to be sick of DP's ex wife's demands

[forestcookie]

The dc live with her primarily but DP does loads. He takes the dc to school 2 mornings a week so she can go to work early and miss the traffic, he has to be at her house for 7.45am. He picks the children up once or twice a week, depending if it's his weekend or not - has them EOW for 3 nights. He would pick them up more but he works late 3 nights a week. He is on 25k, she is on something like 40k but she has standard office hours - 9-5, no late nights etc. He is in a tiny rented 1 bedroom flat, she has a large 3 bedroom house with a garden, driveway etc. She also gets child benefit and UC help, DP doesn't see any of that.

DP has just given her £300 towards their swimming lessons and summer holiday clubs - his "half", IMO she should pay more because she earns more, and I don't know why he is paying towards childcare because UC pay for it, but he didn't want her to kick off.

Now he usually picks up the children on Wednesday nights from after school club, again this enables her to work. She has just told him that tomorrow night she is going to see a friend for dinner and won't be back until 9.30pm. DP usually likes to leave her house by 9pm so he can get home and have dinner and prepare for work the next day. DP has told her this and she has kicked off saying she doesn't have a life or time to socialise (she does). I don't think she should be going out that night anyway, because DP has to be in her house without her which I don't really like. He has offered to have the kids overnight Wednesday nights but the dc don't want this.

AIBU to tell DP to put his foot down? He is knackered all the time from working late or looking after the DC while she gets to earn more and get home late as long as he is looking after them!

stay out of it and dump him if it’s going to be an issue, but don’t get in the way of him fulfilling his parental duties no matter how unreasonable you may find them.

Sounds like co parenting to me! In fact if anything he is doing a lot less than she is. Is he paying maintenance? If not that that’s even worse and the the £300 is nothing

What she earns is completely irrelevant. They are not a couple so they don’t share their income. Good for her if she has a reasonably paid job - it’s not her fault your DP is on minimum wage. He’s got 3 children to support do is about time he pulls his finger out and earns enough to support them. He should be paying half of the cost to bring up their children. Do you not get that?!?

OP you are coming across as reallly bitter.

The only problem I can see here is the her walking around half naked issue. Which only seems yo bother you.

Thee childcare arrangement is none of your business. The DF should want to spend time with his kids and if that means hanging about in his old home for the sake of his kids, then so be it. The kids won't like the idea as they are too young to understand but one day will be eternally grateful to their dad who accomodated them.

The money issue again isn't really your concern. The money spent will go towards enriching his kids life. Again, his children will see the effort put forward by their father and will cherish it.

So it means it will take longer to move but they are only little for a while, those experiences soon calm down. Plus I really think you should meet them beforre buying a house, trapping them in a situation, that if they don't like you, everyone will suffer.

Also, the hating on their mother has to stop. Hating her won't channge your situation. You obsess overr the indifferences in your situations and blow it all out of proportion. So what if she has more money than you. So what if yyou feel he tries to control the sittuation. The more yyou obsess, the more he hs controol over you.

You must really wwnt this man, personallly he sounds liike too much maintenance.

“and I don't know why he is paying towards childcare because UC pay for it”

You clearly have no idea what it takes to raise children. You sound spoilt, naive and silly. Get a boyfriend without baggage as you clearly aren’t mature enough to know that a dad should put his kids first. Well done to him for not shirking his responsibilities as a new gf predictably feels put out.

They're his kids, get over it! He should be doing his bit to enable her to work. If she earns more that not her fault!

OP, do yourself and your partner a favour and end this relationship.

Having been with a partner with a SERIOUSLY demanding ex ( think independently wealthy and wanting ME to help fund a fifth holiday within 10 months for their children as my DP couldn’t afford it), it’s unlikely to get better.

To be fair your DP doesn’t sound like he is doing anything excessive in supporting his children. The ex will always try to get what she thinks is the best deal for her children. She probably feels hard done by because she does the majority of childcare.

Your resentment of his ex is extreme ( criticising her for working compressed hours therefore having a ‘day off’, when she probably spends most of that day catching up on household tasks) will just eat away at you.

Being with someone who has baggage is not for everyone, and it certainly doesn’t seem right for you.

Stay out of it: it’s not your concern. Until you start caring for his kids as a step mum it has nothing to do with you.

I do hope that never happens. At 29 she shouldn't be this thick. It's absolutely shocking. I've been through same with my ex and his OW who told me that I was "greedy" to expect more than £100 a month maintenance for our disabled child while sending hers to an exclusive private school. The truth is OP wants him to dump his kids so that she can have the life she thinks she deserves. I am still wondering why he's not introduced the children after two years. I am guessing he doesn't want her to meet them. Wonder why 🙄.

does partner claim UC as low wage and paying childcare? You haven't met the kids in 2 years? when are you going to meet them? when they head off to uni? it will get harder to meet them the older they get as they will be cross that they were lied to. think you should just cut your losses here. his kids come first as they should.

He's the dad - that's his role. You are most definitely being unreasonable (and so is he - sounds like he's doing the bare minimum)

Wow I’ve never come across anyone so jealous and bitter sounding about the man you loves children. I’m sorry OP but they will always, rightly so be his main priority, they’re small right now so they aren’t going anywhere for a very long time.

