to be sick of DP's ex wife's demands

[forestcookie]

The dc live with her primarily but DP does loads. He takes the dc to school 2 mornings a week so she can go to work early and miss the traffic, he has to be at her house for 7.45am. He picks the children up once or twice a week, depending if it's his weekend or not - has them EOW for 3 nights. He would pick them up more but he works late 3 nights a week. He is on 25k, she is on something like 40k but she has standard office hours - 9-5, no late nights etc. He is in a tiny rented 1 bedroom flat, she has a large 3 bedroom house with a garden, driveway etc. She also gets child benefit and UC help, DP doesn't see any of that.

DP has just given her £300 towards their swimming lessons and summer holiday clubs - his "half", IMO she should pay more because she earns more, and I don't know why he is paying towards childcare because UC pay for it, but he didn't want her to kick off.

Now he usually picks up the children on Wednesday nights from after school club, again this enables her to work. She has just told him that tomorrow night she is going to see a friend for dinner and won't be back until 9.30pm. DP usually likes to leave her house by 9pm so he can get home and have dinner and prepare for work the next day. DP has told her this and she has kicked off saying she doesn't have a life or time to socialise (she does). I don't think she should be going out that night anyway, because DP has to be in her house without her which I don't really like. He has offered to have the kids overnight Wednesday nights but the dc don't want this.

AIBU to tell DP to put his foot down? He is knackered all the time from working late or looking after the DC while she gets to earn more and get home late as long as he is looking after them!

Wow, this OP is a piece of work.

Batshit.

Agree with most of the posts here. Mainly, butt out!
This is not your business.
Your boyfriend is parenting his kids, as he should.
He is also managing his relationship with his kids' mum.

If he is self employed he has probably declared very little profit which will mean that he doesn’t have to pay cm, but will also mean that he won’t be able to get a mortgage. AND I’m interested in how he received uc to help his rent when back in the thread she said that ex bought him out of the property, which is worth £390k, and so that’s how he has a deposit for their own house…uc don’t pay out if you have savings. Especially not to the tune of over £150k!!!

@Dibbydoos yee no one has to chase a big income to live...but many people want their kids to have a better life than the did and that usually means more money, more resources! So that is motivation for getting a bigger income! Of course some people are physically not able to, some have perhaps found their dream job and it doesn't pay well or have given up job to spend more time (usually because they have a high earning spouse tho!). And some are lazy fuckers who actively enjoy playing victim which keeps them in their shitty circumstances of their own making. They moan and gnash their teeth at others who are successful due to their own hard work instead of being motivated to succeed. From everything we've heard so far, the OP's DH sounds like he falls into the lazer fucker camp! I bet his ex knows she is well shot of that dead weight. Just a tragedy she still has to deal with him at all really. One day he'll probably stop bothering from the sound of it if he puts this litte effort in now. Shame for the kids.

Your posts read as if they are not your partners children and he is helping someone with their children. It is obvious from your tone and the things you said that you do not like his ex. Remember you only have one side of the story. To me I’m hearing a Dad who pays no maintenance and complains about contributing to his children financially in anyway, and is bitter about his ex wife’s success. If he would like over night access mid week instead of going to his exs house I think that’s something he should pursue that’s the only issue I can see where he is being treated unfairly (although I can understand the children wanting their own rooms etc)

Totally agree. None of her business. I had a friend like this, resentful of the co parenting relationship and arrangements. He dumped her in the end. I don't see her anymore.

The way the OP has described the financial situation can't be correct. There would be no UC with enough of a lump sum to pay a deposit. Yes he would have to pay CM on £25k. I suspect he's not being honest about his finances for whatever reason. Regardless, it's entirely up to him how much he parents and indeed pays towards his children's expenses. The mother's finances are nothing to do with it.

OP doesn't want to be a parent so she's probably going to hate being a step parent where she comes at the very bottom of the list of priorities. That's not going to change!

OP, with respect you need to mind your own business. It sounds to me as though he’s not pulling his weight - why would you want to encourage that ? If he’s self employed and earning 25k there’s no way CMS wouldn’t be taking any maintenance. He’s probably not declaring everything he earns in order to reduce the payments. They’re his kids, of course he should be paying half - and it’s not down to his ex to provide clothing etc, when they stay with him. That’s his responsibility. How he and his ex go about co-parenting is nothing to do with you.

You are overly invested girlfriend.

It is perfectly normal to have clothes for your children at home. No wonder mum does not want to take extra loads of laundery bcs idiotic dad cannot be bothered to dress and look after his own children.

You sound incredibly bitter and resentful TBH. Your obsession with their financial arrangements is awful. 'She expects him to buy a present for a kid he's never met ' - what makes you think she has? You're buying it for your child to give, not for the birthday child. Lots of bitterness about what she earns - but he could earn more money, if he's not happy he should change careers or retrain as many people have to. I understand that his spending on the children means there is money you don't have in your joint savings pot but sorry that doesn't mean you get a say on how his money is spent on his children. Your attitude is very bitter and I'd advise you to either focus your financial obsession on helping him to get an alternative job/side hustle - especially if he's not working much a lot of the time eg in the holidays - or leave.

They are his children.

