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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH took our DD2 trampolining in her pyjamas

345 replies

Edenmum2 · 30/06/2024 23:06

I don't know why it annoyed me so much. He has her one-on-one on Sunday mornings (I have a lie in as I do all night wakings) and took her trampolining. He had 2 hours to get her up and ready. Im pretty sure he didn't clean her teeth either. Definitely didn't brush her hair.

He turns up at lunch time all proud of himself and she's still in her pyjamas! Now filthy because they went to the park after.

I don't want to be a nag, I don't want to be negative, I love them bonding and I'm appreciative of him taking her but I just can't shake the fact that his standards for her are so much lower than mine. Like every time I leave her in his care she looks like she's been dragged through a hedge backwards. Really I can't think he has any other reason to not get her dressed beyond 'I couldn't be bothered'

Am I being a terrible nag? Would it bother you? I just feel like I take on all the mental load of her entire life and he can't even be bothered to get her dressed.

Would it bother you?

OP posts:
StarDolphins · 30/06/2024 23:50

TomatoSandwiches · 30/06/2024 23:31

It is shit op, and some of the responses are fucking depressing tbh.

Did he go out in PJs, unbrushed hair and unclean teeth?

It's not acceptable, what would happen if you had those poor standards of care for her also?

You'd be getting a phone call from nursery or school eventually.

‘What would happen’🤣 at no point has op said that she does the same so this is just neurotic!

C’mon, Seeing a grown man in a pair of PJ’s would get far more raised eyebrows than a 2 year old!🤣 a lot of 2 years olds still wear rompers etc. Dad in a romper would be noticed far more than a toddler?

CrispieCake · 30/06/2024 23:51

Why not just leave her in her pyjamas and don't brush her teeth and hair everyday, OP?

If it's fine for him to do it, it's surely fine for you to do it too.

TomatoSandwiches · 30/06/2024 23:51

He should want the best for his child though shouldn't he?

I'm sure if op and her husband shared a car ( men love a car analogy ) and he kept is ship shape, tank always full, gleaming exterior and tidy interior but op decided to not bother with any of that he would find it disrespectful.

Allowing his daughter to go out in a state with unbrushed hair and dirty teeth is like telling op he has no respect for the amount of effort she puts in on a daily basis for their DD.

It's not all about fun, children learn by us creating habits for them, building up their self respect by teaching them self care and standards that are acceptable.
Each parent can do this in different ways but that's not what he has done, he didn't do any of that because apparently it's not his job?

Fuck that.

WayOutOfLine · 30/06/2024 23:52

My husband was good at ensuring they were all washed but used to leave the choice of clothing up to them. One time he told my dd to put on her pants, so she put them all on and a skirt and leggings and left the house with about 10 pairs of pants on. Not noticed til I got home from work. They were all clean though!

TomatoSandwiches · 30/06/2024 23:53

StarDolphins · 30/06/2024 23:50

‘What would happen’🤣 at no point has op said that she does the same so this is just neurotic!

C’mon, Seeing a grown man in a pair of PJ’s would get far more raised eyebrows than a 2 year old!🤣 a lot of 2 years olds still wear rompers etc. Dad in a romper would be noticed far more than a toddler?

Edited
Show quote history

Are you daft?

Clearly op doesn't do the same as her husband.... because it's not acceptable and she'd be pulled up on it if she did.

So why is it ok for her husband to do it?

Gremlins101 · 30/06/2024 23:54

Let it go for now. Next weekend just say "can you please get her dressed tomorrow morning. And make sure her teeth are cleaned."

I also write a very clear list.

My husband is also a bit addled but if the child is safe warm and fed you kinda have to go with it. I can't be turning it into a feminist resistance every time he's a bit useless or I'd have to divorce him.

SmallGreatThings1 · 30/06/2024 23:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ghetto? Care to elaborate?

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/06/2024 23:55

Anyotherdude · 30/06/2024 23:40

But by setting the bar so high for themselves, a lot of women damage their own mental health. Projecting that onto the man isn’t likely to help - it wasn’t her decision to not get the child dressed, so apart from expressing a desire that he doesn’t do it again, she shouldn’t be raising an AIBU about it, is all…

Show quote history

But brushing your child's hair, getting them dressed and cleaning their teeth is hardly setting the bar so high.

