Ex H child is not my concern

[Sombrespoon]

I have been divorced for several years we have one child.
it has been acrimonious- lots of coercive behaviour on his part, no child support, changing agreements to suit himself and a couple of years ago I bit the bullet and went to family courtI which he was furious about especially as he was hauled over the coals for his behaviour towards me and our daughter.

at the point of starting to court I promised myself I would not allow him to appeal to my better character as I have done in the past- if he refuses to meet me halfway, I’m not making up for his deficit anymore kind of thing.

since final orders he has spat the dummy out big time and seen our tween twice in 8 months. However for the last couple of months he has been sending me messages asking me to organise time for our DD to spend time with another ex of his with whom he shares a five year old daughter.

to my knowledge my daughter has not spend much time with this child although knows it’s her sister and probably sees a handful of times a year.

the texts are basically asking me to do the running around dropping her off and picking her up, organising a birthday card from our daughter to his other daughter and arranging ‘suprise’ video calls to his other daughter who apparently is having a rough time at school. He forwards me emotionally charged texts from the other baby mum saying that their kid is crying for our kid etc (which I think is rubbish because they don’t really know each other that well)

the line in the sand part of me thinks none of this is anything to do with me and if he wants his kids to build a relationship he has had bloody years to do so- and if he wants to start now he needs to organise all this himself.

the part of me that is my true character thinks I should just do it to make sure the kids spend time together it’s neither of there faults that their dad is a spectacular disappointment

my daughter has been let down by her dad so much I’m worried this too will end up in disappointment and frankly I’m sick to death of picking up his slack. Anything to do with him or his family makes me cringe as they have treated me so badly over the years.

i know what the “right” thing is but AIBU to just say not my problem?

I think he is trying to make me feel like shit in the only way he knows I will potentially respond.

It’s great that you absolutely see through him.

Hold on to your clear sight.

The good thing is that you don’t rely on him for child contact 🙄 so unlike many women you don’t need to keep the confrontation low.
Tempting though “don’t be ridiculous, fuck off” is, I wouldn’t advise is purely because it’s nice not to let him see you have any reaction. I would message him and say, “no, that’s something you can arrange during the time you have her.”

Why on earth should you? He is trying to reel you back in. Let him get his offsprings together. If you start jumping to his tune again you will be back to square one before you know it.

What a monumental twat he is.

This is nothing to do with you and everything to do with him being a lazy shit dad

It is absolutely not for you to facilitate. Tell him to get off his arse and sort it out himself.

It seems to me that either he or his ex wants to set your DD up as a babysitter, she's the ideal age in their eyes.
Stay well clear op.

He's clearly trying to mess with your head. Screw that.

@Sombrespoon

I think this is a situation for that famous MN solution; "No is a complete sentence".

Remember 'JADE'. Never Justify, Apologize/Argue, Defend, or Explain".

What does your daughter want?

If she wanted a relationship with her half sister independent of her father then I would probably facilitate it. If she wasn’t bothered, I wouldn’t. At her age, this also applies to seeing her own dad. She doesn’t have to jump every time he commands it. She is allowed to have her own social life and use her free time as she wishes.

No, the child is not your concern and it is very much your ex's responsibility to forge a relationship between his children. However, it's your child's sibling. Can you bear to forge a relationship with the mother and child? It is for the children's sake. He is clearly not going to let them get to know each other so can you do it? I do think you should help this happen if you can.

He should take them out together on the days he has your DD. That said he obviously isn’t seeing your daughter and as there is an age gap you also don’t want your DD to become a sort of babysitter if that were to happen.

I can be a soft touch, so if it's a no from me - which it is - then you should definitely steer clear!

Well, you know he is manipulating you this way, so don't fall for it. He can come get your DD and HE can take her to visit her half-sister.

Don't let him guilt you into doing this because you are giving him the opportunity to continue to manipulate others to suit his life.

Not your circus, not your clown car.

That's exactly the vibe I was getting. Not sure if OP's DD is the age yet, but even if not, she will be soon. It seems the ex with the young child came after OP with her tween. Truly, it sounds like the OP's "ex" is about as useful as a tank of gas for a Tesla and a lot less in worth.

I didn't even think of the babysitter angle.

Definitely no. If OP's tween DD wants to spend time/forge a relationship with her much much younger sister I'm sure she's capable of saying so.

