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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worried about my step daughter's behaviour?

241 replies

Blasianwoman · 30/06/2024 15:14

Hi everyone,

This has been driving me crazy, and because I am not a mother, I thought I'd ask mothers if this type of behaviour is normal.

I have been with my partner for 3 years, we moved in together in December 2023. He has a 14yo daughter, she comes every other week, they have 50/50.

Now, everytime she needs to go back to her mother's she cries, begs her father and I to stay. She will refuse to get out of the bathroom and say things like " I will clean the entire house everyday if you let me stay." She seems genuinely terrified of something. I have never met her mother, and my step daughter never mentions her or her siblings.

I can't help but feel emotional, sad and even I pleaded with her father to let her stay. I always get the same response " She is a teen... She is manipulating you .... Her mother is great... It's the law... She is being a brat"

But she is not a brat at all, she seems like a happy kid, loves to cook and is respectful. She is affectionate and loves to give hugs and kisses.

She has to go back tonight to her mum's, and right now I can hear her crying and her father screaming at her.

Is this typical for teenagers?

OP posts:
Emptyheadlock · 30/06/2024 15:53

Your partner is a cold, cruel cunt. And an appalling father.

Please do something to get to the bottom of this.

BruFord · 30/06/2024 15:53

So you’re doing the parenting for your partner? He sounds crap, OP, why are you sticking around?

KreedKafer · 30/06/2024 15:54

Your partner sounds absolutely awful. You sound like the only person in his daughter’s life who actually cares about her.

MyOtherHusbandIsAWash · 30/06/2024 15:56

The first thing that comes to my mind is whether she is being abused, either by mum or more likely mum’s partner or someone else that sees your SD a lot. Her dad needs to establish the problem and quickly.

NDmumoftwo · 30/06/2024 15:58

OP you sound like a lovely step mum. Ask your step daughter whether you can help her - and whether she can explain what's going on or whether there's anything else you can do to help her. TBH, this stinks of some sort of ongoing abuse. It may be better if a neutral third party (school?) uncovers this not you.

FOJN · 30/06/2024 15:58

Thank goodness she has you.

Does your DSD have her own room at her mum's house. Are the 5 siblings her mum's children or step dads from a previous relationship?

Could she prefer having her own space and more attention at your house. I imagine her mum's house is quite loud and a bit chaotic with 6 children.

MrsPinkCock · 30/06/2024 16:00

If your SD is going to open up, it needs to be with someone who feels emotionally safe. Your dick of a partner is not that person. Screaming at her when she’s upset? Telling you it’s his child and not your business? Not okay.

There is obviously something going on. Maybe it’s a simple as feeling like an outsider due to the other bio DC in her home. Maybe something worse. But you need to try and work out what it is and read your idiot DP the riot act!

DontBiteTheCat · 30/06/2024 16:00

You sound like an incredible step mum.

The fact that she would rather live with her vile father than go home is very concerning.

Can you speak to the school?

Waffle78 · 30/06/2024 16:03

She will probably enjoy the attention at yours if she's the only child when she's there. Then she has to go back home with younger siblings taking up her mum and stepdads attention. What's her stepdad like? Does he treat her different to his own biological children?

BirthdayRainbow · 30/06/2024 16:07

What a horrible partner and disgraceful father.

She has to tell someone what is wrong. Tell her you'd be happy for her to stay but without a reason you can't make it happen. She can write it down if that's easier.

urbanbuddha · 30/06/2024 16:07

Ask the NSPCC for advice or give your SD Childline’s number.
Your partner’s a problem - surely he has considered the fact there is abuse?

Iloveshoes123 · 30/06/2024 16:08

I don't know if she is being manipulative it may just be a simple as she gets more attention and space at yours or on the other end of the spectrum there is something awful happening there. Even if it is just a space/peace issue she is still entitled to want to to live with one parent and at her age her parents should be listening to her.
Maybe there is more to this than what you described but to me your DP sounds like an asshole, unless his daughter has serious form for lying and manipulating I think he is treating her awfully (which probably says something about what it is like at her mums that she wants to stay with a dad who shouts at her and doesn't listen to her).

jeaux90 · 30/06/2024 16:08

OP ask the open question, don't feed her the reasons. Just ask her why going home is distressing her.

