Page 4 | DH took our DD2 trampolining in her pyjamas

AmelieTaylor · 01/07/2024 01:09

@Edenmum2

Is she in nappies overnight?

Did he even wash her and put a fresh one on (or clean pants)??

gir me that's the truly critical thing.

but yes, it would piss me off, especially as he's so particular about his own presentation.

if he'd inadvertently put clean pj's on thinking they were her day clothes then I'd be pissed off her own Dad doesn't know which she wears when, but not that she'd been out in them.

He knows he cleans his own teeth (I presume) so why didn't he do hers??

and I presume he notices she doesn't usually look like a scarecrow, so why was brushing her hair a step too far for him?!

Do you think he was very stressed about taking her out by himself, do they usually just kick about the house playing or watching tv??

maybe he just picked her up & went before he bottled it? Does he have confidence issues??

SouthLondonMum22 · 01/07/2024 01:11

Ivyrosecrayon · 01/07/2024 00:05

Have you met men tho?
They are grim.
I had an ex who wore the same boxers 3 days a go. Used to turn them inside put to get more wear... And he was a medical student from a middle class family.. and he's not some outlier is he?
Can you honestly not see that many men just don't have the same standards of appearance that women do.. and that might translate to how they'd get their kids ready if doing it their way.
So it's not that they are 'choosing not to' it's genuinely that it just doesn't occur to them.

Not saying they shouldn't be told that it's important.. but to act like it's something they've done on purpose and you should get angry with them about... I think is a waste of time.

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Men are adults. The vast majority of them are able to function outside of the home so why would they suddenly be incapable at home when it comes to looking after their own children?

Of course it's a choice. I'm not sure why you are falling over yourself to make excuses for the men who simply can't be bothered and/or hope if they don't do it enough times, they just won't be expected to do it at all.

My husband wouldn't be my husband if he pretended he didn't know that his children need to be dressed and have their teeth cleaned every day.

Ivyrosecrayon · 01/07/2024 01:34

SouthLondonMum22 · 01/07/2024 01:11

Men are adults. The vast majority of them are able to function outside of the home so why would they suddenly be incapable at home when it comes to looking after their own children?

Of course it's a choice. I'm not sure why you are falling over yourself to make excuses for the men who simply can't be bothered and/or hope if they don't do it enough times, they just won't be expected to do it at all.

My husband wouldn't be my husband if he pretended he didn't know that his children need to be dressed and have their teeth cleaned every day.

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It's not that I'm making an excuse for why it should be entirely let go.. I just think this is something that requires a chat. I don't think it's worth getting angry about.
Yes men are adults but you must admit that on the whole they do have lower standards regarding presentation than women. Of course that's a generalisation but it's reality for most people.
And it's a learning curve. The less you let a father do and work out for himself regarding parenting... the less able he will be able to do it in the long run. The child here is 2yo.. theyve not that long even had teeth.. theyve not that long been out of baby grows if they even are.. they also resist things like getting dressed and teeth brushing quite a lot, which means those things can be a struggle to get done.
As I said earlier I have 3 kids and I've definitely taken all of them out of the house in their PJs before as toddlers at some point if I've been rushing...
I've never been angry at my DH for not doing very well on the presentation side of things..
I do think as a result he has improved over time and is a confident hands on dad..
Yeah to this day I sometimes have to remind him about hair brushing.. but he manages to get all 3 of them ready on a morning several days a week.. he takes them out entire days alone.. and actually I find that hard too..
I do have higher standards of how they should be dressed than him. But I'm not going to breathe down his neck about it.
I just think it's a waste of time. He's not me.. but he is their parent and as their parent gets to make parenting decisions without me always nitpicking.
You might not think hair brushing, brushing teeth and dressing in clean clothes is nit picking but personally I think it can be if its done with anger abd it's about a 2yo going to a trampoline park.. coz I mean in this instance it really didn't matter did it? Long term.. never brushing their teeth will come to matter so yes that's something to discuss.
But the rest? No.
It IS quite hard getting a,2yo ready.. men do tend to have lower standards of appearance than women.. and a 2yo PJs don't look much different to a,2yo day clothes... it's not 'an excuse' it's just being realistic.

