to be sick of DP's ex wife's demands

[forestcookie]

The dc live with her primarily but DP does loads. He takes the dc to school 2 mornings a week so she can go to work early and miss the traffic, he has to be at her house for 7.45am. He picks the children up once or twice a week, depending if it's his weekend or not - has them EOW for 3 nights. He would pick them up more but he works late 3 nights a week. He is on 25k, she is on something like 40k but she has standard office hours - 9-5, no late nights etc. He is in a tiny rented 1 bedroom flat, she has a large 3 bedroom house with a garden, driveway etc. She also gets child benefit and UC help, DP doesn't see any of that.

DP has just given her £300 towards their swimming lessons and summer holiday clubs - his "half", IMO she should pay more because she earns more, and I don't know why he is paying towards childcare because UC pay for it, but he didn't want her to kick off.

Now he usually picks up the children on Wednesday nights from after school club, again this enables her to work. She has just told him that tomorrow night she is going to see a friend for dinner and won't be back until 9.30pm. DP usually likes to leave her house by 9pm so he can get home and have dinner and prepare for work the next day. DP has told her this and she has kicked off saying she doesn't have a life or time to socialise (she does). I don't think she should be going out that night anyway, because DP has to be in her house without her which I don't really like. He has offered to have the kids overnight Wednesday nights but the dc don't want this.

AIBU to tell DP to put his foot down? He is knackered all the time from working late or looking after the DC while she gets to earn more and get home late as long as he is looking after them!

Yeah I’m trying to think and the last pair I purchased where stitch ones from a Asda and they where £12 😅. My teenagers don’t do “pjs”

Exactly!

This is what I don’t understand. OP has been with her partner for 2 years, even considering getting a place together and the excuse he’s giving her for not meeting his children is because of a lack of space in his flat 🤔🤔

Ermm, what happened to the good old fashioned let’s meet in a park, take them for a lunch they would really like and introduce that way. OP is so invested and standing up for “his rights” that she’s not recognising that he’s not interested in his children meeting her, which I have far more concerns about. I’m all for not introducing children too quick but 2 years of essentially being a secret?!?! Come on..

Then the fact that the partner is telling OP every single detail and giving it the poor me I’m suffering on my low wage nonsense is a red flag in my opinion, because the likey hood is he will share every detail about OP to his next partner ( and I don’t think OP would like to be trashed in the same way she is doing to the Ex)

Ha! she should be considering leaving him not on here trashing the ex.

How is he told he has to pay no CM on £25k?
And how is he also receiving help with his rent if he got a lump sum when his wife bought him out of the house? Doesn't add up at all.

And it's amazing that he's apparently so broke yet the £300 he gave the ex at Easter and now the £300 he just gave her stretches so far that it apparently covers maintenance, clothes, kids activities AND child care.

Yes! My daughter's stepmum is a wonderful human and I'm incredibly glad she's in our lives.

The OP has never even met her boyfriend's kids (thankfully), so she's not even a stepmum. Just a nasty, deluded individual.

She's clearly doing most of the parenting and he helps out so she gets them up and ready then goes to work herself early. Unless you're living together and it has an impact on you, feel free to have an opinion but this is between them. Xx

Self employed fiddle isn’t it like a lot of deadbeats.

Has cash to drop £300 when actually asked but no maintenance and cannot afford to piss of a fly officially.

I am not an EW before anyone jumps on that, but all of this is nonsense.

She is ‘telling him’ there is a party etc because that’s what kids do and want to do, so what if it falls on her weekend or on his weekend it gets sorted regardless. if it was her weekend she would take the children to the party and source a gift so it is no different just because it falls on your DPs weekend.
Also bizarre choice of words from you ‘forking out for a gift for a kid he hasn’t met or doesn’t know’ that is not his ex-wife issue either it is what we do as parents, we buy gifts for parties for our kids to gift,

also just for reference a £40k salary is not a lot I think you think this is but actually to feed/clothe/entertain/pay for electricity and gas for 3 rather than one person, to pay council tax at what I assume will be a higher rate than his one bed flat. Probably adding streaming services and many other smaller things that your DP hasn’t factored in that actually go into bringing up children. All the costs that come with children are not just ‘holiday clubs etc’.

