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Original poster

To be worried about my step daughter's behaviour?

241 replies

Blasianwoman · 30/06/2024 15:14

Hi everyone,

This has been driving me crazy, and because I am not a mother, I thought I'd ask mothers if this type of behaviour is normal.

I have been with my partner for 3 years, we moved in together in December 2023. He has a 14yo daughter, she comes every other week, they have 50/50.

Now, everytime she needs to go back to her mother's she cries, begs her father and I to stay. She will refuse to get out of the bathroom and say things like " I will clean the entire house everyday if you let me stay." She seems genuinely terrified of something. I have never met her mother, and my step daughter never mentions her or her siblings.

I can't help but feel emotional, sad and even I pleaded with her father to let her stay. I always get the same response " She is a teen... She is manipulating you .... Her mother is great... It's the law... She is being a brat"

But she is not a brat at all, she seems like a happy kid, loves to cook and is respectful. She is affectionate and loves to give hugs and kisses.

She has to go back tonight to her mum's, and right now I can hear her crying and her father screaming at her.

Is this typical for teenagers?

OP posts:
AutumnChild99 · 02/07/2024 18:29

Just wanted to say you sound like an amazing person. So many others - especially as young as you - might just look the other way and not want to get involved. Restores my faith in humanity!

AliceMcK · 02/07/2024 18:34

ArtfulDenimSheep · 02/07/2024 14:20

I'm horrified to hear that DSD is back with her Mum. As for her having to share a room with the boys, I may be wrong but I think that is actually illegal for a girl over the age of 10 years old to share a bedroom with brothers. This is very worrying, especially if they are older than her. Why can't she share with her sisters? This is all very worrying
It must be awful for a girl of her age to share a bedroom with older brothers.I really think that you would be better off without him too. He sounds like a right waste of space. I grew up in an environment like this and it has long and lasting adverse effects on me that I still struggle with. It may even be too late for your step daughter. There may not be much you can do about it with not being her biological Mum. But surely if it is illegal for a girl of that age to be sharing her bedroom with older brothers that could be flagged up to social services.

I shared with my 2 brothers, one older one younger just after I turned 13 for about 18 months after my parents went bankrupt and we were made homeless. I love my brothers, they were very respectful of my privacy and it was a period of our lives where I actually don’t remember much sibling fighting because we were doing our bests to look out for each other. But it was still awful as a teenage girl sharing my room with a 16yo brother and 9yo brother. My parents were doing their best and I never felt unsafe it just wasn’t nice.

I can’t imagine how awful it is for this child with two older boys/men in her room and two parents who don’t give a shit.

i have noticed the parents also have something else in common, prioritising their sex lives over their children, that absolutely rings alarm bells.

ArtfulDenimSheep · 02/07/2024 19:07

AliceMcK · 02/07/2024 18:34

I shared with my 2 brothers, one older one younger just after I turned 13 for about 18 months after my parents went bankrupt and we were made homeless. I love my brothers, they were very respectful of my privacy and it was a period of our lives where I actually don’t remember much sibling fighting because we were doing our bests to look out for each other. But it was still awful as a teenage girl sharing my room with a 16yo brother and 9yo brother. My parents were doing their best and I never felt unsafe it just wasn’t nice.

I can’t imagine how awful it is for this child with two older boys/men in her room and two parents who don’t give a shit.

i have noticed the parents also have something else in common, prioritising their sex lives over their children, that absolutely rings alarm bells.

Show quote history

I'm glad that you never felt unsafe when you had to share a bedroom with your 2 brothers for about 18 months when you were a teenager. I can imagine that being very difficult for you. I'm wondering if this poor girl is being abused by the brothers too. This really doesn't bear thinking about. I hope that some help is found fast and that she doesn't have to live there much longer and that if the youngest girls have to be removed that they are kept together, and that if the DS wants to live with the foster Mum she is allowed to, but I can't see that it would be if the girls Father isn't there, and he is hardly a good Father to say the least.

