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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worried about my step daughter's behaviour?

241 replies

Blasianwoman · 30/06/2024 15:14

Hi everyone,

This has been driving me crazy, and because I am not a mother, I thought I'd ask mothers if this type of behaviour is normal.

I have been with my partner for 3 years, we moved in together in December 2023. He has a 14yo daughter, she comes every other week, they have 50/50.

Now, everytime she needs to go back to her mother's she cries, begs her father and I to stay. She will refuse to get out of the bathroom and say things like " I will clean the entire house everyday if you let me stay." She seems genuinely terrified of something. I have never met her mother, and my step daughter never mentions her or her siblings.

I can't help but feel emotional, sad and even I pleaded with her father to let her stay. I always get the same response " She is a teen... She is manipulating you .... Her mother is great... It's the law... She is being a brat"

But she is not a brat at all, she seems like a happy kid, loves to cook and is respectful. She is affectionate and loves to give hugs and kisses.

She has to go back tonight to her mum's, and right now I can hear her crying and her father screaming at her.

Is this typical for teenagers?

OP posts:
Keeva2017 · 30/06/2024 15:16

Have you spoken to SD? I don’t think that’s normal and screaming at her is never going to be an appropriate response from her dad. How sad.

Keeva2017 · 30/06/2024 15:17

You sound like a caring step mum btw.

TheSerenePinkOrca · 30/06/2024 15:18

This sounds VERY odd.

Teenagers CAN be manipulative though. Is there something she gets at her dads that she does NOT get from her mums? e.g. unlimited phone time? more freedom? Later bed times?

You need to talk to her and establish WHY she doesn't want to go. She can't just say she doesn't - she needs to give a clear reason.

Once you have this info, THEN you can act.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/06/2024 15:19

I can hear her crying and her father screaming at her.

You have got to read your husband the riot act. Screaming at his daughter? FFS. That is totally unacceptable.

Mrsttcno1 · 30/06/2024 15:19

I don’t think that sounds normal at all, and as for it being “the law”- at 14 that is simply not the case, she would absolutely be able to say if it got to court at that age where she does and does not want to be. I suspect her dad just doesn’t want to be responsible for her full time and so doesn’t want to push it.

I’d definitely be speaking to your partner and suggesting a proper sit down chat with her about what is causing this and personally I was her other parent I wouldn’t be forcing her back.

jeaux90 · 30/06/2024 15:23

Well teens can be very difficult.

But, is her visit to yours always fun or different with less rules? Maybe her mum is strict and she thinks staying with you is an easy life with no chores etc?

Her dad does need to talk with her and understand what's going on.

Screaming at her is not on and I'd be very unhappy about that.

StormingNorman · 30/06/2024 15:24

Your husband needs to ask his daughter why she doesn’t want to go home. Something may be going on at home, alternatively she may just need more time with her dad.

Best to talk when it’s not emotionally charged at leaving time. Maybe next time she’s over you can all sit down and have a chat. It sounds like you have a great relationship and she may talk to you in a way she can’t with her parents.

Original poster
Blasianwoman · 30/06/2024 15:25

TheSerenePinkOrca · 30/06/2024 15:18

This sounds VERY odd.

Teenagers CAN be manipulative though. Is there something she gets at her dads that she does NOT get from her mums? e.g. unlimited phone time? more freedom? Later bed times?

You need to talk to her and establish WHY she doesn't want to go. She can't just say she doesn't - she needs to give a clear reason.

Once you have this info, THEN you can act.

Not that I am aware of. The only difference I can think of is that , at her mum's there are 5 other siblings and their bio dad. I know she doesn't get along with her stepfather.

I tried talking to her, but she start crying as soon as we mention her mother or her family life there and would just say " I don't want to talk about it".

My partner tells me that is isn't my business because ' it's MY child'.

OP posts:
wibblywobblywoo · 30/06/2024 15:25

What is he screaming? Not that anything is OK but what is his 'line' - "you do as you're told, you're making this up, don't be so stupid" etc etc. What is your DH saying as his side of their convo and why is he screaming it?

wibblywobblywoo · 30/06/2024 15:27

Blasianwoman · 30/06/2024 15:25

Not that I am aware of. The only difference I can think of is that , at her mum's there are 5 other siblings and their bio dad. I know she doesn't get along with her stepfather.

I tried talking to her, but she start crying as soon as we mention her mother or her family life there and would just say " I don't want to talk about it".

My partner tells me that is isn't my business because ' it's MY child'.

Show quote history

Have to say, first thought goes to abuse by the stepdad. Very, very much hope that's not the case.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 30/06/2024 15:29

This sounds concerning.

it may just be that she doesn’t enjoy living in a hectic house with 5 younger siblings and a step dad she doesn’t like and enjoys being an only at yours. It’s is a bit unusual though as a lot of kids often prefer to live with their mothers even if the home set up is less ideal.

has she ever mentioned anything that would lead you to suspect either the mother or step father could be abusive?