A £400k house isn’t a lot for a house these days either (this is more for your reference so you get out of your head she is a high earner - she isn’t!). She bought him out of that house so it is HER house regardless of how it came about it is her house now. And if the kids can’t/wont stay at your DPs flag then she is correct she doesn’t really get as much time to go out or have time to herself as he does.
your DP literally seems to have no idea of the cost of raising kids at al

her mother helping with the kids is doing them both a favour not just your DPs ex otherwise there would be more childcare costs factored in too. This is also true of having 9-5 (we as women always seem to tailor our lives and work to accommodate our kids but if we ask the same of the men-folk we are being nags/tyrants)

his ex was right to suggest he sees his kids more (he was earning more as he was working more hours which isn’t sustainable for a co-patently relationship).

he earns a low wage but she is not weathly. If she got help buying him out of the house good for her, nothing to do with him at all, he got what was legally fair I assume.

if it isn’t working for you all as a unit you need to have a conversation with suggestions to make things better for you all (if possible).

but please stop bellyaching about what he is spending (both time and money), as it really is the bare minimum

And to add the pathetic amount he pays towards his children I am pretty confident she is not making a profit.

just another note, if he is keen that the kids do swimming lessons at a council pool can he not sort and pay for that either during his time or instead of the current set up they have. If the kids truly do not like the cold pools then that is what it is (my kids couldn’t stand the cold council pool near us either (maybe councils keeps costs down by not heating the pool as much!??) so we also moved them to a private pool which was more expensive but they were happier and swimming became fun rather than a chores!)

Same with any activities (children love extra curricular activities and actually are a ball ache for parents to ferry them around, so again this won’t be a ‘treat’ for her).

You're right, the OP is not a stepmum. I'm just using "stepmum" as shorthand for "woman whose boyfriend/partner has children from a previous relationship".

Unless he is going above and beyond 50/50 parenting, and paying half of the actual expenses for the children, and taking on half of the ongoing admin/cognitive load that having kids entails… he isn’t doing “loads”. The above is the basic minimum or being a functioning parent whether you are a man or a woman. Basic and unremarkable parenting. A good parent would seek to exceed that in any way they could.

@ELMhouse
As another poster put it, the OP doesn't see the kids as human beings.
So any little bit of parenting he does, whether it's looking after the kids or making small financial contributions, the OP sees it as stuff he's doing for the ex and stuff that the ex is benefitting from because she doesn't seem to understand what a father actually is.

Well put. I didn’t even factor into the cognitive (or aptly titled ‘Mother's Load’

OP, kindly, I’m not going to repeat the previous 30 + pages telling you that your bf (not your DP) is not even doing the bare minimum of parenting, and that his x’s ‘demands’ are more than reasonable - if you’ve not got the message by now then you’re probably never going to get it.

However I will say, what do you want from this relationship? Are you getting it?

If you want a casual hook up then fine, carry on seeing him, but no need to involve yourself in the whole ‘controlling ex’ saga. Let him and his ex get on with it.

If however you want something more serious then please walk away and find someone else. He’s not introduced you after 2 years, you seem to just be there to listen to his woe is me tales about his ex, stroking his ego by agreeing how awful she is, reacting when he tells you that she walks around in her towel when he’s there. I imagine that if you were to push him into introducing his DC then he’d tell you that his Ex has said you can’t - don’t believe him. This arrangement seems to suit him well, but what are YOU getting from it?

another thing Ex used to do is agree to them going to parties on DP's weekends and then expect DP to fork out the money for a card and present for the other child. a child that DP has never met or heard of and didn't agree to the youngest going to the party. but he does it so the kids don't miss out and he doesn't show up to a party without a present.

You're describing basic parenting! Seriously, did your parents never let you go to a birthday party when you were a child, or buy a present for you to give to the birthday boy/girl?

And the part about Googling the cost of the pyjamas is fucking crazy. You need to get a life and stop obsessing over this woman.

