Female friends on a stag night

[Sweetsweetgrass]

My fiance has asked if I'm OK with him inviting two female friends to his stag do. His plan is to do an activity i.e. paintballing, go-karting, during the day then rent a big house on Air BnB to do a bbq and everyone can stay over and drink. He said it won't be heavy drinking, whilst we're in our thirties some guys will be in 40s/50s. He has a list of 10 guys and 2 girls. I've briefly met each woman once during our relationship to say hello but otherwise I can't say I know them at all. He said they're friends so wants to invite them, it shouldn't matter that they're women.

Honestly, I have several issues with this.

1. I don't know these women and they aren't part of his day to day life so I'm confused why he wants to invite them now
2. I feel the group dynamics will change with women there and the other guys may not be happy with this
3. Why would a woman want to attend a stag do where she doesn't know all the guys? Personally I wouldn't want to be drinking and staying over in a house full of men when I don't know all of them (they may feel the same as he hasn't invited them yet).

I know I'm supposed to be totally cool with it and respect his friendships and show everyone how secure I am, but I'm not comfortable with it. Is this just me or would others have reservations?

You're about to marry him, which should mean that you trust him. Unless you think that he simply won't be able to resist having sex with two women that are in the same house as him.

Point 2 is daft. The dynamic might change for the better and the other men's feelings are not your concern. It's his night out with his friends so up to him - his friends will presumably want him to be happy.

Point 3 is also not your issue. If they don't want to, they won't go. If they do want to, it's because they want to see their friend and meet some new people/have fun. People go to things where they don't know some other guests all the time. You're just looking for reasons.

Point 1 is the strangest. They're his friends. You don't need to know them, you won't even be there. Are you sure you should be marrying a man you don't trust? Because that's all this is coming across as, that you don't want him around some women he knows because... well, not the weak reasons states.

As for the general point - well, I had a guy on my hen night and my brother had more women than men on his stag night. Unless you subscribe to ye olde m/f divides then friends are just friends and the night is a night out for the bride-to-be or groom-to-be and their own group of friends. It doesn't have to be blokey or girlie unless that's someone's particular preference or the culture they come from.

I think 2 and 3 are not really your problem. These are for the stag and invitees to decide.

I think 1 is a legitimate query. If they’re not good friends why invite them? If they are good friends why haven’t you seen or heard as much of them as his other friends?

However, it may be as simple as they are all part of a group from work/hobby and it would be mean or odd to leave the two women out…?

I had men and women at my hen, it didn’t even cross mine or my husbands mind that it might be an issue. I certainly wouldn’t have asked his permission.

I agree that it changes the dynamic, I don’t like all female social events and they were all my friends so why wouldn’t I celebrate my hen / wedding with them?

Very odd.

I wouldn't like this either

But your reasons do sound a bit made up

It's maybe worth trying to sit down and be honest with yourself about why exactly this is bothering you. All feelings are valid. Let yourself think and feel what you really feel. And then you can assess whether it's actually fair or reasonable to say anything to your partner about it, or to ask him to alter his behaviour.

I know that I personally am not a massive fan of male female friendships and would just prefer to be with someone with a similar world view...
however your partner clearly isn't of that opinion. So for him, being told to not invite girls, is unlikely to go down very well.
Are you sufficiently 'on the same page' enough to be getting married?

If you don't like male female friendships (and being totally honest with yourself it doesn't sound like you do) do you not think this is going to be an issue over and over again? Like when he meets a work colleague that's female and wants to meet up with her, text her etc?

I think you should sit down and reflect honestly on this all

My DS would probably have equal numbers of women and men at his stag (he’s 24) but he adores his GF.

I would have thought having women there would be a positive myself.

Unless you don’t trust him. In which case, do not marry him.

2 and 3 aren’t your problem.

DH had a female friend on his stag, as she had a role at the wedding. It all went really well, and everyone got on fine.

Points 2 and 3 are irrelevant and not your problem.

Point 1 is concerning you because presumably you don't trust him...so why are you marrying him?

Maybe I’m being naive here … but would having female mates at a stag deter the men from straying away or going to a strip club etc that some men seem to get up to on a lads stag? Thus being a positive?

