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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex H child is not my concern

151 replies

Sombrespoon · 30/06/2024 11:35

I have been divorced for several years we have one child.
it has been acrimonious- lots of coercive behaviour on his part, no child support, changing agreements to suit himself and a couple of years ago I bit the bullet and went to family courtI which he was furious about especially as he was hauled over the coals for his behaviour towards me and our daughter.

at the point of starting to court I promised myself I would not allow him to appeal to my better character as I have done in the past- if he refuses to meet me halfway, I’m not making up for his deficit anymore kind of thing.

since final orders he has spat the dummy out big time and seen our tween twice in 8 months. However for the last couple of months he has been sending me messages asking me to organise time for our DD to spend time with another ex of his with whom he shares a five year old daughter.

to my knowledge my daughter has not spend much time with this child although knows it’s her sister and probably sees a handful of times a year.

the texts are basically asking me to do the running around dropping her off and picking her up, organising a birthday card from our daughter to his other daughter and arranging ‘suprise’ video calls to his other daughter who apparently is having a rough time at school. He forwards me emotionally charged texts from the other baby mum saying that their kid is crying for our kid etc (which I think is rubbish because they don’t really know each other that well)

the line in the sand part of me thinks none of this is anything to do with me and if he wants his kids to build a relationship he has had bloody years to do so- and if he wants to start now he needs to organise all this himself.

the part of me that is my true character thinks I should just do it to make sure the kids spend time together it’s neither of there faults that their dad is a spectacular disappointment

my daughter has been let down by her dad so much I’m worried this too will end up in disappointment and frankly I’m sick to death of picking up his slack. Anything to do with him or his family makes me cringe as they have treated me so badly over the years.

i know what the “right” thing is but AIBU to just say not my problem?

OP posts:
SeulementUneFois · 30/06/2024 11:37

You are 100% OP - don't be his skivvy.
Stay strong.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 30/06/2024 11:37

It's not your job to facilitate this

eish · 30/06/2024 11:38

That is for him to organise, in his contact time. Absolutely nothing to do with you.

TimeGoesBySoSlowlyForThoseWhoWait · 30/06/2024 11:39

It’s for him to organise on his time. Forwarding on texts is not on. Keep everything you have for future reference. He can’t be fucked to see his daughter in his own and thinks you need to organise other people to be there.

UpUpUpU · 30/06/2024 11:39

It would be a nope from me! Ignore any texts that not to do with your daughter and your daughter only.

FuzzyStripes · 30/06/2024 11:41

It’s not your problem, I agree.

Take your ex out of this for a moment. Would your DD and her half sister want the opportunity to have a good relationship between them? If so, I’d consider facilitating a regular video call for them to talk but I would be doing it for your DD’s sake. I wouldn’t get involved in convoluted drop offs and pick ups etc; he can do that during his biannual time caring for your DD.

Andwegoroundagain · 30/06/2024 11:41

This is absolutely not your problem. Of course you shouldn't stand in the way of this supposed relationship between the two half siblings and if there's a phone call or whatever fine no problem.

However you do not need to be organising birthday cards, doing drop offs or pickups or anything of that ilk. That is for him to organise.

I'd just write back simply and say "dear ex, I'm very happy for DD to have a relationship with her half sister and I'm sorry to hear half sis is having a hard time at school. However I do not have the capacity to organise trips or cards or calls so if you would like to organise things then please do so according to the contact schedule (or whatever arrangements they are) and I'll make sure DD is available of course. "

Mouswife · 30/06/2024 11:42

Please do not get drawn back in !!! Your dd will eh nothing out of this, it’s frankly to make him look good. Why are you even considering this. Just say no, ignore and delete all messages related to this from now on.
his circus, his monkeys !!

GillySoose · 30/06/2024 11:42

He's barking.

All of that is for him to arrange and facilitate. Why the fuck is he putting that on you?

Berga · 30/06/2024 11:43

If he wasn't such a shitbag, his daughters would see each other at his house, through his facilitation.

Your ex clearly loves/expects women running around after him. Don't facilitate that.

pikkumyy77 · 30/06/2024 11:43

I think it would be downright terrible to foster a relationship between the two girls on the basis of their relationship through this horrible man. If, when they ate sdults, they want to find rach other that is a different story. But I don’t think its a good idea to teach either of them (not yours and not the five year old) that the women in a man’s life need to flap around doing his bidding or taking on his emotional work for him, even out of sisterly solidarity. You aren’t his harem, for god’s sake!

socks1107 · 30/06/2024 11:43

Absolutely not your problem. I'd ignore any requests and keep all contact about when is going to see your shared child

TimeGoesBySoSlowlyForThoseWhoWait · 30/06/2024 11:44

He can buy a fucking card. He’s using it to control you. He just orders one from Amazon and sticks your daughter name in it. It takes more effort to message you about it!!! It’s all about control

TimeGoesBySoSlowlyForThoseWhoWait · 30/06/2024 11:44

pikkumyy77 · 30/06/2024 11:43

I think it would be downright terrible to foster a relationship between the two girls on the basis of their relationship through this horrible man. If, when they ate sdults, they want to find rach other that is a different story. But I don’t think its a good idea to teach either of them (not yours and not the five year old) that the women in a man’s life need to flap around doing his bidding or taking on his emotional work for him, even out of sisterly solidarity. You aren’t his harem, for god’s sake!