Original poster
Blasianwoman · 30/06/2024 15:30

@wibblywobblywoo From what I am hearing, he's telling her that " You need your mother, it isn't my right to keep you here... Don't make it difficult ... I don't care what you want you are a child..."

And she is just begging. It makes me feel so uneasy. Grabbing his legs, kneeling, saying that he won't even notice she's there.

What in the hell am I supposed to do? Id gladly have her here all the time if she wants to. She is a very calm child, respects the rules, does her homework and clean without complaining.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 30/06/2024 15:30

My partner tells me that is isn't my business because ' it's MY child'.

Tell him to fuck right off with that nonsense. A child being screamed at and abused in your home is very much your business.

Pantaloons99 · 30/06/2024 15:31

Are you not significantly concerned by the behaviour of your partner?? He can have her more often unless it's court ordered.

Sunnydiary · 30/06/2024 15:34

This isn’t normal at all.

Can you take DSD out for coffee and explain that you want to help her, but she needs to talk?

I agree with PP, your DH sounds horrible and I can’t understand his reaction. Do you think he would be the same if she says she is being abused (in any way) by her stepfather?

Toasticles · 30/06/2024 15:39

The fact that despite him shouting at her, dismissing her and her knowing this will be his likely reaction, yet she still makes the request anyway makes me worry.
She's not "trying it on" or being manipulative is she? Because he has already replied no, many times. I would say there is something fundamentally wrong. It could just be sensory sensitivities and overwhelm in a house full of younger siblings, but it could be scapegoating by her stepfather or worse.

BruFord · 30/06/2024 15:40

You’ve been 14,OP, you know full well that this isn’t normal behavior.

i agree with @Sunnydiary , could you invite your SD out for a coffee or smoothie and gently ask her why she doesn’t want to go back to her Mum’s?
It may simply be that she dislikes being in a busy house and much prefers the calm of your home.

Your DH isn’t handling this well at all, his child is very distressed and he’s not trying to find out why. This is no excuse, but some people really are crap at handling emotional outbursts.

FOJN · 30/06/2024 15:41

And she is just begging. It makes me feel so uneasy. Grabbing his legs, kneeling, saying that he won't even notice she's there.

There is something very wrong here. Teens can be manipulative (I was) but once they realise it's getting them nowhere they usually give up. Her reaction to going back to her mothers is extreme.

I think you need to tell your partner to calm down, his behaviour sounds awful.

You obviously care about his daughter would you feel comfortable trying to get to the bottom of what's going on?

wibblywobblywoo · 30/06/2024 15:42

Blasianwoman · 30/06/2024 15:30

@wibblywobblywoo From what I am hearing, he's telling her that " You need your mother, it isn't my right to keep you here... Don't make it difficult ... I don't care what you want you are a child..."

And she is just begging. It makes me feel so uneasy. Grabbing his legs, kneeling, saying that he won't even notice she's there.

What in the hell am I supposed to do? Id gladly have her here all the time if she wants to. She is a very calm child, respects the rules, does her homework and clean without complaining.

"Don't make it difficult" !!!!

Good grief!!!

What a mess OP.

wibblywobblywoo · 30/06/2024 15:43

Pantaloons99 · 30/06/2024 15:31

Are you not significantly concerned by the behaviour of your partner?? He can have her more often unless it's court ordered.

Of course she is, that's why she's posted here, what a ridiculous question!

Zanatdy · 30/06/2024 15:44

This is not normal no. This is really concerning and I couldn’t be with a man like that. He clearly doesn’t care how his daughters life is when she’s at her mums. Do not have children with this man, he’s clearly lacking in any fatherly bond / responsibilities

FOJN · 30/06/2024 15:44

wibblywobblywoo · 30/06/2024 15:27

Have to say, first thought goes to abuse by the stepdad. Very, very much hope that's not the case.

Show quote history

That was my first thought too. I hope I'm wrong.

jeaux90 · 30/06/2024 15:48

If you get a moment alone I would ask her what is going on at home which is making her so distressed about going back.

Pantaloons99 · 30/06/2024 15:51

wibblywobblywoo · 30/06/2024 15:43

Of course she is, that's why she's posted here, what a ridiculous question!

Show quote history

Why thank you for your intelligent insight there. What you have so eloquently articulated ... Actually, no, I don't quite read it that way.

OP, your husband's behaviour is strange. This needs picking apart. I hope the young girl is ok. I'd not feel comfortable with a man doing this,unless theres something more to it.

Original poster
Blasianwoman · 30/06/2024 15:52

I know she isn't being manipulative. My heart (or common sense) is telling me that there must be something wrong with her mother or her stepdad.

I have asked her if she wanted to spend more time with her dad, and that was the reason. The answer is no , she simply doesn't want to go back to her mum's. To be honest, she mostly spends time with me , because we have the same interests and her dad is always at work or freaking out with his immature friends.

My partner refuses to discuss the issue with her mother. I begged him to call her and tell her that their daughter doesn't want to live with her anymore. He refuses that too.

She is more talkative via texts. She texts me everyday when she is not there. So maybe that would be a better option to ask...?

OP posts: