Ex H child is not my concern

[Sombrespoon]

I have been divorced for several years we have one child.
it has been acrimonious- lots of coercive behaviour on his part, no child support, changing agreements to suit himself and a couple of years ago I bit the bullet and went to family courtI which he was furious about especially as he was hauled over the coals for his behaviour towards me and our daughter.

at the point of starting to court I promised myself I would not allow him to appeal to my better character as I have done in the past- if he refuses to meet me halfway, I’m not making up for his deficit anymore kind of thing.

since final orders he has spat the dummy out big time and seen our tween twice in 8 months. However for the last couple of months he has been sending me messages asking me to organise time for our DD to spend time with another ex of his with whom he shares a five year old daughter.

to my knowledge my daughter has not spend much time with this child although knows it’s her sister and probably sees a handful of times a year.

the texts are basically asking me to do the running around dropping her off and picking her up, organising a birthday card from our daughter to his other daughter and arranging ‘suprise’ video calls to his other daughter who apparently is having a rough time at school. He forwards me emotionally charged texts from the other baby mum saying that their kid is crying for our kid etc (which I think is rubbish because they don’t really know each other that well)

the line in the sand part of me thinks none of this is anything to do with me and if he wants his kids to build a relationship he has had bloody years to do so- and if he wants to start now he needs to organise all this himself.

the part of me that is my true character thinks I should just do it to make sure the kids spend time together it’s neither of there faults that their dad is a spectacular disappointment

my daughter has been let down by her dad so much I’m worried this too will end up in disappointment and frankly I’m sick to death of picking up his slack. Anything to do with him or his family makes me cringe as they have treated me so badly over the years.

i know what the “right” thing is but AIBU to just say not my problem?

@StormingNorman is right. Although it is 100% your ex's responsibility to nurture the relationship, the reality is that many parents have to do extra work because they co-parent with a shit human being. So it really depends on how valuable the relationship is to your DD.

So he is still messing with your head. With the added benefit (for him) of getting you to carry on doing his wife work.

You know that, if you do get involved in facilitating the relationship between the two children, it just opens up a swamp of possibilities for him to deepen his involvement with your life. You get a card - why didn't you sign it from Daddy as well as DD? You said you'd call on Friday after school, and you didn't call until 6 - you upset my daughters!!! You bought her Malibu Barbie!!! She wanted Welder Barbie.... You're going to Alton Towers - you're being really mean to both girls if your don't include the little sister.

Once the two girls have bonded, he has the withholding of access to control you and the other girl's mother, since you both care that the girls build a relationship and he doesn't (at least not enough to make it happen).

Also, it gives him greater insight into your life, which is not a good idea with an abusive ex.

Protect yourself and your daughter, your good nature is your enemy here!

I may be overthinking but I'd be a bit wary of facilitating demands he is now starting to make on your daughter. He already expects you to jump through hoops, now he is setting tasks for your daughter too. If you do this aren't you just allowing him to treat her like she treats you, expecting her to #bekind even when he doesn't do the same to her.

My thoughts exactly. Maybe not babysitting in the sole care sense, but it sends a really dodgy message to OP's DD that she isn't worthy of her dad seeing her regularly, only when there is a 5 year old who needs entertaining.

I wouldn't respond at all to prevent any chance of being drawn in tbh.

Does the other mother even know that he is forwarding her texts?

YANBU at all. It’s not your responsibility.

However, in your place I probably would do it even if it wasn’t your responsibility; not to help ex husband or his other child but because your daughter may like to have a relationship with her half sibling in future. Your ex husband should facilitate this himself but it doesn’t sound like he’s going to so I’d step up. I wouldn’t judge anyone who didn’t though, it’s your choice.

I'd have a stock response - next time she's at yours you can sort this.

It sounds like he is going through the same thing separating from this woman as he did with you except they are earlier on in the process. Do you really want to put yourself right back in the middle of that? Because you know where it’s going. Your daughter has already been through it once as well. I bet this has very little to do with his daughters having a relationship and everything to do with his separation from the other girls mother. I would imagine they are exchanging emotional texts etc about her dd having problems and him not being involved enough and his solution is to basically get you to do it. It’s him his daughter is crying out for (if anyone), not your dd. Your getting involved won’t help this situation. I’d stay well out of it, sad though it is.

No where in your posts do you mention what your daughter wants. In your position that would be my only concern.