And on the flip side if I took my kids out without brushing their hair or teeth and dressed in PJs at 2yo.. I really don't think I'd get any flack for it whatsoever because no one would notice would they? Definitely my DH wouldn't have noticed.

Peacefulbeach · 01/07/2024 01:43

Anyotherdude · 30/06/2024 23:11

He is probably helping you in that you now only need to wash her pyjamas! At 2, it really doesn’t matter - but I would bring him up to speed about teeth/hair, leaving the getting dressed to later. Nobody minds if a toddler is dressed in pj’s - and some pj’s look just like leisure wear, anyway…

Helping her????????

Sorry is it not his own damn child too? Is he “helping “ too by “babysitting “ his own fucking child????

Wtf is wrong with you men. HE IS THE PARENT TOO

Peacefulbeach · 01/07/2024 01:45

Yes OP it would bother me. Basic care. Basic standards. Teaching dc how to look after oneself. He’s a lazy twat!!!

Peacefulbeach · 01/07/2024 01:58

Anyotherdude · 30/06/2024 23:40

But by setting the bar so high for themselves, a lot of women damage their own mental health. Projecting that onto the man isn’t likely to help - it wasn’t her decision to not get the child dressed, so apart from expressing a desire that he doesn’t do it again, she shouldn’t be raising an AIBU about it, is all…

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Oh fuuuuuuuuuuck offfffffffff 🖕🏼

And that goes to all you men who seem to be infiltrating mumsnet lately. MUMSnet. FUCK OFF the lot of you we are fucking sick of it. This is NOT the place for you & your mansplaining!

Wayda · 01/07/2024 01:59

Hmm I would be angry at DH if he did this. It’s lazy at best and neglectful at worst. It would be a case of you couldn’t be bothered to do a 2 min job? It’s a bad habit I would want nipped in the bud. Trackies and a shirt change would take seconds. Your child is worth that

changedwwyd · 01/07/2024 02:00

Buttoneyed · 30/06/2024 23:14

But it’s just accepting the shit standards from the dad that you just wouldn’t accept from the mum and it’s not right. It’s a basic minimum to get your child dressed, brush their hair and teeth and do nice things with them. He shouldn’t be proud of himself for taking his own child trampolining and not even making sure she’s clean. And really it shouldn’t be accepted like ah bless dad, at least they had fun

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Absolutely this!

He needs to shoe same duty of care to DD he does for himself. Otherwise a lifetime of OP doing everything for the kids.

Peacefulbeach · 01/07/2024 02:00

DreamTheMoors · 30/06/2024 23:48

My husband was gone all the time.
When it was his turn to dress or bathe or do anything for the kids, it was,
”Can you show me what to do?”
He was still saying that when they were 8 & 10.

Weaponised incompetence.

pinkyredrose · 01/07/2024 02:03

Anyotherdude · 30/06/2024 23:40

But by setting the bar so high for themselves, a lot of women damage their own mental health. Projecting that onto the man isn’t likely to help - it wasn’t her decision to not get the child dressed, so apart from expressing a desire that he doesn’t do it again, she shouldn’t be raising an AIBU about it, is all…

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Setting the bar so high? Basic care is setting the bar high?

Well bugger me.

pinkyredrose · 01/07/2024 02:10

johnd2 · 01/07/2024 00:07

Well if he hasn't had regular practice from day 1 then maybe that's to be expected. You can either encourage their relationship and accept that you're not in charge all the time or you can be the expert at everything and run yourself into the ground.

Regular practice, oh my, what a fucking joke.

It's almost like she isn't his kid and he wasn't there when this newborn happened to arrive in thier lives. Practice indeed! Imagine saying that about a mother.