Daleksatemyshed · 02/07/2024 19:18

Frankly your DP ( hopefully ExDP) is a disgusting waste of space as a parent. His DD is clearly being abused/neglected and he cares nothing for that because he doesn't want her with him full time when it will interfere with his drinking and sex life. I'm CF by choice but even I can see that she's a nice kid whose crying out to be rescued. Can you speak to SS on the chance that they can intervene in some way, I know it's a slim chance but short of her going into foster care I don't know how the poor girl can get away from them all. If it was possible for you to become her Foster parent that would be far better.
Please don't go back to your Ex, he'll use her as leverage to keep you there. What a nasty pair he and his ex are, they should be ashamed

Conniebygaslight · 02/07/2024 20:45

Brilliant that you are supporting her and do not go back to your ex scum of a partner but please, please report what is happening. It won’t do you or her any good to keep it secret and you might jeopardise any future hope of looking after her.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 02/07/2024 20:58

I shared with my 2 brothers, one older one younger just after I turned 13 for about 18 months after my parents went bankrupt and we were made homeless. I love my brothers, they were very respectful of my privacy and it was a period of our lives where I actually don’t remember much sibling fighting because we were doing our bests to look out for each other

They arent even her brothers though. They're step brothers. How old are they OP? I think you're doing the right thing contacting the police. It's against all guidance for her to be sharing a room with them and I'm also wondering if there's some abuse going on.

You sound wonderful and it sounds like you're the only person in this poor girls life who she trusts and who cares about her. As others have said, 2 more years and she can choose where she lives any way

ChoccieCornflake · 02/07/2024 21:16

Your are a wonderful parent to this poor girl

I'm so glad you have contacted the police. DO NOT contact the mother though - she sounds abusive too and it could make things much worse. Official channels (ie police) only.

Fannyfiggs · 02/07/2024 21:31

I can't believe what I've just read, that poor child. What a waste of space her parents are. Thank god she has you.

Nanaof1 · 02/07/2024 21:39

Blasianwoman · 02/07/2024 14:33

I bought her another phone and new sim, so she can communicate with me. So she can freely talk ( Thanks to the person who suggested it). With that new number, she opened more, showed me the state of her bedroom, where she sleeps, what she does.

Luckily, I leave about 30mins drive from her. So we can go for a coffee ( She asked me if we could meet alone).

I am afraid I am going to make things worst. I want to contact the mother, I asked DSD to give me her number and surprisingly she did... But will I make things worst??

I decided not to contact her school, but the police directly. I am just waiting to get more proof. DD (kinda) gave me a hint that she would be at her dad's for summer holiday. So I am wondering if I should go back with him so I can spend the summer with her.

To be honest, he's never there anyway. Always with his stupid friends. I took her twice 5 DAYS with my family and he didn't call once.

Please do NOT contact the mother. It will make things worse and also give her time to "create" a story. The 14-year-old needs to take pictures of her bedroom that shows she is sharing it with her SBs. She also needs to realize that to get help, she needs to open up more to any authority that can help, about any abuse going on in the house.

I don't think going back to your NAADP would be a good move. Yes, you will be there when the daughter comes to his house, but it sounds like it would be with conditions, as he obviously sees you as a sexual object and not a person. It will be good for him to do his own cleaning, cooking and washing. When he has his DD, maybe you can volunteer to be company for her as he does his partying with his friends or works.

I hope the teen opens up to the authorities truthfully, so they can help her and her younger siblings. It sounds like a horrid situation for all of them.

Fraaahnces · 03/07/2024 13:58

That poor, frightened, unwanted girl. Don’t contact either parent. Don’t get back with the fucking useless dad. If anything, report to SS and offer to foster her yourself. That would be the best outcome. At least she’d be with someone who gives a shit.

Elsvieta · 03/07/2024 22:12

At the risk of sounding obvious, have you asked her (without your husband around) why she doesn't want to go home?