It's all basic stuff.

Ivyrosecrayon · 30/06/2024 23:57

TomatoSandwiches · 30/06/2024 23:53

Are you daft?

Clearly op doesn't do the same as her husband.... because it's not acceptable and she'd be pulled up on it if she did.

So why is it ok for her husband to do it?

Show quote history

Would she really be pulled up on it?? By who? Have a look at 2 year olds you see out and about.. can you honestly tell if they are in PJs or not or if they had their hair brushed?

Slinkyminky22 · 30/06/2024 23:58

Anyotherdude · 30/06/2024 23:11

He is probably helping you in that you now only need to wash her pyjamas! At 2, it really doesn’t matter - but I would bring him up to speed about teeth/hair, leaving the getting dressed to later. Nobody minds if a toddler is dressed in pj’s - and some pj’s look just like leisure wear, anyway…

He is probably helping OP, because now OP only has pyjamas to wash?
Give me strength. Where to even start with this.
Yes he should have brushed her teeth and hair, and got her dressed. It's the basics.

Ivyrosecrayon · 01/07/2024 00:05

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/06/2024 23:55

But brushing your child's hair, getting them dressed and cleaning their teeth is hardly setting the bar so high.

It's all basic stuff.

Show quote history

Have you met men tho?
They are grim.
I had an ex who wore the same boxers 3 days a go. Used to turn them inside put to get more wear... And he was a medical student from a middle class family.. and he's not some outlier is he?
Can you honestly not see that many men just don't have the same standards of appearance that women do.. and that might translate to how they'd get their kids ready if doing it their way.
So it's not that they are 'choosing not to' it's genuinely that it just doesn't occur to them.

Not saying they shouldn't be told that it's important.. but to act like it's something they've done on purpose and you should get angry with them about... I think is a waste of time.

johnd2 · 01/07/2024 00:07

Well if he hasn't had regular practice from day 1 then maybe that's to be expected. You can either encourage their relationship and accept that you're not in charge all the time or you can be the expert at everything and run yourself into the ground.

RubyWinehouse · 01/07/2024 00:10

No it wouldn't be an issue at all for me, she can come home jump I'm the Bath and think about the fun she had.

mupersum1 · 01/07/2024 00:11

johnd2 · 01/07/2024 00:07

Well if he hasn't had regular practice from day 1 then maybe that's to be expected. You can either encourage their relationship and accept that you're not in charge all the time or you can be the expert at everything and run yourself into the ground.

Regular practice? To know that a child needs to have their teeth cleaned every day before going out?

Come on now, there's giving the benefit of the doubt and there's just plain old infantilising of men.

johnd2 · 01/07/2024 00:14

mupersum1 · 01/07/2024 00:11

Regular practice? To know that a child needs to have their teeth cleaned every day before going out?

Come on now, there's giving the benefit of the doubt and there's just plain old infantilising of men.

Show quote history

You and everyone else is allowed to be disappointed or annoyed or whatever but ultimately the choice is the same, either let them have their own relationship, or become the default parent and sort everything out your own way.

PaminaMozart · 01/07/2024 00:21

I couldn't get worked up about the pyjamas. HOWEVER...

He has her one-on-one on Sunday mornings

Are you saying that this is the ONLY time he looks after her on his own?!! This definitely has to change, or he'll turn into a Disney dad. He needs lots of practice...

stayathomer · 01/07/2024 00:26

The hair and teeth would bother me (a lot!) but ds11 has a few pjs that are plain coloured so could be tracksuit bottoms and that he finds nicer because they’re light in summer. If they’re patterned or it was cold, I’d be really irritated though!

