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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worried about my step daughter's behaviour?

241 replies

Blasianwoman · 30/06/2024 15:14

Hi everyone,

This has been driving me crazy, and because I am not a mother, I thought I'd ask mothers if this type of behaviour is normal.

I have been with my partner for 3 years, we moved in together in December 2023. He has a 14yo daughter, she comes every other week, they have 50/50.

Now, everytime she needs to go back to her mother's she cries, begs her father and I to stay. She will refuse to get out of the bathroom and say things like " I will clean the entire house everyday if you let me stay." She seems genuinely terrified of something. I have never met her mother, and my step daughter never mentions her or her siblings.

I can't help but feel emotional, sad and even I pleaded with her father to let her stay. I always get the same response " She is a teen... She is manipulating you .... Her mother is great... It's the law... She is being a brat"

But she is not a brat at all, she seems like a happy kid, loves to cook and is respectful. She is affectionate and loves to give hugs and kisses.

She has to go back tonight to her mum's, and right now I can hear her crying and her father screaming at her.

Is this typical for teenagers?

OP posts:
Inthemosquitogarden · 30/06/2024 16:54

Even if there was no abuse, going from your house back into a house with 7 other people - including 5 half or step siblings - sounds absolutely chaotic unless it is very well run and organised / they are very rich with lots of space. I would have hated to share a room at that age with a step/half sibling whom I didn’t get on with.

We currently have guests staying so we are 8 people in our large 7 bed house with 3 bathrooms. I can’t imagine this being a normal number of people to live with day in day out. How much room is there for them all?

your poor step daughter.

Bunnycat101 · 30/06/2024 16:55

I would say this sounds worrying as well. From what you’ve said, your partner isn’t exactly father of the year so there is obviously something at her mother’s house that is causing distress rather than a particular desire to see her father.

You also need to be a bit careful here. Be careful about tying yourself to your partner as he sounds shit but also be very conscious that if you split you will likely have no more access to the 14yo. That is not a reason to be tied to him but I’d want to know what was happening to the poor girl as no-one else seemingly cares.

Mumofoneandone · 30/06/2024 16:55

Be there for this poor girl, come what may. Whilst you're not a parent, you can still have compassion and understanding towards someone who you are in a parenting role with.
Whilst teenagers can be a nightmare, they equally can display concerning behaviour because something is wrong that they can't articulate any other way.
Sounds like your other half trusts you to mother her when he wants to be off doing other things but not when it doesn't suit him!
Could you suggest she spends more time with you over the summer holidays?
I think you also need to reconsider your relationship with this guy, as he doesn't sound very nice. Also, possibly contacting school/SS/safeguarding about this lass. Let her know you are there no matter what.

Katbum · 30/06/2024 16:56

OP it’s not your child but it is your home. And you have a relationship with this child. You absolutely get to have a say about how she is parented under your roof. When we took my SD in I was very clear with my OP that even though her mother endorses smacking, there would be no smacking in our house. The same goes for screaming at her. You need to tell your DH that he is being a poor parent by not investigating further why she wants to stay with you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/06/2024 16:57

Thank you for caring. I hope your SD will open up to you. And you’re not dumb for starting a relationship with him. He doesn’t sound like a good father, but that’s on him, not you. You’re probably only now seeing the real him.

Conniebygaslight · 30/06/2024 16:57

Awful situation OP your partner needs locking up. I’m a step-mum and there’s no way my DH would’ve ignored his DC saying things like this and I would’ve left him if he did. Call the school and report.

FOJN · 30/06/2024 16:58

He simply told me " OK you will have to take care of her, and you can't leave me." It's a temporary solution, but I am happy to do it. And then that pig tried to have sex with me.

He really is a pig isn't he. He doesn't care about his daughter's well being as long as he doesn't have to look after her.

After you've made sure this young girl has a safe and secure home environment I'd think about leaving yourself.

pasturesgreen · 30/06/2024 16:59

That doesn't sound normal and I'd be worried what's going on at Mum's to elicit such a distressed reaction from DSD.

Bit rubbish that your DH is being so dismissive about it.

Edited to add that I don't like the situation with the stepdad at all.

Blondeshavemorefun · 30/06/2024 17:00

Poor girl. Sounds like neither parent want her 🥲

Interl0per · 30/06/2024 17:00

Blasianwoman · 30/06/2024 16:51

OK, I have good news ( well sort of). I have have talked him and I, he agreed to let her stay another week at least, until she calms down and we find out what is going on.

I told him, I'd be alerting authorities. That's when he agreed to call the mother. AND the mother seem to not give a f*ck, if her daughter is coming home or not.

He simply told me " OK you will have to take care of her, and you can't leave me." It's a temporary solution, but I am happy to do it. And then that pig tried to have sex with me.

I am hoping now that, she will feel safe enough to tell me something.

Great that she can stay for another week. When she's calmer, that could be a helpful way to show her that you are taking her seriously and listening to her. You might need that to help her understand that this arrangement can't carry on without understanding the situation better.

urbanbuddha · 30/06/2024 17:01

I told him, I'd be alerting authorities.

Follow through on this. Your partner doesn’t have the skills to help his daughter and you don’t have the authority.

TheBerry · 30/06/2024 17:02

Omg… is this real??

If so, well done for being a caring person and looking out for SD. You’re doing the right thing.

Let us know once you get to the bottom of it, I’m invested.

NaughtyNanna62 · 30/06/2024 17:03

JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam · 30/06/2024 16:39

Are you me?