(source: multiple threads on here when a bride to be has or newly wed has found out the stag has been to a strip club or that the best man has cheated on his wife and the lads are all rallying to keep it a secret. Bro code).

I had 6 male friends on my hen do. It didn’t cross my mind that my boyfriend would mind. I’m a bit baffled really.

I don't know these women

How well do you know the 10 men?

Point 1 - Have you met every other person going on the stag?

Point 2 - Not your stag, not your concern.

Point 3 - Not your stag, not your concern.

Personally, in your shoes I’d prefer it with a couple of women there. I would think it’s far less likely that anything untoward would go on if there were women there as well as men. I think it’s a positive thing.

Unless your fiancé has form for infidelity (in which case don’t marry him) or unless the two women are actually two prostitutes then I think you are being very unreasonable.

Like others have said, 2 and 3 are not your problems. As to no. 1, why would he want to invite them, I don't see why that is your issue either, unless you think he hopes to sleep with one/both of them, in which case you have bigger problems than the stag do

Are the women close friends of his? If so, why do you not know them? Surely it's normal to meet and get to know your partner's close friends? I wouldn't mind if my DH had a close female friend at his stag do - perhaps you need to reflect on why this makes you so uncomfortable?

Agree with pp, points 2 and 3 are irrelevant to you, unless you are also going on the stag party.

do you know all the others going? I always thought pre wedding parties usually involved old friends who may not necessarily be part of current day to day life, so that doesn’t surprise me. It’s great your almost husband has both male and female friends.

I take on board that having women there may be positive and keep it tame.

I know all the guys from numerous social functions over the years. In fact one stag invitee is a close male friend of mine who has become friends with my fiance and we do almost weekly pub quizzes with, so I don't disapprove of male/female friendships. It has been suggested he goes to my hen rather than the stag as more my friend (which I know he wouldn't want to do as he'd rather do something with the lads) and instead my fiance invite his female friends - who have no role in the wedding. If these were people my Fiancé was good friends I would concede gracefully. I'm a little surprised they've now been called close friends and he wants them there. Again, they're not part of the wedding and he doesn't want to invite them to the ceremony.

I've said if he wants to meet up with them and catch up, that's fine. But why after years of not seeing them is it the stag night he chooses to see them again? I'm aware this is coming from my insecurity.

I have been on one stag do as a woman. It was a very nerdy pub crawl via scenic train. Yes, the dynamic was likely different to a 'traditional' stag do. In a good way. No flirting, no strippers, just a bunch of aging rockers and geeks having some sedate (but fun) beers.

Deeply unreasonable. And illogical. Are you vetting all the male attendees also for how well your fiancé knows them and why he would want to invite them? And it’s not your concern whether the poor menz will be befuddled by the inclusion of two women, OR whether the women will enjoy themselves if they attend. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

In your shoes I’d be asking myself why I was marrying someone I didn’t trust not to shag two female friends just because he’s going to be at a drunken house party with them.

I'm not sure exactly what you're worried about. Are you concerned there is a sexual element to their being invited?

I'd be exploring why you feel uncomfortable with these women being present. Do you think your husband is inviting them for nefarious reasons? If there isn't a history or real reason beyond maybe some unfounded jealousy, I'd be inclined to let it go.

My husband had some women at his stag, one I knew well and the others I'd only met in passing. I didn't think anything of it as his stag do was about him celebrating with people wanted there, if I thought he planned to cheat on me with someone he invited to his stag, there would have been bigger issues than the guest list.

I’ve both been on a hen that had two men on it, and a stag do that was mixed. The hen was the best I’ve been to, and we had a blast at the stag do as well. Lighten up.

I really don’t understand what point 1 has got to do with you either to be honest. It’s not your pre marriage celebration so there is no reason that you should know them.

Well, you’ve said it. It’s your insecurity. Deal with that.

No one needs some kind of certificate of close, longterm friendship to go on a stag or hen do. I’ve been invited on hen weekend when I’d only known the bride six months and wasn’t going to be at the wedding because I would be away.

People very often invite old friends on a stag. Sometimes to bolster the numbers, sometimes because they haven’t stopped being friends, it’s just that life gets in the way of meeting regularly.