to be sick of DP's ex wife's demands

[forestcookie]

The dc live with her primarily but DP does loads. He takes the dc to school 2 mornings a week so she can go to work early and miss the traffic, he has to be at her house for 7.45am. He picks the children up once or twice a week, depending if it's his weekend or not - has them EOW for 3 nights. He would pick them up more but he works late 3 nights a week. He is on 25k, she is on something like 40k but she has standard office hours - 9-5, no late nights etc. He is in a tiny rented 1 bedroom flat, she has a large 3 bedroom house with a garden, driveway etc. She also gets child benefit and UC help, DP doesn't see any of that.

DP has just given her £300 towards their swimming lessons and summer holiday clubs - his "half", IMO she should pay more because she earns more, and I don't know why he is paying towards childcare because UC pay for it, but he didn't want her to kick off.

Now he usually picks up the children on Wednesday nights from after school club, again this enables her to work. She has just told him that tomorrow night she is going to see a friend for dinner and won't be back until 9.30pm. DP usually likes to leave her house by 9pm so he can get home and have dinner and prepare for work the next day. DP has told her this and she has kicked off saying she doesn't have a life or time to socialise (she does). I don't think she should be going out that night anyway, because DP has to be in her house without her which I don't really like. He has offered to have the kids overnight Wednesday nights but the dc don't want this.

AIBU to tell DP to put his foot down? He is knackered all the time from working late or looking after the DC while she gets to earn more and get home late as long as he is looking after them!

I don’t think this is really your place to intervene. He is parenting the DC in a normal way not just helping her out. This sounds like one evening he is staying a little later, it’s not like she’s asking him to move in as an unpaid nanny. He could get a better job himself? I’m not a disgruntled ex wife by the way.

Interesting his own kids don’t want to stay with him that evening. However what he could do is take them to his for a bit, get his stuff ready then take them back to their house and put them to bed. Surely he can eat dinner with the kids no 😂😂

Reverse?

His kid should always come before u, if u don’t like it find someone else.

That's not true. What is fairly typical is for the one who does less hours or has regular shifts/ school-run friendly shifts to do most of the childcare.

For obvious reasons.

She also gets child benefit and UC help, DP doesn't see any of that.

Wow, the DC don’t live with him, their mum is the RP, he has them 6 nights a month, but he should get a share of the CB and UC!

Maybe the EW binned him off because he’s neither use, nor ornament?

He doesn’t “do loads”, he’s a part-time dad at best and as for this

while she gets to earn more

presumably that’s because she’s undertaken more education or is more highly skilled/talented/smarter than he is, as companies are not in the habit of paying people higher salaries out of the goodness of their corporate hearts.

Butt out.

He doesn't have the children to help her out OP.

He's parenting them. Minimally, as it happens.

I take it you haven't got any children yourself?

In any case, it's really none of your business.

He's probably doing less than his fair share of the parenting to be honest.
And it's not really any of your business. His ex wife's income is really really none of your business either.
I say this as the second wife!

Why should your boyfriend get some of the UC his ex receives?

She has the DC all the time, she pays the bills for the house in which they live, she feeds them and buys their clothes.

I don’t think this is the relationship for you. How long have you been together?

He is knackered all the time from working late or looking after the DC

It's called parenting.

He does a couple of school drop off’s and 6 nights a month and is getting butt hurt over an extra 30 mins one evening?

😆

So to sum up, he does 4/10 school runs a week and does 3/14 overnights with the children.
This isn't 'loads' to quote you.
So yes, he should be paying at least 50% of costs.

And as previous posters have said, butt out. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Which he does very, very little of 😄
OP if you're fuming that your boyfriend earns shit wages and has a small, shit flat and pays a little towards his kids-just pick a better bloke?
(Not that I think his wages are crap, but you clearly do)

3 or 4 out of 10 school runs and 4 days out of 28 maybe loads for an uncle or a grandparent but not for a parent.

Genuinely, I was thinking: 'so, he's being a parent?'

You don't live together. Nothing to do with you.

No, your scenario is for when the parents are together. The stay at home or main parent is the one who has to fit their job around their child, which gives the other parent the luxury of working the shifts most convenient to them. When you’re separated then you should both be equally responsible for childcare, and both should have to work their shifts around their contact. This hasn’t happened here. Dads nobbed off and left mum with the kids apart from the odd weekend, with the small contribution of doing some school runs. The pp is therefore right in that normally the higher earner has them less, as they’re the ones putting the hours into work rather than childcare. In the ops case the mum is doing almost all the childcare, and she’s still expecting her to cover almost all the costs. Absolutely cheeky as fuck

AMEN

The only unreasonableness here would be if he had kept the existence of his children quiet for a period of time when you first met. Most people would think he does not do a fair never mind excessive share.

Fuck sake, he doesn’t do “loads” he does the bare minimum of acceptable.

What is it about new partners that think dads just get to dump their kids and think he goes over and above for bringing his own kids to school 2 mornings a week. Get a grip.

I love how when its him taking the kids to school its so she can work but when she has them the other mornings, which are more by the way and more nights that's apparently not her having them so he can work. No he can't possibly have them because he needs to work.

You're writing like that shitty kind of Dad that believes everything he does for HIS children is to help her when actually its just parenting and your DP does bugger all of that anyway. Id say don't have a child with this man but i expect you'll be back here in a few years complaining about how he does nothing for your joint DC.

He's being a parent. Mind your business and deal with it, or leave if you can't handle it. It's not your place to tell him how to parent.

Op, gently, your complaint is batshit. You are either a complete misogynist, or haven't the capacity to think through what you are saying.

Can you articulate why your thought process is that if one parent is doing 90% of parenting and the other is doing 10%, that the person doing 10% is doing 'loads' and that the person doing 90% has 'unreasonable demands'.

That is patently absurd.

He is neither paying any where near 50% towards his own children's keep, nor is he doing any where near 50% of the parenting.
Why do think it's her that's the bad guy rather than him?

If he earns basically minimum wage, that's on him to sort out.