Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worried about my step daughter's behaviour?

241 replies

Blasianwoman · 30/06/2024 15:14

Hi everyone,

This has been driving me crazy, and because I am not a mother, I thought I'd ask mothers if this type of behaviour is normal.

I have been with my partner for 3 years, we moved in together in December 2023. He has a 14yo daughter, she comes every other week, they have 50/50.

Now, everytime she needs to go back to her mother's she cries, begs her father and I to stay. She will refuse to get out of the bathroom and say things like " I will clean the entire house everyday if you let me stay." She seems genuinely terrified of something. I have never met her mother, and my step daughter never mentions her or her siblings.

I can't help but feel emotional, sad and even I pleaded with her father to let her stay. I always get the same response " She is a teen... She is manipulating you .... Her mother is great... It's the law... She is being a brat"

But she is not a brat at all, she seems like a happy kid, loves to cook and is respectful. She is affectionate and loves to give hugs and kisses.

She has to go back tonight to her mum's, and right now I can hear her crying and her father screaming at her.

Is this typical for teenagers?

OP posts:
Comtesse · 30/06/2024 17:27

No safeguarding issue? Not sure your confidence is warranted @Direstraightsagain

CowTown · 30/06/2024 17:32

Thanks for looking out for this girl @Blasianwoman . Something is definitely wrong here.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 30/06/2024 17:35

Blasianwoman · 30/06/2024 15:25

Not that I am aware of. The only difference I can think of is that , at her mum's there are 5 other siblings and their bio dad. I know she doesn't get along with her stepfather.

I tried talking to her, but she start crying as soon as we mention her mother or her family life there and would just say " I don't want to talk about it".

My partner tells me that is isn't my business because ' it's MY child'.

Show quote history

The only difference I can think of is that , at her mum's there are 5 other siblings and their bio dad. I know she doesn't get along with her stepfather.

The only difference? Well there's your answer right there. If I were your step daughter I'd be begging to stay with you and her father as well.

ManchesterGirl2 · 30/06/2024 17:36

Wow this is so dysfunctional, both her parents sound awful, and he is being awful to you too.

You're doing the absolute right thing helping the girl. But please don't get trapped in a bad relationship by it. If you split up, could you remain a supportive figure in her life? You're right to think about telling outside authorities, this is quite extreme behaviour and I'd suspect that she's being abused and her father is ignoring it.

Original poster
Blasianwoman · 30/06/2024 17:38

Direstraightsagain · 30/06/2024 17:23

They are amazing at 14. They really switch it on. You can feel like the worst person in the world. But ultimately it’s up to her dad and mum. There’s no safeguarding issue . Perhaps she likes the peace and quiet at yours sometimes but that isn’t a reason to get involved. Perhaps she makes the same fuss when she has to come to you but you don’t know it. I’d more likely investigate counselling incase it’s linked to the divorce and having ‘ 2 homes’ I don’t think she can stay at yours if that isn’t the custody arrangement

How can I not get involved when I am the one cooking for her, helping with homework, taking her to her extracurricular activities, spending time with her?

Then I see her cry and be terrified. So I should just watch it happen, watch her stop eating and crying in the bathroom?

OP posts:
NewDogOwner · 30/06/2024 17:40

This child is in a house full of men and boys who are not related to her. She is hysterical and is begging not to go back? She could be being abused.

Nanny0gg · 30/06/2024 17:40

Blasianwoman · 30/06/2024 16:15

@jeaux90

Yes, you are right. I try too but it is always the same answers : I hate stepdad ... Please just let me stay ... Once I am 18 I will never see my family again ... Why do want to know, just let me stay ... I want to live here ... stepdad is horrible .... Mum is not a nice woman

My partner also heard all this, but he thinks I am also being "too emotional" or that " You want to be a mum so you project, if we break up you will never see her again blablabla.

He makes me feel like I am crazy sometimes.

You are very right to be concerned and I'm glad she has you

But what the hell are you doing with this excuse for a man/parent?

And PLEASE don't get pregnant.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 30/06/2024 17:43

It's a pity you can't leave him and take her with you.

BruFord · 30/06/2024 17:45

Good for you, OP, o hope that you’re able to get to the bottom of this during the extra time.

But, you need to end your crappy relationship with her Dad and find someone better. Do you know any other family members on his side who could also advocate for her? An auntie perhaps? If he’s 47, I’m assuming that her grandparents are 70+ and may not be able to help her
( or perhaps they can if they’re in good health).

Ukhotelsareshit · 30/06/2024 17:46

Not normal AT ALL. My DSD is grown now. But like yours was a polite, loving and respectful child. If she had done this at 14, she’d have been staying with me until we could get to the bottom of it and frankly her Dad could fuck off. I’m not a mother either, but I know when something is seriously amiss.

ThatsAFineLookingHighHorse · 30/06/2024 17:47

Please report it to her school/social services, even if she is staying with you another week. This isn't normal behaviour. Something is clearly not right.

Also, her father's reaction isn't great either. He doesn't want to know because he doesn't want to do right by his own daughter if it means he'll have to raise her going forward. Very sad.

Daleksatemyshed · 30/06/2024 17:47

Frankly both her parents are making a poor job of this, her DM has a houseful that leaves no space or time for her DD but your DH is worse, he could make his DDs life much easier but he can't be bothered. I'd be seeing him in a very negative light Op, he's only willing to keep her at your house if you do everything and now he expects sex as a rrward for being useless.