I haven't read every comment; a fair few but ALL of your replies ... just for context, I am a Mother and and Step-Mother.
And I have to say; your jealousy of his ex is actually cringy to read! The way you write about her ... 🫣🙄
You have every right to your own opinion, as we all do, but ... it's none of your fucking business! It never was. It never will be. Grow Up!

If it bothers you as much as it comes across as it does - he is not the man for you.
Kids are primary age - for now. Wait til they're teenagers; they will pick up on your negative vibes and resentment quicker than you could kiss their ass.

OP, you are completely and utterly clueless.

You're definitely on a wind up, aren't you?

Now I know your talking bullshit you get "up to" 85% childcare costs paid back and on 40k a year she won't be getting anywhere near that you rarely get that on 25k

I take it you’re not a single mum. You sound bitter. Stay out of it, none of this is anything to do with you. She is a single parent and regardless of her earnings or her house or her entitlements (not sure why you think your dp would get any of her cb and uc when the children don’t live with him) she deserves time.
my ex husband broke up with a girlfriend over things like you’re saying here…he ended a quite serious relationship over it, they were living together. I’d be careful of what you say and do regarding his relationship with his children and his ex wife.

Christ. Really got the kids best interests at heart here havent you. 😳

Wtf does that mean @Sarah28x

Lots of people in lower incone jobs they love. He's paying too much she's taking the piss. End of.

Noone has to chase a big income to live inc divorced parents!

Just mind blown at the naivety from OP.

Yes, 2 primary aged children can easily cost £800 a month. For me, an hours wrap around care each end of the school day costs £11 a day per child. That's just for 8-9am and 3-4pm (I work reduced hours). If I worked 9-5 I'd have to use up to 4 hours wraparound a day to allow for cimmute time either end of the day, so £22 a day. Per Child. That's using the cheapest possible option available too. And doesn't include the cost of any snacks or meals at the childminder. So just that is £200+ a week. Then normal food, clothing, household bills, activities, school trips, friends birthdays, the kids own birthdays (because we can already tell their dad won't be paying a full 50% to make those occasions seem special). Easily way WAY more than £800 a month.

Also laughing at the hilarious line of their mum only just comes home from work and does nothing. Not even the school run. Just hilarious and very clearly said by someone who knows nothing about children. There's entertaining them, feeding them, bathing them, running them to activities, doing homework/reading/spellings, squeezing in laundry, household chores, doing admin. All when the children have their own ideas, are maybe tired, grumpy, uncooperative and downright difficult.

You couldn't make up the OPs entitled and ridiculous demands!

Can't really blame her can you! Shes probably done with men after experiencing your 'DP' and doesn't have time anyway as she's shouldering the majority of parenting whilst their deadbeat dad winged and moans to you. Also re clothes, I suspect the good expensive nice Frugi stuff she sent the kids came back stained and in tatters courtesy of your 'DP's wonderful parenting which is why he's been told to buy his own..if you can't respect and look after your kids clothes and ruin them why should she provide them? Nothing wrong either with buying quality clothes if you can afford them for your kids as they last and can then be reused for the younger sibling. Whereas Tesco clothes can shrink and wear thin as the quality is poorer, I know I've had both. Honestly though you have no right to dictate to another mother what clothes she puts her kids in?! Also why should she make her choices based on what her ex husband can afford, fair play to her if she earns well she can spend it on her kids, her money! And if she was able to buy the ex out of the house well done her! Your DP would have to have agreed to it. Not her problem he is in a dingy 1 bed flat, shes not his mummy, he doesn't deserve handouts from him ex who is doing the majority of bringing his kids up on her own. Sounds like you are parroting all the bitterness he spouts about her! Which makes me think he's not over her and regrets leaving. Does he actually do anything nice or thoughtful for you without being asked?

Piss off is she taking the piss? I’m on about the same amount….. why you taking my post and making it into something it’s not? Odd behaviour

I know from hard won experience that being with someone who has kids with another woman is really difficult. If this stuff bothers you now, it won’t get better and I’d suggest you find another relationship. The reality is he is their dad and they (and therefore their mum) will be a central part of his life forever. Stepparenting is not for the faint-hearted. Find someone else. (It also doesn’t sound like he is doing more than a reasonable amount to parent his kids).