MIL and washing my child...

[sibk]

I have posted here before about this, but my post was removed and I don't know why.

I'll try and say it again, slightly differently.

My MIL seems obsessed with my DD's hygiene. Since she was a baby. Telling me not to use wet wipes and use water for example. It sort of stared with that.

She'd often say it's better just to wash them at nappy changes, rather than use wipes. Apparently she used to always wash her children at nappy changes.

Since my DD is toilet trained, it's like every time she goes to the toilet with her ( she sort of invites herself in ). She always goes on about how she needs to be washed.

MIL doesn't look after DD a lot but whenever she does go to her house, DD tells me that she washes her. It's like she's always making a massive deal out of her hygiene.

MIL would also often tell me that DD went to the toilet and was only cleaned with toilet paper and I should wash her. Etc.

I told her I find it a bit annoying to be constantly reminded of having to wash my child. She also claims DD says it ' hurts '. Even when I'm right in ear shot, DD will be on the toilet and MIL will be hovering over her and saying ' it hurts doesn't it ', then DD will say ' no ' and MIL reports back saying DD is sore.

I can't help but think she thinks there's a problem ( since birth ) in how I wash my child or something and I find it annoying and intrusive.

For the record, I bathe DD regularly and I also wash her in between, just to make sure she's fresh and clean. So I don't really see what her issue is. But like I said, it's been like this since birth.

I find it instructive and just annoying. DD went over last week and said she was washed there when I suggested to wash before bed, she said ' but grandma already washed me '. It pisses me off. Am I being ridiculous ?

It isn't a spray. Its a jet of water. (Like a tap but positioned at an angle) Yes you can use soap and you dry yourself with loo roll or a Towel

Oh god disnt realize its 4 year old we're talking about..ugh... thought baby...

Ew no

So why is it ok for the grandma??

Sorry i thought we're talking about baby/toddler, still in nappies. Has been brought to my attention its 4 year old, so i take it all back

But to answer your question...its weird.. man whos not the dad to wash children..at least for me... knowing them... i assume women dont have sich thoughts for their grandchildren... but lets not go down that road and assume such things
For me its just some sort of obsession, like germ phobia

Anyone washing a child with this level of obsession is weird. I’d say the same even if it was the child’s parent. Grandparents (male or female) looking after grandchildren in an age appropriate way, including keeping them clean, isn’t weird.

This is definitely not normal behaviour from the mil.
I was weirded out tbh when you said your dd is 4. She should not be following dd to the toilet and cleaning her like that. It must stop now!

You and your husband need a united front re his mother's weird behaviour.

So she cries when she's told she can't do it. Tough. That in itself is weird.

Tell him to speak to his mother so it's not just you being the bad guy.

Tell your daughter that it's her job to clean properly every time.

And that nobody but a doctor etc should be looking or touching. No teacher, no other relative, no other kids, no stranger. If she's uncomfortable, itchy, in pain, to come to parents for help.

Teach her to say otherwise Mummy and daddy say no, that's private.

If it happens again, that would be it for me. No unsupervised visits ever.

The crying is to shut up you from stopping her doing what she wants to do with your child. Your child's well being needs to come before MIL demands. In every situation.

Teach her to say otherwise Mummy and daddy say no, that's private

Exactly this. You are perfectly justified in wanting to put a stop to what she's doing, OP, your DD needs to know her body is her own and that she gets to keep her private parts private.

As an adult that grew up around my Grandma that had OCD, and particularly at toiletting times, please make sure this stops around your child. It’s very damaging and teaching your daughter that she needs to be cleaned and may be dirty. Your MIL’s mental health issues do not need to be shared. I’d confront her and ask her if she needs any support tbh.

’She cried’ - attention seeker. Gunning for a fight. ‘Victim MIL’. Whatever way you call it - just stop her. MIL’s far too often use issues around feeding/potty training etc to cause problems - and have their way. You’re the Mum. Your DD. Your decisions.

Sounds like she has cleanliness OCD

I disagree. If that was the case she'd be washing the DD's hands, not necessarily her genitals. I fear this is more sinister than a hygiene issue.

This, definitely

Is it maybe a cultural issue for your MIL? Women of Muslim faith wash with water each time they use the loo.

Read the thread. That's been asked nanny times and answered. There is no cultural issue involved.

My daughter's genitals are absolutely none of your business MIL. If you mention or touch them by washing again you will no longer have a relationship with her"

I'd really want to say that. I'm not sure if it's be brave enough to go with the end of the relationship thing, but if definitely say the first bit.

Maybe I'd add "...DD knows that the only people who are allowed to touch her pants area are her parents, and doctors or nurses, so you are not to make her accept you going near her genitalia"

Your comments about your mil and what she’s doing give me the ick.

It is 100% not appropriate for her to be following your dd to the toilet and touching her private area and by continuing to do so will, as some pp have said, will bring obsessiveness to your dd life. Not to mention the worst case scenario. I know you said you think there’s nothing sinister going on but truly speaking and I’m sorry to say this out-loud, but you’re not there so you can’t hand in heart say that she’s not doing anything like that. Women abuse too 🥺

Your dh needs to step up and have your back here and tell her under no circumstances is she to go to the toilet with dd and more so she is never to go near her private area again. Dd is capable of seeing to herself and is clean. If she needs you, she will call for you.
If you can’t meet our requests then you can no longer have dd over to your house unaccompanied.

You mention that mil had a thing about dd parts being red on the past.

Why the obsession (it’s what it appears) with a little girls area?

Have you asked him yet if mil did this to him as a child? If it’s no, then I think you should stop dd from being alone with the woman.

What a situation to be in. Sorry for you OP.

Mil I am teaching my child that her body is private to protect her in the future as such she has been told that nobody except mummy and daddy can assist her in the toilet unless we are absent and tell her otherwise and also that the only people to see or touch the area covered by her pants are myself/dad or if we take her to a doctor

It sounds like your daughter is at the age where she will be learning about body autonomy and privacy. Maybe you could teach your child to say stop when she doesn't like when someone is doing something & tell your MIL she has to respect that for the sake of her safety. Ie if an adult stops when she says stop, she knows she can always say stop & speak up if she's ever in a situation that she's uncomfortable with.

Please read this post @sibk and then read it again.

This poster is absolutely spot on with this. This is ultimately about bodily autonomy and having your little girl identify healthy boundaries which will ultimately protect her going forward.

Don’t wait to have an argument. You and your DH need to sit down with this woman and tell her that you no longer accept her either accompanying your child to the toilet or washing her or anything to do with toileting or personal hygiene.

Please do not let your daughter be alone with your MIL. Unnecessary washing of private parts is sexual abuse. Many posters are looking for excuses or trying in a well-meaning way to understand but this is actually quite dangerous and you need to step in to protect your daughter now.

In our culture we wash after every toilet visit.

But besides that her coming in to check is over the top.
I have washed my child since newborn don't use wipes and never had to deal with nappy rash or bad skin. I always reccomend it to people. But anyway my own mother let alone MIL doesn't ask or care to check. When they look after DS (2.5yrs old) they wash him I wouldn't expect anything less. I would be mortifed if they only used water. But not a topic of conversation.

Does she have a bit of OCD?