Original poster
Blasianwoman · 30/06/2024 16:10

Thanks everyone. I will try to address all the questions in this comment

  • Out of the 5 siblings, 3 are her mum's children, 2 older boys are the dad bio kids. But they live them. She is her parents only child.
  • I wasn't living with them before, so I never realised how bad the situation was. I used to see on weekends maybe once a month before I moved in with him
  • Yes, I do most of the "parenting" job when she's there. We often are alone on the weekends because he goes out with his stupid friends.
  • I really have tried to ask her, but she either cries or asks me to stop talking about it. So far all I know is that she doesn't like the mum's husband.
  • No, she doesn't have her own room at her mum's
OP posts:
StripeyDeckchair · 30/06/2024 16:11

I find it slightly odd that in 3 years and with EOY custody, you have never met SDs Mum. Why?
Would an open conversation with her & your partner about SDs behaviour help?
What is SDs behaviour like at her mother's?

TonTonMacoute · 30/06/2024 16:12

I feel sorry for her and for you.

Her father obviously doesn't want to spend more time with her, so it will be difficult for you to convince him even if you can get to the bottom of it all.

If she is living with a stepdad and 5 half siblings (?) it's no wonder she is much happier spending time with you, not sure what you can do about it though.

SallyWD · 30/06/2024 16:13

I can't believe he's screaming at her!! What a bizarre response. If I was her dad I'd be very concerned and wanting to get to the bottom of it.
Instead he's dismissing her, screaming at her, saying she's a brat etc. Why?! Because he doesn't want her moving in?
Perhaps she's being sexually or physically abused or neglected. I have a DD that age and it's not normal. Something is going on.

SeulementUneFois · 30/06/2024 16:13

Most likely abuse, either the stepfather or his older boys.

LondonWeeknd · 30/06/2024 16:14

The two older boys stood out for me. This really can't be ignored any longer.

Original poster
Blasianwoman · 30/06/2024 16:15

@jeaux90

Yes, you are right. I try too but it is always the same answers : I hate stepdad ... Please just let me stay ... Once I am 18 I will never see my family again ... Why do want to know, just let me stay ... I want to live here ... stepdad is horrible .... Mum is not a nice woman

My partner also heard all this, but he thinks I am also being "too emotional" or that " You want to be a mum so you project, if we break up you will never see her again blablabla.

He makes me feel like I am crazy sometimes.

OP posts:
SallyWD · 30/06/2024 16:16

Blasianwoman · 30/06/2024 16:10

Thanks everyone. I will try to address all the questions in this comment

  • Out of the 5 siblings, 3 are her mum's children, 2 older boys are the dad bio kids. But they live them. She is her parents only child.
  • I wasn't living with them before, so I never realised how bad the situation was. I used to see on weekends maybe once a month before I moved in with him
  • Yes, I do most of the "parenting" job when she's there. We often are alone on the weekends because he goes out with his stupid friends.
  • I really have tried to ask her, but she either cries or asks me to stop talking about it. So far all I know is that she doesn't like the mum's husband.
  • No, she doesn't have her own room at her mum's

I think the fact she cries and says she doesn't want to talk about it is concerning. If she was manipulative or making things up she'd say more. I feel she's hiding something.

And your partner is leaving the parenting to you while he goes out with his mates. Awful! This all makes me feel very sad.

pandasorous · 30/06/2024 16:17

wibblywobblywoo · 30/06/2024 15:27

Have to say, first thought goes to abuse by the stepdad. Very, very much hope that's not the case.

Show quote history

that was my first thought too

Original poster
Blasianwoman · 30/06/2024 16:17

@StripeyDeckchair

It's always the stepdad or older brothers that come and pick her up. I once sent the mother a Facebook message and it was a huuuuuge drama. She blocked me, complained to my partner about it, she got mad at me for weeks. So I gave up.

OP posts:
Seeingadistance · 30/06/2024 16:17

Something is very badly wrong here - that poor girl. And her father is abusive too - screaming at her when she's clearly distressed.

AliceMcK · 30/06/2024 16:18

Your DH sounds like a dick, it is not normal behaviour, yes teenagers can be manipulative but this sounds like there is something going on at her mums.

you need a calm conversation with your DH, tell him it is not normal and if he thinks you should but out then he needs to be the one who spends time with her not you as she’s nothing to do with you, as he says. No teenagers get on their knees clinging and screaming not to go home for no reason.

As for SDD I’d be contacting social services and reporting your concerns if your dh dosnt wake up. They can do the right checks. Maybe contact her school too. In fact school first, they will have a relationship with her and can ask the right questions.

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