To be worried about my step daughter's behaviour?

[Blasianwoman]

Hi everyone,

This has been driving me crazy, and because I am not a mother, I thought I'd ask mothers if this type of behaviour is normal.

I have been with my partner for 3 years, we moved in together in December 2023. He has a 14yo daughter, she comes every other week, they have 50/50.

Now, everytime she needs to go back to her mother's she cries, begs her father and I to stay. She will refuse to get out of the bathroom and say things like " I will clean the entire house everyday if you let me stay." She seems genuinely terrified of something. I have never met her mother, and my step daughter never mentions her or her siblings.

I can't help but feel emotional, sad and even I pleaded with her father to let her stay. I always get the same response " She is a teen... She is manipulating you .... Her mother is great... It's the law... She is being a brat"

But she is not a brat at all, she seems like a happy kid, loves to cook and is respectful. She is affectionate and loves to give hugs and kisses.

She has to go back tonight to her mum's, and right now I can hear her crying and her father screaming at her.

Is this typical for teenagers?

This!!!

And what's the law?? If it went to court it would be DDs choice as she's over 11.

It's definitely not normal behaviour, have you tried taking her out on her own and talking to her? I'd be being quite firm in telling her, you can't help her if she doesn't tell you why she doesn't want to go home. Now you've given a bit more background it does sound like there is some sort of abuse going on.

Believe her and ditch your husband. Has it not crossed his mind that she could be getting sexually abused (I'm not jumping to conclusions, just using it for context).

You can't get too involved here.

Your partner sounds shit and I'm going to assume your relationship won't last so please don't make promises to this girl that you can't keep.

So pleased she has you and that you are empathetic to her and concerned about what may be happening in her life.

OP you sound like a better parent than all three of her parents combined. If your partner didn’t have his DD would your relationship with each other be better or worse? In your shoes I would say to your SD “oh did you know phones can do this?” And show her how to delete sent messages from her phone. Then ask about her family life/mum/step dad via text at some point. The fact that she’s generally a good kid but is begging on her knees when she has to leave is ringing alarm bells

This is exactly what I thought.

How does that poor girl cope with really not wanting to go and live at her mums but also knowing her dad doesn't want her either.

I'm so glad she has you.

When I was screaming, crying and begging my mother not to send me home it was because I was being abused by my step mother.

Turns out my mother knew I found out in adulthood so that’s nice 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Take your stepdaughter somewhere quiet and private and chat to her, see if you can find out why she doesn’t want to go home.

She is lucky to have you. Her parents don’t sound very supportive or helpful.
How can a father “scream” as his distressed child like that? She’s not being a brat, she sounds very upset.

Are you me?

I left at 17 and shacked up with a 40 year old bloke for a couple of years!

Amazing what damage it does isn’t it?

Ditto...

She's so lucky to have you worry about her and be there for her.

How is she about getting into the car when she's picked up - is she reluctant? Does she look scared?

It does sound like her dad just can't be bothered to get to the bottom of it.

She obviously feels safe with you so as PP has suggested when she texts you, ask questions along the lines of " Do you want to tell me why you hate going back to your mum's? / Does anything happen that you don't like? / Does anybody hurt you or touch you when you don't want them to?"

She may find it easier to talk about via text?

I realy hope you manage to find out what it is - she sounds so unhappy

Your partner sounds horrible! Are you happy with him?

Tell him straight he needs to find out what is going on here. This is so not normal behaviour from a 14 year old and her father should be seriously concerned!

You have to help this possibly endangered child. Every other adult in her life is failing her!

I suspect the stepfather is abusing her. From what you've written it absolutely sounds that way. You have to protect her!

Oh, and your OH is a despicable human being.

Or as a human being who is being begged for help by a child you help them..

JC.

Her dad needs to listen to his daughter, there is a reason she doesn't want to go she possibly can't articulate it at the moment.
Sadly I know from experience of my son being increasingly reluctant and eventually breaking down to tell me the real reasons he didn't want to spend time with his father who he had previously idolised. He was being sent back to an abusive household.
I hope this isn't the case for your SD, but it sounds worrying to be honest.

Not read any replies but I can't help but think this screams issues with step father or his two kids. Emotional abuse which could range from basic bullying to much much worse or actual physical abuse.

Girls usually want their mums so the fact she's desperate to stay screams major alarm bells to me, it's so sad

The poor girl. She's unhappy at her mum's and then has her dad screaming at her.

There is clearly something very wrong at her mum's house. Please report this to children's services. It is not normal for a DC to act how she is. And please tell your DP to stop being abusive to her too. Such a sad situation.

I would reiterate the suggestion to contact the school. If there is something going on, they will have the right connections to get things put in place to help.

If you think she might be worried about saying something by phone in case it's seen, then maybe you could offer her a cheap and cheerful 2nd mobile, that she could use to contact you without others knowing.
But do protect yourself: save your messages so it's clear you're not sending her anything you shouldn't be

Just read all the post updates, thank God that this poor girl has you, it sounds as if some horrible stuff is going on at her mum's home which needs to be investigated immediately and it is not right that it should all fall on the shoulders of the OP. The dad should be moving heaven and earth to find out what is causing this child so much distress. Give her the space to talk her way through her home life, use open questions "can you tell me how the week goes for you at home?" might be a way begin the conversation. I wish you could just scoop her up and the two of you could start a life together in peace, she sounds like a sweet girl who deserves better .

OK.

I would wonder what is going on in the family dynamic at her mum's.

She may not have the words to identify and express her emotions which is why it comes out in the way it does.

I also hope it's not the case but a friend of mine's daughter was abused by her mum's partner's teenage son. She was younger than your SD when it happened and was removed from her mother's care by SS.

Sadly, it happens.

Whatever it is, there's a very real reason your SD doesn't want to go back to her mum's and that needs to be explored properly.

OK, I have good news ( well sort of). I have have talked him and I, he agreed to let her stay another week at least, until she calms down and we find out what is going on.

I told him, I'd be alerting authorities. That's when he agreed to call the mother. AND the mother seem to not give a f*ck, if her daughter is coming home or not.

He simply told me " OK you will have to take care of her, and you can't leave me." It's a temporary solution, but I am happy to do it. And then that pig tried to have sex with me.

I am hoping now that, she will feel safe enough to tell me something.

Sorry but it's concerning that your partner hears her child that much in distress and hears that she doesn't like this stepdad and he isn't concerned? I would be making sure I got to be bottom of it in case anything was going on.

Unfortunately it happened to a "friends" daughter of mine, they just didn't listen to her. Turns out she was being majorly abused by the stepdad. Not saying that is this situation but they should have listened to her when she begged them

Spot on!

I would also recommend telling the school.

They might well have already noticed differing behaviour patterns in her. They won't tell you if they already have concerns but they won't think you're overstepping if you mention it to them.

You'd be doing the right thing. Safeguarding is all about building a picture. You might hold a piece that is currently missing for them.

To the person who asked, yes, he is nearly 18 years older than me. We have been together for 3 years, but I have known him since i was a child. Yes I am dumb. I know.

Go with your gut. Be there for her. Perhaps she’ll open up to you privately for support in time if you keep showing her you can be trusted and you’re there. Something is not right at home this is not normal teen or not. Very concerning