Ex H child is not my concern

[Sombrespoon]

I have been divorced for several years we have one child.
it has been acrimonious- lots of coercive behaviour on his part, no child support, changing agreements to suit himself and a couple of years ago I bit the bullet and went to family courtI which he was furious about especially as he was hauled over the coals for his behaviour towards me and our daughter.

at the point of starting to court I promised myself I would not allow him to appeal to my better character as I have done in the past- if he refuses to meet me halfway, I’m not making up for his deficit anymore kind of thing.

since final orders he has spat the dummy out big time and seen our tween twice in 8 months. However for the last couple of months he has been sending me messages asking me to organise time for our DD to spend time with another ex of his with whom he shares a five year old daughter.

to my knowledge my daughter has not spend much time with this child although knows it’s her sister and probably sees a handful of times a year.

the texts are basically asking me to do the running around dropping her off and picking her up, organising a birthday card from our daughter to his other daughter and arranging ‘suprise’ video calls to his other daughter who apparently is having a rough time at school. He forwards me emotionally charged texts from the other baby mum saying that their kid is crying for our kid etc (which I think is rubbish because they don’t really know each other that well)

the line in the sand part of me thinks none of this is anything to do with me and if he wants his kids to build a relationship he has had bloody years to do so- and if he wants to start now he needs to organise all this himself.

the part of me that is my true character thinks I should just do it to make sure the kids spend time together it’s neither of there faults that their dad is a spectacular disappointment

my daughter has been let down by her dad so much I’m worried this too will end up in disappointment and frankly I’m sick to death of picking up his slack. Anything to do with him or his family makes me cringe as they have treated me so badly over the years.

i know what the “right” thing is but AIBU to just say not my problem?

He’s found he can’t manipulate you in other ways so is starting what is blatantly emotional blackmail. If your daughter isn’t bothered about having a relationship with his other child then I’d just ignore any messages he sends.

I'd ask your daughter what she wants to do.
Is she interested?

Tell him it's 100% his responsibility to facilitate a relationship between his two daughters and you will not be doing any of the things he suggests. He's got a bloody cheek seeing as he hasn't even bothered with regular contact with your daughter. I'd be telling him to take a hike 😡

Can you say something along the lines of 'I'm happy for you to make the necessary arrangements to facilitate a relationship between dd and her dsis during your time with dd, (as long as it remains in dd's best interest).'
Then repeat every time he asks you to do it for him.

I really like this^

You feel like you should because you’re a good Mum. But this really isn’t on you to sort. He needs to build a relationship with his own Children and be Present so they can build one too.

It's ex's responsibility. I'd personally put that aside though and focus on what is best for your DD. Sibling relationships are really important to some people, I know some that are estranged and don't seem bothered but others that find it really difficult.
If I was you I would go straight to siblings mum to arrange it and keep him out of it, he sounds awful.

It's pretty simple isn't it?

Hi EXH

As long as DD wants to see your DD5, I'm happy for you to organise that during your contact time with DD. I've no objection to you organising birthday cards to/ from the girls to each other either.

Rinse and repeat.

This is not your job to organise or facilitate.

I wonder if the baby mama said the little girl is missing her older half sister to encourage the useless dad to spend time with a younger daughter.
All the while he's not planning on seeing either and would rather the ex-women would arrange the half sibling meets. What a t**s£r!

I’d reply -

‘Do you know, the most awful and also the saddest thing about this stream of texts trying to make me take responsibility for this situation is that every one of them details how you are failing both of these children. All of these ‘suggestions’ are YOUR jobs. Your responsibility. Things you should be at the heart of, for both of your children, but you don’t care and can’t be bothered. The most energy you will ever put in to your children is trying to guilt other people into doing your parenting for you.

