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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH took our DD2 trampolining in her pyjamas

345 replies

Edenmum2 · 30/06/2024 23:06

I don't know why it annoyed me so much. He has her one-on-one on Sunday mornings (I have a lie in as I do all night wakings) and took her trampolining. He had 2 hours to get her up and ready. Im pretty sure he didn't clean her teeth either. Definitely didn't brush her hair.

He turns up at lunch time all proud of himself and she's still in her pyjamas! Now filthy because they went to the park after.

I don't want to be a nag, I don't want to be negative, I love them bonding and I'm appreciative of him taking her but I just can't shake the fact that his standards for her are so much lower than mine. Like every time I leave her in his care she looks like she's been dragged through a hedge backwards. Really I can't think he has any other reason to not get her dressed beyond 'I couldn't be bothered'

Am I being a terrible nag? Would it bother you? I just feel like I take on all the mental load of her entire life and he can't even be bothered to get her dressed.

Would it bother you?

OP posts:
Mrsdyna · 01/07/2024 06:25

How old is she? Probably would bother me more that she hasn't brushed her teeth.

I don't think it's a massive deal but I wouldn't want it to happen often.

IAlwaysTellTheTruthEvenWhenILie · 01/07/2024 06:27

This is a weird question but was it the same pyjamas she slept in?
Or fresh ones?

My DH is ND and can struggle with dressing the kids (struggles with it himself too). He will sometimes pick out a jammie top as a t-shirt and doesn't realise it's pyjamas.

If he just didn't get her dressed at all, then yes that's disgusting and lazy.

motherofbabydragon · 01/07/2024 06:28

i am sorry OP. I would be equally annoyed. On a lighter note this did have to make me think of this scene from sound of music

DH took our DD2 trampolining in her pyjamas
Perfect28 · 01/07/2024 06:32

Thing is, the whole getting ready is about teaching them how to get ready isn't it. It's about modelling and routines. So yes, it's an issue but really a kid old enough to trampoline (not recommended under 7 I think?) is old enough to remember to get dressed and brush teeth themselves.

motherofbabydragon · 01/07/2024 06:36

@Perfect28 but it would also not be unusual for a child to still need reminding or prompting.

NightOwlEarlyBird · 01/07/2024 06:44

I couldn't be fussed about the pyjamas. Not cleaning her teeth or brushing her hair is a different story.

Applepencilplant · 01/07/2024 06:46

I'd be annoyed. He sounds lazy. I hate lazy People.

SheldontheWonderSchlong · 01/07/2024 06:48

The posters defending this behaviour really do demonstrate that the bar for men is so ridiculously low. Depressing.

BirthdayRainbow · 01/07/2024 06:51

Anyotherdude · 30/06/2024 23:11

He is probably helping you in that you now only need to wash her pyjamas! At 2, it really doesn’t matter - but I would bring him up to speed about teeth/hair, leaving the getting dressed to later. Nobody minds if a toddler is dressed in pj’s - and some pj’s look just like leisure wear, anyway…

Helping @Edenmum2 ?! FFS it's not just her job to wash THEIR child's clothes.

Your h is a lazy sod and why on Earth does he think he gets to be proud he took his child out? Be sure to be really proud and demand a gold star next time you feed her🙄

Gelasring · 01/07/2024 06:53

Wow. The bar is so so low for men isn't it? I often think that I'd love to have been a father instead of a mother.

It takes 10 minutes to get a kid dressed and brush her teeth.

He's either lazy, stupid or manipulative (weaponised incompetence).

Gelasring · 01/07/2024 06:55

And as for the comment about it saving the op washing. Fucking hell.

DryIce · 01/07/2024 06:56

It's lazy and crap. Yes it's a one-off (hopefully!), and won't kill her - but it makes his deal to take her once a week a bit pathetic, as I'd you have to either accept his crapness or do it yourself.

It bothers me that he feels entitled to take the easy way out also. It's like when Primary caregiver Mum goes away, and Dad feeds the kids pizza and lets them watch TV all night. Sure it's not a big deal and we all have a lazy night sometimes - but why does Dad, who does so much less of the day today care, get to take the easy option on his one night. It makes it harder for her to ever get to do the easy thing, even though as the one doing most of the work she needs it more!

