be firm and not just look after the kids when it suits her.

I think a large part of the problem of why OP won’t take on board or respond to posts pointing out the obvious - that she is very wrong, is that it seems that a large part of her ‘relationship’ with her bf is based on bitching about his ex. To know so much detail about things, and to clearly see her bf as the hard done by victim…this has clearly come from him and she’s happy to rub his back and join sides against the common enemy, because she doesn’t have the first fucking clue about raising children. If you take that away from her, I’d imagine her relationship would be pretty empty.

In fairness to the OP, it's the children's fault for insisting on growing. They really should have had the decency to stop growing so their father would have to pay even less towards them than he currently does and could put more money towards a deposit for a house for himself and OP. It's bad enough that they're already having the nerve to go to birthday parties and wanting to have swimming lessons in a warm pool.

Wow your DP sounds like a part time dad whos full of excuses and you sound just as bad

He should be paying 50% of everything because those kids are 50% his. End of story.

I'd also suggest those children get up and walk themselves to school and get a paper round and buy their own clothes so they are not leeching off their poor father I bet he's bone tired he's stretched to he's limit 😴

That’s part of being a parent! The ex does the majority of the parties by the sound of it! I don’t thinking picking up a card and putting £10 in is that big a deal. You seem to think he’s doing her a favour all the time . They are HIS 50% responsibility both financially and physically.

God's...you sound naive to the point I think you're a teenage girlfriend, or someone in there extremely early 20's with no kids.

OP says she's 29. Which is quite frightening, really.

If the OP is for real, I hope she never meets the kids. She'll analyse everything they do and use it as proof that they're spoiled brats (and, of course, this will all be their mother's fault, not their father's).

Sounds like he's being a good dad. Unfortunately that takes a big time commitment. I can't bring myself to call you unreasonable, but he's doing his best to maintain a relationship with his kids. Well done him. You're lucky to have him.0

I am struggling to believe this is real. The OP seems to think either the mother or other peoples’ taxes should pay for her boyfriend’s kids so they themselves can save for a deposit unhindered by any kind of responsibility.
The ex allegedly should be grateful because this (underperforming) father does a few pick up and drop offs. The ex apparently no longer works full time because she has condensed her full time working hours into 4 days. Either this is a wind up or we are reaching new heights of entitlement and lows of male parental responsibility expectations.
As for the jealousy, just please stop it for your own sake.
Your bf had 2 children HE now needs to pay for half of ALL of their financial costs and to undertake half of the work that parenting entails. It is unbelievable that as a woman you expect everything to be solely and dutifully carried out, without complaint, by the mother.

If that was you trying to be amusing then you failed. If that was you being serious then I have no words