I left at 17 and shacked up with a 40 year old bloke for a couple of years!

Amazing what damage it does isn’t it?

Show quote history

It does. It lives with you for a long time too. Spent half my life fucking up and only really got my shit together in my forties.

That poor kid needs help now if that's what's happening.

RedHelenB · 30/06/2024 17:07

Blasianwoman · 30/06/2024 16:15

@jeaux90

Yes, you are right. I try too but it is always the same answers : I hate stepdad ... Please just let me stay ... Once I am 18 I will never see my family again ... Why do want to know, just let me stay ... I want to live here ... stepdad is horrible .... Mum is not a nice woman

My partner also heard all this, but he thinks I am also being "too emotional" or that " You want to be a mum so you project, if we break up you will never see her again blablabla.

He makes me feel like I am crazy sometimes.

I'd suggest to her that she tells someone at school.

Singersong · 30/06/2024 17:07

You have potentially saved that girl from god knows what. Well done OP. I hope you are able to get to the bottom of it and help her.

MrsSunshine2b · 30/06/2024 17:07

The biggest red flag for you right now is your DH.

He knows there's something wrong, but he's pretending there isn't because he doesn't want to take full time responsibility for his daughter. It's not the law. If a 14 yo said in court that they wish to live with their father, the court would accept that with very little further explanation required. It would cost a matter of a couple of hundred quid.

He doesn't want her, and she knows that, and he doesn't care to even try to find out if she's safe or not.

This is not a good father or a good man.

TheShellBeach · 30/06/2024 17:09

Blasianwoman · 30/06/2024 16:54

To the person who asked, yes, he is nearly 18 years older than me. We have been together for 3 years, but I have known him since i was a child. Yes I am dumb. I know.

No, you're not.
At least you haven't added another child to this mess.
You can get yourself out of it, and help your SD.

Keep posting.

liebherr · 30/06/2024 17:09

You DH sounds worse with every post. He's known you since you were a child? Telling you that you can't leave him? I think you know what you have to do, not just for this poor kid.

TheShellBeach · 30/06/2024 17:11

You're obviously in a difficult, abusive relationship.

Is there somewhere safe you can go to?

MrsSunshine2b · 30/06/2024 17:13

Blasianwoman · 30/06/2024 16:54

To the person who asked, yes, he is nearly 18 years older than me. We have been together for 3 years, but I have known him since i was a child. Yes I am dumb. I know.

You're not dumb at all. You're a very caring person who has been groomed by a much older man since childhood. And he's now blackmailing you into caring for his daughter.

notbelieved · 30/06/2024 17:14

Quietly phone the school, OP and let them know. Tell them you're step mum, tell them what's happening re: SD not wanting to go home, not talking about it other than to say it's about step dad. School will do the rest.

setmestraightplease · 30/06/2024 17:15

@Blasianwoman Yes I am dumb. I know.

You're definitely not!! You're trying to help a child.

Absolute worst case scenario - SD has been manipulating everyone (but I very much doubt it). You find out what's true and no harm done.

Or, SD hasn't been manipulating everyone and you've been there to help, thank God! You find out what's true and further harm can be prevented.

(Separate issue: either way, you've also learned something very unpleasant about your partner )

Threeboysadogacatandakitten · 30/06/2024 17:19

Not the same thing but when I was young I had stomach migraine (50 years ago so understood even less than it is today). The GP’s told my parents I was making it up, pretending to be ill. My mum felt they were wrong as “you know your own child” whereas my dad believed that I’d the Dr said it then they must be right. He used to get extremely frustrated when I was unwell, shout at me and tell me I was upsetting the whole family with my nonsense. I later discovered that he had told my mum he would take me out of school for a long holiday or get me anything I wanted if it would make me better. He just didn’t know how to cope with something he didn’t understand. If your dsd is just saying that there’s no real reason other than not liking her stepdad he might feel he has to return her to her mother and just feel she is being difficult rather than reading between the lines.

Could you take her out for the day next time she is with you. Do you drive? I find my boys tell me quite a lot when we are in the car together. A walk and picnic on the beach, park or forest, whatever you have in reach and see if she talks. You could speak to her school but as you don’t have parental responsibility, they may be able to listen but won’t communicate with you and might want to inform her parents which might open a whole new can of worms.

My dsd grew up in an abusive household and we knew nothing about it at the time. Dh still doesn’t know most of it because she chooses not to tell him and she’s a mother herself now.

Direstraightsagain · 30/06/2024 17:23

They are amazing at 14. They really switch it on. You can feel like the worst person in the world. But ultimately it’s up to her dad and mum. There’s no safeguarding issue . Perhaps she likes the peace and quiet at yours sometimes but that isn’t a reason to get involved. Perhaps she makes the same fuss when she has to come to you but you don’t know it. I’d more likely investigate counselling incase it’s linked to the divorce and having ‘ 2 homes’ I don’t think she can stay at yours if that isn’t the custody arrangement

SallyWD · 30/06/2024 17:27

Direstraightsagain · 30/06/2024 17:23

They are amazing at 14. They really switch it on. You can feel like the worst person in the world. But ultimately it’s up to her dad and mum. There’s no safeguarding issue . Perhaps she likes the peace and quiet at yours sometimes but that isn’t a reason to get involved. Perhaps she makes the same fuss when she has to come to you but you don’t know it. I’d more likely investigate counselling incase it’s linked to the divorce and having ‘ 2 homes’ I don’t think she can stay at yours if that isn’t the custody arrangement

I'm interested to know how you know there's no safeguarding issue?