WimpoleHat · 01/07/2024 06:58

It would really, really bother me! I had to have a bit of a word with myself when my kids were little, as I liked them to have lovely clothes and always dressed them nicely. And any time my DH was involved, they’d always end up in the oddest, most mismatched things in the cupboard. But - ultimately - that didn’t matter and it was my issue. They were clean and dressed. But this is a whole other level! Your DD wasn’t clean and dressed. Your DH either hadn’t bothered or hasn’t thought to address some pretty basic care points for her. I’d be pretty cross about that. It’s either really thoughtless or really lazy and neither is a good parenting approach…..

Ocymoroniclife · 01/07/2024 07:00

Buttoneyed · 30/06/2024 23:14

But it’s just accepting the shit standards from the dad that you just wouldn’t accept from the mum and it’s not right. It’s a basic minimum to get your child dressed, brush their hair and teeth and do nice things with them. He shouldn’t be proud of himself for taking his own child trampolining and not even making sure she’s clean. And really it shouldn’t be accepted like ah bless dad, at least they had fun

Show quote history

This! FFS these are just basic aspects of care.

it’s saying, he doesn’t need to do basic hygiene with his own child as the Mum will do it the rest of the time. It’s offloading the work to his wife, and just leaving the fun stuff to himself.

Also, if the toddler is still in night nappies and she wore her night pjs they will have smelt of wee.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 01/07/2024 07:01

If it was a one-off, for example they woke up late and he got her in the car quickly to make their time slot, I’d be fine.

If it’s a general pattern of laziness and not looking after her properly - clean hands/teeth, brush hair, get dressed as bare minimum - then I’d be really pissed off. What’s he going to do when it’s time to get her ready for school? Will it always be on you? Time to nip this in the bud and let him know that this behaviour could be a red flag for nursery/school one day (I’ve seen threads where the nursery/school pull the parents in, when the child has poor hygiene etc).

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 01/07/2024 07:03

His complete laziness would be a total turn off.

Gogogo12345 · 01/07/2024 07:03

Mouldyfoodhelp · 30/06/2024 23:15

I doubt he'd also poo in a nappy or the two year old would go to work. Almost like we have different expectations of what's appropriate or OK at different ages

Show quote history

Where are you getting the info this child is 2? I can't see anything stating her age. Which makes a difference as by 6 or 7 the child is old enough to get washed dressed and make attempt to brush hair ( depending on length)

Dontcallmescarface · 01/07/2024 07:05

Where are you getting the info this child is 2?

It's literally in the title of the thread.

Summerpigeon · 01/07/2024 07:09

The bar is always set so much lower for men..
"Oh well ,she had a day bonding with her dad ."
Lazy twat ,springs to mind

Bushmillsbabe · 01/07/2024 07:10

My DH would have no idea what to put on her, so if he is getting them dressed then he asks me to put out their clothes the night before.
But he gets ours dressed, fed hair brushed teeth etc 3 out of 5 weekdays and to nursery and school as I leave for work early. Men are perfectly capable of doing this, and it doesn't sound like he was in a massive rush. The PJ'S- not great, but the hair and teeth not done would be unacceptable to me. Although the pj's makes no sense - they would have had to come off to change her nappy or from nighttime nappy into underwear if toilet trained, so why on earth put them back on?

Gogogo12345 · 01/07/2024 07:11

Dontcallmescarface · 01/07/2024 07:05

Where are you getting the info this child is 2?

It's literally in the title of the thread.

That could just as easier mean second daughter. My. DD2 is 29 lol

SirWalterElliot · 01/07/2024 07:12

The pyjamas I could cope with. Not brushing their teeth would piss me off. The hair, I guess it depends on how much it needed the brush. And if the PJs were really dirty he should have changed her when they got back.

CatMumSlave · 01/07/2024 07:12

So she definitely came home in the pjs she went to bed in?

He didn't mistake a new set of pjs for clothes?

My dh hardly ever took the kids out on his own but if he did I would get the clothes out as I know the patterns and colours wouldn't match.

notacooldad · 01/07/2024 07:14

Did she have fun? It's not the end of the world.....she'll survive one day with unbrushed hair and all-day PJs if she's had a great bonding day with her dad, and you've had a lie-in.
Whether she had fun or not is irrelevant. He let her go out like a tramp. I bet my house He didn't go out looking unkempt.
If you accept that level of care, you have low standards. He is not doing mum a favour. He is being a parent.
I bet it wasn't a one off.

Amelia4848 · 01/07/2024 07:18

What is it with all these men incapable of looking after their kids properly. It’s 2024!