Nottherealslimshady · 01/07/2024 02:22

CointreauVersial · 30/06/2024 23:11

Did she have fun? It's not the end of the world.....she'll survive one day with unbrushed hair and all-day PJs if she's had a great bonding day with her dad, and you've had a lie-in.

I hate this mentality. Its OK for her to be neglected one day, becuase it's only one day. It is the ONLY one day he's responsible for caring for her. If OP was not washing, hair brushing, teeth brushing or dressing her child on every day she was responsible for them it would be disgraceful and neglect. But it's OK, because it's not happening to the child often because they have one parent that actually bothers to parent them.

It's OK for him to do this their child purely because OP isn't doing the same. That's not being a parent.

As someone else said, he managed to dress himself, wash himself, brush his own teeth. So he considers those basic rights. He wouldn't go out unwashed in his PJs. Its a complete lack of respect or care for his child. And if he's not providing those basic needs is he providing for the others. Is she getting enough food, water, suncream, appropriate weather wear. Not providing for your child's needs isn't OK. Especially when you only have to do it once a week.

SouthLondonMum22 · 01/07/2024 02:22

Ivyrosecrayon · 01/07/2024 01:34

It's not that I'm making an excuse for why it should be entirely let go.. I just think this is something that requires a chat. I don't think it's worth getting angry about.
Yes men are adults but you must admit that on the whole they do have lower standards regarding presentation than women. Of course that's a generalisation but it's reality for most people.
And it's a learning curve. The less you let a father do and work out for himself regarding parenting... the less able he will be able to do it in the long run. The child here is 2yo.. theyve not that long even had teeth.. theyve not that long been out of baby grows if they even are.. they also resist things like getting dressed and teeth brushing quite a lot, which means those things can be a struggle to get done.
As I said earlier I have 3 kids and I've definitely taken all of them out of the house in their PJs before as toddlers at some point if I've been rushing...
I've never been angry at my DH for not doing very well on the presentation side of things..
I do think as a result he has improved over time and is a confident hands on dad..
Yeah to this day I sometimes have to remind him about hair brushing.. but he manages to get all 3 of them ready on a morning several days a week.. he takes them out entire days alone.. and actually I find that hard too..
I do have higher standards of how they should be dressed than him. But I'm not going to breathe down his neck about it.
I just think it's a waste of time. He's not me.. but he is their parent and as their parent gets to make parenting decisions without me always nitpicking.
You might not think hair brushing, brushing teeth and dressing in clean clothes is nit picking but personally I think it can be if its done with anger abd it's about a 2yo going to a trampoline park.. coz I mean in this instance it really didn't matter did it? Long term.. never brushing their teeth will come to matter so yes that's something to discuss.
But the rest? No.
It IS quite hard getting a,2yo ready.. men do tend to have lower standards of appearance than women.. and a 2yo PJs don't look much different to a,2yo day clothes... it's not 'an excuse' it's just being realistic.

And on the flip side if I took my kids out without brushing their hair or teeth and dressed in PJs at 2yo.. I really don't think I'd get any flack for it whatsoever because no one would notice would they? Definitely my DH wouldn't have noticed.

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You are absolutely making excuses. ''They've not long had teeth'' really? Parenting is a learning curve but it shouldn't come as a shock that you need to clean a 2 year olds teeth.

You are right. I don't believe that basic care such as teeth cleaning is nitpicking or even about appearances as you keep bringing up, it is just standard bare minimum parenting.

Men are just as capable of these things as women are. My husband certainly isn't a unicorn because he knows that you must clean your toddlers teeth.

thebestinterest · 01/07/2024 02:41

Edenmum2 · 30/06/2024 23:06

I don't know why it annoyed me so much. He has her one-on-one on Sunday mornings (I have a lie in as I do all night wakings) and took her trampolining. He had 2 hours to get her up and ready. Im pretty sure he didn't clean her teeth either. Definitely didn't brush her hair.

