MIL and washing my child...

[sibk]

I have posted here before about this, but my post was removed and I don't know why.

I'll try and say it again, slightly differently.

My MIL seems obsessed with my DD's hygiene. Since she was a baby. Telling me not to use wet wipes and use water for example. It sort of stared with that.

She'd often say it's better just to wash them at nappy changes, rather than use wipes. Apparently she used to always wash her children at nappy changes.

Since my DD is toilet trained, it's like every time she goes to the toilet with her ( she sort of invites herself in ). She always goes on about how she needs to be washed.

MIL doesn't look after DD a lot but whenever she does go to her house, DD tells me that she washes her. It's like she's always making a massive deal out of her hygiene.

MIL would also often tell me that DD went to the toilet and was only cleaned with toilet paper and I should wash her. Etc.

I told her I find it a bit annoying to be constantly reminded of having to wash my child. She also claims DD says it ' hurts '. Even when I'm right in ear shot, DD will be on the toilet and MIL will be hovering over her and saying ' it hurts doesn't it ', then DD will say ' no ' and MIL reports back saying DD is sore.

I can't help but think she thinks there's a problem ( since birth ) in how I wash my child or something and I find it annoying and intrusive.

For the record, I bathe DD regularly and I also wash her in between, just to make sure she's fresh and clean. So I don't really see what her issue is. But like I said, it's been like this since birth.

I find it instructive and just annoying. DD went over last week and said she was washed there when I suggested to wash before bed, she said ' but grandma already washed me '. It pisses me off. Am I being ridiculous ?

Stop sending her, don't get into a discussion about how it makes you feel, it's your dd privacy that is the priority. Don't let her take her to the toilet.

DD is four, she needs privacy and soon she will be asking for it (my new six year old went very quickly from telling me I would be wiping her bum til she was 10 to do it completely by herself when she was about 5). You need to stop MIL going to the toilet with her, it might not be sinister but it's really weird and completely trampling all over DDs personal boundaries. Just tell MIL if she won't stop she won't get to see DD any more.

I did say something along those lines and MIL was hysterical and said I was nasty.

She's now stopped commenting but I found out from DD that she washed her the last fine she went over.

DD goes over only like once a month.

What makes you so sure it isn’t anything sinister? An adult (other than the parent) repeatedly following a potty trained child to the toilet and constantly finding excuses to wash a child’s private parts is highly inappropriate. Predators are often hiding in plain sight.

Some women are just overly clean you just need to read mumsnet to see about obsession with washing after using the toilet women actually faint at the thought of just toilet paper, your MIl is just one of these women she isn't having a "go" at you she's just obsessed with clean. Don't let your Dd be on your own with her if this is upsetting you or your Dd.

Does your MIL use loo paper and/or get rinsed herself when she’s used the toilet? It might be a cultural difference going on.

I would be really concerned about this. MiL is obsessed with your daughter washing her genital area and that is creepy. And she will pass on her own obsession to your daughter. This needs to be stopped right now. Do not let her go to MiL house without you. And stop her taking your daughter to the toilet. She’s 4 so she’s big enough to go on her own. And be firm… her behaviour needs to stop before she does some real damage to your little girl.

So she's starting school in September?

I would tell dd in front of MIL

"now you are starting school in September you need to start always going to the toilet alone, like you will need to there. Going to the toilet is private, no one else should be with you unless you have a problem call for help"

You MIL is well out of order and undermining you , YANBU to be annoyed

Well that's on your mother in law. Do what if she gets hysterical, if she can't behave properly, she can't see DD. Who is your priority, DD or MIL?

I would tell her that if she does this again DD will never go there again.

And if she asks DD to keep it a secret from you then she will never even get to see her again.

This is really creepy.

Perhaps your mil was ' the smelly child ' growing up ( most schools had one, whether or not the child actually smelled is debatable). She may think that over the top steps need to be taken to prevent this.

Or is she from a background where fgm takes place or perhaps had it herself ? Cleanliness is one of the reasons they do this.