You also haven't met them in 2 years? I understand there not being room at DP flat etc but have you not had a day out or a trip to the park to meet them when they’ve been staying? Do they even know about you? You’re planning on buying a house? So what are the children just going to come and stay for the weekends with their dad and just be introduced to you there and then- a stranger in a new house? Same goes for you- learning to step parent children you’ve never met in your new house with DP. All sounds odd to me.

as for the ex wife, I’m sorry but how do you know what she earns and so much detail about her? She sounds like a mother doing what she needs to do to raise her children solo, it takes a village and don’t forget your DP helped bring those children into the world therefore yes he is hugely responsible for them, he isn’t a babysitter he is a father.

I think you need to address the green eyed monster that’s engulfed you OP

Knows he can’t expose the kids to her but wants his dick sucked and dinner cooked…

Its a tale as old as time.

Wow so this was some what infuriating to read.
You clearly have no concept of how expensive it is to raise children, which to be fair I wouldn’t have done before I had them. 40k is not a HIGH salary. To run a house and raise two kids (financially) alone it sounds like she’s doing a great job. PJs could have been a present from a family member? Could have been on sale? It’s really non of your business how she spends her money. I’m really impressed that she can afford regular holidays to center parcs, she must be extremely good at budgeting as that’s expensive on a relatively low household income. She’s also having to pay food for 3 and higher bills than him.
Clothing, activities, food, school trips. I’ve spent a couple of hundred on DD back to school clothes and I haven’t even tackled the most expensive part (shoes) yet! It adds up quickly!
So he’s given her £300 twice this year?!
Big whoop! 😂
I can assure you she isn’t making a profit off him! I’m genuinely surprised he doesn’t have to make regular payments. As others have said even people on benefits have to.
It’s great she’s getting her Mum to help as that’s saving on childcare costs.
Also didn’t go to bed until 9…when she was out? So he was in charge? So clearly that’s something he needs to be stricter on?
He would realistically need 3 pairs of pjs per kid and 3-4 outfits. Tell him to get on Vinted. Will cost him hardly anything. She doesn’t need to provide clothes for his house. She gave him warning and time to sort it. Now tbf I might send some of their old stuff that I wasn’t going to put them in anyways if I had some spare but I wouldn’t be going out to buy clothes for his house.
If he needs the children to stay at his on Wednesday then he should insist that they do, they are children.
You and your partner are earning way more combined than she is. Also 2 tax free allowances etc. Maybe moving in together rather than paying for 2 houses would make it easier. Then by your definitions of incomes you’d be theoretically loaded.
Having kids is expensive, tiring, hard work.
He doesn’t sound a bad Dad at all.
He’s not quite doing his fair share but it sounds like he’s at least trying to help out a bit. They are his children. His responsibility and hers equally.
As I said I don’t completely blame you for your ignorance. I would have had no clue really before I had my own children. It’s hard to explain how much hard work and expense they bring.
Don’t say anything.

Time for a grown up family meeting. All involved in the care of the children need to work out a fair and workable routine with the needs of the children first. Ask them what they would like and try and put work and relationships in around that

Perhaps read the thread.

😂😂

Do loads=looks after his own kids.

If he is earning £25k there is no way CMS have said he does not need to pay anything for two kids. You mentioned about him being self employed so he is clearly lying to the taxman about his earnings and not declaring the £25k to avoid paying his fair share of tax and CMS.
also if she is earning £40k it is very unlikely that she is getting a huge amount if anything from UC.

It's nothing to.do. with you at all. Keep out of it. They will.always be entwined until the children are grown ups. If you don't like.it, then.leave.the relationship. If your boyfriend is.on a crap salary.and.living in a tiny bedsit, that's on him isn't it?! Its got nothing to.do with his maintence. Its not his.ex fault that shes mire successful.

I think you shouldn't say this out loud to anyone other than 'DP' (although I am not convinced this isn't the 'P' in the story)
Views like yours could ostracise you from friends.
I think you may need them when you truely see this man and realise the story he told you was actually bullshit.
The mother in this story is getting on with her life, raising their children, going to work and keeping her home going.
I can see no need for vitriol from you to her at all.

She’s probably too busy looking after her children considering the pitiful time their father has them, to be concerned about her appearance
you sound like an absolute nightmare.

If DP had the children full time she would have to pay £150-200 a week to him I think. I do not believe that they cost £800 a month thats absurd. They are primary school aged not teenagers

🤣🤣 she earns £40k. She absolutely wouldn’t have to pay £800 a month to CMS if he had them full time! On £40k it works out around £450-£500 month

This… £25k salary and having the kids on average 4-6 nights a month means he should be paying around £280 a month

he’s lying to you. There’s no way the CMS says he doesn’t earn enough 🙄 he’s fiddling the system, like majority of men who are self employed in this scenario. If you’re happy to be with a man who fiddles his income to avoid paying for his kids, shame on you. Embarrassing

The more I've read the more mental it gets. Yes he should fork out as you put it for the parties, it's his weekend they are also his responsibility.

I would do the same regarding childcare if he doesn't pay maintenance towards his children on a monthly basis. It just sounds like you're in a mood about him having to pay for his children because you want to save up and move. Sorry but the children come first, and what she's asked isn't unreasonable. And it's non of your business how she manages her finances and how much the pj's cost that she buys them.