He turns up at lunch time all proud of himself and she's still in her pyjamas! Now filthy because they went to the park after.

I don't want to be a nag, I don't want to be negative, I love them bonding and I'm appreciative of him taking her but I just can't shake the fact that his standards for her are so much lower than mine. Like every time I leave her in his care she looks like she's been dragged through a hedge backwards. Really I can't think he has any other reason to not get her dressed beyond 'I couldn't be bothered'

Am I being a terrible nag? Would it bother you? I just feel like I take on all the mental load of her entire life and he can't even be bothered to get her dressed.

Would it bother you?

You really shouldn’t be micromanaging how he is choosing to spend time with his daughter. If you want things done your way, go be with your child 🤷🏽🤦🏾‍♀️

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/07/2024 02:43

You really shouldn’t be micromanaging how he is choosing to spend time with his daughter. If you want things done your way, go be with your child

Unless you want your child filthy, unbrushed teeth and hair, wearing night clothes all day, make sure you never have any time to yourself at all.

And people wonder if we still need feminism.

MariaLuna · 01/07/2024 02:44

He is probably helping you in that you now only need to wash her pyjamas! At 2, it really doesn’t matter - but I would bring him up to speed about teeth/hair, leaving the getting dressed to later. Nobody minds if a toddler is dressed in pj’s - and some pj’s look just like leisure wear, anyway…

Sorry, I do not agree. You just do NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE IN PYJAMAS! Sorry for shouting but it's slovenly. He should be teaching her to take pride in her appearance.

I can understand your frustration OP.

ageratum1 · 01/07/2024 05:21

What is the difference between pyjamas and leggings and a t shirt?

Nottherealslimshady · 01/07/2024 05:25

ageratum1 · 01/07/2024 05:21

What is the difference between pyjamas and leggings and a t shirt?

Do you go out in your pyjamas from the night before? What's the difference between a dressing gown and a jumper?

ageratum1 · 01/07/2024 05:27

He should be teaching her to take pride in her appearance.
I think we will have to agree to differ there op! The last thing a 2 yp should be worrying about is her appearance!,

ageratum1 · 01/07/2024 05:33

ReadingSoManyThreads · 01/07/2024 00:35

Er, what? Why can't HE wash her pyjamas when he is responsible for them getting so dirty? How was this "helping" the OP? The parenting and housework isn't the OP's responsibility for her husband to merely "help" with.

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I would day that if the op is a sahm, then the kid's laundry should be her responsibility.

PuttingDownRoots · 01/07/2024 05:36

I think there's a massive difference between getting mixed up and putting clean pyjamas on...

And taking the child out in what they've been wearing all night. Mine often got their breakfast down their pyjamas. Nappies smell, they need fresh bottoms on.

Starseeking · 01/07/2024 05:44

CointreauVersial · 30/06/2024 23:11

Did she have fun? It's not the end of the world.....she'll survive one day with unbrushed hair and all-day PJs if she's had a great bonding day with her dad, and you've had a lie-in.

If a mum treated the DC like this half of MN would be calling social services to report neglect.

As it's a dad it's deemed "fine as it's only one day".

It absolutely isn't, it's basic self-care to brush teeth, wash, change. As the DC is too young to do this themselves, the Dad should have done it. I'd be so pissed off if my children's dad behaved like this when they are with him.

Dunnoburt · 01/07/2024 05:50

My OH is exactly like this when he has our dd and it fucks me off so much........ he also seems to think she runs on empty like he does so doesn't think to feed her......yanbu OP

Shoxfordian · 01/07/2024 05:51

This isn't acceptable at all, but it sounds like you're used to this incompetence from him. Did you ask him why he hadn't dressed or washed child before they went? There's really no excuse for it

Eeyoreknowsall · 01/07/2024 05:56

My first thought would be she probably should have had suncream on at the park. It's been very hot where I am and definitely need suncream if out for more than 10 mins.