MIL and washing my child...

[sibk]

I have posted here before about this, but my post was removed and I don't know why.

I'll try and say it again, slightly differently.

My MIL seems obsessed with my DD's hygiene. Since she was a baby. Telling me not to use wet wipes and use water for example. It sort of stared with that.

She'd often say it's better just to wash them at nappy changes, rather than use wipes. Apparently she used to always wash her children at nappy changes.

Since my DD is toilet trained, it's like every time she goes to the toilet with her ( she sort of invites herself in ). She always goes on about how she needs to be washed.

MIL doesn't look after DD a lot but whenever she does go to her house, DD tells me that she washes her. It's like she's always making a massive deal out of her hygiene.

MIL would also often tell me that DD went to the toilet and was only cleaned with toilet paper and I should wash her. Etc.

I told her I find it a bit annoying to be constantly reminded of having to wash my child. She also claims DD says it ' hurts '. Even when I'm right in ear shot, DD will be on the toilet and MIL will be hovering over her and saying ' it hurts doesn't it ', then DD will say ' no ' and MIL reports back saying DD is sore.

I can't help but think she thinks there's a problem ( since birth ) in how I wash my child or something and I find it annoying and intrusive.

For the record, I bathe DD regularly and I also wash her in between, just to make sure she's fresh and clean. So I don't really see what her issue is. But like I said, it's been like this since birth.

I find it instructive and just annoying. DD went over last week and said she was washed there when I suggested to wash before bed, she said ' but grandma already washed me '. It pisses me off. Am I being ridiculous ?

Wtf?!?!

Ah OK, I hadn't realised that. Your MIL really is vastly over-invested and overstepping here!

I am surprised your DD doesn't have something to say about it seeing as she is 4. DGS makes it quite clear my presence is neither necessary nor wanted when he is in the toilet. Your MIL sounds a bit nuts - maybe you should start accompanying her to the toilet and see how she likes it.

And seeking consent from the child unless it's an emergency. On the rare occasion she's needed to exam private parts our GP always asks the child themselves to make sure they're comfortable with it before

OP it does come across as creepy and seriously worrying. It may well be 100% innocent, but even if it is it's normalising behaviour that could put your DD at risk. She needs to know its not ok for adults to be in the toilet/bathroom with her looking at her privates let alone washing them. Your MILs behaviour is completely inappropriate and could put your child at risk. It needs to stop. If this was my child she wouldn't be there without me again until all this stopped and Id be making it very clear that if MIL tried to accompany her to the bathroom we would cut the visit short and leave. Id be telling DD too that MIL wasn't allowed in the room when she's using the toilet or cleaning herself afterwards, reinforcing safety rules. Your DDs safety is way important than any 'righteous' indignation your MIL feels. Its not about her, it's keeping your DD safe.

Learning to be able to stay no to grandma is important as if God forbid anyone bad gets near her, she'll know what to do.

This is about your DD and if your MIL is putting herself first then gloves off.

If your dd tells a teacher you could find yourself answering to ss..
It isn't only creepy uncles that abuse dc
. By your own admission this is the second instance of your mil overstepping with your dd's genitals...

How does a bidet work? I mean I know what one is but how is it hygienic? Doesn't it spray poo particles everywhere?

And isn't it just a jet of water with no soap?

So do you sit there until you dry out or do you have to wipe your unsoaped ass with a nearby towel?

They've never struck me as at all hygienic so I'm genuinely here to be educated?

Presumably you have to disinfect the poo spray off it every use?

Sounds like a weird ocd thing? I think you need to draw clear boundaries otherwise she will pass on her issues to your child.

This is highly inappropriate and creepy OP. You really do need to put a stop to it before it does serious damage to your dd, if it hasn't already. I absolutely would press the nuclear button and stop her going there and I speak as someone who has seen similar issues play out in the extended family. It is not just men who have a sexual interest in small children.

Perhaps start your own thread instead of hijacking the OP's?

Ew, wtf! I'd go mad, noway is my MIL going near my child's private area. Honestly feel sick.

I haven’t read the whole thread so apologies if it’s already been mentioned but what does your DH say about this? Has he spoken to his Mum to let her know this isn’t acceptable.

Shove off @thinkfast I'm asking the op because she has one and knows how it works.

Shove off and start your own thread to ask about how to clean your arse. Loads and loads of people have bidets or know how to use one.

@thinkfast now whose detailing? Go and pick a fight on your own thread and leave the Ops alone.

Absolutely. Teach her boundaries. Teach yourself to say NO. No MIL it’s inappropriate to take her into the loo, no it’s inappropriate to check her private parts, no I will not discuss my daughters private parts with you MIL. Your husband needs to support you in this.

@thisishowitisyousee I have no idea what you mean by accusing me of detailing.

The OP has asked for advice on how to deal with her MIL's inappropriate and creepy behaviour. You've responded by asking her for guidance on how to clean your arse and how to clean poo out of a bidet. Aside from how inappropriate your questions were in the context of the OP's dilemma, it's considered bad manners on Mumsnet to hijack someone else's thread. Why not start your own thread if you want to know how to use a bidet.

How on earth do you cope when you leave your house?

There are so many things going on here it's crazy. So what if the MIL is from a culture where it's normal to use a bidet instead of toilet paper, she's still over stepping boundaries with the child and with the parents who have asked her to stop. She's intrusive and not allowing the child any privacy or dignity, she's projecting her obsession onto the child who will end up with anxiety around going to the toilet or with her own personal hygiene, which will be awful for her when she starts school and has to deal with going to the toilet alone. OP you need to be firm with MIL, she's being emotionally manipulative by crying when you pull her up on her damaging behaviour....don't back down, she's a grown woman and should be able to deal with it, you need to show your daughter you are there to speak up for her. From a safeguarding point of view, I'd find it incredibly concerning that an adult (whether it's grandma, uncle, cousin, family friend, whoever) is so insistent on being in contact with a child's private area, its just not right for so many reasons

www.wikihow.com/Use-a-Bidet how about you look it up and leave the OP to talk about the main issue regarding her child.

MIL needs putting firmly in her place. As others have said, don't leave her unsupervised with your child and prevent her from going anywhere near her toileting. I would try and shame her by saying 'why are you so obsessed with my child's genitals MIL?'.

She's an abuser hiding in plain sight. Wake up OP.

I felt the same way when I read the post. It needs to stop right now!