He is a dick and I get that his whining on is inappropriate and is winding you up.
my view is different though.
When a child has a feckless or absent father, they often dont get to have relationships with half siblings or even extended family. I have two children by two different fathers, one absent father, one feckless - I became friends with their half siblings’ mothers and as a result both my children have close relationships with their half siblings, without the father being involved. We were able to compare notes about maintenance amounts and tbh it was good to be friendly with someone who really knew what an arse he was. We were able to support each other. My children are now in their twenties and my daughters half sister is in close contact, my daughter was her bridesmaid, they have a normal sibling relationship - my sons half sister is less involved, but they see each other occasionally. None of us have any idea where the fathers are.
yes - it was a little effort on my part, but I do think much to the benefit of my children.

I wouldn't want to facilitate my daughter being groomed as another child's support human. There are so many ways for it to go wrong. And if your ex really wanted them to meet, he would have made the arrangements already in his own contact time.

Ivehearditbothways

I’d reply, “I really don’t know why you’re involving me. I’ve no issue with them having a relationship so you don’t need to ask. Go ahead and sort it out on your time. I’m not doing it and it has nothing to do with me.”

Then just keep sending it to anything he sends back.

Yes, absolutely! This is the perfect response.

Is his name Boris by any chance?
Daft mop of blonde hair, talks complete bollocks mostly 🤔
Anyway, whoever he is , ignore him.
I wouldn’t bother responding.
If he hasn't realised by now how to be a responsible parent it definitely isn't your job to teach him.

As with others - does your 10/11/12 year old DD actually want to meet up with her 5 year old half sister?

Thanks so much for your replies, I think it was starting to wear me down but I know I am doing the right thing by just ignoring the texts.
I will have to reply at some point otherwise it will just continue forever but I will take some time to construct something that has no indication of emotion as if he thinks he’s winding me up he will be happy.

i haven’t asked my daughter if she wants to see her sibling, I suspect she would say yes and then I’m put in a position of making it happen, but I don’t believe that she would ask of her own accord. For the first maybe three years she didn’t realise this kid was her sibling until I explained it to her (he left the mother when pregnant and she repartnered while pregnant and had another baby to her new partner almost immediately) so it wasn’t very clear to DD how her dad was linked to the situation. When I actually consider what it would take to facilitate and maintain a relationship between these kids I think, even if my daughter wanted it, I would be inclined to explain that she will need to talk to her dad about making this happen…

i have absolutely no interest in building a relationship with the other mother- I have enough friends and certainly don’t want to spend time lamenting my poor choice in a previous partner with anyone anymore I want to move on with my life as much as is possible.

its kind of shitty for my daughter that she will miss out on this relationship (plus relationships with her cousins, grandparents etc) but after years of trying my best and being vilified for it I am actually too tired to do it anymore.

Its really not a problem for your dd to miss out on a partial biological connection through her wastrel dad. This little girl is of no more relevance to her life than if her father were an anonymous sperm donor—which he may be. Blood is not all that important.

If you want to take the emotion out of the response, then you go for deliberately misunderstanding. ‘Why would I object? Of course you can take dd to meet her half sibling on your contact time. I think that’s a lovely idea.’

I wouldn't invent anything, just carry on ignoring. It won't carry on forever unless you reward him with a response. If he's trying to provoke a reaction from you and you have ignored it until now then the moment you respond he will know he has got to you and the frequency of the texts will increase. His demands are unreasonable, you do not owe him any explanation.

I think the fact that you are here asking for advice suggests that he is still able to make you doubt yourself. You need to keep telling yourself you have no obligation to do anything except facilitate a relationship between your daughter and her dad and given how unreliable he is about contact I'm not sure I would try too hard with that. A relationship with a parent who never makes her feel like a priority does not benefit her.

Him maybe yes because he sounds selfish, but I don’t know why the other mum would suddenly come up with OP’s dd as a babysitting choice. That’s a really big reach.

If anything, the other mum probably doesn’t want to make any contact with op/her dd either and just wants to get on with her life. But if she ever did feel it would be nice for the siblings to see each other, I don’t think it would be because she needs a babysitter. 🤦🏼‍♀️

"its kind of shitty for my daughter that she will miss out on this relationship (plus relationships with her cousins, grandparents etc) but after years of trying my best and being vilified for it I am actually too tired to do it anymore."

I think you're protecting her. Modelling not just jumping through the hoops is a strong choice, not a failure.

The other mother may not want this either...