I don't think you are obliged to facilitate a relationship with the other child if your daughter is not expressing an interest and I would be wary about setting your daughter up for hurt and disappointment.

Personally I would ignore his messages about it. If he messages you to say he's made arrangements and will pick your daughter up then fine but otherwise I would not engage at all.

If he's only seen your daughter twice in 8 months then I doubt he's more interested in his other child so I would wonder what his motives are.

I was thinking manipulation of both mum's into a reciprocal weekend contact arrangement so that he never has to look after either of his children. I wonder if mum of younger child is complaining she never gets a break.

Has his daughter's mother tried to get in touch with you?

You are far stronger than me. I would be asking for the number of the other mum and liaising directly with them; the idea that someone else knows how awful this man is first hand would be too tempting to just sit and listen.
Though I suspect it would come to bite on the bum when he plays one child off against the other through triangulation tactics. Etc.

No wonder he's an Ex, the man's a controlling, conniving git. He's gone straight for something he knows will make you feel guilty and which will make him look better. You're not keeping the DCs apart, he could easily have them together if he thinks they should see each other, he just wants you to run around doing his bidding.

I bet he’s hassling the mum of his other daughter to do the same. She’s probably given him the same reaction as you have and doesn’t want anything to do with doing his job as father for him. It’s on him to maintain a sibling relationship between his children.

I wouldn't bother with what he says... and certainly would not do anything he says.
I would however go for a coffee or meet up with the other mum and talk to her about letting the siblings see each other or call every nkw and then. You don't need him for the sisters to have a relationship.

You are quite right that this child is of no concern to you,but given your history I can understand not wanting your DD to miss out on a possible sibling relationship.
You and DD can certainly foster a 'friendly' relationship with her sister by remembering her birthday or Christmas or whatever with a card, present or phone call but only if you and she want it.
Your ex H needs to sort his own arrangements for both of these children and leave his ex's out of it. He sounds monumentally lazy and obviously plays on other peoples weaknesses which is both cruel and unfair.
Don't facilitate anything for him but make it clear that you will accommodate his plans where possible without you doing any of the donkey work. That way you are putting your DDs needs and wants first even if he isn't!

This.

This is totally not on you, however what does your DD want?

My child’s dad moved 200 miles away from his children (ours and one he already had with an ex) and the children have stayed in contact through me, she often stays at ours and they have managed to stay close. I see more of her than her dad does at this point.

I do it because my child wants a relationship with their sibling though, not because my ex wants me to.

Why is your head full of his thoughts and wishes?

You so not mention your daughters wishes. Not yours others than guilt in not following orders.

you don’t know what the other mother is asking here, she’s is as much capable of getting in touch as he is.

If it means that much to her, she can arrange a playdate, call, etc. He can arrange a card or gift. None of that is on you.

He’s looking for another opportunity to shirk his responsibilities and he’s come up with a plan - surrogate his daughter for his time and he’s a winner.

Don’t do it.

It’s clearer since you’ve described the emotional thumbscrew he’s applying. Can you explain a little more about the relationship you had with your own half siblings? Did the relationship pre date your dos break up? Had you lived with them? Were they part of your immediate family?

The situation with your dd is probably more akin to the kind of a relationship cousins might have. Which is perfectly fine.

It’s probably wiser to maintain a pragmatic distance as your ex might mess both girls around to control you and the other dm.

Absolutely. My adult ds has a half sister he’s met about twice. I have half siblings I’ve met once. I don’t think these siblings would have made any difference at all to our lives. Family isn’t always what it’s cracked up to be.

What does your daughter want? Does she want a relationship with her half-sibling? If she does I’d perhaps suck it up and allow occasional video calls, let her sent letters, birthday cards, etc. if she’s not bothered then its not your problem.

It's not your problem. Let ex sort it out if he wants his DDs to spend time together. Nothing to do with you, certainly no reason you should be buying a birthday card for a child that is nothing at all to you.

It’s no more on the other mum to make contact than it is on OP. She may well be saying absolutely nothing and getting on with her life like OP is doing.
It might just be something he’s come up with and he wants the women to do it for him.

If your daughter wants to spend time with or contacting her half-sibling, I'd help for her sake, but only if it was a genuine (not guilted-into-it) desire on her part. Otherwise, it's his responsibility to foster a relationship between his children.