I don’t intend to do a single thing to facilitate the relationship between DD and X, not only because it’s not my job but because it also only has value if it’s something built from within the family they share - built because YOU care and YOU make it matter. You don’t. DD is better off out of it if it’s just another way for you to get to feel better about yourself by getting other people to do your heavy lifting for you. You can’t even build your own relationship with her, I’m damned if I’m building another relationship for you to add to your fake list. Stop contacting me about this.’

Your priority is your daughter and your dignity. Do not do what he wants. Show your daughter he is being unreasonable, not you. Women are not doormats for these fickle, lazy men. She will thank you for it in the long run.

Another suggestion for a response

Ex, I'm happy for dd to have a relationship with x, however it is not my responsibility, or place to facilitate this, it's yours. You can arrange contact between dd and x during your contact time with dd.

As a mum with children who have a half sibling, I agree. I do actually think it's my responsibility to my children to try to help them have a relationship for their sake. However I wouldn't do it on his terms and also if they don't know the other child well I would help a door stay open but not force it

What does your daughter get out of this? I'd ask what she wants, and not let her be used as a pawn.

You won't know how your DC is treated when with your ExH's ex and daughter. I would let her go anywhere with them.

Another option might be to invite the half sister to yours as a one off, to meet and hang out with your child.
That cuts out Ex and his ex being there.

Good luck OP.

Not your concern. Don't even get into a conversation with him about it. X

No. The right thing is for him to get off his arse and do the legwork. If he wants them to have a relationship then he needs to do the work for it.

I felt this way about my IL and tried desperately to ensure my DC had "loving grandparents". Thing is, they weren't stupid. Once they were old enough to see that presents from GP were actually bought by me with them sending the money, they didn't really want me to pretend anymore. They told me recently that they still meet with GP because they usually get given money. A few years ago they got given enough cash to buy a Switch.

It will be the same with your DD and your Ex. There is no point you trying to build a relationship for her with a guy who doesn't want to act like a Dad. She can see that already and you'll exhaust yourself trying. Do what I've done - avoid being negative about them and try to help but the work needs to be done by him, not you. You can't magic him into a decent Dad.

Ask your DD what she wants. If she'd like a relationship with her half sister then arrange for them to video call or text each other. Go direct to half sisters Mum to arrange so your Ex has nothing to do with it. If he wants them to meet let him arrange it in his time with your DD. Only do what you & DD feel comfortable with & don't let him influence your decisions.

not once has it been mentioned about what the daughter wants?
Surely thats important, rather than trying to get at each other?

No come backs in later life then if the daughter says you didnt ask me?

This is not your problem!

She's only 4 and these people are strangers to her. It's not on op to orchestrate a relationship with this losers other child because he can't be bothered. It could suddenly all come to end anyway as he's so flaky.

No no no no no. You're being manipulated. This whiny babyman wants you to do the adulting for both him and this other woman.
Time to block his texts. Since he almost never sees your child, he doesn't need to be able to contact you about visitation. To cover all the bases, you could have a separate email address for that, which you specify is only to discuss issues with your child. Don't use your regular email because he'll inundate it with manipulative drivel. Then you can just check the email once a week or so and ignore anything not about your child.
Don't delete them though, because you may need to document him harassing you should you ever decide to get legal about it. Just use a separate folder to store his nonsense.

Great point. Fuck this guy. He isn't worth any amount of bother and I wouldn't cross the street to spit on his shoes, let alone listen to his tales of woe and entitled demands.

nope nope nopety nope nope nope nopety nope

I doubt your daughter really has much desire to spend time with a half-sibling half her age. If her father wants to facilitate a relationship, great. If the half-sisters want to form a relationship once they're both grown up, they can. Lovely. But neither of them are going to benefit much now from occasional hang-outs when there is such an age difference. Plus, the other child's mother sounds like a drama llama who you can do without dealing with.

It's not about abandoning your 'better nature'. It's about maintaining healthy boundaries and not over-functioning for other people.

I'd just send him a really simply and light hearted message along the following lines:

"I'll leave it to you to have a chat with DD about this when you next see her"!