MIL and washing my child...

[sibk]

I have posted here before about this, but my post was removed and I don't know why.

I'll try and say it again, slightly differently.

My MIL seems obsessed with my DD's hygiene. Since she was a baby. Telling me not to use wet wipes and use water for example. It sort of stared with that.

She'd often say it's better just to wash them at nappy changes, rather than use wipes. Apparently she used to always wash her children at nappy changes.

Since my DD is toilet trained, it's like every time she goes to the toilet with her ( she sort of invites herself in ). She always goes on about how she needs to be washed.

MIL doesn't look after DD a lot but whenever she does go to her house, DD tells me that she washes her. It's like she's always making a massive deal out of her hygiene.

MIL would also often tell me that DD went to the toilet and was only cleaned with toilet paper and I should wash her. Etc.

I told her I find it a bit annoying to be constantly reminded of having to wash my child. She also claims DD says it ' hurts '. Even when I'm right in ear shot, DD will be on the toilet and MIL will be hovering over her and saying ' it hurts doesn't it ', then DD will say ' no ' and MIL reports back saying DD is sore.

I can't help but think she thinks there's a problem ( since birth ) in how I wash my child or something and I find it annoying and intrusive.

For the record, I bathe DD regularly and I also wash her in between, just to make sure she's fresh and clean. So I don't really see what her issue is. But like I said, it's been like this since birth.

I find it instructive and just annoying. DD went over last week and said she was washed there when I suggested to wash before bed, she said ' but grandma already washed me '. It pisses me off. Am I being ridiculous ?

She sounds like a danger to your child. Both physically and even more so emotionally

Yeah. Same.

Either way, I would not allow my daughter to endure an adult forcing access to their private parts by way of obsessive washing. It’s fucked up.

Exactly this. It’s very weird, intrusive, obsessive, controlling … I just have no words .. it’s got to stop. Protect your daughter. This is not normal behaviour.

I would not be allowing this to continue for one day longer. It's wrong and intrusive, needs to be taken seriously.

I think this is really creepy behaviour towards a four-year old.
your MiL has to stop interfering with your daughter’s private parts!

I haven’t RTFT but could she be compulsive? Like an OCD surrounding cleanliness?

Another vote for weirdness. When will she stop cleaning her, when your daughter is a teen? A 4 yr old doesn’t need to be watched going to the loo. She deserves respect and privacy. Will she follow her around at school, soapy flannel in hand? I wouldn’t let her go to mil unaccompanied. It’s horrible, actually.

Id shes from somewhere where bidets are used its normal to wash.

I can never get over smearing shit around with toilet paper when you can wash it away ams be clean

I hate being somewhere without a bidet.

How old is your daughter? It sounds like MIL can't let it go - your hygiene sounds very good to me - ours only get bathed twice a week! My MIL is also obsessive about hygiene - washing hands, hand sanitizer Wipes, clean feet, even cleaning their hands/faces whilst eating etc etc... so I feel you and you aren't being unreasonable. If you can ask your partner to have a word then Di as that's the best way forward but if not you might need to gently but firmly ask her to stop and that toilet paper is fine until she has her bidet/bath

Stop letting your child be alone with her.
Tell MIL it is totally inappropriate for her to be in the bathroom/toilet with your dd.
If nothing else this is going to give yoyr daughter a huge complex about hygiene.

Be VERY blunt with MIL. If she cries ignore her.

Also the thread about the MIL who kept saying OP's DD was 'red' down there when she wasn't. All these threads have the same thing in common, inappropriate/weird levels of concern by these woman over their DGCs' private parts. It sounds like a real headf*ck for a small child. OP, I agree with pps who've said you need to put a stop to it.

Did she treat your husband the same as a child or is it just your daughter? Are there any cousins, if so was/is she the same with them?

We have a bidet. MIL also has bidets in her house.

It's all good. I don't need reminding that I need to wash DD. I don't need her to wash DD if she's only there for an hour, unless there's an accident.

Bloody weird and creepy! Why tf is she so involved with your DD’s private areas? It’s not appropriate and her constant, obsessive fussing about cleanness will give your DD a massive complex.

There aren't any cousins yet. My Dd is the first grandchild.

No idea about husband. I assume so.

She babies DD a lot generally. The other day she was worried about not strapping her into the swing at home because she thought DD would just let go. Grandparents can baby grandchildren a bit because they don't see them all the time so they don't know what they can and can't do.

So what if it’s the MIL’s culture. Plus she’s not doing childcare.

@EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon I think the ' red down there ' may have been a previous thread from me.

There was a time when she kept saying that or kept saying she was in pain/ touching herself there.

It was weird cos she only ever did it with her.

Like I said, a few months ago I completely snapped about this and we did have an argument.

I would kick DH out of the house and start WW3 before letting his mother babysit my child again.

It's disturbing and creepy. At best, she's going to give your child massive anxiety around hygiene and toilets.

It's also really overstepping a personal physical boundary for your DD.

This is too much. Way too much. I feel like only a parent should be washing their children's private body areas at this age and also younger.
I think unlikely your MIL has any sinister motives however it's still an invasion of your child's space , and inappropriate. I would find that very uncomfortable and put an immediate stop to your MIL accompanying your child to the toilet .

Another babying thing she does is always get her a small plastic spoon to eat from, not just a normal adult size metal spoon.

SIL does the same.. if I give her a normal spoon they'll both be like ' aw is she ok, is she sure she doesn't need a plastic one ? '.

Same with sitting at the table. They always comment - does she need a booster seat / pillow to sit on etc.. a bit tiresome really.

Years ago, I worked for a children’s abuse helpline. Of course, what I heard from the children shocked me, but the calls that stood out were the women who were sexually abusing children, touching them and getting off on it. Please don’t think it doesn’t happen. If someone is touching your child’s genitals and they or you are not happy with it, see the red flags. At 4 years old nobody should be touching them except a medical professional.

I think this is very intrusive and unnecessary!

You DD needs to understand about boundaries with bodies - this is not teaching DD this.

What does child's father say?!

OP hasn't even asked her DH if his mother was the same with him when he was a child...

So what.

You still get the child to wash their own genitals.

My DD learnt to do so when she was two.

And the medical professional should only be doing so with a chaperone in the room.