MIL and washing my child...

[sibk]

I have posted here before about this, but my post was removed and I don't know why.

I'll try and say it again, slightly differently.

My MIL seems obsessed with my DD's hygiene. Since she was a baby. Telling me not to use wet wipes and use water for example. It sort of stared with that.

She'd often say it's better just to wash them at nappy changes, rather than use wipes. Apparently she used to always wash her children at nappy changes.

Since my DD is toilet trained, it's like every time she goes to the toilet with her ( she sort of invites herself in ). She always goes on about how she needs to be washed.

MIL doesn't look after DD a lot but whenever she does go to her house, DD tells me that she washes her. It's like she's always making a massive deal out of her hygiene.

MIL would also often tell me that DD went to the toilet and was only cleaned with toilet paper and I should wash her. Etc.

I told her I find it a bit annoying to be constantly reminded of having to wash my child. She also claims DD says it ' hurts '. Even when I'm right in ear shot, DD will be on the toilet and MIL will be hovering over her and saying ' it hurts doesn't it ', then DD will say ' no ' and MIL reports back saying DD is sore.

I can't help but think she thinks there's a problem ( since birth ) in how I wash my child or something and I find it annoying and intrusive.

For the record, I bathe DD regularly and I also wash her in between, just to make sure she's fresh and clean. So I don't really see what her issue is. But like I said, it's been like this since birth.

I find it instructive and just annoying. DD went over last week and said she was washed there when I suggested to wash before bed, she said ' but grandma already washed me '. It pisses me off. Am I being ridiculous ?

What makes you so sure it isn’t anything sinister? An adult (other than the parent) repeatedly following a potty trained child to the toilet and constantly finding excuses to wash a child’s private parts is highly inappropriate. Predators are often hiding in plain sight

This. And if your dd tells a teacher she doesn’t like grandma doing this there will be a safeguarding referral. It’s weird and violating and if it were my child she would never be alone with her ever again.

What does your husband say about it?

I think at 4 the only person washing the private bits should be the child herself.

Mine’s 4 as well. She didn’t seem certain she had wiped herself properly the other day, so I asked her if it was ok if I had a look to check. I even felt a bit intrusive doing that. She was clean.

That’s normal grandma behaviour, in my book. She’d be rightly very cross if I tried to do more with her.

This there’s a creepiness to it I think

My DD has never said she doesn't like it.

She just mentioned that grandma already washed her. Which I didn't like.

My Husband says his mum is annoying and too much but I don't think he's overly concerned.

I'm really glad I posted and it hasn't been taken down this time because I was even doubting myself. I did advocate for my DD a few months ago and I was worried I had been over the top.

Clearly not ! We had a fight about it and I did tell my husband and he said MIL is just too much.

Stand up for your daughter’s rights, OP.

Just don’t send her. And tell mil why. No I won’t be sending DD as ypu are washing her when I’ve told you no. You don’t have access to DD when you override my boundaries.

One of the reasons I'd stop her having any unsupervised contact is because your DD is going to pick up on her constant comments, and they will stick with her into adulthood. Be careful about other family members facilitating her to have unsupervised contact with your DD.

It’s washing no but what happens when it’s she doesn’t believe in allergies etc. kids have died from grandma not believing in allergies and not following boundaries. Or not believing in car seats, or using swimming floats or holding hands near roads etc. boundaries are there to keep children safe. If the caregiver won’t stick to your boundaries then no visits.

Your MIL doesn't sound OK. I don't know anything about these things, but is she OCD or something? I would not send my child there unaccompanied. It's pretty bad. Especially the fact that she keeps telling her she's hurting. That part of it is very worrying. What does your DH say about it? Mind you, he might be in denial about his mum's behaviour.

I think this is too the point advice, would you be able to do this Op?

That would make me feel really uncomfortable and I wouldn’t let her have unsupervised contact. There is no reason for her to be washing her so much!

I wouldn’t allow this woman unsupervised access to my child.

If she tries to go to the loo with DD you really need to speak up and say no. Say it sharply if necessary.

OCD wouldn’t explain that behaviour.

YES exactly. She’s in danger of internalising a message that she’s dirty “down there” and has to wash constantly. This isn’t a trivial issue of a MIL who just has different ways of doing things. She could cause the child to have OCD which is almost impossible to reverse, or at the very least, feel bad about herself.

OP you say your dd hasn’t said she doesn’t like it. She most certainly won’t like it if MIL follows her into the toilet when she’s 5 or 6, tells her she isn’t clean and tries to wash her bottom and vulva.

Did you ‘fuss’ over other people using wipes?

If that was in response to the parent questioning their own child’s skin reactions, fine. If that was unsolicited, that’s not ok and you need to leave them to their own parenting decisions.

DD2 reacted badly to Sudocrem so we stopped using it. I’ve never mentioned it to other people unless it’s come up in conversation or relevant to DD’s care.

Yes, it's sending a constant message that women are inherently unclean. Whereas the truth is too much cleanliness/use of chemical cleansers down there upsets the natural balance of bacteria and can lead to problems like thrush.

It’s part of her culture, if u do t like it don’t use her for childcare.

I wouldn't be letting her go over there unsupervised and I would be stopping any one from following my child into the toilet. An adult has a strange obsessions with your child's genitals. Set some boundaries.

Mil cried when you told her? Big deal, you are dd's parent and you say what goes, let mil cry as much as she wants, she's not sad, just guilt tripping you.

My Husband says his mum is annoying and too much but I don't think he's overly concerned.

No because he's a man and was a boy who society imposes different hygiene standards on. He doesn't realise this as a father of a daughter but soon may.

Your MIL is an adult. If she is upset about her behaviour being out of order then it is up to her to manage her own emotions not you and not her son.

Your DD is a child. You need to make it clear to her going to toilet on her own is normal.

My DD started washing herself at 2. She started going to toilet alone at 3. This included in public toilets where I stand outside the cubicle. She sometimes still needs help wiping her bum after a number 2 at 5 but she calls out for help.

I don't use her childcare, ever. She asks to have DD at her house for a couple of hours whenever she wants to see her. It's. To child care by any means.

Can you meet her outside go for lunch or something?
I do think you need to protect your Dd from this compulsive behaviour whether she has ocd or not it is compulsive and all about MiLs feelings and not your Dds.

Its pretty clear you cannot send your DD to your MIL's unsupervised. That needs to stop. If she tries any nonsense about going to the bathroom with her when she is with you, I'd be splaying my hand in front of her face, saying a very firm 'No!' She's weird, controlling and abusive. I wouldn't have that negatively affecting my child.

Your dd is 4. She is capable of toileting and cleaning independently. The latter might not be perfect but it's fine if she has a bath/shower/wash daily at home.

Your MIL is overstepping a personal boundary. I would say it must cease and if it doesn't dd will not be visiting her alone.