Does her mum have a partner? Is she scared of him?

BirthdayRainbow · 03/07/2024 22:25

At the risk of sounding obvious @Elsvieta , have you not read the whole of OPs posts?

Original poster
Blasianwoman · 07/07/2024 18:14

Hello Ladies and Gentlemen,

I am here to update my [our] situation, because everything is going downhill. DSD ( let's call her Anna, because I am going to write a long post) agreed for me to talk to the school. Anna even said she preferred school to cops or SS. Anna's father didn't come to the meeting with the school, so I went.

Anna said during the meeting she never ever told me anything, and that the reason she cries when she leaves is " Because we get to watch funny YouTube videos and go shopping and play games. My mum is much better than my dad. I just like [Blasian]"

I felt so stupid at the moment. Anna's mother then had a go at me for being to much involved. I apologise and left.

I went back to my mum's, who is delighted I am not with Anna's father anymore. Not long ago, I received exactly 19 WhatsApp messages of Anna apologising. Asking me not to hate her, sending me pics of gross things in her room and MORE " You are the only person I have can you come at X Park to meet me??? Pls Ily life is cruel I wish you were my mum"

I know the school told me to duck off , but what am I supposed to do? Just move on ? :'(

OP posts:
Original poster
Blasianwoman · 07/07/2024 18:17

Sorry for the spelling mistakes or words missing. I can't bear reading it back.

OP posts:
rhianfitz · 07/07/2024 18:18

you are a great person. I think it's really difficult for someone of her age to open up to school etc. she does know you have her back though. Keep the communication going

DontBiteTheCat · 07/07/2024 18:19

Keep in contact with her OP x

Original poster
Blasianwoman · 07/07/2024 18:25

Anna's father soon, he's going to be 49 and to apologise to me , he wants to take me to Monteserrat ( British Overseas place in the Caribbean; that's one of his joke 'Black woman , white teenage now all you miss is mixed children. So why are you obsessed with Anna? Let's have human rainbow.)

But hey , everyone I am gonna be 31 on the 9th of July. SUMMMMMMER BABIES, you know we love summer.

OP posts:
rainingsnoring · 07/07/2024 18:29

You are not stupid.
It sounds as if she hasn't felt able to tell the truth at the school meeting and chose to let you down by lying rather than risk her mum/ stepdad's anger.
Keep in contact if you can and try to persuade her to go to the police with you when she feels able.
On a brighter note, thank goodness you have split with your awful boyfriend.

DoingTheChaCha · 07/07/2024 18:45

AliceMcK · 02/07/2024 18:34

I shared with my 2 brothers, one older one younger just after I turned 13 for about 18 months after my parents went bankrupt and we were made homeless. I love my brothers, they were very respectful of my privacy and it was a period of our lives where I actually don’t remember much sibling fighting because we were doing our bests to look out for each other. But it was still awful as a teenage girl sharing my room with a 16yo brother and 9yo brother. My parents were doing their best and I never felt unsafe it just wasn’t nice.

I can’t imagine how awful it is for this child with two older boys/men in her room and two parents who don’t give a shit.

i have noticed the parents also have something else in common, prioritising their sex lives over their children, that absolutely rings alarm bells.

Show quote history

From the OP’s posts it sounds like a 14 year old girl is sharing a room with adult stepbrothers (so no blood relation) who are 18 and 21!

No way is that acceptable especially as the young girl is so distressed about going home to her mother’s and mentions hating her stepfather and stepbrother.

If that is correct, are the school aware of this OP?

It’s very difficult situation, especially as quite rightly you are no longer in a relationship with her father, and he didn’t give a shit about what might be happening anyway.

The poor girls reaction to going home, clinging to legs etc, is in now way on the spectrum of normal for a 14 year old if it was just because she preferred her Dad’s as she does more fun things at his Dad’s house, unless she has SN?

She’s at an age where she can say where she’d like to live anyway. It’s unfathomable to me that your ex partner would send her back to her Mums!