And why did she get hysterical and say you were nasty? She could have said ok I will stop washing her but no…she continues to wash her but doesn’t tell you. That’s even worse… I would stop sending your daughter there alone. She can visit grandma but always with you, and have a conversation about privacy and who can and can’t touch her body. MiL is weird at best and a pervert at worst, and as others have pointed out, predators are very often in full view…

Stand your ground with her, it's time for you to step in and stop your MIL' s strange behaviour towards your DD, before she causes your child any psychological damage.

Your DD should not be in pain, she's telling you "it hurts" It hurts probably because she could be red-raw from being wiped or washed too much.

Is it after a poo or a wee as well, because if so that is way too much washing, and not healthy.

Your mil sounds controlling and ocd. Assuming everying you say is spot on.
Take control of your own child op. Don't send her there untill she understands what she's doing is ott and she's causing ill feeling with you over absolutely nothing that's any of her concern and she's being inappropriate .

Is she repeatedly suggesting to your dd that doing a poo hurts? That's how I read the OP and aside from the washing this is a bad message and association for your dd to have.

She must stop going to the loo with your dd however you achieve that.

Just seen she’s 4! She will be perfectly capable of appropriately toileting herself and it’s quite inappropriate for mil to be interfering at this age. Toilet help is only for when they can’t do it themselves. Please put a firm stop to this

She's 4?!

Start protecting your dd from this woman.

Stop normalising this implied criticism of your daughter and intrusion on her privacy.

It may have been a reflection on your parenting at 1 point but this is now about protecting your daughters.

I can't believe this battle has gone one for 4 years. You should have overruled these behaviours a long time ago.

You need to advocate for your daughter here. Yes, it’s difficult as it’s your MIL, but your child
is your priority and this could potentially become something very damaging mentally to her if continued and driven home in weird ways (like trying to get her to tell her it hurts when it doesn’t).

Getting hysterical because you don’t want her to accompany your dd to the toilet and wash her private parts is utterly unhinged. She undoubtedly has an abnormal obsession about washing and hygiene. Let her cry and get hysterical- the important thing is that dd learns to maintain her boundaries, and doesn’t grow up with a hygiene obsession and shame about being “dirty”.

This is borderline creepy and abusive. Your MIL is trampling all over your daughter's privacy and dignity. I'd go nuclear on her and tell her to stay away and shut up about it. Seriously, no one has the right to police another person's genitals like that, whatever their age. Honestly, I would prevent my child ever being alone with someone behaving like this.

Even if your MIL is acting with the best of intentions, her behaviour is becoming abusive. Sounds like your daughter is able to toilet by herself (and wipe, at least after a wee?) so your MIL insisting on joining her in there and washing her genitals, telling her things about her own body that contradicts what she herself knows (eg telling DD and you that it hurts when she said no such thing)... this is very definitely a violation.

Does DD's school/preschool do sessions on Pantosaurus? This has really helped my 5yo understand what parts of her body are private, who gets to touch them, and why. If she isn't in a setting that discusses this stuff you need to start doing so at home. I mean, you should anyway.

Reading this I'm reminded of Jennette McCurdy's recent memoir where she talks about her mother's abuse including insisting on supervising her daughter's showers until she was eighteen years old. Claiming she would not get clean enough by herself. Touching her body to inspect for signs of cancer. I'm not saying it goes this far but in McCurdy's case it was just another facet of the way her mother inserted herself into every aspect of her daughter's life, controlled and isolated her, and refused to respect boundaries. You do not need to normalise this. Model something better for your daughter.

Completely and absolutely agree. DD needs to very very clearly understand that she has ownership of her private parts.

Nobody should be going to the toilet with her.

There’s not a chance in hell I’d leave my dd alone with this person. That’s not normal behaviour at all. What does your dp/dh think of this?

She sounds weird and obsessed. My granddaughter is 4 and shouts me if she needs any help, which 9 times out of 10 she doesn't.
Give MIL the ultimatum. Either stop with the toilet obsession or we don't visit