To be worried about my step daughter's behaviour?

[Blasianwoman]

Hi everyone,

This has been driving me crazy, and because I am not a mother, I thought I'd ask mothers if this type of behaviour is normal.

I have been with my partner for 3 years, we moved in together in December 2023. He has a 14yo daughter, she comes every other week, they have 50/50.

Now, everytime she needs to go back to her mother's she cries, begs her father and I to stay. She will refuse to get out of the bathroom and say things like " I will clean the entire house everyday if you let me stay." She seems genuinely terrified of something. I have never met her mother, and my step daughter never mentions her or her siblings.

I can't help but feel emotional, sad and even I pleaded with her father to let her stay. I always get the same response " She is a teen... She is manipulating you .... Her mother is great... It's the law... She is being a brat"

But she is not a brat at all, she seems like a happy kid, loves to cook and is respectful. She is affectionate and loves to give hugs and kisses.

She has to go back tonight to her mum's, and right now I can hear her crying and her father screaming at her.

Is this typical for teenagers?

But she's repeatedly mentioning the stepfather being the problem. Something's going on.

Your partner is vile and a truly shit dad. How you can stay with him I have no idea.

That aside, keep trying with SD to get her to open up. Could you ask her if something happened at home? It could "just" be her step dad is really shouty or she clashes with her step siblings. It doesn't necessarily mean abuse. Until she starts talking, you're none the wiser.

No it's not normal and I feel so sorry having been there. Luckily my dad let me move in with him. At 14 court would listen to her wishes now and if she wanted to live with her father that would be granted.

Poor girl, both her parents sounds awful.

@Blasianwoman I would involve social services

also, please consider leaving your partner, he is a vile abusive man

Can you speak to the safeguarding lead at the school?
Seems she is desperate not to go back to her mum's house, whatever the reason is, she needs to be able to talk about it, maybe someone neutral via the school might be best?

This makes me feel so uneasy. A stepdad and two older boys in the home, coupled with her behaviour, makes me very concerned. When things are calm between you and her dad can you try and get him to consider any alternative scenarios to just her being ‘manipulative’?

Are you quite young @Blasianwoman ?
I wonder if this happened before you moved in and if it’s having a female that she gets on well with. Someone who is more of a friend than a parent figure?

If you are genuinely concerned that she is living in an abusive situation then maybe approach her school with your concerns.
Your DP sounds awful.

This is so awful. She is so lucky to have you 🙏 If it were me, I'd do everything I could do maintain connection. I wish you could lose the husband and care for SD yourself.

It might not be physical/ sexual abuse but it could just be emotional hell. They're possibly narcissist/ sociopathic at best.

Your husband is a major problem here OP. You should not be with someone like this

Reading this makes me tense up because it brought back so vividly that desperation to stay at my dad’s and not have to go to my mum’s. My stepdad was never physically abusive so I don’t think I could have put it into words at the time why I didn’t want to go there; it’s only really afterwards I’ve recognised that he (and my mum to some extent) were emotionally abusive and that being forced to be there caused a lot of long term harm. The fact that she’s acting so very desperate is a huge red flag and I’m glad you’re picking up on it even though her dad doesn’t seem to be.

I'd be concerned she's being molested by one of the non-biologically related males she lives with. Someone must be awfully wrong at home such that she would prefer to live with a nasty bastard who screams at her and dismisses her distress out of hand no doubt because actually addressing it would cause inconvenience for him.

I hope you're not planning to bring any progeny into this union, @Blasianwoman. You've had a bird's eye view of how he treats the kid he's already got so no need for you to spread the misery still further. Are you a lot younger than him?

The way she is acting isn't normal "teenage" behaviour. However, your partner might feel there is little he can do. Him saying "its the law" is true - he has no more power to not send her back to her mums than if it was the other way round. He might be getting defensive because of that. However, there are things he can do. One is (as others suggested) he talks to her in a calm way when it isn't time for her to go home. Sometime when there isn't any pressure on either of them - while in the car is good for this. I too think SA is possible (it could be other stuff too) - but I wouldn't go suggesting that to her or even necessarily him. You don't want to be left wondering if she is just repeating what was suggested (or leave it open to others arguing that). Whatever the reason is - its better it comes from her. At her age she can have more influence over where she lives. But there is a risk you get accused of "parental alienation" so be careful how you move.

You sound like a good caring stepmum.

Her behaviour sounds like something is very wrong at her mums house. As pp suggested can you take her out of your home to talk, park or country walk, get a coffee or hot choc, somewhere quiet? If you want to be there and support her, tell her so.

I feel sorry for her, she sounds like a good kid and she really must be getting the vi e from her dad that she's not wanted there, nor at her mums/stepdaughter either. Poor girl.

.......................and her dad is always at work or freaking out with his immature friends

WTF?

OP you sound grounded, and you're clearly concerned for this girl.

Your husband sounds like a nasty, immature, abusive POS on the other hand.

Can you get away from him? It doesn't sound like you even respect him, never mind love him.

And the way he's treating his daughter is appalling.

@AstonMartha Yes I can contact the school, and will do. I really can't cope with the situation. It happens every single time.
She could live with us, but I suspect he doesn't want her with us full time.

I am 30, mother is 38 and partner 47.

Sadly agree. Please help her OP! Her dad isn’t doing his job

Why is your partner screaming at his already distressed child?! He should be fucking falling over himself to find out what the hell is going on at that house that is making her too terrified to return. You need to step in and sod the consequences – no, she's not your child but while she is in your house she is in your care and that means you have a say.

That's a big age gap between you.

Have you been together long? And I'd advise you to make sure that your contraception is watertight.

I’m sorry, but your partner doesn’t exactly sound like a very involved parent. He’s not crowning himself in glory by not finding out wtf is going on. Isn’t he worried? Poor kid! (I would find this very unattractive)

As I have just seen on another post my thoughts went to abuse, to me that is the only reason that I can think of to trigger such an extreme reaction in a 14 year old and if it is sexual abuse that would be very difficult for her to talk about. I hope it isn't that. She needs to be out of there if it is.

Fucking hell. Leave and take her with you (you clearly think your Dp is a dick - cut your losses there). Involve social services. Contact the safeguarding team at school. This is horrific. She’s at such a vulnerable age and out of the 4 adults in her life, 3 are shit. You shouldn’t have to step up and be the “grown up” but you absolutely do. It is your business because the protection of children is the primary duty of every adult. I’d be tempted to take her to a hotel tonight if she isn’t “allowed” to stay in her own home with her dad.

This is not at all normal. She is lucky to have you

Definitely something dodgy going on at mums house. My first thought was abusive step dad.

If you don't help this child then when it comes out what is happening you'll more than likely never see her again. It's time the chose. The right thing or the dickhead you're shacked up with.

@Blasianwoman I try too but it is always the same answers : I hate stepdad ... Please just let me stay ... Once I am 18 I will never see my family again ... Why do want to know, just let me stay ... I want to live here ... stepdad is horrible ....

New user - Only joined to tell you this as it's so important.

This 100% sounds like me at 14. I was being sexually abused and groomed by my stepdad. The embarrassment of what was happening to me meant that I couldn't/wouldn't articulate it. All I would say to those I trusted was that I hated him but couldn't say why, and I would be out of there as fast as I could be when I was 18.

I eventually left at 16 and moved in with a 40 year old man. Somebody needs to be there for her so she has somewhere else to turn, rather than being forced to jump from the frying pan into the fire.

Ask her very quietly and gently "Does anything happen that you don't like? Does anybody hurt you or touch you when you don't want them to?" Sit with her and be patient, let her tell you in her own way and time.