I’d contact the NSPCC for advice as the school don’t seem interested. Even if they believe her that she lied, that should have raised concerns anyway. Many abused children are terrified of saying what is happening to them, they could have been threatened and they are also scared of causing trouble in the family despite how awful things are for them as they still love their family no matter how terrible things are.

Agree with keeping talking to her, letting her know that you want to help her, not much more you can do.

Errors · 07/07/2024 18:47

Wow, OP - I have just read all of your posts! What a situation. I’ve no advice but wanted to say how lucky she is to have you

Original poster
Blasianwoman · 07/07/2024 18:53

rainingsnoring · 07/07/2024 18:29

You are not stupid.
It sounds as if she hasn't felt able to tell the truth at the school meeting and chose to let you down by lying rather than risk her mum/ stepdad's anger.
Keep in contact if you can and try to persuade her to go to the police with you when she feels able.
On a brighter note, thank goodness you have split with your awful boyfriend.

Thank you, but if Anna's father didn't come. It feels like a jealous-younger-ruining-family-b*tch.

My mum told me. But , (because I am dumb;I am looking for a third party opinion ) if Anna and my ex ( or not) his ex-wife and all their stupid friends are asking me to not get involved. Then what should I ???
Thank you every

Unfortunately, I doubt I can do anything for Anna. I guess I we will text until she is 16 - THANK YOU FOR THE PERSON WHO TOLD ME 16 IS THE AGE YOU CAN LEAVE- and she will have a home to go to.

Thanks because she is a "teenager and you are not her mother."

I mean EVEN the school told me I had no role in this.

Thank you MN Mamas,

OP posts:
ArtfulDenimSheep · 07/07/2024 18:55

It could be the Anna felt uncomfortable talking about any abuse that is going on with her Mum there, so denied even saying anything to you, and just said what she did. It's a really complex situation and I don't really know what to say, but I can remember being that age and if I'd been asked to open up about anything as sensitive as this in front of my Mum and the school counselor, I think that I would have denied having said anything. She is only 14 and not an adult yet so may be confused and embarrassed and denial is just the easiest way out of what might have been an uncomfortable situation for her. If I were you I wouldn't get back with her Father but would still keep in contact with Anna, but I worry about the toll it must be having on you, are you able to talk to anyone about how it's all affecting you other than on here. Hope that it's helping to unburden here.

rainingsnoring · 07/07/2024 19:01

@Blasianwoman are you drunk or very upset? Your posting style/ general English is totally different to the earlier posts.

Assuming that this is genuine, it doesn't really matter what the mum thinks. You have multiple messages and photos from 'Anna'. You should report it to the authorities because anyone with this information should do this to potentially help a child who has told you that she is being abused. How they investigate is up to them and not something you will be able to control. You can only report and support the girl if you feel that you continue to do this.

Original poster
Blasianwoman · 07/07/2024 22:17

rainingsnoring · 07/07/2024 19:01

@Blasianwoman are you drunk or very upset? Your posting style/ general English is totally different to the earlier posts.

Assuming that this is genuine, it doesn't really matter what the mum thinks. You have multiple messages and photos from 'Anna'. You should report it to the authorities because anyone with this information should do this to potentially help a child who has told you that she is being abused. How they investigate is up to them and not something you will be able to control. You can only report and support the girl if you feel that you continue to do this.

No. I am not drunk, and I find it very insulting. OK, now I am afraid to post again. Goodbye

OP posts:
ArtfulDenimSheep · 08/07/2024 00:14

I thought that it was me who was being asked if I was drunk or just very upset. I can assure you that I am not drunk but I am very upset about the situation you have found yourself in and even more upset to be though of as drunk, I'm not sure if this was left for me or the poster that thought it was for them. If it was meant for artful denim sheep, a user name I chose from a selection offered to me by Mumsnet, I wasn't aware that my posting context was different to before. Sorry if it seemed that way.