wombat15 · 01/07/2024 00:31

Ivyrosecrayon · 30/06/2024 23:47

Exactly this!!
Mothers tend to put a lot of pressure on themselves because they feel constantly guilty and also like they are constantly being watched and judged.
I certainly do.. if my child looks feral out abd about I feel shame. Even if I know they left the house immaculate..
But children will end up looking a mess, their hair will look un brushed within ten mins at a trampoline park anyway.. their clothes will get dirty anyway...
I think sometimes I certainly feel resentment towards my DH because the shame simply doesn't register on him. He's not under the same societal pressure.
He would just be proud of himself for getting the kids out of the house and them having a good time.
And maybe that's a better place to be.
Coz really it does NOT matter if your 2yo wore PJs to the trampoline Park and it would be nice as a mother not to give a shit about that.
The fact that I would is not actually the fault of my DH and I don't think it's helpful to try and make him feel the same levels of bullshit guilt that I do.

Show quote history

It's not to do with how they look. It is to do with basic care and cleanliness. Hair and teeth need to be brushed. It's a bit sad that people have such low standards particularly of men.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 01/07/2024 00:35

Anyotherdude · 30/06/2024 23:11

He is probably helping you in that you now only need to wash her pyjamas! At 2, it really doesn’t matter - but I would bring him up to speed about teeth/hair, leaving the getting dressed to later. Nobody minds if a toddler is dressed in pj’s - and some pj’s look just like leisure wear, anyway…

Er, what? Why can't HE wash her pyjamas when he is responsible for them getting so dirty? How was this "helping" the OP? The parenting and housework isn't the OP's responsibility for her husband to merely "help" with.

Runnerinthenight · 01/07/2024 00:36

So long as he sorted out teeth, hair etc after they got back and didn't leave it to you, then the PJs wouldn't bother me unduly.

grisen · 01/07/2024 00:51

wombat15 · 01/07/2024 00:31

It's not to do with how they look. It is to do with basic care and cleanliness. Hair and teeth need to be brushed. It's a bit sad that people have such low standards particularly of men.

Show quote history

But the OP is just “pretty sure” he didn’t brush her teeth.
And as @Ivyrosecrayon says their hair will look unbrushed after a trampoline park let alone trampoline park AND the park.

I have fairly high standards of cleanliness compared to my neighbours, and we live in a very middle class area of a Nordic country and trust me, all the kids that are around my son’s age come over on a Sunday morning to play and not one of them has changed out of their PJs but they all have had their teeth brushed when they come at 10. Then they go out to play, still wearing PJs and no one bats an eyelid (except my British husband).

fridaynight1 · 01/07/2024 00:57

I'm not known for my fashion sense and generally look like no owns me most days so no I wouldn't be bothered. Does it really matter what she is wearing? If she isn't bothered then I don't see the problem.

RachelGreeneGreep · 01/07/2024 01:02

Always find it a tad depressing the low standards that are set by some women in relation to their husbands/ partners.

And please can we forget the idea that the MAN is HELPING. Nope it's his responsibility too.

As for writing lists, no, just no. These men presumably hold down jobs where nobody writes lists for them.

I would be annoyed too, OP. It's showing a lack of care towards the child, imo. I'm not sure why you feel that you have to be 'appreciative of him taking her' or why he feels 'so proud of himself'. 🤔

Nip all of that in the bud is my advice.

Frozensun · 01/07/2024 01:04

I wouldn’t look twice if I saw a toddler in pjs with wild hair (with a mum or a dad). My assumption is that kid didn’t want to get dressed/wanted to wear pjs. Having dealt with 2yo who only wanted to wear what she wanted, I can tell you some days were very ‘out there’. 🤷🏻‍♀️. Most importantly, had she been fed and nappy changed? They’re the deal breakers for me.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/07/2024 01:06

My take? The standard for men starts where the standard for women stops. I take DD to the park in a pram while I scroll on my phone? OMG what a shit mum. DH does the same? Awwwwww he's giving his wife a break, what a star. I take my child to the park in PJs? Shit lazy baggage. DH does the same? Bless him he works hard and he's saving washing for his wife.

And on and on. Thanks goodness my DH knows this and finds it by turns amusing and disgusting. He was properly pissed off when he played with his friend's DD during the football while his friend ignored her. He thinks that makes his friend a shit dad. But I guarantee everyone else is saying, 'awwwww he is including his girl in the football, how sweet'.