Silviasilvertoes · 30/06/2024 17:47

wibblywobblywoo · 30/06/2024 15:27

Have to say, first thought goes to abuse by the stepdad. Very, very much hope that's not the case.

Show quote history

This too for me. Hope it’s not but very much agree that sitting down with her and giving her time to talk is essential. Perhaps on your own if she’d be more comfortable than talking in front of her dad. Screaming at her really isn’t helpful or acceptable. You sound very thoughtful and tuned in.

Pigeonqueen · 30/06/2024 17:48

Well done for looking out for her op.

Both her parents sound shit.

MounjaroUser · 30/06/2024 17:49

I would speak to social services and ask if I could foster her - with both of you living nowhere near her parents. It sounds as though she would happily agree to it.

Your partner is awful and you are his daughter's lifeline. Don't let her down.

OnceICaughtACold · 30/06/2024 17:49

Well done OP.

This is going to be really difficult. Get support from everywhere that you can - school is a very good first start. Their website should say who the safeguarding lead is.

I think you know that it’s not as simple as “leave and take her with you”, as some posters have suggested, because you have no legal relationship to her. So while I’d love to tell you to leave him, for the moment it might be better to stay, to protect her. But stay safe and if the relationship takes a turn, ring the police immediately.

User284732 · 30/06/2024 17:53

So the reason he hasn't let her stay previously is because he doesn't want full custody if (when hopefully) you leave him. He gets worse every post. I doubt he'd actually stop you from seeing her if you did leave him, he'd still take advantage of the free childcare.

Donotneedit · 30/06/2024 17:53

I think you need to be little bit careful telling the school without at least discussing this with her first, she currently trusts you and schools are not always terribly skilful about these things. Obviously you need help, if you do talk to the school without her permission then at least tell them to be discreet in terms of talking to her, but it might be better just to say to her that she’s so upset It must be affecting her at school and you’d like to be able to discuss that with someone so at least the pressure can come off a little bit.

rainingsnoring · 30/06/2024 17:55

You sound lovely @Blasianwoman - sensible, kind and strong. As you know, this is absolutely not normal and I would be very concerned about what is going on in her mum's household, even more so because her own father sounds awful too. The poor girl, with two awful sounding parents. I would keep trying to speak to your step DD and see if she will take you into her confidence in time.

On a separate topic, your partner sounds thoroughly immature and an awful father and partner. You deserve much, much better when you are ready to move on.

Sue152 · 30/06/2024 18:01

Goodness it sounds like you're the only person this girl has in her life that cares for her, I'm not surprised she wants to stay with you. Who knows what goes on with the step father and the older brothers - the mother certainly doesn't seem to care. Thank god she has you to try to look out for her OP. What a shame your OH sounds like a complete arse.

Phineyj · 30/06/2024 18:04

I had a friend when I was younger whose only solid relationship with an adult was with her dad's ex wife. Her mum was dead and her dad was useless.

OP, you are more important in this situation than you know, even if it's only at the end of the phone.

Tell the school. It's important they get a full picture. A child like this is at serious risk over the long summer holidays.

BruFord · 30/06/2024 18:27

I think you know that it’s not as simple as “leave and take her with you”, as some posters have suggested, because you have no legal relationship to her.

Yes, @OnceICaughtACold , that’s why I’ve asked whether there are any other family members who could provide support. Also, it would be awful if the OP feels that she has to stay in her crappy relationship longterm. She’s in a difficult position.

jeaux90 · 30/06/2024 18:37

I'm very uneasy about the update on the living situation. Two boys and a stepfather in her home situation that she isn't related to. I really hope by you being on her side, advocating for her to stay, she will trust you and explain her distress.

DollyBelle · 30/06/2024 18:38

As you have lived here for less than a year, it’s clear this young girl is finally getting some much-needed love care and attention that neither of her parents are providing.
Whatever is happening at her other home, something is not right. But you need support in finding out what, and how to deal with it.
It is very concerning how your partner is behaving. It seems you are there as a glorified babysitter and for his needs only. He will be 50 soon - please do not stay around this man any longer than you need to.
It may sound harsh but you are only 30 and have your own life to consider - if you want children of your own, you don’t want to look back on wasted years with this abusive partner.
But you can still be there for this young girl who needs you. Talk to her away from home. Contact someone at her school - they will be far better versed in dealing with these issues. In two or three years she will be of an age where she can perhaps move out.
However, this young girl is not your sole responsibility. Do your own DP know what’s going on and can give you some support.
If you known this man since childhood that’s very concerning. He is clearly very manipulative and has no idea how to be a decent partner or parent.
You already know how to be both. You can be of further support here, but you need help, and eventually your own life back.
When the time is right, you will be a fab mum, hopefully with an equal partner who can match you in every way.

Wontletmeusemynormalname · 30/06/2024 18:51

I'm so glad to read your update. Can you take her out alone, Starbucks drive through or whatever and be gentle but firm, you need to know whats going on. She clearly trusts you.

If she discloses anything....well that's going be a whole new thread.

I have been that child, I'd rather have stayed with my bio dad who SA at me at 8yrs old, but was now married with kids (but saw stepmum more than him) than go home to my stepdad who was beating me.