You sound ridiculous and a LOT like my ex's petulant girlfriend op. If he's anything like mine he is always bitching about her childish behaviour to me, telling me he made a mistake and suggesting we get back together. There's some food for thought love 😉

The only reason I know the demon ex wife isn't me is cos I don't earn 40k unfortunately. Good on her though, she sounds fucking ace 👌

You should mind your business.
He doesnt see any of her benefits because they are not his. You don’t think she should go out that night…please tell her this and let us know how that goes 😆
she shouldn’t pay more because she earns more. The children are 50% her and 50% him.
If it’s an issue for you that he is in her house while she is not there you have work to do.

You are very bitter & jealous! Bravo to the ex!
self employed guy not declaring his earnings!

@forestcookie I can't believe what you're posting! Clearly you don't have the first clue what it means to have children, and how expensive they are! You resent them hugely don't you? No wonder you haven't been introduced to them yet. Your jealousy of your 'D'P's ex oozes from every post.

Look you got with a guy who has children - you have to take the consequences. I am sure his ex rues the day he ever got involved with you. You begrudge his time with them and you begrudge him spending his money on them - when he is actually only doing the bare minimum of being a dad!

Can you not stop for one minute and think about these kids and what they must have been through during the breakdown of their parents' relationship and ferrying between two homes - and they're only little?! Don't you have any empathy? It's just demand demand demand with you isn't it.

You have not got the first clue what it means to be a parent do you?! I suggest you back off and leave him to it. He's never going to be dad of the year anyway! His poor ex is bearing the brunt of it all and the girl can't even have a night out without it being begrudged (9.30 indeed, is he 6???) Stay away from the children. They deserve better.

Exactly.. the kids are only at his 2 weekends a month.. the rest of the time with their mum! So I’m sorry OP but I’ve no idea who you think you are coming in and trying to dictate what should or shouldn’t be happening between the parents of two kids who you haven’t even met yet.

You sound jealous that his ex and the kids are getting attention / time / money that you feel entitled to yourself. You and your DP both sound toxic. You need to let all of this shit go, or your relationship will be revolved around tit for tat with his ex.

Do you even want to meet his kids? This resentment you’re holding on to for their mum is not something they deserve to be around IMO.

Wow he really downgraded from the ex to you eh @forestcookie?!

You are one of the most obnoxious posters I've come across here, but, guessing by how many feel the same, I'm guessing you don't have the balls to come back and address any of the issues, because deep down you must know you are in the wrong, hitched your wagon to a loser and jealous of his ex.

Good luck clinging on to this prince, you deserve each other. The ex deserves much, much better. The kids even more so.

I'm starting to think this man is triangulating and messing with OP's head. He offers these little tidbits like the towel to make her jealous and worry that he might be having sex with the ex. Then he reassures her by saying the ex has let herself go physically. I bet that isn't true at all.
He's keeping OP constantly off balance by these contradictions.
He further humiliates her by refusing to have her around his kids.
Some of the crazy shit she says could be a byproduct of his manipulation. However, she appears not to be intelligent and not a kind or generous person. She's probably spiteful by nature. I also think OP might have been the OW in an affair this deadbeat loser had which ended his marriage. He's likely doing his mindfuckery on both of them. What a pathetic situation this is. OP is never going to make a decent step-mother, so she needs to end the relationship, but she isn't going to do that. She's still hoping he'll buy her a house one day on 25,000 a year. 🙄 She thinks those pesky kids and their unfair needs for pyjamas and presents for birthday parties are standing in the way of her dream, as if anyone with his earning power could ever afford a house. The stupidity is strong.

I can have greasy hair and look like an absolute slob when my ex turns up and he still says inappropriate things I ignore despite him being married for 10 years and I choose to shower in my own flat as and when I want so if he turns up at that point that's not my problem. A faithful decent man wouldn't take any notice considering he's seen it all before.

How is she taking the piss? And how is he paying too much? He doesn't even pay maintenance 😕

He paid a whole £300 before easter and he's paid a whole £300 now and you think that that's too much? 😂

If he can't afford to pay the costs for his own children, he probably should try chasing a bigger income.

Providing the basics for his children is a pretty low bar but he's still failing to clear it.

It’s abundantly clear from your posts @forestcookie that you haven’t got a single clue about raising a child. Keep your nose out.

no I won't be suggesting that , she doesn't make any effort with her appearance these days according to DP

@forestcookie Did you really say that? You sound like you are consumed with jealousy. It's such an ugly trait.

I've realised that your "DP" and you think that he only has to have his income assessed once a year. No love. He is supposed to inform them that his circumstances have changed. So if they previously said he had no liability, because he was obviously under declaring, just like my ex did, then similar will happen to him that happened to my ex. His attempts to avoid maintenance backfired spectacularly and he had to pay me several thousand pounds because he failed to declare his increased earnings. I hope your DP is finally forced to support his children correctly. What a waste of oxygen he is.

If the OP is genuinely in this situation (and I have some... questions) then I feel she has some big surprises coming.

@forestcookie she die t make any effort with her appearance these days? According to your DP?

Does he tell you that to stop you thinking they're still shagging? Sounds like a classic line, to stop you being jealous?

I'd be very wary of that nonsense.