This

Original poster
Sombrespoon · 30/06/2024 11:45

GillySoose · 30/06/2024 11:42

He's barking.

All of that is for him to arrange and facilitate. Why the fuck is he putting that on you?

he knows that deep down this would put me in a really awkward bind.
my dad separated me and my full bio brother from our half brothers when he and my mum divorced and how sad this made me and affected me.
I think he is trying to make me feel like shit in the only way he knows I will potentially respond.

OP posts:
Sicario · 30/06/2024 11:47

Absolutely not your problem. Do not get sucked in. A firm NO reply, or ignore all such messages.

Your only priority is your own relationship with your daughter. Do not allow anything to blow that off course.

Your X is trying to outsource all responsibility, as those kind of men always do.

Whothefuckdoesthat · 30/06/2024 11:48

At the point of starting to court I promised myself I would not allow him to appeal to my better character as I have done in the past- if he refuses to meet me halfway, I’m not making up for his deficit anymore kind of thing

And this is exactly what he is trying to do now. I’m assuming you haven’t stopped him from seeing her? And he’s still allowed to see the other child? Then it’s completely in his power to foster a relationship between the two children. If he isn’t doing it, it’s because he can’t be bothered. There can literally be no other reason. The only possible reason would be if he’d been banned from seeing or speaking to either child.

I’m assuming he still has the use of all of his limbs? Then there is no reason that he cannot organise a call or buy a card. If he forwards you an emotional text from the other mum, then the only response is ‘what a sad situation. How lucky you are that it’s all within your power to make your children happy. Do let me know when you want to see DD.’

Purplecatshopaholic · 30/06/2024 11:50

Nope, I would not entertain this on any level. He’s trying to manipulate you. This is his issue to sort - do not get suckered in.

Whothefuckdoesthat · 30/06/2024 11:52

Sombrespoon · 30/06/2024 11:45

he knows that deep down this would put me in a really awkward bind.
my dad separated me and my full bio brother from our half brothers when he and my mum divorced and how sad this made me and affected me.
I think he is trying to make me feel like shit in the only way he knows I will potentially respond.

Show quote history

So he’s prepared to emotionally blackmail you by using your own horrible experiences simply because he’s too lazy to do it himself?

What an absolute ballbag of a man. Don’t fall for it. This is for him, not your DD.

gardenmusic · 30/06/2024 11:53

Do nothing at his bidding or request, but if you would like your daughter and her half sister to have contact, arrange directly with the other child's mother.
This has nothing to do with him.
Do nothing to include or facilitate him.

magnoliablooms · 30/06/2024 11:54

Andwegoroundagain · 30/06/2024 11:41

This is absolutely not your problem. Of course you shouldn't stand in the way of this supposed relationship between the two half siblings and if there's a phone call or whatever fine no problem.

However you do not need to be organising birthday cards, doing drop offs or pickups or anything of that ilk. That is for him to organise.

I'd just write back simply and say "dear ex, I'm very happy for DD to have a relationship with her half sister and I'm sorry to hear half sis is having a hard time at school. However I do not have the capacity to organise trips or cards or calls so if you would like to organise things then please do so according to the contact schedule (or whatever arrangements they are) and I'll make sure DD is available of course. "

This is perfect

Floofydawg · 30/06/2024 11:56

Emotional blackmail. Nice. I'd be blocking his number if I were you.

Toooldforthis36 · 30/06/2024 12:01

“YOU DO IT”

That would be all the response this chancer deserves.

gardenmusic · 30/06/2024 12:01

Speaking as someone with two half brothers, I want them (sometimes!) I need them, and nothing on earth would separate me from them. Luckily I feel the same about my sister in laws!
I think this has to be led by your child's wishes, but do not facilitate him in any way.

masomenos · 30/06/2024 12:04

He has seen your DD twice in 8 months. That must have included Christmas. This is all anyone needs to know about the quality of this man.

You need to protect your DD from him, not enmesh her further. YOU wouldn’t be holding her back from a relationship with her half-sister: HE would be - they’re his children (only one of them is yours), he wants it, he needs to pull his finger out. All you’re doing is not making life easier for him - something you have no obligation to do. If he chooses to enmesh his daughters, that’s on him. Do not get involved.